Moving on - should I feel guilty?

Good luck you can do it ?

When I left my ex I told him how much I would be happy with and told him he could keep his pensions, so I knew I'd have no ties at all with him. I moved in with family, he lived in our marital home until it sold. I got my share and that was that. Divorce was applied for, by him cos he knew it was final, I only went to a solicitor once to sign papers and he showed his face in court for 10 minutes, marriage finito. I now have my own home, I share it with my dog and I am so happy. Come and go as I please, no more insults, I've got peace at last.

If you have a friend or female relative who can support you through this I VERY much recommend that. You will need a strong woman to help.

We have only one life on this earth.
Leave as soon as possible.
You've sacrificed enough years for this man, or should I say bully.
It is a known fact that women can cope far better on their own than men. Ask any widow of long-standing.
It is only fear of being alone that keeps so many women in these sort of marriages.
Your self-esteem will rocket!!!! Good luck.

Does your house belong to both of you, or only to your husband? Have you shared investments or work pension maybe a widow's pension? Take care of yourself.

He sounds paranoid. Are you afraid of him? If you feel guilty, you can maybe promise yourself to keep in touch with him in a friendly way. Is he attractive? If so he might find some other woman .

Unless your furniture is valuable antiques you should forget it, as it can be easily and cheaply replaced. Some furniture is not worth the cost of packing, transporting or storing. Your emotional health is more important than chairs and tables.

Madeleine's advice is good.

Nowadays this is called a Coercive relationship and is against the law, he can be prosecuted for it. I was in the same style relationship for 20 yrs, and it almost killed me trying to escape. I left him with everything as I was too scared to stand up to him, and he even took me to a solicitor to sign a form saying I would never ask for any money from him. In those days there was nothing I could do, as he never physically hurt me, but was all mental and psychological abuse. Thank goodness the law has changed, follow the link for more info about women's rights in a coercive relationship. Be strong, be brave, you will look back on this in a few years and realise how lucky you were to escape. Good Luck! rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

Please don’t stay in this marriage. When I decided to leave my husband 20 years ago I found a rental house for my son and I, took out a loan for the deposit without even knowing how I was going to cope financially. But I didn’t care, I just knew I had to get away. I never regretted it and we were fine.

Madeleine45's response brought me to the edge of tears, every suggestion so apt. I left my controlling, abusive husband years ago, but it was so, so hard. Over many weeks I secretly planned my 'get-away', squirrelling away the child allowance in order to save for the train fares for myself and toddler son. We left one morning while he was out with just one bag of clothes each. I re-built our lives from that day, and never regretted it, despite the huge difficulties, financially and emotionally. Walkandtalk - You have one life. You have already given 40 years of it to your undeserving partner. Please try not to let guilt stand in the way of the future happiness that is not only what you deserve, but is your right. From my own experience, making the decision to leave (and sticking to it) is of course huge, but once done, everything else will gradually slot into place, week by week, month by month, and the day will arrive when this unhappy time will be a memory and you will be helping others by your bravery in this situation!

You can do this...you will do this. Ask solicitor if it is better to stay in house until it is sold by the way. Your husband might take it off the market without you knowing.

Would you leave him if he wasn’t type 1 diabetic ?!
He is not going to change - leaving my first abusive husband was the best thing I ever did - for me it was the mental/emotional abuse rather than the physical (although they find a way to do that where it can’t be seen), the daily put-downs that was the worse as it just goes on and on ... the abuse that no-one sees!!! it’s not going to get better ... get your stuff in order and leave him to it, you will find freedom and peace x

Walkandtalk -a clear case of gaslighting - and he thinks you should stay together and work at the marriage because he wants to continue his coercive behaviour with you - the longer you stay the longer you are enabling this behaviour and it will only get worse as he becomes older. Play along with the sale of the house but in the meantime plan your exit. Good luck.

Why waste your remaining years with this controlling bully. You will be entitled to a 50/50 split on the property. Don't waste anymore time with this man, start getting your finances sorted and head off to a happier future.

