Gransnet forums

Grumpy daughter .Part 2

(53 Posts)
Washerwoman Thu 11-Oct-18 09:02:11

Just needed a little vent again.I posted a few months previously about feeling like a punch bag every time my DD is feeling tired and grumpy -whichever way too often given that she lives close and I help with childcare at least twice a week ,including very early starts.Well things improved a lot when she reduced her hours .It was unsustainable for them as a couple given her partners very long days and early starts too.They have at times a volatile relationship,and whilst at times I feel exasperated with him I'm not blind to her faults.And I began to relax and enjoy her company again,or even fell less anxious just discussing arrangements with her.Honestly any conversation however innocent had the potential to cause offence.
Well she's pregnant again.And whilst of course in one way I'm pleased and excited,as is DH,we also are worried about how she will cope and furthermore how it will impact on us.I simply can't go through all the snipiness again.My other DDs has seen and been on the receiving end of her moods.And we're all holding our breath for how things will go with baby no 2.She's a lovely capable mum,with many good points .And I hate feeling critical of her,because she's her own worst critic .I know she doesn't need judgement but support. But she does also get a lot of help,not just from DH and I but her sisters and compared to a lot of mum's struggling with nursery drop offs,full time work, poor housing had really she has a set up many would envy.
I know I need to count to 10+ and walk away.My others DDs have told me to help only when absolutely necessary,and not offer any more.I know from previous replies my experience is shared. Just looking for solidarity as I'm about to go round to collect her dog and can tell she's not had a good night with the little one and morning sickness.Help !

crazyH Thu 11-Oct-18 09:25:03

Isnt your daughter a lucky girl to have so much help and support around her? And when she's tired, she is grumpy, and when she's grumpy, she needs a punch bag and who else but mum can take all the punches. I have a grumpy daughter too, who once went off on a tirade, because I didn't use a cutting board on her precious granite worktop. Couldn't find the cutting board, so I folded a thick teatowel and used that......but I have learnt over the years to walk away when she is in a bad mood.
I think your daughter is quite spoilt really. You should thank her lucky stars for you and her family. My daughter is divorced, with two teenagers, has to work 24/7 to provide for her children (ex husband hasn't contributed much, never did). So she probably has an excuse to get grumpy. Your daughter has no excuses.
We love our children, and so we tolerate all their faults. That's what we mothers do. Continue to support her ... what else can I say? flowers.

spabbygirl Thu 11-Oct-18 10:09:23

I would be asking her to speak to me with good manners at least, and making sure to tell her that you understand her stress but you also have feelings and don't want to be spoken to in a way in which she wouldn't speak to others.
I wish you luck, I have similar with my eldest daughter, they're almost more trouble when they're grown than when they're little!!

grandmaz Thu 11-Oct-18 10:12:01

In times past, I have found that putting it all down on paper helps - write a long frank letter - which you DON'T send...file it away safely out of the way so that you don't send it in error. You may find that firstly writing your frustrations and anxieties down and secondly re-reading it from time to time, may be surprisingly therapeutic for you. It won't change your DD 's grumpiness etc, but neither will having a rift develop because you get to the point where you say more than you mean to, in sheer hurt and in the heat of the moment.

It's so hard when we love them so much and all we want is for them to be happy, to find oneself on the receiving end of their ire. I hope that things are less difficult than you anticipate when the baby is born...I'm sure that many on this forum can empathise with your situation.

Take care flowers

Rocknroll5me Thu 11-Oct-18 10:23:15

Yep I get it too and if I remonstrate she says I am being rude! I do worry about it so understand your angst. I do not have a partner, she has a devoted spouse, sometimes it’s a bit hard not to feel sorry for oneself and then of course she can turn on a sixpence so I think I have been imagining the abusive behaviour. It’s very very hard. I’m fine because I am independent. And can get away and drive off with least stress but I have been diagnosed with something that might need major surgery.. and the thought of being totally dependent on her is not good. In fact it sent me to therapy but the therapist thinks thinks that I wrongly have made myself totally dependent on her and I should not do that with adult child. I don’t think she quite gets it.

debohunXL5 Thu 11-Oct-18 10:28:39

Good luck with your op Rock flowers

Bbbface Thu 11-Oct-18 10:35:19

*because I didn't use a cutting board on her precious granite worktop. Couldn't find the cutting board, so I folded a thick teatowel and used that.*

I have to admit I’d be a little shock if I saw this on my granite worktop!

Nannan2 Thu 11-Oct-18 10:41:10

My youngest daughter (25)is lovely most of the time but whenever she comes along on any holidays she turns into a right grumpy pŕima donna!

hugaby Thu 11-Oct-18 10:46:27

Could she be suffering with Post Natal Depression?

Lolol Thu 11-Oct-18 10:51:35

Believe me you are not alone. We just have to accept it as best we can as nothing will change. Just be thankful for our amazing grandchildren. They are what keeps me going.

GillyEB Thu 11-Oct-18 10:54:00

Get a life Bbbface,if you can,t add something constructive,don’t post!!!

Jewelswalk Thu 11-Oct-18 10:59:20

And one day her daughter might find the letter

holdingontometeeth Thu 11-Oct-18 11:26:28

Put her right and don't accept such behaviour.
She needs you more than you need her.

