Walking on Eggshells

Alioop

I knew what mood my ex was in the way he pushed the gate open. I used to watch out the window so I knew what was coming that evening. I kept thinking I would get "I'm sorry I'll never do that again" on his gravestone when he passed away. Didn't stick around, I got out of there before he totally ruined my life, he had got 14 years of it already. I'll never have a relationship again, ever.

???????

Rather than bipolar it sounds more like a personality disorder to me. There's nothing that anyone can do except protect themselves.

Sue110

I’ve been tiptoeing around my husbands moods for 16 years & was wondering if anyone else is dealing with this kind of personality? Some examples...
If I say something he doesn’t like he blanks me for days at a time. Or I may say something he doesn’t agree with he flies into a verbally explosive rage at me. If I’ve annoyed him & we are with friends, he blanks me whilst chatting to them as if everything’s ok. At other times he is often kind & pleasant. I never know where I stand with him. I’m 65 & am at the point of leaving... this is a huge decision as I’m now retired... but I feel I deserve more... there is so much more I could tell you...

Leave him

@Thisismyname1953. I’m one of them and spoke from experience. It could be undiagnosed bipolar disorder, in which cases simple medication could be enough to sort it out. If it’s just plain nastiness, then yes, I agree the OP needs to get away, but surely they should try to sort it out first.

Hi - I was married for 32 years to a moody man. His moods would last for days until I apologised. Most of the time i didn't know what I had done. Once I retired I decided no more and ended the marriage. I moved back to my home town and although a carer for my disabled son, I feel free in that I no longer am afraid of upsetting him. My only regret is that I didn't do it earlier. I am able to see my old friends from years ago and also have made many new ones. I know have a life. Looking back I think my ex was very controlling. I think the way you are being treated is not right. Ask yourself would you be happier without him, life is too short.

You don't say how long you've been married. Have you had a successful relationship before the last 16 years? Could he be mentally ill or emotionally compromised? If so, I'd tell him to get help or he's out of the house. If you've spent your whole marriage this way, then I doubt he will change no matter what.

I think a short break from each other would allow you to assess your real feelings for your husband, and him for you. You can then decide without pressure what your next steps should be. Do you have children or family you could talk to if you need a sounding board? Or even to stay with if you can’t face being alone at the moment. Good luck xx

Get legal and financial/pension advice on your options before you make a decision. Counselling may be worth trying but only when you know your options. A late in life divorce is more often than not a form of fnancial suicide, as often both partners have accept a much lower standard of living. Once retired, a couple's financial situation is usually fairly predictable. Many women choose to stay in unhappy relationships rather than accept the fall in living standards. Not me. I left my husband when I was 58, after a very long marriage, the last 10 years were very unhappy. My husband was extremely difficult in terms of getting the house sold, and 4 years later I still haven't had my share of the house as he has adopted delaying tactics. he can't seem to accept that I've gone to live on my own, no one else involved. He has a big ego, is very opinionated, and claimed always being in the right and that I was the unreasonable one in no longer tolerating his controlling behaviour. Some of his friends don't even know I've left him even though it's over 4 years. I am much happier on my own. I have new hobbies and my anxiety is under control.
I rented a small flat for several years and finally bought a little cottage with a nice garden, something I had wanted to do for a long will . However I was still working so I could get a mortgage pending the matrimonial home sale, I hope to be mortgage free by retirement..

I so feel for you. This is bullying behaviour. Get out and don't look back. If he loved you he wouldn't treat you like this. I wish you all the very best. X

Sorry to hear Sue110. I had exactly the same thing with my ex partner. Yes you do deserve more, as I realise I did. Looking back it is mental abuse and I got to the stage I daren't say anything in case he swore at me or like you blanked me for days - he knew how hurtful that was. Luckily (in hindsight - a wonderful thing) after 14 years he went out one night and never came home and wouldn't tell me why. Do you know it was the best thing he ever did - I dread what it would have been like during the lockdown, especially as he would have, I'm sure, resisted restrictions (he didn't like to think anyone could tell him what to do.) It is hard but you shouldn't have to tiptoe around him. When we went out he was the cheekie chappie, the life and soul but I've certainly told people what he was like now he's gone and some even realised it anyway (they say love is blind) Good Luck with whatever you decide to do but again, yes we do deserve better. I'm still happily single after 7 years (pity about the lockdown) but usually have a social life, holiday alone and have really good friends - don't think I'd want to bother again.