First of all see if he has any neurological disease as it changes personalities. Secondly, plan your leaving carefully ...research places to live (there is a home share plan for older people if you cannot afford to rent or buy on your own at the moment, or until the house is sold .........he will probably make a sale difficult ....) .....look at a cheaper area to move to on your own until you have money from the house sale ....you might even like it there ! Glad you have taken legal advice and financially are going to be ok ......in my case, my late husband's personality changed around 4 years before he was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease which totally altered his personality ...he became angry, aggressive and bullying ... luckily I am a person who just shrugs my shoulders and ignored it (been there before, done that !) but I did care for him for the last few years before his death, even though I had to put him into a VERY expensive care home before the end as I could no longer cope at home when he developed vascular dementia and then cancer. I visited him every day but am perhaps lucky that I chose to stay and not leave him as I had planned a few years before ....financially it made it easier for me to sell the house, and move on .....its a very hard decision to make .....I wonder, if you have noticed any changes in him like you mention, controlling, etc he may have an illness ..is there any family you could sofa surf with until you decide ....or take a break as soon as things re open, even a caravan holiday for a month ! good luck

There is a whole world out there waiting for you where you can make your own decisions and run your life as you wish - all the best. Many Gransnetters will be with you all the way

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madeleine45

My first husband was definitely a controller and was adept at making me doubt myself and even though I was in a senior management position and looked up to at work, at home it was a different matter. He would not speak to me for days, yet if someone called round would be all sweetness and light and they would not see how he was behaving when we were alone. What gave me the courage to leave was seeing my 4 year old watching him do this instant change as someone came to visit and then looking at me. I knew that I did not want my son to grow up light him. so it took a lot of courage but I did leave, taking my son and just left everything behind. He threatened to kill me and kidnap my son, but once I had left I was able to see what he was doing. I have only wished that I had left earlier. Life was difficult for a while but I met my wonderful second husband who was a marvellous step father to my son and a great role model. we had 33 happy years together and now I am a widow but am so glad that I left. Can I suggest that you write down all the reasons you need to leave and put it in an envelope and leave that with either a trusted friend or even put it in your bank for safe keeping so that you will have it to look at when you start to doubt yourself. I got to the point where when I heard his key in the door I used to tense up and feel sick. That is no way to live life, and you may depend upon it that whatever he says to you, the leopard does not change its spots and he will only do things to keep you with him so that he can continue to control you. Put your mind now onto thinking what if anything you really want to keep with you. Look forward to your own life and plan what you might do, do you have friends of long standing who know how your life has been that you could confide in? start looking round to see where you might live, contact probably citizens advice firstly who could point you in the right way. do you own the house jointly or at least do you have your name on deeds or such like things? do you have a joint bank account or do you have one of your own. At the very least open an account at a different bank or building society which has no connection with your previous bank so that you have something sorted. Check if you have a joint account with a solicitor or the citizens advice your situation financially. If you have a joint account you need to be ready to close or deal with it and make sure that you are not responsible for half the debts as if you leave and he spends a lot of money from the account and goes into the red it will affect your credit score and leave you with debts to pay which is another controlling sort of behaviour he could do. Have a list in your mind and start accomplishing these things to give you practical knowledge about matters and most of all if you feel at home in this area with friends and acquaintances DONT move with him. If you move to somewhere you know no one he will definitely gain even more power over your life and you will be stuck with him. I am diabetic myself and sort myself out. We are responsible for ourselves and if we care deeply for someone we do so for love. dont let him use an illness or anything else to control you. You are a human being and entitled to live in any way you want , so long as you dont hurt others. Every day as you go about your ordinary life start doing the ironing and thinking I will take this with me , leave that etc. It is good training for thinking of your new free life. do get the best bit of it all by just working out what you want to take, organise a storage place for stuff if in the beginning you are not sure where you are going and then plan quietly and keep sorting things out and work towards a date and dont keep putting it off. The effort and pain is just the same whenever you have to cope with it so as you cannot minimize it it will be better to do it sooner rather than later. The best bit is that when you are ready, you arrange for a van, put all the things you want into it and go. shut the door on the past misery in that house and ignore him and his move let him sort it out. Nothing to do with you anymore , You will be going back to the person you are , a worthwhile woman with things to look forward to even the simplest thig of sitting where you like and listening to your choice of music. All the effort you have had to put into worrying wht he will say, do , or how he will behave will be gone and your energy will be for your new life. It will be draining and exhausting, I do not pretend it is otherwise but worth it and for me gardening is a great healing thing. If you have your own garden you can go out and do quiet simple things and see how it grows or go and help a community garden. May you have the strength to go sooner rather than later but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and hope that you will regain your own life to do as you please with

