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Son on rebound - wants to marry

(30 Posts)
MeowWow Fri 22-Mar-24 14:51:02

Sorry it’s a long post.

My DS “separated” (meaning he slept downstairs, her upstairs) at the end of 2022. Their financial situation prevented separate homes. They have two children (14 and 12).

During December 2023 my DS joined a dating site and was liked by a Spanish woman living in Dublin. He liked her back and from then on they apparently spoke every night and found they could tell each other anything.

At the end of January my DS moved into his own place. (My two DG were very upset as the separation for them was now real).

A week or so later his “friend” flew over and stayed the weekend with him (after never having met him in person). A week or so later, she flew over again for the weekend. Then in March my DS flew to Dublin and stayed with her for 5 nights. Before going to Dublin my DS told me that they are in love with each other and as soon as his divorce is through (May) they will get married so that she can come to England without having to apply to live/work here.

I was happy for my DS finding someone he can talk to and make him feel worthy (he was in an abusive marriage). However, I’m so worried that he’s rushing into marriage so quickly after only knowing this woman for a short while. Apparently she wants to come to England but can’t get in because she’s doesn’t have any qualifications.

I feel he’s in a very vulnerable state after being treated so bad by his soon-to-be ex wife. I’ve told my DS that whilst I’m very happy that he’s met someone I feel he should not rush into marrying her. Thing is, if they don’t marry she would not be able to come and live in England and they’d have to make do with travelling back and forth between England and Dublin.

My DS is now very hurt that I’m not supporting him wanting to marry and won’t discuss it anymore with me. He’s also not thinking of how this marriage would affect his two children as they do not know anything about his new relationship. Both DC are just getting used to their parents living apart (custody is 50/50).

I can’t help but wonder why this woman went on a dating site looking for a partner in England and not closer to Dublin (she found my DS as he was only looking within a 40 mile radius from where he lives). I can’t help but wonder if she is telling him everything he wants to hear (he’s vulnerable and on the rebound) because she wants to live and work in England.

What do other GNs think?

25Avalon Fri 22-Mar-24 14:59:08

Difficult to say without meeting this lady your son is enamoured with. Have you met her yet? Perhaps you could arrange to do so. Then you would have a more informed opinion. Sadly if you are right it may be difficult to convince your son. There are none so blind as those who will not see. Try to remain on good terms with your son as if this goes pear shape he will need support. How do the gc feel about this person? I wonder if your son has thought of them and asked. This could be an angle for you to work on.

Hithere Fri 22-Mar-24 15:07:41

Be happy for your son

None of your business

aggie Fri 22-Mar-24 15:28:14

Lots of Irish people live in England , I’m puzzled ? Or is she an immigrant to Ireland ?

Theexwife Fri 22-Mar-24 15:38:14

It will make no difference if you disapprove or not so best to not say anything negative and alienate him.

There is a chance it could work out.

Desdemona Fri 22-Mar-24 15:41:09

She is Spanish and living in Dublin which is part of the EU.

I agree that things seem to be moving very fast but there is nothing much you can do except continue to be a loving mother and grandmother.

karmalady Fri 22-Mar-24 15:45:53

Sounds as though there is the potential for a romance scam, even if just to get permission to live in the uk. Be there, stand back and leave the rest to him, he is an adult. With a bit of luck you may have sown the seed of doubt in his mind. He has to deal with it by himself

BlueBelle Fri 22-Mar-24 15:46:42

She sounds as if shes a Spanish immigrant living in Dublin aggie
It’s a difficult one I can see your concerns
The relationship is very very new if it started just before Christmas (3 months is a blink even if they have been talking everyday) They ve only met three times if I ve read it correctly and not many sensible people will get married 5/6 months after meeting, especially if their fingers have already been burnt
Your son sounds very naive how is he going to support his two children and a new home and a new wife who may not be able to work straight away ?
I wouldn’t worry about her wanting to marry your son so she can live in England as Dublin is a lovely city and she will have as much chance of finding work there as here
Maybe they re both on the rebound or both naive or both desperate

I think you have to leave it and not offer anything else he’s already upset with you so just say your piece and then leave it be he may have to learn the hard way

BlueBelle Fri 22-Mar-24 15:48:22

Karmalady if she’s in Ireland she ll get nothing more in England Dublins a lovely city with lots of immigrants and Europeans working there so not sure what the attraction of England would be for her ?

OldFrill Fri 22-Mar-24 15:59:37

Even if they marry she will still have to apply for a work visa. They will also have to prove it's not a marriage of convenience.

petra Fri 22-Mar-24 16:02:59

I assume your son has looked at all the visa requirements needed to bring his wife to the uk? Does he know that he will have to have a certain income level. Does he know he will have to make a payment for health services, about £1,000 a year. Btw, filling in the online visa application is a nightmare. I’ve seen them several times.
A word of advice when filling in the visa application: make sure that every page is filled in correctly, you can’t go back to amend/ change something.

