Gransnet forums


My new mother in law

(94 Posts)
Silverlady79 Sat 24-Aug-19 13:52:26

It’s her sons Second marriage to me....maybe she’s finding it a bit hard as she’s old, but her behaviour to me is Becoming more and more upsetting. . She waits until my husband is out of the room and will then make a hurtful comment to me or about me.usually about my weight.

My birthday gift was soaps wrapped up in secondhand paper ...they were clearly a gift to her that she didn’t want .. It’s not about being greedy I promise you but it does make me feel really shit... just a few flowers would’ve been nice. Husbands birthday present came today for him , a cheque for £500. I told him how hurt I felt but it didn’t really register.

The question is, do I cut her out of as much as I don’t feel I can’t cope well with obvious dislike... She has a history Of DIL’s not having anything to do with her after being cruel to them.

Lessismore Sat 24-Aug-19 13:56:51

What a strange and intriguing tale.

How many DIL's has seen seen off with her crappy soap?

Septimia Sat 24-Aug-19 13:59:10

Take the moral high ground - treat her the way you'd like to be treated (i.e properly!) and ignore the way she treats you. Buy her decent presents, but nothing very expensive. Avoid situations where she can behave unkindly to you, if possible.

aggie Sat 24-Aug-19 14:01:02

What do you do when she makes the hurtful remarks ? I would turn on my stare and ask her to refrain then tune out and ignore her , Or you could burst into loud sobs until OH comes in and asks what on earth is going on , or you could stay at home/have an urgent appointment elsewhere /take to your bed grin when OH visits her

MissAdventure Sat 24-Aug-19 14:03:19

I would be the better person and always be kindness itself to her, but I would also practice ways of putting her firmly (in a kind way, I like to think) into her place.

EllanVannin Sat 24-Aug-19 14:03:55

As Septimia suggested----don't make an enemy of her.

I had the loveliest MIL on this earth ! Never seen one like her since.

NanaandGrampy Sat 24-Aug-19 14:07:33

To be fair why shouldn’t she give her son a more substantial birthday gift than you ? There are no rules to say she has to gift equally after all .

Maybe it’s a test if you’re the last in a long line of DiLs ?

The soaps may not have floated your boat but at least you got a gift .

If you don’t like the way she talks to you - say so ! You don’t have to be mean or rude but be straightforward .

sharon103 Sat 24-Aug-19 14:13:42

My ex husbands mum didn't particularly like me from the start. Yes it hurts but try and accept her for what she is. Expect nothing. I always treated her with respect.
What did hurt was when she died a few years ago and left her other grandchildren £2,000 each. Our 3 children got nothing!
You can't win 'em all.

MissAdventure Sat 24-Aug-19 14:14:36

A wicked, wicked thought has just occurred to me.

When she comments about your weight, say "Oh but (insert husband's name) loves me with a bit of meat on, he finds its very arousing!" grin

Esspee Sat 24-Aug-19 14:17:12

Try challenging her when she says something nasty.
" MiL, why do you feel the need to be so nasty?"
When husband returns say "Your mother, in your absence, said "Xxxxxxxxx". then turn to her again and say "why do you feel the need to be so nasty?"
Calling her out a few times should hopefully get her to pull her head in.
Good luck.

Boosgran Sat 24-Aug-19 14:18:21

No, don’t cut her out. Your husband may resent it. Just be nice and say how much you love the soaps. When it’s her birthday give her a nice gift and smile. Rise above her horrible behaviour it’s not worth the aggravation. But I would say something to her if she makes a nasty comment.

Callistemon Sat 24-Aug-19 14:41:08

Lessismore I now have brew all down my front after reading your comment!

Some soap can be extremely expensive.
Perhaps your DH will share the money with you, OP.

When you say it's her son's second marriage to me do you mean you were married to him, got divorced, changed your minds then got married again?
If so, you must have known what she was like from the first time round?

shysal Sat 24-Aug-19 14:51:54

When it is her birthday perhaps she would like some soaps in old wrapping paper!smile
For some mothers nobody will ever be good enough for their sons, hope you can rise above the nastiness for your husband's sake.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 24-Aug-19 14:54:21

Next time your MIL makes a hurtful remark, I would say, "That wasn't very nice." and leave it at that.

