Different pace in retirement

Agree with above : don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

I haven’t read every post but I may be old fashioned but the word ‘love’ hasn’t been mentioned!! Do you love her and see yourself together for the rest of your lives, do you have children together?

I think you’re using the travelling as an excuse and permission to split up, if you’re not happy speak to her and work out if you actually want to stay together or not.

Good post yammy

Life is too short to be miserable, leading a sedentary lifestyle there is plenty of time for that. If she doesn't like activity and making the most of each day then find a person/people who do. Try sorting everything out and if she is in denial that there is anything wrong with life from where she is standing then leave and go on a brand new adventure.

My DH retired 6 years ago and we immediately booked to go on a world cruise which we both loved and we enjoyed every minute of the 4 months we were away.

We have a holiday home where we spend a lot of time. I have many hobbies and he has always played golf and tennis, so we spend a lot of time apart. This time last year he had a TIA and he really hasn’t been the same. Not bothered to play golf and tennis, watches far too much Tv, really has no motivation for anything and his energy levels are very low. We won’t be going away again I don’t think and he wouldn’t be happy about me going without him. We are both 71. Not how I imagined our retirement to be.
My advice is to break off your relationship and make every day count and go adventure. You will regret it if you don’t.

Didn’t I see a post on GN recently from a woman whose husband/ partner wanted to go on lots of holidays and always chose the destination/ expensive options, while she had less money and didn’t get to choose where to go?

All the OP’s travelling sounds very expensive. Maybe his partner’s reluctance to share his enthusiasm stems from her reluctance to fritter away hard-earned money she can’t really afford going to destinations that don’t appeal to her.

Why do so many of you assume the OP is married and is in some way not living up to his vows? He clearly says "partner" in his post. We don't know how long they have been together or if they have raised a family together; all we know is that they like to do different things. I agree they need to talk to each other about it rather than Gransnet.

Ydoc

I understand what you mean. We are both retired but i am looking for a job. My husband is very happy content is his word doing absolutely and i mean absolutely nothing. The whole day goes witj him having just watched tv, week in week out. Whereas i am a busy person and need to be active and achieve something. Otherwise i feel i would be hanging around waiting to pop off. I often find myself wondering how much longer i can stand it. Watching him rot is making me rot, not that i sit with him tv watching but i know hes doing it. I have to go everywhere aline in fact if someone asked me if im married i will say in name only.

My DH is of a very similar mettle to your's Ydoc. For him lockdown has been situation normal - he was born for it. As long as he has got his glass of red wine in one hand, and vaper in the other while faffing about on the lap top on the sofa, he's a happy bunny.

As for the effect this has on me......well, most of the time I'm ok with it really. He's a happy and quite happy for me to do whatever I want and whenever I want including a 6 month trip abroad, when Covid permits, with my bessie mate from uni days ( who is also married, and her DH is happy with this too).

Despite our great differences aka levels of activity, the marriage works. We rub along well together, make one another laugh, and respect one another.

I understand what you mean. We are both retired but i am looking for a job. My husband is very happy content is his word doing absolutely and i mean absolutely nothing. The whole day goes witj him having just watched tv, week in week out. Whereas i am a busy person and need to be active and achieve something. Otherwise i feel i would be hanging around waiting to pop off. I often find myself wondering how much longer i can stand it. Watching him rot is making me rot, not that i sit with him tv watching but i know hes doing it. I have to go everywhere aline in fact if someone asked me if im married i will say in name only.

Why not travel on your own? My Grandfather went to Africa after he retired even though he wasn’t in the best of health. He had a cracking time. My Grandmother didn’t want to travel as she was a real home bird. They both did as they wanted.

My husband has been away since before lockdown looking after his brother and has now returned home. I visit my family in NZ annually. He doesn’t want to do the long haul flights.

We enjoy doing our own thing as well as holidaying together. Why make such a big deal of it? Life isn’t a rehearsal!

How would you feel if you read your post in reverse and your partner was wanting to be out and about all the time and you wanted to 'potter" at home or appear to? What would you think if she said she wanted to go on a ten-week residential gardening course?
She sounds very accommodating to me, how many partners would approve. You've got jam on the scone and want cream as well.
You really need to think hard about this and then have a good talk together. Is travelling just an excuse for restless feet in other areas of your relationship.
Why do you ask on a mainly womans forum? Are you looking to see what other women would tolerate? Or are you hoping your partner will see your post, does she know you have done it.
Maybe you need to talk to some men and see how they and their partners mediate each other's needs.

Just think of the Queen and Prince Philip - they didn't get through all the years of marriage they had by living in one another's pockets. If your partner is happy for you to do your own thing that seems okay to me. I don't think couples do walk in lockstep for the whole of a relationship but if I was you I would check if she thinks you're growing apart. It's just as possible she feels you're out of step with what she wants.

However, it could just be that she is happy for you to go away and bring back new and interesting stories and views, just as you presumably did when you were working. Once she has retired things may change again.

All I will say is that 64 is young BUT the years fly by. We had planned to do so much but are now not well enough. We wonder why we didn’t just get on with it when we could. How about finding a like minded male friend to travel with? Not the same I know, but why not?

Be careful what you wish for. Dating is an absolute nightmare at ant age, so if you and your partner get on well stick with her. Enjoy your own pursuits then enjoy coming home to your lady otherwise you may live to regret it.
I personally do not like travelling either, and you should respect the fact that we all have different things we enjoy.

CafeAuLait

If I remember correctly, on your last thread you weren't prepared to help your wife with travel costs because you felt she hadn't saved for retirement as well as you think she should have.

