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In laws furious we are moving

(90 Posts)
Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:41:41

Looking for advice... We’ve recently told my in laws we’ve decided to move abroad and they are furious. They’re close to my toddler DS and I can completely understand their upset, we’re disappointed they’ll see less of him too. We’re moving abroad for my job and my FIL has yelled and yelled that we’re not doing the right thing and putting my work ahead of everything else. He has been extremely rude and even yelled on two separate occasions that he couldn’t care less if I leave the country (just me). Until this all happened I had a good relationship with my in-laws, they’re quite over bearing but nothing I couldn’t handle happily enough. My husband is understandably very angry at his Dad (yhis Mum has been nicer but could have been more supportive too) and I’m just devastated there is such a family strain. We leave in seven weeks and I know things won’t get better unless they’re fixed before our move (we told them four months before our move, as soon as we knew). I can barely look at my FIL given his behaviour and know he won’t apologise. My husband doesn’t want to discuss the situation with them again but I suspect he’d regret that in years to come, I’ve tried to convince my husband to speak to his parents but he’ll only do so if they apologise. I think this is a lost cause but any advice? Thank you!!!

NfkDumpling Wed 05-Dec-18 14:53:56

Its your life and I’m sure you’ve both gone into the pros and cons in detail and much angst. If your FiL can’t understand this, that’s his problem. Is it a long way abroad? My DS nearly left for the USA but plans fell through at the last minute. Of course I’d have missed them all terribly but there’s skype and phones and WhatsApp, etc. It’s not like 200 years ago when an offspring would vanish off into the wide blue yonder and the parents would be left wondering for months and years if they’d arrived safely.

(I’d just started to look forward to lots of cheap holidays!)

Daddima Wed 05-Dec-18 14:55:07

Let it be for a wee while. Hopefully they’ll realise that keeping in contact will be the best way to keep up a relationship with you all, hopefully your husband will too. Are you moving somewhere nice, so you could arrange a visit for soon after you move?

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:56:56

It’s a 12 hour flight away. I live abroad from my family in Aus so can’t understand the extreme reaction. My family would love for us to live in Aus but happily support our decisions not to.

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 14:57:43

They refuse to commit to a visit, for now anyway.

stella1949 Wed 05-Dec-18 14:59:53

Look, I don't agree with your FIL's behaviour, but I do understand where they are coming from.

As grandparents, our little grandchildren are very precious to us - it's like a wonderful gift that is given to us to cherish and love. You say they are close to your little boy - no doubt they love him dearly. And all they can see is that you have decided to put your job before the relationship they have with your child. You are taking him away from them, and they are upset. Obviously that upset has been expressed badly, but I suspect that this is what they are feeling.

I know how they feel - my daughter and her husband are moving away next month and taking my precious grandchildren far away. Our closeness will never be the same again and I'm heartbroken. I'm not acting out like your FIL is, but inside I'm shattered. Maybe he is too, thinking of how much they are going to miss the little boy.

My suggestion would be - cut them some slack. Instead of waiting for an apology, try having a good talk to both your inlaws about the move. Show them some sympathy . It won't hurt you to do that, and it might help to heal the situation. Talk about how you can all Skype each other, send little messages and pictures to your son, and visit sometimes.

As grandparents we are totally powerless when it comes to our grandchildren - they are not ours but we love and cherish them. If you can see how your in-laws feel, it may go some way to smoothing this over.

Scribbles Wed 05-Dec-18 15:09:44

It's your life and you should live it with your husband and son, in the way you feel is right for the three of you.

Your FiL is behaving appallingly and, to the best of your ability, you should ignore him and look forward to your new life. I appreciate that your OH may have regrets over the rift with his parents but, in time, maybe he can be persuaded to make contact with them and explain that, if a sincere apology is received and if FiL accepts he has no right to dictate to you how and where you live, then maybe a tentative relationship can be resumed and maybe your son can get to know his grandparents on Skype with eventual visits to look forward to. Certainly, your FiL is not setting any great example for your son to follow at present if he thinks shouting and yelling and throwing a tantrum will get him what he wants. (Who is he? Donald Trump?)

Good luck with the move and with your new life. I hope things work out well for you.

BlueBelle Wed 05-Dec-18 15:37:56

Of course you must go where ever you need to, you are not having children to entertaine the past generation you must live life as you and your husband see fit It is not acceptable for any parent or parent in law to get angry or upset to your face if they cry into their pillow afterwards that’s acceptable but not to have a go at you for making your future outside their back yard
I whizzed off to the Far East at 20 for a few years I now have a son in NZ for the past 22 years a daughter in Europe for 17 years and another daughter who was overseas for 12 years but is now back
Make your life where you believe is best They will visit when the anger has calmed down He obviously is thoroughly angry because he can’t control you and your life and no I wouldn’t try placating him at all he’s stamping his feet don’t play into it He’s a control freak and angry you’re not playing it his way

notanan2 Wed 05-Dec-18 15:40:41

Theyve shown their true colours which IMO would make it easier not harder to leave them..

Luckygirl Wed 05-Dec-18 15:49:57

I can understand that they might be upset - I have a very close relationship with 4 of my GC because they are local, and that is very precious to me, particularly so because my home circumstances are difficult - they lift my spirits so much.

