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Friends or no friends...?

(48 Posts)
helena Mon 10-Jul-17 17:09:55

Hello fellow gransnetters😊. I just wondered what other people's opinions are of friendships. Is it better to have a friendship with others that constantly boast, bring you down, compare, and are generally very opinionated, than to have no friends at all? I have this dilemma, and am debating putting an end to it. I'm quite shy and have hearing difficulties, so making new friends is difficult for me, but I do wonder if I'd be better ending this friendship rather than getting upset and annoyed every time we meet up. My hubby is retired now, and we do most things together, but I don't think it's good for us to be constantly in each other's company.. What are your thoughts?

Nanabilly Mon 10-Jul-17 17:32:41

Get rid of the negativity . I did and am so much happier camper and relaxed. If you always come back from seeing these so called friends feet had then I would not class it as a friendship at all.

norose4 Mon 10-Jul-17 17:41:22

Hi Helena, you mentioned two issues really, I definitely agree it's not always a good idea to do everything together, now that your hubby has retired. Nor do you need to be putting up with a overpowering 'friend' it's such a waste of your time energy . perhaps belonging to a club of some sort like a group of gardeners or other hobbie you enjoy , where you can enjoy the company & involvement without it being to invasive , good luck & only do what suit s youπŸ’

helena Mon 10-Jul-17 19:14:53

Thank you nanabilly, you are saying what I have been thinking. Thanks for the input.. 😊

helena Mon 10-Jul-17 19:19:20

Thank you norose4. I've actually been thinking about doing some voluntary work and maybe joining the WI.. Its just a matter of being brave enough to make those first moves!

Darnsarf Mon 10-Jul-17 19:33:37

"Friends" who take more out of the relationship than they bring to it are not really friends at all. If you're left feeling depressed and angry or upset after seeing them - get rid. They're doing you more harm than good. The WI is a good place to start to make new friends, or try U3A in your local area. Loads of different topics to try and all members are retired or semi retired. Good luck OP.

norose4 Mon 10-Jul-17 19:34:11

Brilliant & good luck I bet you will love it πŸ’πŸ’πŸ·

norose4 Mon 10-Jul-17 19:39:45

Ps. An old saying I like which helped me when I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning Is this :- The Journey of a thousand miles starts with but just one step .

helena Mon 10-Jul-17 20:19:10

I feel I've just made some new, good friends. Thank you so much 😊

norose4 Mon 10-Jul-17 20:27:57

πŸ‘

rosesarered Mon 10-Jul-17 21:42:54

helena I think we all put up ( to a certain extent) with at least one friend, who brings negative vibes along with her.You know, the boaster, the moaner, or the one that never pays for anything grin so...is the friend worth putting up with these characteristics? I have one friend who is actually worth it, because although very negative, it's not really her fault, and she is kind in other ways.
Having said that, I did know somebody for years who wasn't worth it, and I gradually stopped meeting her.Sometimes you think, life is too short.
So, get out there and meet people, W.I. And other groups too, book group, history etc.Look on the meet up pages of GN , there may be others who live near you.

helena Tue 11-Jul-17 21:54:03

πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ™‚

frue Wed 12-Jul-17 10:01:18

Do you know the 3 part challenge?
When you...... (describe behaviour)
It makes me feel...... (whatever it is)
I'd prefer it if you/we ......(what would you prefer)

Easier said than done but might be worth a try

sunseeker Wed 12-Jul-17 10:08:53

I had a friend like that - always took advantage and expecting me to drop everything when she needed help, often "forgot" her purse or credit card when we went out, always complained about how poor she was yet inherited a house and money from her parents, had 3 pensions and went on several holidays a year. I finally had enough and have not been in touch with her since Christmas and feel so much better for it.

maddyone Wed 12-Jul-17 10:21:05

O had a friend who regularly made derisory comments about me whenever I saw her. She started to do this after her divorce, previously she hadn't done it. I stick with the friendship for several years because I felt she was basically unhappy after her divorce and that she would improve eventually. She didn't! I dropped her eventually, felt rather mean, but just felt I didn't need her negativity in my life. I don't regret it. My advice would be to drop her.

maddyone Wed 12-Jul-17 10:21:36

I had a friend.....

Lewlew Wed 12-Jul-17 10:24:40

Helena, volunteering sounds perfect. You will be appreciated and the work rewarding. If you make friends along the way, that's a bonus.

