warning to those that cut off grandparents from their grandchildren

This is a very sad post and I am so sorry to hear the anguish that you have been going through with your children and grandchild, and also with your health. Life can be very cruel sometimes. I hope that you have friends who can see you through.

What a bittersweet post, Lizzy - sad, but with a somewhat happy ending! I'm so sorry for your illness, but I'm glad you and ds (dear son) are reunited. How unfortunate that it took an illness to bring him around.

I'm sorry about your gc's developmental problems, too, of course. If it's any comfort, could that be why ds and dil chose to keep people at arms' length? Maybe they felt they needed to focus on learning how to care for gs? Maybe not, that's just a thought. And how unfortunate that they didn't reach out for the help they could have had.

Not clear on if you're getting to see gs any more often now. But whenever you see him, hope you enjoy the visit.

So sad lizzy. Surround yourself with those who love you.x.

I would like to think that your timely warning would resonate with some people. However, my disillusionment was complete when three years ago, I was rushed into hospital in such pain that childbirth, by comparison, had been a walk in the park. I was diagnosed with spinal discitis, which rapidly turned to sepsis. My sons were told to expect the worst. Thankfully, due to a great junior doctor, I was treated immediately, and eventually recovered, albeit left with mobility and balance problems. I was in several hospitals over a period of four months and had to have major spinal surgery. During this entire time I never had so much as a text message, or get well card from my daughter-in-law. My granddaughter was just a few months old, and this appeared to be the starting point for my being cut off. Prior to this we had a good relationship....at least I thought so, although because of geography we didn't have a lot of contact. Needless to say, this whole scenario has had a profound effect on my ongoing recovery. I am utterly devastated by the total lack of kindness, and not being allowed a relationship with my granddaughter. My son has attempted to bring her to see me, but it results in such awful behaviour, in front of the child, that I have told him to let it be.

What I would caution though, to anyone who behaves like my daughter-in-law, is be aware of the damage you can cause in your marriage. My son gradually lost all respect and then eventually love for his wife. He is now trapped in his marriage because of his love for his child, and for financial reasons. I never wanted any of this, and have backed away in the hope that things may get better. My son came home for a few days recently, and things are no better. I am so so sad.

Omg Lizzie I am soo very sorry for your sad news ?

I do sincerely hope some bridges can b built in short time left.

Sadly I don't think me Estranged daughter gives a damn either way I face Major surgery end July but she won't be interested,?

What on earth makes anyone limit seeing grandparents to an occasional hour? Why cant people sort this sort of thing out through honest discussion and listening instead of estrangement or all but? I really am not convinced that there must "always be a reasonable explanation" or "it must be the behaviour of the grandparents" ...too many genuinely don't know, for that to be the case!! Lizzyr my heart goes out to you on so many levels!

What an incredibly moving and courageous post lizzy; a powerful lesson for any AC who has cut their parents out of their's and their children's lives if they have the courage to face what they've done before it's too late.

I hope that what time you get to spend with your son and GC will be a blessing and and some comfort to you.

I am so sorry Lizzie

Lizzy Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and may God Bless you and keep you safe
A similar story on another forum for estranged Grandmothers, the founder died of brain cancer, never to be reunited with her beloved only daughter & grandson. I'm convinced the cancer was caused by her years of grieving!

So very sorry to hear of your news Lizzy.
Unfortunately our EC don't want to listen or don't believe anything will happen to us.

*Smileles *Is this the correct thread as there is another similar one?

Rhinestone. We have couple now, but one was deleted usual trolls, I asked for posts be re loved and they did the lot maybe as well!

I think in these situations we need to remember we are only hearing one side .I'm sorry for Lizzy's sad news but in some cases there are Grandparents who are toxic and dont deserve to see GC .

I am sorry about your diagnosis Lizzie, but hopefully you will have a lot longer than you were told. Stress affects your health, I am certain of that. I hope the family situation is better for you.
Paddyann how would you define a toxic grandparent? I had a friend who used to let herself into her sons house and put a nice meal in the oven for when he and his wife got home, needless to say dil took a very dim view of this, in the end she ceased all contact with her mil, the relationship never recovered. My friend was wrong in what she did and was a very strong personality, the plus side was that she was extremely loving and generous. I just wish that when it all started it had got sorted out, she wasn't a bad person and they were both as strong as each other and neither would give an inch. It was such a pity, they had started out best of friends.

I personally know one who encourages the child to answer back and tells her horrible thngs about her mum...if it were me I'd keep my daughter well back from her,but the DIL says shes her dads mum and I'd rather keep her onside.Sometimes after granny visits the child is uncontrollable tells her mother she 's a bad person and granny says not to listen to her.IF it was only that one granndchild I'd think maybe it was exaggerated but she has done the same with other now grown up grandchildren too...bought them mobile phones when their mum said they were too young and encouraged them to hide them from their parents.Now she only sees this GD a few times a year...but its entirely her own fault.Thing is everyone who knows her thinks shes a lovely lady who dotes on her GC!

