Gransnet forums

Letting go

(76 Posts)
Luckylegs9 Mon 12-Feb-18 15:56:08

A lot of the discussions are about relationships either in trouble or ended, most of the time not mutually. I do wonder if people try and hold on too long to negative relationships rather than face the unknown.

mollie Mon 12-Feb-18 16:02:52

Probably but we are the generation that still believed in marriage for life etc., the youngsters are more pragmatic (or is that cynical?)

crazyH Mon 12-Feb-18 16:03:03

Yes Luckylegs, people sometimes hold on to negative or toxic relationships because they have no choice....if the toxic person is a member of the family, a severing with that one toxic person will have rippling effects on the family. So things are tolerated. If it's a 'friend', it's much much easier to cut them out of your life xx

eazybee Mon 12-Feb-18 16:28:25

It is said about divorce that it is exchanging one set of problems for another.
Sometimes there is no option.

MissAdventure Mon 12-Feb-18 16:49:34

Its hard to let go if you love someone, no matter how much your head says it would be better to.

Christinefrance Mon 12-Feb-18 19:09:43

I know several people who are afraid to be on their own so cling on to relationships which are not working. Loneliness is a great fear for some people.

Violetfloss Mon 12-Feb-18 19:31:56

It depends really.
Friends, I think it's not as unusual if things go wrong and people grow apart.

But Family. That's when it gets tricky. Do you hold on to something because it's what you're supposed to do? even if you're suffering? Or disengage and be seen as selfish and cold? But happier?

Either way, these 'people's can't win.

mollie Mon 12-Feb-18 19:52:20

I’m in a very happy second marriage but grew up with unhappy, warring parents and had my own terrible first marriage. With hose experiences behind me I doubt I would ever hang on to any unhappy, miserable, aggressive relationship out of fear of being alone. I lived alone for twenty years between marriages and it was preferable to living in a war zone.

mollie Mon 12-Feb-18 19:52:37

Those, not hose,

farview Mon 12-Feb-18 22:16:18

Harder as you get walk away...and where to?

mollie Tue 13-Feb-18 07:54:33

Yes, that’s the dilemma.

Kim19 Tue 13-Feb-18 10:24:06

Perhaps to mental and physical freedom?

Mary59nana Tue 13-Feb-18 10:28:58

I’m living alone after 32 years married and fear getting old’s sometimes a joy just to know your not alone in the world by being on this wonderful site

radicalnan Tue 13-Feb-18 10:29:10

I have let go of a few people who were abusing my friendship. I miss them, their humour and our shared history, loneliness is a miserable companion.

I have no idea of the answer to this one as I am just as likely to make new chums with the same agendas / faults and will have wasted some brilliant memories....but, who wants to be put on?

Brexit resulted in a few culled from my friendship list but the usual litany of money not being repaid and being let down is responsible too. I just don't like myself when being taken for a ride and as, by and large, I am the only one here, that is important.

Lyndie Tue 13-Feb-18 10:32:19

I am stuck in a toxic relationship. Feeling really low today.

MiniMama Tue 13-Feb-18 10:36:58

Lyndon I'm sorry you're feeling so low, perhaps talking to someone you trust (or using GN) might help?

Mary59nana Tue 13-Feb-18 10:37:36

Aww Lyndie I feel for you.
You can be in a roomful of people and still feel lonely

Jaycee5 Tue 13-Feb-18 10:57:07

I think that people do that even with friendships so if you add in the impact of housing, money, children etc., both memories of what the relationship was and dreams of what it was going to be, I think it is very understandable that people hang on in. There are so many emotions involved, hope that it will still work out, worry about the practicalities and the emotional side of suddenly being on your own. It is perhaps surprising that so many people are courageous enough to leave long term marriages.

Lyndie Tue 13-Feb-18 10:58:29

I started going out with my husband at 15. Married at twenty. Far too young looking back. Stuck with it for the children. Tried to divorce him and sell the house. Tears up the divorce papers and refuses to sell the house. He still controls me.

LegalEagle Tue 13-Feb-18 10:59:30

You have one life... don't waste it. You never know when it will end.

123flump Tue 13-Feb-18 10:59:50

I think sometimes people try to hold on too hard and the other person feels they have to "escape" if you see what I mean. Sometimes giving people a breathing space helpss.

marionk Tue 13-Feb-18 11:00:17

I do think it’s fear that keeps people in a bad relationship quite often, the unknown and loneliness are big factors, but for me being lonely would be preferable. I know money is also an issue for most people, but cheap accommodation can be found except probably in places like London of course, although cheap places might not be too appealing - I guess it depends on how bad the relationship is.
I also think that one or two people stay in a bad relationship because the actually seem to enjoy the drama and moaning that goes with it, certainly i knew someone just like this - I no longer see her as I couldn’t stand another session of how awful her husband/marriage was whilst refusing to do anything about it.

Mary59nana Tue 13-Feb-18 11:06:23

Lyndie your story is similar
Met at 15 married at 19 and far to young.
He never sowed his oats as he put it and needed to see what it was like ..... in other words mid life crises

Saggi Tue 13-Feb-18 11:13:32

Lyndie oh Lyndie., I so feel for you. I've been stuck in a toxic marriage( if you can call it that) for 45 years. My husband has always controlled me with money and for the past 20 years it's been MY money . He stopped working at 50 and has been living off me all that time. When at 62 I finially rebelled .... I got my state pension... and very warily had it paid into MY newly opened FIRST solo bank account.!!! He went berserk ... he threatened...he raged...he ranted... he put his fist in my face ... he verbally abused me for three weeks. I let him rant and rant and rant. E
When he ran out of anything left to say to make me 'conform' to his expectations I told him if he didn't 'take his mouth of me' I would leave him to cope without me being his skivvy. He paid 37 pence for a wedding licence to marry and I thought he'd had his money's worth!!! In fact I think I paid the registrar. So I know all about these miserable marriages that a lot of us seem to be suffering on GN ... The only answer is to stand up to these 'men'... what's the worst they can do. The law has swung onto our side at last. Use it!

Mary59nana Tue 13-Feb-18 11:44:14

Oh my such sad stories
Sending my love to all x