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After divorce.

(48 Posts)
annsixty Fri 25-Aug-17 09:53:54

My D is separated but not divorced from her husband.
He lives abroad now with his partner of two years. When he visits he spends a lot of time at the house with his children who are now teens. My D runs him about and picks him up and takes him back to the airport. It all seems civilised.
Yesterday I had coffee with my friend at a garden centre and we met up, by chance, with her ex of about 16 years and his wife, having tea. My friend is also remarried.
It was kisses all round and lots of chat between us all but how easy is this all, I do not ask, either of my D or my friend , it is too personal and too intrusive to me.
Does anyone here do the same?
Is it as unemotional as it seems or do resentments simmer and feelings still linger?
I am very close to my D, she is not young, but some things are not discussed between us. We have our personal boundaries.

Ilovecheese Fri 25-Aug-17 10:05:21

We are civil, but not really affectionate. It is all such a long time ago, I no longer have much in common with my previous husband, apart from our children. No resentment on my part, but don't know about his. But then I am glad we are not married any more. It would certainly not be kisses all round.

Swanny Fri 25-Aug-17 10:30:11

My DS's dad left many years ago now but occasionally we meet at birthday parties and funerals. No animosity, just usually a kiss on the cheek as you would with an old friend. We ask after each other and exchange C*****mas cards - his are always written by his current partner (he's had a few in between!). We still have feelings for each other - not the love and passion of our youth, but concern and care about someone we've known a long time.

Swanny Fri 25-Aug-17 10:30:58

PS ann hope your D's operation went well x

Craftycat Fri 25-Aug-17 11:17:24

My ex & I get on OK but I would not say we were friends. I left him so it is easier for me but we meet at events where our 6 grandchildren are concerned & he picks them up from me when they stay here to take them out. We are friendly & talk together happily- I am re-married - he is not- so it was more ackward him being civil to my 2nd husband but it works OK- they will never be 'mates'.
My DS & his wife are separated & get on very well indeed- far better than when they were married. He does any work required to her house ( his mortgage) & they manage the children between them with no fuss at all. I admire the way they have handled it. It may be different when one of them finds a new partner but it has been 4 years now & is going very well. They take the children out together too.
It takes hard work & understanding on all sides but it can be done. My parents never managed it & never spoke after the split except to argue at my wedding so I was determined to be civilised.

annsixty Fri 25-Aug-17 11:21:50

Thank you all for your input.
I would like to think my D and her ex will carry on this way , him living 3000 miles away helps!!

Musicelf Fri 25-Aug-17 11:32:55

I don't see my ex from one year to another, but if we do meet up it's very civilised. I remember the past with affection as well as great hurt and anger - luckily the negatives have dissipated and I am not someone who holds grudges.

My present husband, however, would very much like to smash his face in!

Nelliemaggs Fri 25-Aug-17 12:01:45

It must be easier to let bygones be bygones if one has been able to move on with a better relationship.
I'm afraid I have to grit my teeth but am civil to his face and dutifully keep him up to speed with family milestones. But I absolutely do not want to have anything to do with the partner he left me for that doesn't allow me to slip something nasty into her tea and get away with it. 😬

gulligranny Fri 25-Aug-17 12:07:46

I haven't seen my ex since he left me in 1982! If I never see him again it'll be too soon.

However, when I met husband no. 2 his first wife was still alive, although they had been estranged for about 15 years. First grandchild came along and they decided it was time to bury the hatchet, so DH and I met up with her and the guy she left DH for (keep up ...) and lo & behold, we all got on like a house on fire. Sadly she knew she had a terminal illness and so she very generously told her children that she nominated me as her substitute for grandmothering - so I have four lovely youngsters who call me Grandma, and we talk very often about Granny C, and how she'd have loved them.

tanith Fri 25-Aug-17 12:09:30

When my ex was alive I also had to grit my teeth when met at family gatherings we had no contact otherwise which I was glad of. I couldn't get over 'stuff' I wished it wasn't so. Now he is gone I try to just remember the good stuff.
It must be nicer to just move on.

Smithy Fri 25-Aug-17 12:25:34

Gulligranny - feel the same way about my ex😀

paddyann Fri 25-Aug-17 15:05:10

my daughter gets on very well with her ex and his new wife,in fact when he had a cancer scare it was my daughter he talked to about it rather than worry his new wife,he says she's his best friend and that they married too young ....and he may well be right.I'm very glad they all get on so well and my husband is still a surrogate dad to him too ,always there when he has problems he wants to talk through and not be judged on .Much better to be like this than carry grdges.That only causes bitterness and pain

Christinefrance Fri 25-Aug-17 15:09:30

I have been divorced for many years now and remarried for 12 years. My ex often picks me up at the airport when I visit UK and will drive me and my daughters round if required. We are amicable and its only for a short time, at the end of the visit I realise there will never ever be any going back.