Buffybee Thu 11-Oct-18 11:37:26

I help my Dd with child care and also do lots of running around for her when she needs me to.
I am very happy to do so but I am afraid that if she spoke to me disrespectfully, I would tell her straight that I would not put up with it.
What you want to try Washerwoman is walking away next time that she is rude to you and do not help or go back until she apologises and promises to change her ways.
Why are you being her "doormat" and " whipping boy"?
She needs to know which side her bread is buttered on!

vickya Thu 11-Oct-18 11:37:49

Jewelswalk, my supporter here has just said 'leave it with your will' smile
I, too, have a daughter who is a mardy cow some of the time, to use an expression I have heard and like. And if I complain it stresses her! She does have a lot on her plate, and is juggling that plate and several others. She is never like that to anyone except me, her father, who also does some childcare, and the father of one of her children. Everyone else thinks she is wonderful. I hadn't thought it is because she is tired, grumpy and that grumping at mum or dad is a way of letting off steam. Now some grans here have said how it is for you I feel a bit better.

mabon1 Thu 11-Oct-18 11:39:01

Have you spoiled her? Sounds like that to me. Just let her get on with matters with her husband and only help when absolutely necessary. There is a young woman who lives near to me with four children and I see her every morning walking them down to school in all weathers at 8.20 p.m. so how can't your daughter cope with one?

grandtanteJE65 Thu 11-Oct-18 11:52:54

I have never been able to understand why we are expected to put up with bad manners from our nearest and dearest.

I would point out to her how hurtful her behaviour is, and as she obviously treats her sisters in the same way as she treats you, why don't you all take it up with her?

Jayelld Thu 11-Oct-18 12:05:07

My daughter was like this until she reached her 30's but one day, in the park, I suddenly 'flipped' and let rip at her language and treatment of me, her husband and eldest son, then I walked away. Two days later she phoned me, (I never phone her after an arguement she has caused!), and we talked for over an hour. That was 9 years ago and now I just say to her, "don't talk to me that way" and leave the room.
I think that you need to let your daughter know how much her behaviour upsets you and your husband, say 'No, we're busy' sometimes when she asks for help and let her see that, yes you'll continue to support her, but you have a life outside of her needs.

Having said all that, I dropped everything and went to my daughters yesterday when she was hit by a car, drivers fault! (Very bad bruising, thankfully!!!).

ReadyMeals Thu 11-Oct-18 12:22:32

In some ways it's not helpful to compare what she's got to cope with, with what other people are coping with, because everyone has a different capacity and stamina. It's like when people were comparing Camilla's apparent laziness with the amount of work the Queen does - the Queen may be lucky enough to have a very high stamina level, while Camilla may tire more easily. But of course everyone who feels grumpy when tired should try not to make other people suffer for it and exercise a little control.

Tillybelle Thu 11-Oct-18 12:42:44

Washerwoman You poor dear loving mum! This truly is total support. I'll try and give a bit of help if I can later. I have to rush to deal with a pressing problem that has kept me awake last night!
Meanwhile, you are not alone. there are hundreds, nay, thousands of us out here sending you love and support and fellow feeling. Please put yourself first. We aren't getting younger, we must look after ourselves.
Lots of love, Lx 💐brewcupcake

quizqueen Thu 11-Oct-18 13:40:26

The best way to deal with a tantrum is to remove the audience. So, whenever your daughter is being abusive to you ( because that is what it is) just pick up your coat, don't say a word ( other than, 'bye' to your grandchild) and leave. Let it be her who makes first contact and then tell her that this is what you will do in future until she is appreciative of your help. Refuse to get into an argument about it and leave her to ponder on her bad behaviour. Just because she is tired it doesn't mean she has to make your life miserable so she can be even more tired without your help for a while until her behaviour changes. You are facilitating her anger by putting up with it so it is your behaviour which has to change..

Sielha Thu 11-Oct-18 13:51:34

Oh my goodness, this is like reading about myself! My pregnant (2nd baby) daughter and I are currently not speaking because of the demands she has been placing on me whilst I have also been coping with a sick husband. She is stressed with the pregnancy and is also getting an extension done and yes, we’re minding their dog! I sometimes feel like a punchbag for her mood swings and test she is totally unappreciative of the stress I am under. So I totally understand you and feel your pain. As for constructive advice? Not sure really, we’re not speaking because I did finally put my foot down and express myself and have no regrets about doing so but am not happy with the current situation either! Daughters eh!

Shizam Thu 11-Oct-18 13:57:18

I lost my mum when I was a young child. When I had children of my own, I had absolutely no help, apart from husband, but he worked long hours. I also returned to job. It was really tough. But we made it.
So I would like to give all of your grumpy daughters a virtual shake. They have no idea how lucky they are to have mothers who are willing and able to give them invaluable, probably free help.

Grammaretto Thu 11-Oct-18 14:08:55

I have a DD just the same. Yes she's spoiled. No she wouldn't dream of speaking to her Mil or anyone else like she talks to me.
I have promised myself an exit strategy if it happens again but I'm dependant on her for lifts etc so it isn't easy. flowers

lottagelady Thu 11-Oct-18 15:12:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.