My new mother in law

Yes - lots of really good imaginative ways to deal with this if you're not interested in just nursing your injuries. I like Missadventure's advice.
What about when ever there is anyone present with your MIL - getting out said soap and showing it to everyone explaining just how much you LOVE IT and how kind you thought it was...
Also - don't really get the "her sons second marriage to me". Do you mean you are his second wife or you married the same man twice?

Next time she did this I’d just say rather dismissively “you’re acting like your opinion matters to me, honey it really doesn’t!” and then laugh as I got back to what I was doing on my phone while totally ignoring her!

My MIL was just the same. Nasty remarks made when DH left the room. Too many stories to tell. She always favoured her 1st son even though DH and I tried hard with her. She also favoured my DS over first born DD. No tears from anyone except her very difficult husband when she died and don’t get me started on him. My phrase about her was that the best thing she ever did for me was to shuffle off this mortal coil.

Silverlady79 it didn't register with your hubby because he just can't deal with it so he (and many others like him, mine included) do the ostrich routine - it's not nice is it. Your mil is mean spirited and you won't change her. However, you can decide not to permit her to hurt your feelings any longer - no one has a right to do that! Expect nowt from her then she won't disappoint! Buy her gift donations to charities (a goat or chickens to africa or a toilet - you get my drift) don't complain to hubby but innocently say - well what do you get someone who has everything ? and tell her it was his idea - isn't he clever? ? When she makes nasty remarks to you perhaps you could solicitously ask her what on earth happened in her life to make her so bitter. My first mil was a troublemaker of repute, said the nastiest things to her children's partners or behind their backs and yet saw herself as a pillar of her church! Caused me many tears yet who was it who helped the nurse make her comfy then lay her out, organised the funeral, did the paperwork, paid the caterers etc not her children but me. My last mil was sneaky, clearly resented her bachelor son marrying late in life and would demand his presence to find her TV remote, hearing aids etc etc even though she had an on call live in warden and he had moved away from her area. She spoilt my own mother's 90th, we took her on holiday, she spoilt that, nothing suited, then we went away without her and had to cut that short because she had a tantrum. She did her utmost to spoil her own daughters 2nd wedding day to a lovely man. It has taught me not to let history repeat now that I am a mil.

I remember when I was in my twenties getting a box of face cream for ageing skin from my MIL .

When she makes a nasty comment reply did you mean that to be funny or just unkind?

Could you make a joke of it?Laugh and say 'Gosh I thought you just said have you put on a few pounds but I know no-one would be that rude! Sorry but what did you actually say?'

Mine was like this. I wasn't allowed in the house for many years, sat outside in the car waiting.

Then she was widowed, and grew old and who became her carer, visiting everyday, shopping, dealing with appointments, doctor's visits etc?

Yup, it was me and I did it with kindness and patience because that was how I had been brought up.

When she says something nasty, would definitly say something like "how would you feel if someone said that to you?" or something similar. Definitely tell your husband but not in a "look how horrible your mother is" way (he might start defending her) but in a "how is the best way to deal with this?" As someone-else has said, how about recording it on your phone? Make it a joint problem - it's his mother after all! Good luck.

Your stock answer should be 'did you mean to be so rude?'
I find it shuts people down quite quickly....
I like the idea of recording her too.
Some people are never going to be happy unless they're upsetting others. Sad isn't it??

Some people never change so she may always be a complete cow to you; others change later in life. When I was very young the woman-who-would've-been-my-mother-in-law-had-I-married-her-son (as planned) made no effort to disguise how much she hated me and wished I'd leave her son or that he would dump me. She was less than thrilled when I got pregnant and delighted when we split up when our daughter was just 6-months old (just for the record nearly 40 years later her dad and I are still friends and would still help each other if we needed it - when his marriage failed he even stayed with me for a bit, but that's another thread)). Anyway, she used to throw things at me and be as verbally spiteful as she could, but she was a good gran to my daughter so I would regularly drop her off and leave a note on the buggy with anything important - when I could see her coming up the hall I would walk away then collect my daughter at the time I'd said in the note. She would only talk to me if there was something relating to my daughter, ask if 'X' day was OK for next visit and I'd leave. Roll on a few years when her husband died, all of her 5 kids (including my daughter's dad) had young families of their own and were too busy or didn't want to spend too much time with her. I might've been young but could understand her grief, so used to visit most days and let her chat, reminisce, cry etc - I would make myself coffee & her tea then leave at about 9PM when she was ready for bed. She thanked me for bothering and seemed grateful for the company and it was nice that she accepted me a sort of friend even if she hadn't wanted me as a daughter-in-law! I did this for about a year until she was ready to start rebuilding her life, visiting people, going shopping with her sister etc. I was glad to have been some help and though he rarely mentioned it my daughter's dad was happy his mum had company. Others have made some good suggestions on how to deal with your mother-in-law's nastiness - if you don't want to have to confront her or involve your husband, just refuse to visit her and pretend she barely exists - make sure your husband isn't at her beck & call though and visits are not overly frequent! Good luck

When she makes a rude comment about your weight you could always say "I know, doesn't it get harder the older you get to stay slim?" Or as someone else said " I know but my husband adores my love handles!" then change the subject to the weather.
As far as presents go, get your husband to buy them and when you get a crappy one back, just say thank you and it was just what you needed/wanted. Those soaps - suggest the next time you see her, thank her and say that it was a really good idea that you were given them, you are trying to cut down on using plastic bottled shower and bath stuff!