I looked it up the silent treatment is called stonewalling. I have something a bit similar been married 41 years this Friday! Something very small can be said so insignificant I have to write it down as afterwards I won't remember what it was. My husband is 68, he's always done the silence but not very often seems to go through phases. Not sure at the moment if he has any problems, have memory clinic appointment next week( he's forgotten about it). Silences just one of a range of things. He does absolutely nothing I mean absolutely just washes himself. I waiting till next week see what they say. It's all very well people saying leave. It's not that easy, in your 60s, I'm nearly 62.if money was no problem that would make it all much easier but it is a huge factor. I feel for you x

Hi . I’m new to this site but what you’ve written strikes a chord & could be me writing about my husband. I’m 67 & married to him 47 years. Only things that keep me sane are my lovely daughter & my job. Largely because of him I’ve lost my son & grandchildren but he doesn’t care about my feelings one bit. I’m dreading retirement and know I need to leave but am scared of him & his violent temper. Just need to find the courage to do it...

You certainly do deserve more, I personally wouldn’t put up with it , I’m very surprised you have stuck it for 16 years to be honest! You have one life, can you honestly imagine another 20 odd years living like this, please get finances in order and leave,

If you feel you are worth more you definitely are - find your new life and enjoy it, you deserve it

I think you know what to do at long last; you just need to know there are supporting arms around you....

How sad and awful that you have had to put up with his behaviour for so long.agree with other posters.

Make sure you get everything financially and start divorce proceedings. He sounds hateful.So glad I am on my own.

For all you saying he could be depressed or may have a brain tumour, OP has said that he’s been doing this for sixteen years so I doubt it’s due to illness. You only have one life and deserve to be happy . Ditch him .

This sounds like typical narcissistic behaviour. I had a 6 year relationship with someone like this and it was soul destroying. Sadly it put me off relationships for life but I’m very content on my own now. He won’t change. Free yourself and eventually you will realise it’s the best thing you could have done. Narcissists tend to home in on warm, caring people, suck them dry and then move on to the next victim. You deserve better. Good luck.

I’m glad you found happiness, too, Sodapop.

Harv1 - the peace. That’s what my friends have said. The sheer peace of waking up each morning, knowing you don’t have to second-guess anyone else’s moods or reactions.

Good luck with your future plans. Well done for finding the courage to make this decision. You are worth more than that.

You do not deserve this to be the life you have to look forward to. Only one piece of advice; Please get legal advice and discover what money is where before you tell him. Good Luck.

I knew what mood my ex was in the way he pushed the gate open. I used to watch out the window so I knew what was coming that evening. I kept thinking I would get "I'm sorry I'll never do that again" on his gravestone when he passed away. Didn't stick around, I got out of there before he totally ruined my life, he had got 14 years of it already. I'll never have a relationship again, ever.

You deserve better, I left my husband after 16 years of pure hell. It is the best thing I have ever done. Life is too short. All the best to you.

Yes, I’ve been there too. Nothing I did was right. It was both our second marriage and I didn’t want to fail twice so I stuck it out for far too long. In the end he made the decision to part and I was forced into agreeing to sell our house which we built many years previously. That took 2 years of continued he’ll. We have never divorced .... neither of us saw the point as I was 69 at the time and he was 78 and were married for 40 years. However once I accepted the situation and found myself able to buy a small house I am very happy living alone with my cat. I’m so glad I went down the independence route where as he went and lived with our son so that he could contribute his share into a better house with them. We are now perfectly friendly and I thank God I can go home to MY house! I think our son finds their arrangement a bit difficult. I just wish all this had happened 20 years earlier. So, go ahead, bite the bullet and make the break.