Gransnet forums


Family Not Speaking

(21 Posts)
onlyhereforthebiscuits Sun 15-Sep-19 18:34:02

Basically, aunt and uncle separated over 20 years ago. Uncle drank. Aunt had an affair. I'm sure each of their behaviour triggered the others. Uncle died a few years ago but he and Aunt had become better friends after they had seperated than when they were married. A few months ago Aunt married the man she left Uncle for. Now Aunt and her 3 adult DC have stopped speaking to mum saying they heard she was spreading stories about their wedding. I don't know if it's village gossip which has been twisted but I have a gut feeling something was said for them all to react this way. In her eyes her DB can do no wrong and it was all SILs fault. SIL has been with her new DH longer than she was with DB! It's become so awkward at family events and everyone is talking behind her back. She still can't understand why they aren't talking to her! Mum had been told she has two options: apologise for hurting their feeling or accept that they don't want her as part of their family any more. They don't have to be calling at each others for coffee, just be civil to each other off they bump into each other and at mutual family occasions.

Ohmother Sun 15-Sep-19 19:54:26

Some people love drama and can’t survive without it.

MissAdventure Sun 15-Sep-19 20:36:31

So, then, your mum has to make the choice.

Really, her brothers marriage is nothing to do with her, but its her choice if she won't apologise.

It seems a lot of unnecessary fuss to me, about nothing in particular.

notanan2 Sun 15-Sep-19 22:15:24

I think aunt is being fair. Setting boundaries and offering a choice.

Let your mum fester alone if that is what she choses

jaylucy Mon 16-Sep-19 11:27:45

The thing is, are you sure that your Mum is not the source of the supposed rumours? you know what it's like in a village, an off the cuff comment to a friend in someone else's hearing , and chinese whispers take over!
Your mum either apologises and is hopefully treated civilly , not apologise and have to sit through more uncomfortable family occasions or not go to them at all and become a complete outcast in the family.
I suppose that you could try speaking to your aunt on your mum's behalf, but I'm not sure that will help and may make it worse!

crazygranny Mon 16-Sep-19 11:30:34

Nothing can be resolved until somebody has the wits to explain to her exactly what the problem is. She can't apologise for something unless she knows what it is.

JulieMM Mon 16-Sep-19 11:35:40

I completely agree with crazygranny!

Craftycat Mon 16-Sep-19 11:38:07

Keep out of it!!

silvercollie Mon 16-Sep-19 12:55:58

Ref. Crazygranny. I have something similar with my younger sister. Refuses to have anything to do with me. I have absolutely no idea for what reason because she will not answer letters and has changed her phone number. Went through several years of self examination and counselling. All she said prior to this NC is that 'you know what you have done'. No I don't.
I have written several times asking for enlightenment and apologising for whatever it was but no reply. Nor a response when I sent a large bunch of flowers for her 70th birthday a few years ago. Other family members have said that I should leave her be. But she is my sister and I love her. It is very sad. She lives closer to me than any other family member - about 10 miles. Any explanation to help crazygranny might help me too.

Smileless2012 Mon 16-Sep-19 13:05:35

I agree crazygranny if it's worth so many being upset about it's worth the OP's mum being told exactly what she's said that's caused the upset.

I'm sorry about your estrangement from your sister silvercollie it's horrible to be cut out of the life of someone you love especially if you don't know why.

Maybe for your own well being you should try and come to terms with the estrangement. I know it's not an easy thing to do, we've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 7 years.

Keeper1 Mon 16-Sep-19 13:21:44

Nothing is resolved in silence. You need to speak to them both and find out exactly what the problem is and take it from there.

Rosina Mon 16-Sep-19 13:50:57

I really wouldn't know where to start here - it sounds like a situation involving people who are seeking to be offended, and willing to believe hearsay, and the worst, of their own relatives. However, that aside, a 'forced' apology from your Mother in this situation is worthless. I really cannot understand the logic of people being made to 'say sorry'. What is the value of this gesture? If you are truly sorry it springs from the lips at once when you realise what you have done wrong; the British are incredibly good at apologising for absolutely nothing, so apologising for something is second nature. A forced apology is usually accompanied by resentment - have you ever seen a child pouting and uttering the words with a sullen face? Good luck with this fraught scenario - how about your trying to find out exactly what was allegedly said, and who repeated it?

Witchypoo Mon 16-Sep-19 14:17:40

My daughter has not been in contact for ten years. Says i know why. Cant work it out. Had bereavement counselling it feels better. DS thinks he knows what it is. Its to do with my drinking. I havent had a drink for for well over 20 years. If it was while i was drinking she needs to tell me what. I dont have enough years left to work it out so i do not have a daughter. A young lady i know has decided she will take on daughterly duties. She is fun, makes me feel loved and wanted.

luluaugust Mon 16-Sep-19 15:08:41

onlyhereforthebiscuits were you at the wedding and do you have any idea what happened there that your mum could have gossiped about in such a way to stop everyone speaking to her? was drink involved in any way? Your mum must have some idea what this is about so I should try and get it out of her. I don't see why you shouldn't speak to your aunt or one of your cousins? just say you feel very confused and worried, if you are lucky you may get a response. I only suggest this if you want to be a go-between usually a thankless task.

willa45 Mon 16-Sep-19 16:27:30

I don't see any need for your mum to apologize unless these rumors are proven to be true.

To be fair, SILs infidelity must have hurt your uncle but it also hurt and upset those who loved him (understandably so).
Your mum may still grieve her beloved brother and still resent SIL's adultery, even after twenty years.

No matter the circumstances however, I wouldn't press too hard because the rumors may have been started by another. Stirring the proverbial pot will only resurrect more bad feelings and likely produce a worse outcome. If it turns out your mum has unresolved resentment towards SIL, a bit of professional counseling may help her get over it, so she can move on.

Having said that, it's also possible that all of this is embellished hearsay. Malicious rumors can easily be hatched by anyone and often take on a life of their own.

Fiachna50 Mon 16-Sep-19 16:40:23

I had a relative like this, would start a row in an empty house. Id leave them all to get on with it. Needless to say I am no longer in touch with this particular relation and my life has been peaceful ever since. These folk drain you and sometimes you don't realise until you stop contact.

Trixee Mon 16-Sep-19 18:52:52

Good for you Witchypoo, exactly what I would do, apart from changing my will

TrendyNannie6 Mon 16-Sep-19 18:54:19

I don’t think what went on in their marriage was anything to do with your mother but I do feel in order to move on they need to sit down and discuss it like adults, nothing can be sorted unless they communicate

Sussexborn Tue 17-Sep-19 13:39:27

People will believe what they want to believe and are unlikely to want to hear, what they will see, as your version of the truth.
Unfortunately some people thrive on spreading rumors. Best thing to do is not add any fuel to the fire. Keep quiet and carry on with your own life as you see fit. They’ll soon move on to another victim. Try and bear in mind what it felt like to be the victim and be kind to their next one.

Survivor Tue 17-Sep-19 15:32:55

I agree with Keeper1, silence doesn't resolve anything. If communication is refused, I'm calling NARC (narcissist) because it wouldn't matter what you said or did, or didn't do, there would always be a reason to gaslight you and make you the scapegoat.

Hithere Wed 18-Sep-19 00:45:12

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

This is a problem between your mother and other relatives.
As they are all adults, they will deal with it as they see fit.

If you get involved, you have to pick a side and your relationship with the other side will suffer.