My new mother in law

Stone me why all the politeness tell her to stick her soap where the sun don’t shine ?

I had a similar problem - only it was with my mother! I don't recall her ever saying anything complimentary to me. When I reached teenage she would always comment about my weight (despite the fact I was always at least 2 stone lighter than her), then one day I noticed that after I had reacted to one of her mean comments she had a nasty smirk on her face. So I stopped reacting.

If she said anything I would ignore it and change the subject. Eventually she shouted at me saying "I'm talking to you". I replied that no she was insulting me and I as I no longer cared about her opinion I would ignore it.

My advice to the OP is to act as if she hadn't heard and talk about something else

Ok this I can advise on. My mother-in-law died last summer at 104yrs and 5 days of age, of those years she hated me for 42 of them. I don’t take offence easily and cut people slack whenever possible but with her nothing worked. She hated me for caring about a son she despised and hated all his life. She was a bitch of the first order. To visitors, hers or ours she was oh so lovely, when they left she would issue a diatribe on their flaws. Even make up stories I knew were not true at all, cruel is too mild a word for her.

Initially I tried to engage her in our lives but she just got nastier and it spilled over and others saw it. A couple of years into the relationship I decided enough was enough if she said something scathing about me or anyone else I would say oh do shut up but I wanted her to know it had to stop. I told her very quietly and calmly that she either kept her nasty vitriolic opinions to herself around me or else she would not be invited back, she told me she could do as she liked and I told her that was fine but she wouldn’t do it in my house and so she had a choice. She tested me a few times but I would give her a look or if necessary a reminder that her attitude didn’t wash with me. I was rude on rare occasions when she really did go too far but we toddled along like that for years.

When she became older frailer we had her live with us, my mother told me it would make me ill dealing with that vile tongue. After 15 years we put her in an expensive home that took all her pension money plus some from us and all her visitors stopped coming.

Two months later I was diagnosed with cancer.

Power of money was her tool. I didn’t want her money so she had no power over me, which is why she hated me as I couldn’t and wouldn’t be cowed. You have to figure out what she believes her power to be. Is it to get rid of any woman who makes him happy or just cause mischief in general. Take away her power and talk to your husband.

I had two presents in all those years one free bar towels that came with her champagne order, I never got the champagne just the towels and a scarf someone gave her she didn’t want. As I knew the person I wore the scarf.

Some people are just nasty and I believe life is too damn short to put up with such nonsense so don’t.

I don’t know your husbands relationship with his mother. My husbands was one of hate wrapped in duty, tricky thing to deal with. She was brutal to him as a child and he felt guilty for hating her. Go figure. However, I still had to tread carefully.

You know him so pick your moment but tell him if she is to come into your home she has to behave herself. Decide who is to tell her. If it’s him that’s good if it’s you he has to back you up. Explain to her that you aren’t cutting her out of your lives but she has to behave if she wants to be part of them. Say it get, it over with and see how it goes. I chose to deal with my MIL myself I wasn’t a strong person initially, I was quite young and my husband is older but I felt strongly that her issue was with me so I would deal with it.

As for presents who wants them when they aren’t given with love. Don’t fret the little things just deal with the main issue. I always gave her super presents reacting opposite to what she expected, always threw her.

Best of luck

My MIL didn’t like women and used to say to my DH when we visited her “oh you’ve brought her with you”. I just used to laugh and never let it bother me. If you wanted to be nasty you could always say “yes but I can loose weight but you will always be an evil old witch”? but if I were you I would just smile and let it go over your head x

My mother-in-law was not fond of me either, she was never cruel but criticism was her preferred way of dealing with me, so I told my husband that I thought his mother would much prefer having him to herself and that he should visit her on his own. This arrangement worked for many years and we only saw each other for Christmas. Funny thing though, when she was in care and dying, I was the one she wanted to see...go figure

Yours is a common problem.You are fortunate it is just a MIl.I had FIl , gran in law and other' clan' members to contend with.

I'd re-gift the soaps to her in lovely paper or a gift bag and if she queries it say 'I realise how much you love them to be so kind as to gift them to me and would hate for you to miss out' as for the comments , she knows what she's doing is hurtful which is why she waits for your husband to be out of the room I would be tempted to wait till he's back and say in front of her 'you know, your mother says I need to lose weight but I know how you love me with a bit of meat on my bones, what do you think I should do about it ? Should we go on a diet do you think ?' She won't want her darling son to lose out and will probably swiftly back peddle.

I think I would point out that it wasn’t a very nice thing to say & comment “ if you can’t say anything nice- then I’d prefer you to say nothing at all” Your husband obviously turns a blind eye to her unwanted comments and she dotes on him as a favoured son. My husband used to make excuses for his elderly parents when I got upset that their other grandchildren got favoured and our two were never showered with the same amount of gifts and adoration. Your mother in law has behaved like a bit of a brat and needs putting in her place firmly and politely. The birthday gift you received was better than nothing but I think I’d still give her a reasonable gift beautifully wrapped, but nothing too lavish. She sounds a nightmare but I would not allow her to spoil things in your relationship.

