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retired husband driving me crazy

(83 Posts)
suzette1613 Fri 11-Oct-19 17:04:34

We have only been married 10 years (second time for both) and both retired 2 years. Maybe it was all too soon to get together but I feel we have nothing in common and his annoying habits are really annoying me. He has potential serious health problems but wont address them, wont talk about relationship problems either, and seems content to lie on the sofa all day watching youtube or smoking outside.
I don`t think he is depressed, just lazy. I keep myself busy and exercise etc mostly to stay out of the way.
I know it is his life but it is so frustrating.

Sillygrandma5GK Fri 11-Oct-19 17:19:28

Oh I feel your pain. Exactly the same circumstances for me except mine had extreme control issues which really only manifested to an unmanageable degree latterly. Just left after almost 20 years. I wake up every morning FREE to do as I please.

It's infuriating when they won't take responsibility for their own health. I wish you well, forge your own life/friends/hobbies and interests - I hope you find some peace.

Tedber Fri 11-Oct-19 17:28:46

What were the first 8 years like suzette? Some people do seem more content to laze about in retirement.

My other half would be one of them. I keep myself busy because I don’t like doing nothing. Although both of us are still working part time.

I just accept it’s how he wants to relax (second marriage also ten years). When I want him to do something with me I just give him the fait accompli- and he does it but I don’t nag. I regularly want to do things with friends and he never moans so I guess it suits me. I wouldn’t like to be without him though, there are lots more things I love him for, which is something I think you need to ask yourself. Would you be happier living alone? Don’t get me wrong I don’t believe being unhappy in a relationship is better than being alone. Sometimes though you, if you want to stay married you just have to agree to be different.

suzette1613 Fri 11-Oct-19 17:29:40

Thank you Sillygrandma5GK for your kind words.

I am just filled with dread at the thought of years and years of this.
On good days I tell myself it could of course be much worse, on bad days I fantasise about moving into my little bolt-hole house (I kept it when we got married). I think I would feel too guilty to go however. On really frustrated days I imagine smothering him with a cushion!

suzette1613 Fri 11-Oct-19 17:37:30

Tedber, the first few years were fine, we were looking for a new house so had a project together. Also we were both working so were not together so much.
I realise that (wise after the event) we should not have married, we have different upbringings and our differences are too great. He has said (in a very rare opening-up moment) that he is content with our marriage as his first one was dreadful! `Marry in haste...` keeps going through my head.

sodapop Fri 11-Oct-19 17:41:21

If you are staying in the marriage because you feel guilty suzette then it's not really enough is it. Also to have kept a 'bolt hole' gives cause for concern. I think you need to look at the pros and cons of this relationship and weigh up how you would both be happiest.
So many people have different expectations of retirement which they don't discuss prior to retiring. Can you reach some compromise about activities/ relaxation.?

Horti Sun 13-Oct-19 02:33:56

It sounds like he’s got what he wants lifestyle wise but you haven’t
I think retirement opens up many cans of worms
While we are busy working and only seeing each other briefly differences in approach to life dont show up but after retirement it’s all there 24/7
I’d say work on doing the things you want to do to avoid resentment
But also think about whether you can tolerate this behaviour longer term
What would happen if you needed help ? Would he rouse himself to do this ?
I’m definitely of the do as much as you can cram in approach
Mine is more do as little as you can get away with but make a big fuss about what you do do
I notice this difference in many partnerships I see
I think it comes down to selfishness
How you stop that I don’t yet have the answer !

WharfedaleGran Sun 13-Oct-19 08:26:16

Just a thought... with those health (?) habits, he may start to have some fairly serious health issues brewing in the not-too-distant future. Might be worth considering how you’d feel about having to look after him, especially as you’re making every effort to stay healthy yourself.
Or indeed, whether he’d want/be able to look after you if you did become ill?

luluaugust Sun 13-Oct-19 11:02:29

You don't sound at all happy and as you are only just retired and have somewhere to go are you sure you want to continue. I think many men think retirement should be relaxing and only doing what they want. He certainly doesn't sound as if he would look after you if you had health problems

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 11:05:07

Today I am in a much more positive frame of mind, thank you everyone.

He of course has good points (helpful with practical things, though doesn`t cope with emotions), and I truly think he sees nothing to change in his behaviour although he knows how frustrated I get. I shall continue to get on with my own life, have lots of things to be thankful for and, even if we haven`t the relationship I wanted and expected, I should act towards him with kindness. It doesn`t always make me feel kind, but I shall persevere!

In a particularly cruel moment recently, I told him if he gets disabled because of his refusal to keep reasonably healthy I would resent looking after him and would not do so..( If it did happen, I expect I would care for him though, more guilt if I didn`t). He said that he would sell this house and use his considerable savings to pay for a nursing home then!

whywhywhy Sun 13-Oct-19 11:22:26

Suzette I feel for you. I'm married second time around as well. Been married 12 years. I worked until 2010 when I retired early due to stress at work (NHS). He worked shifts and it wasn't until I was at home that I noticed a lot of his faults. Yes, I have faults as well but his get on my nerves. Then he retired this year and oh boy I could scream every day. I try and keep myself busy with my hobbies and crafts. He has a hobby of cars. Well I say cars, its rebuilding old ones and the latest he has had off the road for 10 years. Everything takes ages and he isn't interested in doing anything in the house. He can be quite lazy and don't get me started on the jobs that he starts and doesn't finish. I also feel like we have nothing in common as we are now thrown together but at the age of 67 I feel I am too old to go it alone. As a person he can be ok. Also I have had a really bad past and battle with depression every day and now it is getting worse. I'm sending you love, hugs and strength.

quizqueen Sun 13-Oct-19 11:35:17

Is he doing 50% of the household chores or are you his servant? Do you enjoy doing anything together now as a couple? You have your own house to move to, if you are so unhappy then what is stopping you!

