Gransnet forums


is it me?

(29 Posts)
seastar Thu 06-Dec-18 04:42:11

what has happened?
1) parents expressed no love when i was growing up- i was neglected and ended up being sexually abused by a stranger wheni was 5 yrsold. mum beat me regularly with a stick really hard it left a mark, never got hugged when i was a child and was lonely - i had 3 sisters.
2) i went to university but my sisters didn,t. they are all on second and third marriages now and have loads of kids.
3) my husband died suddenly with no warning and i have one son
4) middle sister has written some evil letters since i got married and so we no longer speak
5) another sister was supportive of me for 2 weeks and then she has cut me off,

i now live alone with no family- they won't support or speak to me. son is away at university.

i cry most days even though i'm on tablets. counselling hasn't helped. the counsellors say i'm too nice.

i need a job but at 60 yrs of age i can't get one so i'm struggling to pay bills and feed myself.

i'm lonely and feel as though i've done something wrong to deserve this treatment.

i've tried the Samaritans but they just listen. i have just spent 3 days in bed sleeping - to keep warm, to stop feeling lonely, andto avoid eating 3 meals a day.
my dad has died and i can't attend the funeral as i have no money - the funeral is far away. i've told my one sister and she has sent me photos of my dad dying in hospital and has now cut me off as well.
i am truely alone, ( my husband only died 3 months ago as well) .
Christmas will bean ordinary day this year and my birthday follows this. i will receive no cards for either.
what is wrong with me?

i walk by other people's houses and i see loads of cards and people in them.

any ideas?

BlueBelle Thu 06-Dec-18 06:11:28

Hello again Seastar I remember you wrote back in October and was very unhappy with your life You seemed to get a lot of comfort from talking to us and was given some very good advice and support unfortunately things sound as if they have got worse

One thing puzzles me you say my husband died suddenly with no warning but I have one son and again son is away at university but in your previous thread entitled ‘Sisters Sending Nasty Letters’ you said you had no one in the world but a wonderful daughter who was very good to you ? luckily I have a daughter in a million and At least I ve got a great daughter who I m so proud of and love so dearly This is very puzzling

I sincerely hope you can get some professional help

notnecessarilywiser Thu 06-Dec-18 06:12:10

You've a lot of sadness to contend with now seastar. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and your father.

In relation to your father's funeral, do you want to attend? Will your son and daughter be going? They may well be able to help with transport (you refer to an hour's distance in another thread) and to support you in the event you do go together. You wouldn't be unreasonable to attend the service and then leave without interacting with other family members if that would be easiest for you.

Whilst it's entirely understandable that you're still grieving your husband, it sounds to me as though you really are in the grips of depression. Go back to your GP and tell them that the medication they've surprised isn't helping. If there's an alternative that will help to lift you out of this dark place, even partially, you'll be able to cope better. Personally, I wouldn't tackle the issues of your unkind family members at this stage - you need to get back to a place where you can function day to day.

Lastly, I know what you mean about it seeming that everyone else is preparing for a joyous Christmas. All I can say is that appearances can be deceptive - an awful lot of folk experience money worries, emotional concerns and family clashes behind the tinsel and glitter.

Pythagorus Thu 06-Dec-18 06:46:47

Oh dear, what a sad email. You do sound as if you are in a spiral of depression. You may need professional help.

I have many similarities in my life to the life you describe. I had a dreadfully deprived and unhappy childhood.

I live at the other end of the country to my siblings and am not close to them. Parents died, husband left many years ago. Only son has chosen partner who doesn’t want me in their lives. I live alone. I am 70 and don’t work.
However ....... as Nelson Mandela said when interviewed about how he survived for so many years in prison. ‘Two men look through prison bars, one sees mud, the other sees stars.’ I will never forget that quote.
I love my life, and never feel lonely. My life is full of people .... friends and acquaintances ..... in order to have a friend you have to be a friend. I focus on others rather than myself. The more I give, the happier I get.
We have a choice ...... there is a mental switch we can flick. Turn on the positive or the negative. That said, if you are truly suffering from depression you may need to talk to your doctor and get help. But we all have to help ourselves and choose the way we decide to look at life. So, get up,out of that bed and embrace your life. X

lemongrove Thu 06-Dec-18 08:14:42

Loads of cards in houses, already?
Do you have a daughter or a son?

lemongrove Thu 06-Dec-18 08:16:09

A onesie will keep you toasty warm.