Try to remember she brought up the man you love so she can't be all bad.
Maybe she's jealous that he chooses to spend more time with you than with her.

Is he4 weight so perfect? Just a thought!

Both my Mils were nasty to me. The first tried to dominate me but didn't suceeed. The second did everything she could to split us up, including trying to set up OH with her friends daughters., telling me to take a lover, asking me to visit on my own then totally ignoring me, telling me OH was late home as he probably had someone else etc etc. She wanted him back home. We didn't speak for six months then he had an accident so I contacted her and his dad. She made hundreds of silent phone calls to me (know it was her had it traced) so we changed number n didn't give her it. Children visited once a week with OH as they were lovely grand parents. I was glad when she died. His friends told me she was like this to all his other girlfriend so I was warned.

Typical passive aggresive behaviour. I would avoid being alone with her. The comments especially about your weight are out of order. If this behaviour continues, you need to talk to your mother-in-law and tell her straight this is unacceptable/hurtful. If you don't, guaranteed the behaviour towards you will become worse. Dont put up with it. Regarding the gifts, just say thank you for the gift , much appreciated. Gifts are unimportant. If your mother-in-law continues to treat you like this, you need to talk to your husband in a matter of fact way. He needs to support you.

The soap thing is abit crap.

The nasty comments about your weight are not right. She is also aware at what she's doing because she waits for her son to leave the room.

Next time I'd pretend you didn't hear her,then ask her to repeat herself once or twice then say to your husband 'did you hear that? Your mum thinks XYZ, do you agree?'

Oh darn! Someone had the same idea and I didn’t see it. Great minds....

My MIL hated me and also my husbands brother's 3 wives- she loved them when they were girlfriends - couldn't get her sons married quickly enough. Then - wives - treated nasty nasty nasty. I think she loved the idea of her sons being attractive but could not live with the thought that she was not the number one woman for them. My advice would be - do not try to form any sort of relationship with her - you will never be good enough. Keep her at arms length. Avoid being alone with her. Rise above worrying about things she says and does. Be polite when you are required to interact with her - and nothing more. The closer you get the more ammunition you give her. Keep busy and make plenty of other friends etc.

Ok. This is me fantasising but had to share! I definitely have a nasty streak in me! This depends on you having a Smart phone. When you’re on your own with her, with your sweetest smile on your face, record a little of her talking to you. Play it back to her. Bingo she clamps the jaws! Any time she starts up just wave the phone. I know, I’m evil.

Think I’d wrap the soaps up & give them back to her for her birthday .I would also have to ask her why she felt the need to be so nasty & if it carried on I think I would avoid her when ever possible.

My MIL always used to give me the presents she obviously didn't want for Christmas or Birthday. It wasn't that she didn't like me, she just had no idea what I wanted and she'd made such an effort for her ex-DIL with no kindness returned, I think she was once bitten, twice shy. She would occasionally be slightly fierce with me when her son and I bantered but mainly, I let it go over my head. Whatever she was like, she was a great deal kinder than my own mother.

Assuming she doesn't live with you, just let your husband visit her by himself. She is no real relation of yours and, when you chose your husband, you didn't choose her.

Because I'm in a bad mood at the moment my advice would be to record her nasty comments. You can do it on any cellphone.

Then play it back to her and ask, ' Think I should I tell your son about this?'

I've had to put up with nasty comments about my weight and size for at least 60 years and have come up with a few choice remarks. Now, frankly I just laugh at the idiots.

Try saying, 'Well, dearie, that may be your opinion but do you think you'd still feel the same way if you were intelligent?'

(I told you I was in a bad mood)

I am a great believer in stopping bullies in their tracks because if you call them out, they think twice about hurting you again. They don't like strength.

Allow someone to get away with this sort of thing and they come back and attack again.....because bullies sense weakness.

That's why she's been able to see off the others, wicked old wretch that she is. Show her you're made of sterner stuff.

I like MissAdventure's suggestion, only I'd be tempted to make it just a wee bit raunchier, unless you want to give her a heart attack.

'Funny you should mention my size. When your son and I were enjoying a little bedtime sport last night he was telling me how bigger women have always been his erotic fantasy.'

Keep the smelling salts handy.

Can you give some feedback Silverlady & answer some of the questions pose?
My advise, as soon as OH is back in the room tell him what his mother has said. Alternatively discreetly put your phone on record when he leaves the room then play it back when he returns.
Re gifts just smile and go ott to thank her for such a fab gift, just what you were hoping for. Re OH £500 get him to spend it on a lovely weekend away for you both & send her a postcard saying what a great time you BOTH had on her gift.
So question, have you told him what is happening?