End of My Tether (another DiL thread, sorry!)

I don't know if this helps or not but I have had family members who are younger and in work who do have quite strong opinions about things and voice them. I have found as they get older and find out more about life they mellow a bit.
You can't make other family members like her but as she is your sons wife perhaps you can try and ignore her remarks which upset you and try and keep the peace for your sons sake. I know others will come on here and tell you to otherwise but sometimes, least said soonest mended works best.

Sorry you feel down about this. Maybe the key is where you say you have tried so hard to love her.

Could you tone down your expectations and settle for "get on OK with"

This is a good point batty
There is no rule saying you have to love your in laws. The name implies people who are related to us legally. They are not blood relations and you should try to get on with them but it is often wearisome and tiring. and if its not working then try to just keep the peace.
Try this if she speaks then answer if not keep quiet but smile and if she loses her temper then leave the room.
It sounds as if she is unhappy but she herself has to come to terms with that its not your job.

hope things improve.....

Many thanks for those replies so far ...
Doodle - she is 45 so I suppose I can live in hope that she'll tone down!
And oldbatty I think that IS a very good point. I have sort of been co-opted into 'replacement mother' role with her but perhaps it would be best to take a step back.
And MargaretX she IS unhappy but you are right, it's not my job.
I suppose I am disappointed as I am succeeding in building a good practical relationship with another (very different from me) DiL that is based on respect and finding common ground (e.g. loving the children)
This first DiL though ... I just sometimes want to wring her neck! Breathe, breathe ... let it go etc.
Thanks again!

I agree with oldbatty. It seems you have tried very hard Maybe just settle for less and save your energy. I have tried to get close to my DiL for years. We get on well enough when we meet. But I've realised its not ever going to be more. Thats ok. I do feel sorry for your DiL though. She doesn't sound very happy.

Well at least you acknowledge she has a good side. I get in very well with my own DiL, but it’s taken a long time. They’ve been married 18 years and were together for 5 before that.

I sometimes cringe at the things she says and the faux pas she makes. But like your DiL she has another side to her.

I’ve learned how to handle her. When to stand my ground and when to ignore what she says. She’s a past master of putting her foot in things and can be a right moody mare on occasion.

Re your own DiL it is very hard having no family, believe me. It makes you feel very alone. If I were you WIWS I’d have a good long think about what drives her and how she thinks and cut her some slack. She’s not perfect DiL material, but she sounds a damned sight better than some we here about on GN!

We hear about...

I agree with others, wishiwas, review your expectations, you’ll protect yourself a little then. Sometimes we have to accept what we have, rather than what we would like to have. Our two daughters in law are very different and our relationship with them is very different. One I do a lot of tongue biting with, am often reduced to tears by, but can also feel close in the very few times she allows me to be. The other is always kind and considerate. They are different people, we can’t make one like the other even if at times we would dearly love to. You’ve done all you can, you can’t make her be different so perhaps think more about how to change your expectations and so be hurt less. I totally understand your struggle with the insensitive comments, they certainly can hurt. I wonder, is she really expressing a fear for herself as she gets older? Vent away here if it helps, someone will always listen. Wishing you well.

Her nasty comments about you and your husband may stem from jealousy. At 45 and with no children , and no other family, she may envy your life which has a good balance of work and grandchildren ( which she will never have). I also assume that she is considerably older than your son - she may be feeling that her time and her options are running out. Which could be making her snappy towards people who seem to " have it all".

I'd just back off , stop trying to love her and stop trying to be a replacement mother. Try to let her comments roll off like water off a duck's back. Be friendly but don't expect to be best friends. Good luck !

I agree that she sounds unhappy. She has lost her parents, has no siblings and no children, whether or not by choice I don't know, but it may well be that she wanted them. 45 is an odd age, just at the end of the fertility years, but some way off retirement.

Maybe she does feel jealous of you and your large loving family, instead of just being grateful to be a part of it. Just remember it's her not you and take a step back from it all.

Has your son noticed or said anything?

If she has a good marriage with your son and they are happy together I'd be inclined to settle for the fact that this is the case rather than trying to understand her rather complex nature. In laws can have a very rocky relationship that can sometimes alienates their adult children which you obviously don't want. As someone said she has no close relations of her own and may feel she has to make her presence felt in situations she's not comfortable with - it's hard to know why some people are so rude and opinionated with others at times. We had friends like this - no matter what you talked about they had to have the opposite opinion to the point of it being totally ludicrous at times!

Just accept who she is and grin and bear the comments - hard as it may be!

I have sort of been co-opted into 'replacement mother' role with her but perhaps it would be best to take a step back
I wonder who ‘co-opted’ you?
The last thing I would have wanted after my Mum died would have been for anyone to try to take her place.
Luckily my DMiL had the sense and the sensitivity not to.

