My flipping mother

You may never know what made your mum as she was and if you did you would only hear one side of the story now There was probably a reason which may or may not have been her fault it's a shame that so many secrets to our characters will die with us and never be explained

We may see a cantankerous old lady or man who annoys everyone but not know about some past relationship that chipped away at their self confidence I remember wondering how on earth this lady I knew could dislike her brother so much when he was charming kind and funny but I had no knowledge of the abuse she had suffered as a child
Please don't take that as anything about your family it's just an example
No one will know the opportunities I ve missed through shyness as no one believes me to be shy so I must be an A* actor There are so many aspects to our character that are never known
I had seven cousins that lived in my town but as a child I never knew one of them I had a good childhood and was loved but as an only child I was lonely I hear people talking about their childhood where they would go off for hours exploring with their cousins and I feel so sad and a bit resentful... but I guess there was a reason I was kept from them My dad and his brother weren't close I ve no real idea why but my dad was a fair and kind man so the reason must have been right for him but I sometimes cry at those lost opportunities and I might have been a more confident assertive person if I d have had that freedom .... so then my kids when I m gone may wonder why on earth didn't mum do such and such and never realise
We are all the product of our parents fears, worries, mistakes and our children will be of ours

I'm sorry this is bothering you now, kitty, you have shared a lot about your struggles with your Mum and I wonder if this isn't simply a step towards moving away from the pain of your relationship with her and putting the past to rest. We can't go back, can we? None of us know how life would have been if something had been different, but it's natural that we wish there had been more good things. It's natural you would be cross with your Mum for separating you from your Aunt who was perhaps all your Mum wasn't. I'm sorry kitty, I'm not explaining myself very well. Can you move from being cross to thinking about the future? Can there be a warm and loving relationship with your family now? There are good early memories, today and tomorrow will hold some more. Sending ((((hugs.)))) and hope.

So glad you are back in contact and hope you can look forward to more and to many years of their friendship. Just enjoy!

Sorry to hear you are feeling angry Kitty but maybe this is part of the grieving process until you find Acceptance and move forward again with your life.

I have two older sisters who live close by but with whom I have no contact. Our lives are very different and apart from being related we have nothing in common. They have never worked or had children - their choice - I work full time, Have DS and DD and 2 gcs. I tried many times to befriend them to no avail. They even told our parents of my phone calls for whom I tried to heal any rift but no luck. I felt angry that my parents didn't try too but they have now passed away and I have to accept the situation. I told my children very little of my heartache now my daughter has invited them to her wedding.

Sorry this turned out to be about me not you but hope you can accept that you may never know all the thoughts and feelings involved. But hopefully can forge a way toward for yourself and do what makes you happy

I once told my DD what a good Mum I thought she was and she replied that to be a good Mum you had to have had one. I took that as a complement (rare from her I might add!) and it helped me to concentrate on the good parts of mothering I had received from my Mum. Like all mother/daughter relatioships we had a somewhat chequered history but I have never doubted that she loved me and I now appreciate and concentrate on the things she did for me and the values she gave me. I think she was the best mother she could manage to be.

You sound to be a brilliant Mum kitty so maybe your Mum did manage to show you some aspects of how to be that? Would it help to try and think of what you did learn from her rather than all the things she wasn't?

She did do something right in producing you!

That's a lovely insightful post, gaga. Thank you.

Good post Gaga

Kitty
Gaga is right. No human is perfect but there is something good in every one of us.
We all have events in our lives which shape our relationships to others and we are also affected by things that have affected our parents and it becomes very complex if we attempt to analyse too much. We don't only grieve for 'what was', and 'is now lost', but also for all the 'might have beens'. When your grieving is done and acceptance clicks in you will be able to move forward and make the most of every opportunity and contact to really wring the best out of your life as it is now. Been there and done it sadly but things are much better now.
Sending you ((hugs)) Kitty