Omg paddyann that does sound awful if I were the mum I would be tempted cut her off even though I sadly know how devastating that is.

Lucklylegs how kind of that lady to do meal but guess it was over the top shame as she. No doubt meant well,

If only my diaghter could have told me guidelines and not just cut me off with no warning I would have been upset but if I knew what I did that was so wrong at least I could have tried put it right?

Ie that lady could have been told they didn't want her doing their meal every night in a polite way.

paddyann, Cut off worthy in my opinion, no looking back because GM is toxic in the situation.

I'm so sorry Lizzy to hear your news and story. I hope your reconcilliation brings you peace within yourself, as you deserve this so much. Be kind to yourself. Xxx

I have and am managing off the kindess of strangers, hugs from nurses, doctors, other patients, some who have become friends, the loveely lady who now devotes her time to caring for my pets, my wonderful friend Ann from GN, and the support and gorgeous messages from you all. Thank you.

I no longer depend nor expect any family member to be by my side through all this. That includes my son.

"If you can't deal with me at my worst, then you damn well don't deserve me at my best". Marilyn Monroe.

Lizzy, somehow I missed the "less than one year to live" comment. How painful!

Obviously, the doctors were wrong though and I hope they are more wrong than that and you live much longer.

Paddyann, that gm sounds horrible! She's lucky she gets to see her gc at all!

Luckylegs, that's a sad story.I'm sure the young couple (and their kids, if any) are missing out on a very warm,
loving person. But you say that neither she nor dil would "give an inch." There's the problem, imo. Why should dil have to give anything if it's happening in her & ds' home? If she told mil, "Don't come into my home and cook meals when I don't expect it!" mil needed to respect dil's wishes. Too bad she didn't.

I wouldn't co her for this though. I would just take away her key and make sure she was never alone in our kitchen again. But I don't see it as co-worthy.

I think in my friends case, she was over the top and I did mention it, was told, I'm his mother I know what he likes, I'm just helping. It needed her son to say, look mom it's upsetting ....please don't let yourself in without asking first,it is just how she wants it. Might have caused a ripple at the time but boundaries would have been set. If she hadn't taken notice a final solution would be lock change I suppose and explain why as it was her house, her rules. Each had more to gain by working it out than to be cut off, she didn't deserve that. As for the grandmother that purposely tells her gc nasty things, I as dil would confront her head on, if you do this again, she/he will not be visiting alone. If you buy them phones against our wishes they will be returned to you and gc will just get upset and we don't want that do we?. No contact is the easy option for some, but I think most things can, with a true wish to get on, be sorted. However, not abuse of any kind, that's different.

Rubylady, I haven't heard that Marilyn Monroe quote before, spot on. Wish your son was there for you. ???

Celebregran, my friend died 2 1/2 years ago, I still miss her sense of fun and dropping in on me, she was over the top in everything, but so kind and loving, she expected everyone to be like her. She never reached 70, missed the gc she could never see, but she sent them lovely things.

Oh lucklegs that's so sad?

We off today to airport was ?Leaving Rosie but here's hoping we can relax for week or so,

Best wishes to everyone,

Luckylegs, so sorry about the loss of your friend. And, of course, about her estrangement from her ds and gc. I know you must have felt for her the way I do for my friends who are estranged. How kind of her to still send lovely gifts!

I think you're right - her ds should have set boundaries with her. Maybe she would have taken it from him where she wouldn't from dil. And yes, if she still didn't listen, they could have simply changed the locks. No need for a total co.

But the woman paddyann knows isn't fully co - just on lc (lowered contact), ok maybe very lc. I'm sure she's not happy about that either, of course. I agree that nc or lc are easy options if there was nothing said about the problem. But maybe there was and this woman just didn't listen. She doesn't exactly sound like a reasonable person. Of course, we don't know if they tried to talk to her about this. Paddyann, do you?

When my children were young my fil and mil (in particular)" openly favoured our son , fussed over him, took an interest in everything he did, bought extravagant presents for him ...my daughter, two years younger, was effectively ignored, minimal interest shown, not listening when she wanted to tell them her news, presents costing pence instead of pounds and pounds for my son! Plus ignoring certain expectations that we had for our children, and encouraging our son to ignore us or answer back when we addressed certain behaviours! It took two visits like that ( they stayed with us) for me to say that we needed to talk ...it was really hard but we pointed out what was happening, why we were concerned, what our expectations were and what we would have to say to our children about their grandparents if it didn't stop. As ever there was a fairly "passive aggressive" response from my mil but we stuck to our guns and things improved. Over the years, a gentle reminder kept things generally on track! I do wonder if some would have gone for CO in these circumstances rather than addressing the issues openly and assertively (it was hard, as I said). If nothing else it made me very aware of what not to do as a grandparent ...not that that has necessarily stopped my fears of CO ...different issues!!