Be polite when you see her, give reasonable but not expensive presents and try not to be alone with her for too long.

Don't complain to your husband too much, after all she is his mother, but you could ask him whether making personal remarks is considered all right in his family, as it is considered rude in yours.

Standards differ and we have to find some way of dealing with that. My husband and his family consider personal remarks as quite all right. I found it hard to adjust to.

On the other hand, my mother who had always insisted that making unkind remarks was wrong, started to do so in her latter years. We ignored what we could, but told her quietly that some of her remarks were hurtful. She took no notice, so don't expect your MIL to change.

LullyDully Sat 24-Aug-19 16:10:22

My mil was often hurtful and bitchy. So I feel for you greatly.

Just make sure your husband supports you and bear it until you may need to refuse to see her again. I had to do this after about 15 years of bullying. It was such a relief. Finally all was forgiven, but it took quite a while.

I do hope I am not being negative but I did find it hurtful as you do.

She loved to tell me how petite, blond and pretty the former wife was. I am quite tall and dark haired. To be honest it was jealousy on her part as we have always been a loving couple.

Daisymae Sat 24-Aug-19 16:17:40

When your husband returns to the room just repeat what she said to you for clarification. Would make an interesting conversation. Or of course you could take the moral high ground as already suggested.

sodapop Sat 24-Aug-19 16:19:02

Yes I would do the same thing as Esspee when your husband is back in the room call his mother on her comment. Don't let it all get out of hand though, try to limit the time you spend with her.

GagaJo Sat 24-Aug-19 16:23:07

My MiL was a cow. I couldn't do anything right. Eventually, I had as little as possible to do with her (still more than I wanted). It would have been better if my husband had taken my side a bit more but...

GoodMama Sat 24-Aug-19 16:29:26

How terrible. What does your husband say about all of this?

eazybee Sat 24-Aug-19 16:50:40

Be as pleasant as you can to your mother -in-law, and try to avoid conflict, but concentrate on your new husband. If she has seen off previous daughters-in-law, it is nothing personal, just an absolute determination to retain her influence over her son.
I have an acquaintance who has seen off three of her daughter's partners/husbands, and is now commencing battle with the fourth.

Madgran77 Sat 24-Aug-19 17:07:40

Be pleasant and don't rise to the bait by being upset. If she makes a comment about your weight maybe say "I'm not sure what your point st?" Depending on what she replies say "Oh!" or "I'm still not sure what your point is?" This can go on for a long time but certainly makes the majority of people feel thoroughly awkward,

Alternatively just sit there and look at her and wait in silence. See what happens! If she askes why you aren't saying anything say "I don't really see the point of discussing it!".

Alternatively just look at her and then change the subject!

Or as others have suggested ask her why she said that? And keep asking why to each answer!

Re the soaps mother-in-law did this from Day one that I met her; I just used to say "Thanks!" and put them in the charity box bag. Always gave her nice gifts though.

Anniebach Sat 24-Aug-19 18:05:47

How many daughters in law has she had ?

dragonfly46 Sat 24-Aug-19 18:13:37

I was a disappointment at first with my MiL. I wasn't from good enough stock! However, I was always kind and lovely to her. In her final years it was me she turned to for attention and advice. She died aged 103 and I had an easy conscience.

Maggiemaybe Sat 24-Aug-19 18:24:32

My MIL seemed to like me well enough. But she got it into her head that I liked the only chocolates I can resist, Ferrero Rocher, and waist slips, that I have never worn, and that's what I got for every present. It was a standing joke in the family. I'd have been very happy with a nice box of soaps!

Beckett Sun 25-Aug-19 08:21:57

I would say nothing, just get up and walk out of the room. She is trying to get a rise out of you so she can complain to your DH about you.

Alternatively you could just say nothing, pick up a book or magazine and ignore her