I really do agree with Bluebelle . I sometimes think my DD sees me ad a 'difficult woman'. We tried to give our DD a good childhood and I think we succeeeded. She has turned out well balanced, seems happy and has produced a wonderful, kind, clever daughter of her own. My own childhood was horrendous. It made me a nervous wreck and some not very nice things that have happened to me as an adult have added to this problem. My DD knows I have had difficult times but I would never burden her with some of the awful things that happened in my childhood. I think sometimes she wonders why an not 'bright and breezy' or that I tend to 'live in the past' but it's not easy for me. Because we had different upbringings, we have a different outlook on life. My siblings and I had cousins we never knew existed until our father died, we too could have got to know them before. I'm glad you have found your 'new' relatives kitty

why I'm not 'bright and breezy'

My mother broke all contact with two of her sisters when my grandmother died, it was 10 years before I saw them again and only because one was terminally ill. Families can mess with your head, not fair on children.

Oh kitty this strikes such a chord with me!

My mother died earlier this year, after spending many years not speaking to me. I have no idea why, I think I was a good daughter, always at her beck and call, especially after my step father died.

We used to be so close, I have no idea why she suddenly deemed me persona non grata, and the letter she left me gave no indication.

Since her death, my son (who has inherited almost all of her considerable estate) has not been to see me, despite my leaving him messages asking him to get in touch. He is a cold fish, the complete opposite to my late DS2.

Thank you for your kind words. Writing it down and posting it made me feel better and your words have helped.

I'm sorry about your son phoenix. KatyK

Bluebelle, I had a funny childhood due to my mum but I try hard not to do things that will hurt my children - something she never took into account. I'm lucky in that DH is a loving, kind and involved parent too. My dad, whilst loving and kind, was very detached and never tried to temper Mum's dramas.

Corner, I do look forward - I'm generally a glass half full person - but that's over 50 years of getting to know my cousin - there is no getting that back. And, my children have little to do with my brother's daughter because of Mum. That is more her loss than theirs as mine have enough siblings without needing an extra cousin and they get on well with their cousins on DH's side!

You are very kind about me gaga and I hope I have been a good enough Mum. My mum once told me that she knew she had been a good mother as I was so good at it. I actually refute that argument because I use my Mum as role model of what not to do!

While I've been typing this, it has occurred to me that maybe that's why we have a large family - so we could be fairly self-contained. Blimey, that's deep!!

I think so many family problems arise from different interpretations put on quite trivial events by different members of a family, which is why they are often so insoluble and why, so often you do not know what caused the problem

I am one of three girls. For most of my adult life I had a distance and somewhat uneasy relationship with my youngest sister. I had absolutely no idea why. We did get closer after the sister between us died in a road accident but it was only after our DF died that one evening, over a bottle of wine, the story got told.

My mother was a worrier and when she was with one daughter she would talk about all the worries she had about the other two. I knew what she was like and took these conversations in my stride. My youngest sister, who is very different to me, to them to mean that our mother had no interest in her and that as she didn't feature in these conversations it must be because her older girls were her favourites. For reason's I haven't explored my sister took out her resentment at this supposed favouritism on me, as the eldest.

When I told her that our mother worried endlessly to me about her. She was gobsmacked, that had never occurred to her. I described some of the topics that had been talked through with me and she recognised them and the truth of what I was saying.

Since then the distance between us has vanished and we as close as we have wanted to be. Yet all those years of distance were caused by two different interpretations of just one trait in our mother's personality.

Some good posts on here, which mirror some of my feelings about my mother.
Looking back now (she died in 2002) I realise what a strong and capable person she was, and broadminded, loving and setting a good example
I was lucky(?) enough to live near her in her last 12 years and we got on eachother's nerves a lot. But now I realise it was a blessing for both of us.
You don't know what you've got until it's gone

Don't feel cross - what's the point of that. For whatever caused it ,it was a long time ago and you can't change the past. If I told you I was cross with my departed parents because they made me into an only child that would be weird wouldn't it ?

Why waste time being cross, she may have had depression or some issue that you will never know about, just be glad that things seem different for you.