She sounds insecure and unhappy, lonely too, but she is also insensitive. I would try to let her comments roll off you if you can, others are noticing her behaviour. If she makes comments about your age, I would gently point out that she is only 10 years younger, other than that least said soonest mended, sometimes silence speaks volumes, no point in trying to change her.

Seems to me like you are a good kind person WishIWasSaintly. You are trying to understand your Dil's situation even although she hurts your feelings with thoughtless comments. Interesting thoughts above on her perhaps actually envying you, that may indeed be lying below the surface without her even being aware of it. I admire you for trying to be there for her, I'm sure deep down she sees that. Like others, I would try to accept her the way she is. If she says something that grates with you just give a gentle smile and don't comment. Take a deep breath and accept your son's choice. Of course come on here as well and let rip, there are a lot of us who can understand your frustration.

I agree with Oldbatty. Lower expectations and protect yourself abit.
I'm sorry she upset you, don't make excuses as to why, menopause or not, comments hurts and if it's consistent it does make meeting up with someone like that hard.

OP, I do not know if this applies to your DIL. However, as someone who now has no biological family I do find it quite difficult to be around my MIL when she talks to my DH about his childhood. Knowing I have nobody who can talk about mine, or who shares my early years, I do find upsetting. Although I generally get along with my MIL quite well, I do find myself wishing she would shut up and probably am a little more difficult to get along with. Just a thought anyway, OP.

These comments really are very helpful and reassuring, so thank you everyone!

I am sure she could be worse, I think I will just try and step back and not feel responsible for everyone's experiences at family gatherings. I tend to think I might have some power to smooth things out and see that everyone is happy. I really don't. But I do want family time to be a good experience.

It's interesting to imagine that she might be envious. She and my (12 years younger than her) son decided not to have children but since the other grandchildren have come along she is at great pains to point out what a great decision they made.

My son is a pragmatist, he picks his battles. I am not sure if their relationship is happy, she tends to overshare details about it with me (which I don't particularly want to know!) but only the bad bits. So I'm sure I don't get a balanced picture. He is not the sort (he's firstborn among very emotional and expressive siblings) to share his feelings.

In particular your comments Cornishsue1 have made me wonder about that side of things. We are a fairly big bumptious family - and all biologically related (if you count the grandchildren as making the other in laws biologically connected) and perhaps she's feeling it. Maybe not just with me but with the others when they talk about their childhoods - they are also close with their cousins of which she has none as an only child.

I guess I have to let go of this image of the Waltons or something with everyone having a great time in the sunshine and me as the saintly matriarch!

I like what you say OldMeg 'I’ve learned how to handle her. When to stand my ground and when to ignore what she says.' and I think I need to work towards this.

Thanks again everyone!

* I meant to say she is an only child of only child parents

One thing I have learnt is that I am not responsible for the feelings of others. We have no power over them. You can be hospitable, kind, welcoming (if you have the energy!) but that's as far as it goes.

indeed oldbatty!

Snap Wish ! I have a d.i.l. who is an only child. She is devoted to her parents, and I mean nothing to her. I am just the mother of her husband and that's it. I don't expect to be loved by her or my other d.i.l. I just want to get on with them, meet occasionally, see the grandkids. I am much older than you Wish, and so I just let it all pass me by. I am on my own. Ex is married to someone and the d.i.ls get on well with them. I sometimes feel like an appendix.
Yes, these young women (including my daughter) can be very loud and opinionated. I just sit back and listen.
Yes, we all wish our families are like the Waltons ?

Only chiming in to say that if she’s 45 there’s an excellent chance she is perimenopausal herself.

Now hormones can’t excuse behaviour but they might give some context.

I know the perimenopause doesn’t get spoken of often, but my observations and comments from family and older friends going/who went through it is that it does make some people super difficult to deal with.

CrazyH it sounds like you've made peace with it. I have been reflecting on it over the past couple of days with all this helpful advice and food for thought - and I realise I do need to do that.
I suppose it's not in my nature to enjoy sitting back and listening! I will practice my Buddha-like smile.
And muffinthemoo you are probably right. She's always been loud and opinionated and insensitive. They've been living nearby for a year or so now and I have been thinking she's worse because I've been seeing her more. Maybe it's coincidental with hormones too. Perfect storm!

Echo what has already been said WishIWasSaintly.

There is absolutely no reason you should LOVE your daughter in law. If your son is happy that's all you need to know.

Personally, I would avoid being in her company (as long as is necessary to keep family peace). I would NOT take to heart what she says. Yes, she may have problems but they are not your problems. You have done your bit bringing your son up. His choice from now on.

I would just get on with my own life if I were you and ignore the niggles and taunts. Gawd knows why she does it but do you really need to know ...or care? If she is menopausal...so be it! We ALL have to cope with that in whatever way.

I maybe sound harsh? yep...I am.....lol x