MeowWow Fri 22-Mar-24 16:06:52

I have met her - she’s very easy to talk to and seems a nice person. I’m not against their relationship - I’m just worried about them marrying so soon after they’ve met and the effect it would have on his relationship with his DC. He casually asked his DC how they’d feel if he found a partner. One GC (14) doesn’t want to know about or see him with another woman. The other GC (12) said nothing, bottles everything up. DS hasn’t told them he’s already met someone because of their reaction to his question. He has a very close relationship with his DC. I think if he told them about his new relationship they’d be devastated.

Grammaretto Fri 22-Mar-24 16:20:20

I wonder why he confided in you and not his children.
He must value your opinion and advice but you didn't give your wholehearted support so he's cross with you.
He probably has reservations or will have once it's out in the open.
Like you I think it's far too soon to marry.
Why marriage? Can't they just build a good relationship. Surely he doesn't want more children.

BlueBelle Fri 22-Mar-24 16:27:27

Well you can help with the grandchildren sounding positive and underlining his love for them is not in dispute (because it sounds as if hes the sort of guy who doesn’t manage without a partner and will want another relationship and it’s not fair for him to be denied that) BUT as you say it’s the timing all too quick just encourage him to take things easy and not rush, if she’s the right one she ll still be there in a years time
If the grandchildren ask, just stay neutral but point out that Dad and mum may well want new relationships but nothing will change for them ( 4/5 short years and they ll probably both be ‘in love’ too) otherwise don’t get involved

Witzend Fri 22-Mar-24 16:30:13


Lots of Irish people live in England , I’m puzzled ? Or is she an immigrant to Ireland ?

She’s Spanish! But living in Dublin at the moment.,

foxie48 Fri 22-Mar-24 16:34:51

I definitely agree that he needs to look into spouse sponsorship arrangements as from April he'll need to be earning at least £29K and it's intended to increase this to £34,500 later in the year and in early 2025 to £38,700. I wonder if this is driving the rush to marry? She'll need to be living in the country as his spouse or partner for a minimum of three years (I think) before she can apply for British citizenship.

Floradora9 Fri 22-Mar-24 21:58:47

I agree with those saying it is not as easy as he seems to think to bring in a spouse who is not British . It can cost a lot of money and he must pass the earning threshold.

Katie59 Sat 23-Mar-24 07:14:45

It’s actually quite difficult to bring a foreign wife into the UK, even from US or Europe, from India or Africa it’s even harder. I’m sure the prospective wife is very keen to marry but the odds on it being a successful marriage are not good.

SingcoTime Wed 27-Mar-24 14:47:19

Wondering is fine, but please let him sort out his own life. It is natural to be concerned for one's offspring no matter the age. However, he is far from a young lad. He's old enough to manage his life. If he no longer wishes to discuss the matter, please respect that.

Louella12 Wed 27-Mar-24 14:58:09

I think you should let him live his life without criticism.

eazybee Wed 27-Mar-24 18:12:46

The son confided in his mother therefore he made it her business, but he didn't want her opinion, he wanted her approval and flounced off when she felt unable to give it.

Personally I think it ver foolish to be considering marriage before the divorce is even finalised, and with two children who have reacted unhappily to their parents' separation.

SingcoTime Thu 28-Mar-24 14:51:47

The son has a right to change his mind about what he wants to discuss with his mother. Adults have such autonomy whether anyone likes it or not, so no it's no longer her business the moment he decides it isn't. That's life.

I married not long after my first husband passed away. If I would have allowed the opinions of extended family to dictate my life choices I wouldn't have two beautiful children that resulted in my (happy) remarriage. No child is ever happy about their parents separation. It is up to the parents to gently navigate the complexities of moving on with life with the needs of their children. Maybe he is making a mistake and maybe he isn't. That's not for anyone but him to decide. As long as he prioritizes as smooth a transition as possible for his children, everyone else will just have to learn to let him live his life.

pascal30 Thu 28-Mar-24 17:19:33

I can certainly see the attraction from his point of view especially after an unhappyand estranged marriage. But you say that they originally couldn't afford to live independently so I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't understand the financial implications of encouraging his new partner to live here. In your position I would just gently suggest that he studies the regulations.. if their relationship is enduring and she is genuine I expect they will find a way to make it work. In his position I would want to meet her family before marrying

Cossy Thu 28-Mar-24 17:50:04

It definitely won’t be straightforward and it’ll be a slog for her as others have mentioned.

However, they’ve “known” each other a year, spent time together and I’m not sure if there is a “time limit” on when it’s “right” to marry or remarry.

Divorces are always tough on the children, but children also have to recognise that their parents do have the right to have their own lives and love again.

Curtaintwitcher Fri 29-Mar-24 06:11:58

It's his life. All you can do is point out the difficulties and hope it works out for them.
It amazes me that people crossing the channel are welcomed and given every benefit, yet those who try to go through the correct channels are treated with suspicion.