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Aggressive husband

(158 Posts)
Telegran Fri 19-Apr-19 18:21:25

Hi I’m new but my husband has been arguing really aggressively again and told me to go commit suicide! No apologies today never does and the atmosphere in the house is tense

agnurse Fri 19-Apr-19 18:28:11

You might need to do what is referred to as "two-carding" him.

You give him two business cards. One is for a marriage counselor, the other is for a divorce lawyer. His choice.

Telegran Fri 19-Apr-19 18:36:29

Do you think this is abuse? He says lots hurtful things to me, he’s hit a family member a close one at that . He mocks me says I’m useless even though I know I’m not

janeainsworth Fri 19-Apr-19 18:41:04

How long have you been married Telegran? Has your OH always been like this?
Yes, his behaviour is abusive.

HildaW Fri 19-Apr-19 18:57:19

Sounds like you need some help and support Telegram. In simple terms your OH's behaviour sounds highly abusive. Its certainly not something I'd accept.

FlexibleFriend Fri 19-Apr-19 19:01:19

Of course it's abuse.

sodapop Fri 19-Apr-19 19:15:51

How long has this been going on Telegran is it something new or a long standing issue. ?
If its just started then you need to find out why and take steps to protect yourself.
If its long standing then get the hell out of Dodge.

allsortsofbags Fri 19-Apr-19 19:43:39

Can you Google Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence and see how many of the items apply to you. That will give you a clearer answer.

If his behaviour is recent you could research to see if it's health related. Or he been behaving like this for years? It could still be health related and only you know if he would be willing to get any possible health issues checked out.

If it is Abuse or Violence you then have to choose how you go forward with you life.

Whatever you choose to do I would recommend you get some good advice from a Solicitor. If you don't think you can afford one look at places like Women's Aid, Citizens Advice or any other such agencies in your area. May be Age Concern or whatever they are called now if you feel you are old enough to seek their help.

While I love the idea of 2 cards (nicely put).

I'm not sure I would be letting you OH know anything until you are clear in your own mind what is really going on and how you want to go forward.

Be careful who you talk if they know you both or you think you'd want to keep any kind of relationship going with them when you are clearer about what you want you future to look like.

If you can get any counselling go for it, even if it's just you. Feeling supported and understood can make a huge difference when we are in difficult situations.

Nothing is likely to change overnight so, as others have said, find ways to keep yourself safe. Think about you can go stay with someone or have someone with you. What others ways can you keep safe in mind as well as body until there is better outcome for you.

I'm sure you'll get something from the replies here on GN. Good Luck and well done for reaching out, that is never easy.

Tangerine Fri 19-Apr-19 19:46:23

My friend's husband was like that. He'd really been a marvellous husband but then he changed. In short, it turned out to be health related and he honestly couldn't help it. The right medication helped although he was clearly very ill.

I don't want to depress you but it was some kind of dementia.

I hope you get things sorted out soon.

Anja Fri 19-Apr-19 20:02:50

Dementia, even in the early stages, can cause aggressive behaviour

Callistemon Fri 19-Apr-19 20:12:08

I know of someone who started hitting his wife then was diagnosed with dementia- before that he was a very mild and kind man.

Telegran Fri 19-Apr-19 20:43:21

He’s been like this for approximately 18 years but it’s got physical with a close family member and to be honest he’s getting right in my face with threats he knows I’ve just come off medication for anxiety as I was doing well and felt strong but he seems to want to pull me back down.
I’m holding back as my mums old and it would really hurt her and I don’t want her to know about him . A few friends have thought he’s a bit off at times but I’ve just made excuses for him. Thanks everyone it’s good to know I can come on here and get support thanks everyone .

Telegran Fri 19-Apr-19 20:45:17

Been married 24 years. No he’s got worse over last 12 years I’d say.

Luckygirl Fri 19-Apr-19 20:51:07

It is entirely beyond me why you are living with this apology for a man. Unless he is ill, there is absolutely no reason at all for you to feel that you deserve so little from life that spending it with this sort of behaviour is acceptable.

Please take steps to improve your life - getting medical help for him ( if that seems appropriate), or getting the life you deserve. I am sure that, however old, your Mum might be, she would want you to be happy.

kittylester Fri 19-Apr-19 21:05:27

Welcome op if you are new.

janeainsworth Fri 19-Apr-19 21:20:24

Telegran your mum may be old but she probably suspects and worries about you more than you realise. It might even be a relief to her if you confided in her.
Stop making excuses for your OH.
You deserve better.

rosecarmel Fri 19-Apr-19 22:32:46

Telegran, do you think it might be possible for you to get back on your anxiety meds again at least until you figure out what to do? That might be helpful -

When was your husband's last visit with a doctor? Does he take any medication? Could you share your concerns about him with his doctor and work together with his doctor to convince him to come in for a visit?

Do you have a safe place to go to away from your home and situation should things escalate and you need to flee? Or a women's shelter near by?