So, it is hard for GPs who have formed a close bond to see them swept away and that happy relationship broken (at least in its current form). I think they are entitled to be upset (I am sure you predicted that); but the fact that FIL has expressed himself so angrily is very hard for you all. I wonder is MIL is behind the scenes very upset and he cannot handle this, so is taking it out on you.

Waiting on apologies tends to be a bit of a dead-end, so if you really want to try and unlock this, I wonder if you might write them a letter, telling time your reasons for accepting this new job; and also making it clear that you do understand how difficult it is for them. Then outline some of the ways that you would like to use to keep in touch and keep their relationship with your child alive as far as possible.

I am sorry that this is marring your new adventure in life and hope that you can find a way forward.

Luckygirl Wed 05-Dec-18 15:50:47

"telling them" -

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 15:52:08

Thanks Scribbles - it does feel very Trump-esque! smile

And thanks for your perspective too stella1949, which I very much appreciate. We’ve tried all of those things I’m afraid, with genuine sympathy, it only resulted in my FIL yelling again which is why we’re in the current stalemate. I hope your grandchildren’s move still provides lots of happy times for you.

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 15:53:57

Thanks everyone! Really appreciate the replies.

Baggs Wed 05-Dec-18 16:32:48

I can understand the upset feelings but not the angry shouting, which is absolutely outrageous. They are adults behaving like spoiled brats.

I would let them stew in their own juice for a while. Send them xmas and birthday cards and newsy letters about your new life and see how they respond. At present they are cutting off their own noses, the silly beggars.

Nanabilly Wed 05-Dec-18 17:22:50

They are scared and upset and having a panic .. Just how I would be if I found out my gc were moving away in a few weeks time and not knowing when you will see them again
They are scared of their heartache and missing them ..
Of not having them in their lives...
In time they may come round but don't be surprised if they stay right away from you as they may be thinking it's best to get used to not having them in their lives from now. Hopefully you will all find a way of keeping in touch when things calm down ..

EllanVannin Wed 05-Dec-18 17:51:36

As parents we have to brace ourselves for any eventuality that comes along and never get in the way of the futures of our children. Same goes for GC too. I have lived by this and it came in handy when my D1 emigrated after she married. I've visited 5 times over the years but for health reasons can't now do long-haul flights. I knew this day would come but I've learnt to accept it. My D1 and her H will be over here next June on a visit and I know it'll hurt when they leave but as I've already said, I'll brace myself.

absent Wed 05-Dec-18 18:02:13

I wonder if your father-in-law would be quite so angry if your family were moving abroad because of your husband's job rather than yours.

Izabella Wed 05-Dec-18 19:29:42

Good question absent

I agree with others that this behaviour is controlling, bullying and childish. Confuseddil jus get on with the packing and shipping arrangements and fly away to your future lives together. I wish you well.

Telly Wed 05-Dec-18 19:44:51

They're hurt and angry but their reaction is extreme. I imagine that they didn't see this coming. I think the only thing you can do is give them time. It is very sad it has come to this but I don't think your FiL is going to come round soon. You sound like a calm, caring person so hopefully bridges will be mended.

oldbatty Wed 05-Dec-18 19:52:41

What the hell was a grown man doing shouting at you?

BlueBelle Wed 05-Dec-18 20:09:05

People need to understand that love means letting go sometimes Love doesn’t mean tie them in to you tightly It’s a privilege to spend time with grandchildren if that changes you have to suck it up and accept it you canNOT keep them in a cage I m the softest person you could meet but you have to be tough with yourself and learn to accept what ever they want to do You have had your time to make choices for your own children now it’s their turn
Don’t let your father in law bully you
Good luck

crazyH Wed 05-Dec-18 20:20:54

Good luck Confusedd.i.l. on your new adventure. Your f.i.l. has reacted extremely.....sadness, I can understand...anger, no. I am already dreading my 2 oldest GC, going to University. I, along with the other GPs practically brought them up because their parents are working. As a matter of fact, they are right now spending the week with me because my daughter is away with work.
You are a sweet girl to be worrying about your inlaws' feelings. Your husband would react exactly as my sons' would. But tell him to calm down...it's not worth losing his relationship with his father. He sounds like one of my sons, who gets quite annoyed at the slightest of things. "Calm down dear"...you're probably too young to remember Michael Winner' famous phrase.

Confuseddil Wed 05-Dec-18 21:00:56

Thanks everyone, very much agree it’s a sad extreme reaction. The sadness I understand completely, the anger doesn’t seem fair. @Absent - I have wondered the same question and truly think the reaction would be less if it were my husband’s job, which is frustrating but alas...

SueDonim Wed 05-Dec-18 23:07:08

The IL's will be upset, naturally, but I suspect the anger comes from your FIL having no control over the situation. He needs to understand that though how you make him see sense, I confess, I don't know.

Both my sons and their families live a long way away, one in the US, one at the other end of the UK. It is what it is and I appreciate the time we do have together, especially the US family, as we get to spend two or three weeks a year with them, which in fact over the year can equal more time together than some local families who only see their GC for half an hour every few weeks!

I hope you manage to get to a calmer place with this but you must do what is best for your own family. Good luck.

crazyH Wed 05-Dec-18 23:43:25

You're probably right SueDonim. Some of us GPs get to see our 'local' gc once every fortnight (in my case)....used to be every week ..the gap is widening, for reasons best left unsaid.