Very very good advice here. So sorry you had to go through this M45...???

You have no reason to feel guilty.

You are feeling guilty because that is what a man like the one you married does. He makes you feel guilty through his controlling behaviour.

Pack your clothes, plus anything that was a personal present from anyone to you and move these things out - to a friend or to your new home.

Ask him what furniture etc he wants to keep and tell him, don't ask, what you want.

If he gets nasty about what you want, get in touch with your solicitor. There must be some instance that arbitrates in this kind of divorce about movable goods.

Good luck.

Another thing, if you own the property jointly, advise the estate agent of your situation so that your husband cannot control the sale without your permission.
You can do this, just needs planning. Leave when you are prepared and on your own terms.
It will be worth it, I promise.
Take care and good luck

Don’t forget you are entitled to half of everything which I’m sure your solicitor explained
This would be an ideal time for you to leave him, make everything less stressful by having the removal company to pack everything into boxes and put your name on everything you want
Don’t feel guilty about leaving him he has chipped away at your confidence all these years, when you leave him and with emotional support you could be a different, more confident woman.
I would prefer to be happy in a one bedroom flat than in a mansion with someone like him sapping the life out of you. ?

This is a controlling bully and you don’t have to put up with his behaviour. Get rid is my advice. I’m into my fifth year of being alone after a long marriage. Similar behaviour to that which you describe. So much happier on my own. The freedom is priceless.

I understand how you feel!
I divorced at the age of 70.
So simple to do on line, no solicitors, split everything down the middle. The entire process took only 3 months
And cost about £500.

No regrets! More a feeling of elation. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Good Luck

In addition to all the good advice so far, look up "Charming Manipulator".

In asking you to research it is my hope that you are better able to find your freedom and can keep your freedom.

Understanding that this type of behaviour and treatment of others has so much written about it may help you stay on your own course and not be dragged back into his power plays (manipulation).

If you learn about HOW he operates you stand a chance of better understand why he will not change and HOW he keeps you confused and uncertain.

You have left once but his act of sorrow and promised of better was just that - an act and sadly you feel for it.

It is part of his Charming Manipulator behaviour. As is the Passive Aggression - his long periods of silence.

Get help and support so you are not alone. As has been said Women's Aid has lots of ways to help.

If it gets too difficult they have Refuges where you can go if it gets too bad. I had to go into a Women's Aid Refuge to escape my ex and I wouldn't have found my way forward without them.

You are not alone in falling for his behaviour time and again and only you can get you free and keep you free.

You clearly know the future you want and have some good plans in place to get there - BUT - keeping the life you want is the hardest part.

He's not at all interested in what you want, it's all about him. You are Useful not Valuable to him.

Time to make yourself VALUABLE and USEFUL to yourself for yourself.

Good Luck and those of us who have walked this path will be here to offer you what we can in support of goal.

40 years! That’s a lifetime of abuse. Don’t feel sorry for him, go now. It will be hard, but DO IT.

Could you rent a small storage unit nearby and take some belongings each time he goes for a walk until you are ready to leave

He says he doesn't trust you or respect you!!! There you are then. You'd be well rid of the blighter.