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 13:21:52

whywhywhy, I am sorry you are suffering awful retired husband syndrome as well. I supposed you have to weigh up whether the `ok person` to live with is better than none at all or not. My OH has a seasonal hobby but for half the year he must be bored. He goes to the pub at least 3x a week in the evenings, (not my thing except occasionally) he seems to understand men better than women. I wish mine could go and build cars or something to give him an interest! quizqueen, he does nothing in the house unless I ask him to, but is the driver in the family and mows the lawns. My DS and DD say he is an unmovable object.
I think our friends and hobbies will be our lifelines, sending you best wishes and I hope you can keep a sense of humour, though it is difficult.

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 13:30:08

To continue, I suppose I think to have two failed marriages would be just too much, and need to persevere more with this one.
Just needed to rant really, no-one can change another person I know, and I should put up or shut up. It helps to have this forum, it really does.

Sparklefizz Sun 13-Oct-19 15:08:28

suzette Two failed marriages - so what?? Is this situation what you want for the rest of your life, or would it be better to cut your losses?

He won't change and neither will you, but if it were me, I would worry about the health side of things bc having to be the carer of someone you don't love/like would be extremely hard, and I suspect you'd feel resentful as you are making efforts to look after yourself. But none of us knows what's round the corner, and it doesn't sound as if he would look after you if it came to it.

You have to weigh up whether you would feel trapped. The biggest problem for those of us who felt forced to leave for one reason or another was the worry of having nowhere to go .... you have a bolthole. I think you should make use of it. If you don't have tenants living in it, why not move out for a few weeks as a trial to see how you feel?

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 16:32:51

Yes Sparklefizz, I have been having the odd few days in my bolthole since retirement, it is rented out at the moment, short term, but is certainly an option. To me, a partner needing to `get away` would be a big red flag that needs discussion but OH chooses to ignore the subject.

His lack of concern about his health does obviously concern me. I think he does value me in his own way but whether he would be any help if I was chronically ill..I don`t know.

I shall bring up his lifestyle choices with him again, in a gentle way. Any mentions of it always brings up the accusation of `nagging`. I do try not to.

Sparklefizz Sun 13-Oct-19 17:38:44

"Nagging" is every man's excuse. Men know we hate that description and will back off..... but it is just that .... an excuse not to engage.

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 17:51:58

Sparklefizz, how very true!

I try to ignore his less important annoying habits, but he does have a lot of truly awful big ones, mostly because he has an extremely addictive personality. Habits have escalated too over the years.

I could murder him when I bring a subject up that he feels uncomfortable with, and all he does is smirk and roll his eyes, so disrespectful. Grr!

anniezzz09 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:07:57

I'm another one, Suzette, I was eager for us to downsize and move. That proved a tangle in itself, it was so hard to agree on where and what house. He's found it very hard to leave work behind and is still dabbling in a little freelance but is also beginning to do a few local things like join a choir and a social cum art group (not that he's arty but that's not the emphasis). He does say he feels lost.

To me, it feels like we have nothing in common anymore. He does lots of housework but he never consults, he just does what he thinks. I'm not sure he ever really listened to me but life was too busy to notice, now I feel he's become very selfish and opinionated and if we disagree, he just shouts at me. I've been wondering if I'd be happier on my own. I've got lots of hobbies and have been having some success at making friends. Financially, I'd be worse off, no bolthole, but as people often say, money only goes so far. We have to decide just how unhappy we are. He won't consider separating, the relationship suits him, not quite my position.

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:31:29

anniezzz, how stupid of your husband to shout at you, how on earth would that make things better?

He is content to be in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, just because it suits him? Very selfish, I think this describes my husband also, he is brilliant at hiding his head in the sand, it`s not an elephant in the room, it`s a whole bloody herd!

Where does your husband see your marriage going if things don`t change? Is he willing to discuss things at all, without getting heated?

Wishing you good luck with things, have you done the pros and cons list for yourself re: staying with him?

Harris27 Sun 13-Oct-19 19:01:31

I’ve ebeen married 42 years we married young and have worked all our lives but retirement is a little way off I wonder after reading this how we will cope. It’s different when you only see each other a couple of hours a day and at weekends.

sodapop Sun 13-Oct-19 19:59:40

Talk about it now Harris and discuss your expectations of retirement, its a big life change. You may need to rethink things a bit and compromise in some areas.

Sparklefizz Sun 13-Oct-19 20:07:08

Suzette You deserve better!

Barmeyoldbat Sun 13-Oct-19 20:24:10

Don't worry about two failed marriage, friend of mine had three but is quite happy. I just don't see the point in making do, life is to short. Could you not live in your bolt hole, and him in the other and still be friends?

suzette1613 Sun 13-Oct-19 20:30:52

I would be happy enough with that Barmeyoldbat (love the name!) but think he would be extremely hurt (he is very conventional in that respect.) He says he likes having me around, though he really doesn`t work on the marriage at all, thinks being a good provider is enough.