I wrote some time back about my friend who comes here twice daily to eat. We also dance, walk and do lots of charity connected and other things together.
My friend has gradually become closer and closer to me and is relying more and more on me and my instructions/diary. I enjoy his company most of the time and love all the things we do together but this is where the resentment comes in.
My friend takes it more or less for granted that after or between each activity we do together he comes back here with me. He is happy to just sit here and read or play on his I-Pad whereas I have jobs to do including lots of paperwork and would prefer my own space to do so. It puts pressure on me when I know he sits there timing me at times. If I ask him to go home he gets very upset and feels rejected. He has a huge rejection problem, probably resulting from having been evacuated during the war and taken away from his mum as a 7 year old on two occasions. He was not treated well and lived in a shed all the time he was with one family. He is definitely traumatised from then and does not like to be in his house alone.
He would love to move in with me, he would be more than happy to marry me, but I do not love him as he does me. I do care for him but lots of his ways irritate me. He says I have high standards and that he tries hard to please me but gets hurt when I say anything. It is however after all my house so my standards count here.
He says I criticize him a lot, I admit freely I tell him when he drops things and leaves them there, when he does not wipe the sink or the worktop off, does not wash his hand having used the toilet, does not use a serviette but his sleeve and so on. I am now very, very careful how I speak to him and it is like treating on egg shell in my own home.
I don't often go to his house as it smells, he has a hygiene problem himself which I have been trying to tackle for months. He says he will do what I ask and that he takes on-board what I say but then he does not do it. He does for example not like to use a deodorant so I suffer. He only showers weekly. I could go on.
I had a Lumbar Spine Segmental Decompression and had an operation on my back to correct it last Monday afternoon. They asked that I had someone to stay with me for the first two nights so he offered. I agreed as I did not want to ask a girlfriend and have no family apart from my son, who is committed else where. He got very offended when I asked him to leave when I wanted to go to bed on the 3rd night but I assured him I would prefer to be by myself and would be fine. He later said I could not wait to get rid of him.
He is perhaps right. I like and need my own space and he is controlling and overpowering all the time. He treat me as his little princes and wants to constantly touch me. He will not let me do anything, I know I have to rest but the consultant said I could do everything as normal apart from bending from the waist right to the floor, lifting heavy stuff and twisting. I am being very, very careful as I do want to get better ASAP. I am in severe pain and feel worried about the success of the operation.I have spoken with the duty doctor who advised me to see how I am on Monday and they will have a look at it if I am no better. He is panicking about me all the time saying that is love and I should feel the same about him. When we are not together, he needs to know constantly where I am and what I am doing through messages in case something happens to me. My friend says he has a mother syndrome and sees me as his. He is definitely behaving like a 3 years old at times.
He has offered to do a couple of my commitments during the 6 weeks I am fully recovering as I cannot do them myself. One of them were today and he was covering it with the help of my good friend. She rang late last night to say it was cancelled due to the weather today. His answer was that he already knew as he had received an email to tell him so early afternoon. I asked him why he had not told my friend or me earlier. He just said why should I.
I said for the same reason as she phoned you/us. He could not see it at all. A discussion started on manners and he again said I was criticizing him. I said I was merely trying to explain what was expected of any one. It went on for a while and he got very aggressive saying I treated him badly and that it had gradually got worse and worse lately,that I was never satisfied and so on.
I decided there and then enough is enough. I cannot give him what he really wants and I am making him unhappy by the sound of it. He is definitely making me on edge in my own home and puts tremendous pressure on me to see him as much as I possibly can putting friends and other duties aside. I asked him to leave and said I wanted our relationship to finish completely. He went wild but left. He returned 10 minutes later with a suitcase and some old clothes he has stored for me as he has empty cupboard space I do not. He started another rant. I sadly asked him to go for good and I have not been in contact since. He keeps sending me quotes from the dictionary explaining the meaning of the word criticism. I am naturally ignoring him.
I now feel very sad that what was initially a very good friendship should end like this. I shall miss a lot of the things we do together, but will obviously carry on doing quite a few of the things alone. We will see what happens. I am hoping we can be civilised and keep doing our charity duties together. I am on most committees he is not, but he is still a valued member, I doubt he will attend.
I have a feeling he will want to come back to where we left, he was very, very low and sad before he started coming here. However, I will not go back to how we have been ever again. There would have to be severe conditions and he would resent me even more I believe. Am I being harsh and selfish? He often says I am, my friends say to my face and often in writing that I am selfless and give a lot more to others than I take. What do you think from the above? Can any of you advise me what to do with this complicated man?
How much do you spend on yourself?