Starlady Sat 20-Apr-19 00:21:20

I am going to take a wild guess that your h was the reason you needed anxiety meds in the first place. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be verbal/emotional, and clearly, that's what's going on here. There may be a health reason, he may even have a mental disorder. But no matter, you've put up with this for too long. Imo, you need to see a solicitor and start thinking about getting a divorce. Don't tell him, unless or until you actually leave because he might get physical. Please don't worry about your mum. She wouldn't want you to be living this way. And she doesn't need to know why you're leaving him, just has to accept that you're happier without him. Maybe get some counseling to help you sort out your feelings and help you move on. Or as rosecarmel suggests, get to a woman's shelter, and being to rebuild your life. Hugs!

TwiceAsNice Sat 20-Apr-19 00:39:44

This is emotional abuse and controlling behaviour . As one who has been in a similar situation I advise you to get out now whilst you can. It will not improve, abusers don’t want to change . Please get legal advice to help you leave safely

Lyndiloo Sat 20-Apr-19 01:09:29

This man is a bully! (But you already know that ...) And you've let his abusive behaviour go on for far too long. He is intimidating you and pulling you down into feeling worthless. That's what bullying men try to do. (I wouldn't mind betting that he tries to isolate you from friends and family too - that's what they do.) It's got to stop! Or you, as a couple have to stop!

Are there any times when you could sit down and have a calm conversation with him about his behaviour? Or has that become a 'no-go area'?

It's very hard to envisage a different life for yourself.

Do you still love him? Do you have enough money to leave? Could you make him leave? Do you have children, or other family members, who would help? (But do be careful who you talk to - it may get back to him, which would only make matters worse.)

A lot of thinking for you to do! But you have to do it. You can't carry on like this! You'll be unhappy for the rest of your life, unless something changes. So, what are your options ...? Think it through.

And, as others have said, don't worry about your mum. She doesn't have to know anything until you're sorted, if you think that she couldn't cope. (But she could be a strong support for you too ...?)

Don't keep leaving it, hoping that things will change - start doing something now! And in a year or two, you'll be so pleased that you did.

Keep strong! X

Telegran Sat 20-Apr-19 06:57:21

Thanks everyone for the good advice and support. I know you’re all right .i didn’t realise he does isolate me from friends he’s picked faults, made excuses and controlled the situations if they’ve arranged to meet me.Hes always said I don’t need friends and I shouldn’t trust anyone not a single friend. He’s not speaking to me at the moment since the last argument when he told me go commit suicide. It’s very tense I don’t think he will hit me though but he comes close very close I’m sure as he gets right in my face with a horrible nasty angry look and threatens me. Yes I do believe he’s the cause of my anxiety in the first place,I’m a very strong person or I think I am I really don’t know anymore if I am 🤦🏻‍♀️ I started medication when he threatened to burn the house down with me in it that was a few years ago now. He wants come with me wherever I go and if I tell him I want to go by myself he goes funny mood and makes it uncomfortable for me I feel like I’ve got no escape or room to breathe sometimes. In between the bad times he’s ok, helps in the house, doesn’t go out himself even if I’ve told him go out for a drink I would drive him and pick him up etc . He can control it because if anyone calls he changes like butter wouldn’t melt he’s so nice you wouldn’t believe the change. I’m going go out more with my friends in the day meet-up for coffee etc first see what response I get try get some of me time. I’ve not even been by myself in my home for years... he won’t go out without me at all only to the bin 😇 . Sorry for the long post ladies I think I’m just getting things off my chest . Thanks for listening. Xx

Starlady Sat 20-Apr-19 07:30:47

He has threatened to kill you, told you to kill yourself, and "come close" to hitting you. What has to happen for you to start looking into leaving? Why do you stay? Financial reasons? Fear of being alone? What?

Whatever, I just wish you the best and hope you keep reaching out to us.

BrandyButter Sat 20-Apr-19 07:31:01

He is displaying the classic sugns of being a Narcissist. If you're on Facebook look on there, there a many good support groups and you will be amazed how many sound like the eaxct same man! They control you but have a total different face they present to the world who seem them as wonderful and kind. He does not go out himself as this is a control tool, he can they say 'he does not go out' so why should you? very clever. The 'Silent treatment' is also an abusive tool to control people. As for telling you to commit suicide?? Encouraging people to self-harm and kill themselves is a teenage problem in modern society at the moment on social media, I have never heard of mature people using this phrase, maybe he is hankering after being a youth again? (sarcasm). No I do not think it is dementia as yes, dementia can present with violent tendencies but this is usually in a 'lashing out' format not in a pre-meditated, controlling way that he can cover up in company. Please research Narcissism and ways to 'grey rock' him.

Telly Sat 20-Apr-19 09:23:44

You really need to speak to someone. I would suggest starting with your GP. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Also start talking to a trusted family member for some moral support. X

Kalu Sat 20-Apr-19 09:50:15

From what I have read on Mumsnet the best advice is to contact Women’s Aid as someone to talk to initially then they will offer support and advise you what steps you need to take.

Regardless of who is affected by your actions, they are not living the hellish life you are. You must look after yourself first so please do something about this now as this situation will never get better, if anything, it will get worse. Take care.