Wrap the soaps up in pretty paper and give her for her next.birthday!

Treat her like she treats you and don’t stay in the room with her on your own. Don’t give her the chance to be rude cut her down.

Dear Silverlady79 are you a gran?

Sounds like OH is a Mummy's Boy and mummy is a controlling b***h!
Perhaps, like someone already suggested, rise above it but when you buy her a gift select something from a charity shop ( your money goes to a good cause ) and openly tell her that you bought it with her in mind as you notice that she is into recycling in a big way!
Don't let her snide comments upset you though, simply ask her why she never says it in front of her son.
Alternately, repackaged the gift and give then back to her at the next birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas.

Some excellent advice on here Silverlady79. Just a look and the comment "That was a very rude thing to say", then ignoring her plus mentioning it to your husband when he returns to the room, ought to make her think twice.

Am worried by your post Gottalovethem as physical abuse is way beyond the pale and, if she's been doing this to your SIL for 20 years she's obviously going to try it again. I'd suggest that, the next time you go to offer her a cup of tea, you say quite calmly and in a pleasant tone of voice, "If you slap me again I shall drop this hot tea right in your lap". Maybe that will make her think twice but, if not, you could always up the ante and tell her that you will slap her right back!

Is your husband completely unaware of his mother’s behaviour? Why have you not discussed this with him in private? As I have got older, I realise we don’t have to put up with folks being deliberately rude and upsetting us. This woman is deliberately being unkind once her son leaves the room. This is calculated behaviour and it’s cruel. You really do not have to go visiting and putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Your husband can visit mother without you.
Get a grip and keep your dignity.

How upsetting for you. But she treats the other DiLs the same, so please don’t take it personally.

We sometimes recycle gifts and paper, practical and environmentally friendly (!) - and we also give our adult children largish cash presents, which benefit their husbands, wives and children but give smaller presents, books etc, to their spouses. Can you give her some nice chocolates or flowers, neither have to cost a fortune?

Lots of practical advice from others here. Don’t sink to her level, keep being the ‘nice guy’, but perhaps try to limit contact with believable reasons to not see her every time your husband does?

Hope it goes well in the future ?.

I’ve got a mother in law who has ignored every birthday of mine. Never even had a card. I think it’s remiss of my partner to never question her on this.. but he’s doesn’t like to rock the boat??
I’m not bothered about presents but she’s certainly making a point by ignoring my birthday ( and Christmas)

A couple of years ago and for absolutely no reason at all, my mother in law slapped me as I was giving her a cup of tea. I’m afraid I couldn’t help myself and said to her “that was silly, I wonder what Mr.Gotta would do if he knew that you had just done that”. I then went to walk out of the room and then realised that my sister in law had seen and heard the whole thing. It was only then that she told me that mother in law had been doing that to her for over 20 years. I genuinely was shocked, MiL doesn’t really like any of her family ( actually she doesn’t really like anyone at all) and to be honest it’s never bothered me, but the slap was a whole new different level and I refuse to let her do this to me again. Problem is that if I did tell hubby, he would be absolutely horrified and would possibly refuse to come and visit at all.

Give her the soaps back for her birthday. Beautifully wrapped ?

kindly, firmly, you keep yourself always the "nice guy" but let her know, but politely, I agree with the comments that suggest that way to go.

not easy!!! but keep on being Mrs. Nice Guy.. but let her know, politely, rudeness not to be taken on board...

I would say nothing, just get up and walk out of the room. She is trying to get a rise out of you so she can complain to your DH about you.

Alternatively you could just say nothing, pick up a book or magazine and ignore her

My MIL seemed to like me well enough. But she got it into her head that I liked the only chocolates I can resist, Ferrero Rocher, and waist slips, that I have never worn, and that's what I got for every present. It was a standing joke in the family. I'd have been very happy with a nice box of soaps!

I was a disappointment at first with my MiL. I wasn't from good enough stock! However, I was always kind and lovely to her. In her final years it was me she turned to for attention and advice. She died aged 103 and I had an easy conscience.

How many daughters in law has she had ?

Be pleasant and don't rise to the bait by being upset. If she makes a comment about your weight maybe say "I'm not sure what your point st?" Depending on what she replies say "Oh!" or "I'm still not sure what your point is?" This can go on for a long time but certainly makes the majority of people feel thoroughly awkward,

Alternatively just sit there and look at her and wait in silence. See what happens! If she askes why you aren't saying anything say "I don't really see the point of discussing it!".

Alternatively just look at her and then change the subject!

Or as others have suggested ask her why she said that? And keep asking why to each answer!

Re the soaps ...my mother-in-law did this from Day one that I met her; I just used to say "Thanks!" and put them in the charity box bag. Always gave her nice gifts though.

Be as pleasant as you can to your mother -in-law, and try to avoid conflict, but concentrate on your new husband. If she has seen off previous daughters-in-law, it is nothing personal, just an absolute determination to retain her influence over her son.
I have an acquaintance who has seen off three of her daughter's partners/husbands, and is now commencing battle with the fourth.