Bagatelle Fri 25-Aug-17 15:57:00

It all seems civilised.

They've managed to split without screwing up the kids. Well done them.

Oriel Fri 25-Aug-17 15:57:59

I got on extremely well with my ex-husband. We were married for 25 years. He didn't remarry and my present husband and I would have him to dinner and at Christmas. Sadly he recently passed away and it has hit me badly, I miss him.

annsixty Fri 25-Aug-17 16:14:54

My D was married for 23 years before the split.
Perhaps maturity helps somewhat although she was very upset on the effect it had on her C , perhaps that is why they tried so hard in the first place and it has just got easier as time has passed.
She is another one who would not now change things , she may have done so in the first year but no longer.
She replaced him with 3 cats and a dog.

Coconut Fri 25-Aug-17 16:35:50

I tolerate my ex for the kids sake, it's civilised when we meet. Not always easy as he has never been there for our 3 kids, and he admits he has been a " crap" father ( his words). It did erupt a bit when my daughter got married in NYC and he was not invited. He has upset her most of her life with his absence, then was insensitive enough to upset her again as she didn't want him by her side, when he has never earned that right. He was invited to the reception when we got home, and was suitably sheepish and stayed in the background. He doesn't even learn by his mistakes as he is now an absent grandfather too !

NannyKasey Fri 25-Aug-17 16:51:17

I split with my ex 12 years ago (he cheated on me), he's now married to a really nice woman (not the one who he left me for) and on the odd occasions that I see him, I can see his mildly controlling behaviour towards his new wife that I failed to see when I was married to him. Frankly I'm glad that I don't have to deal with his issues on a daily basis.

TriciaF Fri 25-Aug-17 17:24:22

I think it depends on many things, especially the reason for the divorce.
No way could I have behaved in a friendly fashion with my ex, especially in the early days. Unfortunately we worked in the same place so we met daily and had to be civil..
Then he married a woman who is very protective of him - just as well as I wouldn't want to be looking after him now (he's got serious physical and mental problems.)
I do think, though, that it might be better for their children (if any) if there are still friendly get-togethers.
Our children still visit my ex, though his wife is unpredictable with them too.

Ginny42 Fri 25-Aug-17 17:24:29

I am currently helping to nurse/generally care for my first ex from whom I've been divorced for 30 years. His second wife and DD have nothing/very little respectively to do with him and our DD lives abroad.

I haven't loved him for years, and I do find it very hard having to think about him and his welfare, e.g. buy toiletries/wash his clothes, even fed him when he couldn't feed himself, but I cannot walk away and see him with no one to care for him.

TriciaF Fri 25-Aug-17 17:29:18

ps I should also add - if the divorced wife remarries, should the new husband's feelings should be taken into account.
I remarried nearly 40 years ago and my husband can't stand my ex.

annsixty Fri 25-Aug-17 17:38:57

That is very kind of you Ginny you must still have some residual warm feeling toward your ex.
As my mother used to say, you will get your reward in Heaven.!!

MagicWriter2016 Fri 25-Aug-17 18:53:00

Both my daughters are divorced from their first husbands. Oldest daughter never had much to do with her eldest two children's dad as he was always messing her around re maintenance and visiting his children. Youngest daughters ex has been a really good father ( rubbish hubby ) and co parents his children. She has had coffee with his new partner when dropping off children and although they don't share holidays or anything else, they all rub along for the sake of the kids. It is a much preferable relationship than the eldest daughters eldest kids. My youngest daughter is now with her best friends ex and they all get on great, even his daughter. It's nice seeing the girls with their step sister and everyone getting on so well.

Coco51 Fri 25-Aug-17 21:38:47

We had a long fought and bitter divorce, but the arrival of grandchildren thawed the ice gradually and now I and my partner and Ex and wife are friendly whenever we meet up. In fact he and I seem to like each other better now than when we were married.
The Swedes manage changing partners without rancour, with exes and new partners all included in family occasions. It's a salutory lesson and saves so much heartache

Faye Sat 26-Aug-17 04:25:27

My ex and his wife have stayed at my home a couple of times, I live next door to DD2 and she doesn't have as much spare room as I have.

We get on, we always have, I like his wife too, we all have very similar views on life. I am very happy we didn't end up together though, I would be bored and feel like I was living with my brother.

Now if it was my expartner who I left six-seven years ago, I probably would drive on by if I saw him lying injured on the roadside. Life is too short to put up with the low life's of this world and he was right up there. angry

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