I know that my depressive illness has seen me make some appalling family decisions..........but also, when some family members who I was extremely close to, made remarks about my disabled grand daughter, I cut them put of my life. I miss them but could never forgive what they said about the costs of disabled children being a burden to the tax payers.

The past as they say 'is a foreign country they do things differently there', move on and don't think badly of your mum she had her reasons.

Kitty - I can empathise with you and I'm not surprised you feel angry.

My late mother was controlling, vindictive and constantly suggested there was something wrong with me. It's not surprising that I was very shy and worried about myself and didn't like socialising and then she would say "Why haven't you got many friends? It's must be ebcause people don't like you."

I realise now that all along there was something wrong with her and she knew it, but was "projecting" her thoughts on to me to make herself feel better. She should never have had children.

I am still angry about her effect on me - that is only natural - but I try not to speculate about what might have been as it makes me feel worse.

I take comfort in knowing that I am not like her, that I have been a better mother than her and that she was a totally inadequate person who couldn't help herself.

Concentrate on making the most of your life as it is now and avoiding people who are anything like she was because such people are not unique.

I sometimes have negative thoughts about my mother, who could be difficult, and took offence very easily. I try, however, to remember that she didn't have my opportunities. She left school at 14, married at 19 and brought up 5 children on very little money, lived through 2 world wars and the Depression. Her own father died when she was 4 and, though nothing was ever really said, I think she may have been ill-used or abused by her stepfather. She never had the chance to develop any skills, though she played the piano and sang well, and was not unintelligent. So I try not to judge.

My mum was brilliant, we were very close and got on incredibly well.
However, after my DF died when I was 31, I discovered, quite by accident that there was something which had been kept from me for my entire life!
I challenged her about it, and she said "It's nothing to do with you, so I decided that we wouldn't tell you, Your dad wanted to talk to you about it before you got married, but I forbade him to."
It's nothing drastic, not at all important in the great scheme of things, and I'm not at all bothered about the 'fact' itself.
I am, however, very, very angry that DM decided that I wasn't to be trusted with the information, even though it impacted directly on my life!
I still loved my DM, but after that I didn't like her quite as much as before!

I can understand that. My mum fell out with a sil some years ago, and my uncle wouldn't have anything to donwith her for years. Things did improve later when I was in my teens and I got to meet up with my cousin who was a great guy we hung about a lot and I had many a happy time at there place. Sadly he died in his late 50s.
I have also just lost another Aunt whom my mum used to argue with a lot but they ended up ok in the end.
My mum was from a big family of 8 children and the oldest girl, she had to do a lot of things in those days for my nan, I wonder if at times it was jealousy

Don't entirely blame your mother..it could well be something her brother had done to upset her. Forget it and move on with your new found relationship with your extended family.

kitty you and I have talked before about the destructive powers of some mothers so you know I sympathise. My mother has been dead for 16 years now (heavens is it that long)and I have a raged up conversation with her on most days saying all the things I wish I had said when she was here. I resent bitterly the fact that I only have unhappy childhood memories and the years of depression and failed relationships due to her mothering. Not sure what to say except if you fancy another coffee, cake and golf old chin wag I'm here.

Teetime, I do feel for you. I'm a newbie but this thread resonated so much I just had to add my piece!
My mother kept the fact that I was a donor conceived baby a secret all my life. My aunt(her sister) decided she didn't want to be burdened with this any more so told me when I was 50.....at a family party. Timing is all, is it not!?
My mother was in a home by this stage and when I challenged her she refused to answer my questions and then died the next day so I never got to find out anything. She spent my whole life telling me I was such a disappointment. I've been struggling for years with her treatment of me, but with help am getting to accept, finally, at 62 that it's o.k.to be me and that I'm not what she said for all those years.
I have made sure that I never made my DD or DS feel anything but loved and cherished and now the message is being reinforced with twin GD and GS.
Always happy to share a rant and send a hug even if I'm very new!!