No friendship or relationship (parent/child/partner) gives the other a right to abuse you and treat you as a doormat. Only you can change that by walking away should the other party not be interested in giving you the respect you deserve.

flowers

Kim19 Wed 12-Jul-17 10:29:28

My 'friends' are absolute treasures. My 'acquaintances' I can take or leave (and they me, of course!) We must not diminish the former word. It is not a casual relationship and requires regular attention to attain maximum joy. I love it and am so grateful for it.

grandMattie Wed 12-Jul-17 10:30:35

How wise lewlew.
helena drop her NOW. It is too easy to feel loyal for whatever reason. Remember the old maxim "you have friends for a reason, for a season and for life" - the problem is realising which is which! grin
My experience is that the WI is a very nice organisation - but, you will have the same sort of person there too. Make sure one of them doesn't attach herself and become toxic. On the other hand, going to Denman [WI] college in Oxon for various courses is terrific. I have been there five times now, always on my own and come back delighted, and with new skills.
Be brave. Good luck. flowers

Nanny123 Wed 12-Jul-17 10:56:44

These "so called friends" that boast, bring you down and compare are not real friends in my opinion. Its more important to have quality friends rather than quantity. Friend a good friend that will support, be there and accept you for who you are - friends like that are worth their weight in gold. Whilst you spend a lot of time with your husband its still nice to have that company of a good female friend.

Lilyflower Wed 12-Jul-17 11:00:48

Helena, I am quite quiet and reserved and do not make friends easily. Those I have are my children's friends' parents or my husband's schoolfriends and their families. I live a solitary life with my husband out at work for much of the day and I read and listen to the radio for company.

My daughter, on the other hand, is gregarious and has a multitude of friends.

She is being put through the wringer at the moment by the jealousy, stonewalling, capriciousness and sheer bullying on/off behaviour of her best friend. The others have their moments too. She has another friend who has ordered her not to have her wedding next year as this is the year in which she is getting married!

Of the two of us, I would say that, on the whole I am happier and calmer for having a little distance between the world and myself. I do not have the highs of friendship but, then, neither am I bullied or made miserable.

I do not think this other woman is your true friend. If she were she would consider your feelings and happiness. I would advise you to do what I advise my daughter:- there is no need to be rude or 'final' but back off and put a little distance between the two of you.

GrannyJan9 Wed 12-Jul-17 11:03:41

Hi... best to quietly remove yourself from her.... making new friends is not so difficult; I moved 65 miles to another county to be with my OH even though I was working I was a bit lonely at first, then my "bestie" died which compounded it. I am retired now so spend a lot of time (fabulously) with OH, but I have made some lovely new friends through my swimming each week and through my lovely neighbours and via Twitter. Who would have expected that? Meeting up for girly days out. So suggest you might join some local clubs for whatever you enjoy doing or maybe volunteer.. . How about at any National Trust sites you have nearby?

Mirandaf55 Wed 12-Jul-17 11:05:15

I have an old friend who is terrible about getting in touch but we always pick up immediately when we meet yup. I've tried leaving her to do the phoning, but then decided I'd rather keep the friendship than fret about which one of us phones first!
In terms of getting to know people, join a walking group! I belong top two; one is more social than serious walking, the other is the opposite, but with both groups we always have coffee together at the end and it's a real pleasure to bookend my week in this way.

glammanana Wed 12-Jul-17 11:07:14

helena This lady is no friend if she has you anxious and upset before you even meet up with her I would wash her out of my life for good and go to enquire down the volunteering route,I have lots of pals that I have met up with within my work in the Charity Shop business and even though now fully retired I still meet up with 4 ladies (at different times)for coffee & cake and a chat.Some of the nanna's & grandpa's at my DGSs school work with the children 1/2 day a week in their garden growing plants for the school plant sale they have all become good friends so there is plenty of offers out there.

maddyone Wed 12-Jul-17 11:11:25

kim19 you are absolutely right, I have several friends who make my life so much better just for knowing them, we support each other, laugh together and cry together. Life would be poorer without them, unlike in my previous post, where I mentioned a friend I had to drop, which made my life better, and who knows, maybe without me she e mouse her life more too. But Kim is right, true friends are a wonderful positive in life.

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