If that is so and this is still going on, maybe you need to decide if you are willing to change and support her so she can stop having to work. Maybe then she'd be able and willing to accompany you? If not, then she is tied to keeping working which will stop her from having as much ability to travel. If these obstacles are removed and she still doesn't want to travel and it's not resolvable, you'll have to consider other options like travel alone or with another companion. This can only be worked out after a good heart to heart with your wife.

I can't understand in any way why you wouldn't help your wife with travel costs surely you are a partnership in every way including money matters.When my late darling man was working and I was working all our salaries went into the same pot and used for holidays/breaks as and when we wanted either together or separately with other friends.

I wonder if Rubicon had reached the Rubicon in the relationship? Is there a subliminal message in the user name here?
It does sound like a serious conversation is needed as recent/pending retirement often triggers different bucket list, and to see if there is a workable compromise to meet in the middle. Depending on how finances work in the relationship, if they are not equally balanced, long haul holidays can be very expensive and this can inhibit decisions to spend on them if it would mean the partner sacrificing their financial security, or something else they want to do.

You really need to get clear why she is not interested in doing more - is it because she's still working; is it health-related; is it because she needs more time alone (so that you going away gives her a break?) Is she depressed? Or are you both just, basically, incompatible? You also need to ask yourself if you will be happy to continue to travel alone? It reminds me of a friend of mine (female) who had the same issue with her husband when they retired - he just wanted to enjoy his home, get more into gardening and become more invoved in the village where they lived; she longed to travel frequently and have some advantures. He was happy for her to travel by herself - but she longed for someone to travel WITH. Eventually, they had marriage counselling and came to the realisation that they had both wanted different things for many years - but it had been obscured by work and children, never properly faced, and each thought that the other would come around to their way of thinking. They had to face the next 20-30 years of the same, or be brave enough to make a change - which they did, and divorced. 8 years on and (before Covid) she travelled all over the world and now has a new partner who is equally restless, and they have already travelled around SE Asia together (before lockdown) and now have lots of plans for more when lockdown is over, whereas her ex was soon snapped up by a local lady who shared his interest in gardening (they both now run the local organic gardening group). They are both MUCH happier. Only you and your partner can make the decision. PS the fact that she was fine with you going away for 10 weeks rings alarm bells for me - this needs to be addressed (preferably in relationship counselling with a neutral third person). You're clearly not happy with her - maybe she's equally as unhappy with you?

It’s a shame your partner seems to be content with a much quieter life than you and early 60s is young if you have no medical problems. But if it is really just about travel and she is happy to let you go off for weeks at a time it seems sad to split up. The grass isn’t always greener ........ as one of our friends who left his wife when he was 70 soon found out. I’ve been on several group holidays with either DH or a girl friend. There are always singles on these trips, often they pal up but equally couples pal up with them too. Couples in their 60s + don’t necessarily want to spend their time in ‘coupledom’, it’s good to chat to others.

Witzend

What does the OP mean by ‘pottering’, though?
I suspect it may well mean doing various things that personally he wouldn’t be interested in, or bothered about.

TBH I don’t agree that anyone is entitled to tell a spouse - especially one who’s still working part-time - how to spend their time, or how they ought to want to spend it. People who like telling other people what they ought to enjoy, whatever it may be, are IMO a major PITA.

my thoughts entirely! Also, I often say to my husband I do all the jobs that are invisible and it's only when I stop doing them that anyone even notices!

If I remember correctly, on your last thread you weren't prepared to help your wife with travel costs because you felt she hadn't saved for retirement as well as you think she should have.

If that is so and this is still going on, maybe you need to decide if you are willing to change and support her so she can stop having to work. Maybe then she'd be able and willing to accompany you? If not, then she is tied to keeping working which will stop her from having as much ability to travel. If these obstacles are removed and she still doesn't want to travel and it's not resolvable, you'll have to consider other options like travel alone or with another companion. This can only be worked out after a good heart to heart with your wife.

My husband and I are different as well, he likes to keep busy where i am content just to mosey along. We both do our own things and are happy. You cant expect your partner to like all the things you like. As for the travelling thing, we are a bit the same, a few years ago he wanted to do a long driving trip, i was not so keen so he made sure we had lots of stops and we agreed to stop and see things that interested both of us. Maybe your partner is just not interested in where you want to go?

I am in the same position as you, husband won't/doesn't want to go abroad and is happy watching telly every night. So in November 2018 I embarked on a weeks holiday on my own to test it and I had a really nice time -it's a bit more difficult for women I think because most people asked where was my husband! Despite this I enjoyed it and when lockdown eases I am planning to go again. We are both members of U3A and I have met lots of single ladies who have become good friends. The answer is keep travelling, join a club or something and spend the rest of the time at home with your partner.

I would look at your relationship as a whole before thinking about going your separate ways. If this is just one little niggle is it really worth parting? My neighbour loved to travel, her DH did not, so she enjoyed holidays with her niece. He didn't particularly like being left behind but it was his choice to stay at home. Their marriage survived, but that may not suit you. A little time apart may make you appreciate each other more. You don't have to be like two peas in a pod to have a happy marriage.

What does the OP mean by ‘pottering’, though?
I suspect it may well mean doing various things that personally he wouldn’t be interested in, or bothered about.

TBH I don’t agree that anyone is entitled to tell a spouse - especially one who’s still working part-time - how to spend their time, or how they ought to want to spend it. People who like telling other people what they ought to enjoy, whatever it may be, are IMO a major PITA.

You maybe married but you are not joined at the hip you no lol. My dad brought me up always saying you get one roll of your dice of life. You should live everyday like it’s your last. Why do you need your wife to go. Can’t you go with a friend. It will give you both space apart to look at your life’s and what you want from each other. Covid as taught us life’s too short.