Chewbacca Thu 06-Dec-18 08:53:53

the counsellors say i'm too nice.

You need to look for a more supportive and constructive counsellor. This one is clearly not giving you the help and advice you need.

mcem Thu 06-Dec-18 09:28:32

What is your lovely daughter doing about the funeral? Surely she and her brother will try to be at their grandfather's funeral? Can't she help to get you there. Have her aunts fallen out with her too?
I wouldn't put much faith in the counsellor either.
Even at 60, with a degree and life experience, finding a job shouldn't be impossible.
It's almost as if your post is an amalgam of so many others found on GN, isn't it ????

crazyH Thu 06-Dec-18 11:52:06

Thinking of you someone said, try to be positive. 💐

FlexibleFriend Thu 06-Dec-18 11:57:31

She says she has 1 son there is no mention of a daughter.
I've read it several times now and still see no daughter.

FlexibleFriend Thu 06-Dec-18 12:18:35

You have to live in the now, you can't change the past.
You're family sounds horrendous so I'd cut them out of my life.
I'm sorry for the loss of your husband, that must have been a shock.
I think you need to start with seeing your Doctor as you sound very depressed, he can prescribe anti depressants and refer you for counselling.
There is nothing wrong with living alone, it's certainly better than living with nasty people and your son won't be at university forever.
Samaritans do a great job, they do listen but they won't tell you how to solve your problems, that's not their job.
You need to stop worrying about what you've done and think about what you can do to change your life. Think about making new friends, join local clubs have a look for "meet up" groups in your area.
If you can't find a way to get to your Dad's funeral then don't go. You won't miss him any less but there's no point in making yourself ill worrying about it either.
As for other people's lives they are an illusion, so what if they have cards they might still be a battered wife etc.
Just stop comparing your life to other people's lives, no one has a perfect life absolutely no one.

MawBroon Thu 06-Dec-18 12:34:11

This thread

Willow10 Thu 06-Dec-18 13:46:01

I think you are right lemongrove.

BlueBelle Thu 06-Dec-18 14:31:36

FlexibleFriend The poster original started a thread a few months ago where she said she only had a wonderful supportive DAUGHTER in her life now she has a son at university and no daughter
At the moment this is not adding up

FlexibleFriend Thu 06-Dec-18 14:51:29

Well like a lot of posters on here they drip feed information.

So whether you have a son or a daughter or both you're hardly all alone in the world as previously claimed.

Squiffy Thu 06-Dec-18 14:52:03

HQ alerted.

Bathsheba Thu 06-Dec-18 15:19:39

Hmm, my first thoughts too lemon hmm

BlueBelle Thu 06-Dec-18 15:22:11

My thoughts too Squiffy and lemongrove

M0nica Thu 06-Dec-18 16:19:16

What makes me fed-up with doubtful threads, is that I am now approaching every new thread with a story of personal tragedy with suspicion, which is unjust and unfair on those genuine posters who need help and support.

Squiffy Thu 06-Dec-18 16:26:34

Exactly MOnica! There are two threads that I’ve just read which may well be true, but I have my doubts..... I don’t like being so untrusting and cynical tchsad

petra Thu 06-Dec-18 16:56:42

I'm always suspicious when poster give too much detail.
Speaking from personal experience and others who have experienced abuse you just don't talk about it in detail, except to a therapist
You might say, as I do "it wasn't a barrel of laughs" or it could have been better etc.
But you never give details.

MawBroon Thu 06-Dec-18 17:00:45

I am beginning to feel invisible -
I did post a link to the thread!

BlueBelle Thu 06-Dec-18 17:25:21

Mawboon I alerted this at 6 am this morning I tried to do it in a careful way in case I was wrong
And yes Monica and Squiffy that’s what makes me so wary now and not sure how to feel about some threads
Hopefully we ll get over this spate and back to normality soon

Chewbacca Thu 06-Dec-18 18:21:27

Have schools broken up early for Christmas?

Jalima1108 Thu 06-Dec-18 19:23:06

Loads of cards in houses, already?
We've had five lemongrove!
But three days ago we had only had one.

seastar says she has spent three days in bed, so these lucky folk must have had loads of cards from people who were very quick off the mark at the end of November.

seastar you could try inviting the neighbours in for a drink - sometimes you have to be the one who begins the process of making friends.