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Should I move out

(90 Posts)
Vauxhall58 Sun 21-Apr-19 13:54:46

Hi I've asked before but it's such a hard decision I'm not getting in with hubby been married 21 years I'd like to move out there's no mortgage we have a council place he's selfish sport on most of the time except when I'm allowed my soaps to watch we never watch anything different it's mid summer repeats or another repeat of something else my problem is we have dogs 5 in fact they all love each other thing is do I take one dog or take none it breaks my heart to leave them it's either that or live a boring life what's left of it I'm 59 hubby is 66 there's no sex I don't want it nor can I do it anyway since the menopause
Any advice please but not relate
Thank you x

ninathenana Sun 21-Apr-19 14:27:14

Could you afford a private rent on your own ? Something to think about.
Have you talked to him about this, maybe he dosen't realise how close you are to leaving. I would have a chat and at least give him chance to change.
Do you have hobbies which get you out of the house, friends to visit and go places with ?
Do you have a spare bedroom that you could set up as a TV room for yourself ? If not I would at least install a second TV in your bedroom.

Lot's of questions, sorry.

Vauxhall58 Sun 21-Apr-19 14:44:07

No I don't have many friends at all and I don't see why I should have to lay on the bed to watch another tv just don't seem fair

wot Sun 21-Apr-19 15:46:14

Punctuation?

phoenix Sun 21-Apr-19 16:09:16

TV channel choices seems a bit trivial to be considering separating/divorce, is there more to it than this?

phoenix Sun 21-Apr-19 16:10:52

Sorry, meant to add that sex (or lack of) isn't the be all and end all of a relationship either.

Coolgran65 Sun 21-Apr-19 16:15:09

It might not seem fair to have to watch a tv in another room, you can always just continue as you are .... watching sport and reruns that you don’t want to watch. I’d go for the other room. Unless you can change the attitude of your dear husband. Do you think this is possible? Have you discussed this with him.

Is there room for a comfy chair in another room/your bedroom. Would dh perhaps be happy to watch his sport in the bedroom/another room?

crazyH Sun 21-Apr-19 16:31:07

Wot, don't you have anything constructive to say ? I don't think punctuation was foremost in her mind.
Vauxhall, so sorry about your situation. Been there, got the medal.
Not sure about your financial situation, but make sure you are able to stand on your own 2 feet. Do you have adult children? I know it's hard. When my husband and I divorced, I made sure I kept our pet dog. Mind you, me ex didn't want her anyway. The only one he wanted was his mistress.
Good luck Vauxhall flowers

sodapop Sun 21-Apr-19 16:35:08

I'm a bit unsure what the situation is Vauxhall Do you really want to leave your husband or are you just fed up with how things are at present.
It's not always easy finding a rented place which will accept dogs so you need to consider this if you are leaving, could you afford a place on your own?
Alternatively could you not lead more separate lives, make a room into a nice bed sitting room for one of you with TV and comfy chairs etc. You could find activities outside the home to enjoy and socialise with others.

Sparklefizz Sun 21-Apr-19 16:37:50

TV channel choices seems a bit trivial to be considering separating/divorce, is there more to it than this?

Extremely trivial, in my opinion, plus not compromising by watching TV in another room.

Surely absolutely no one considers something as serious as divorce over such a minor issue??

Coolgran65 Sun 21-Apr-19 16:50:51

My dh who I love dearly would be happy to watch sports all day, but he doesn’t. He knows we have to have a life. He has a hobby that takes him out 2/3 times each week. I meet a friend for lunch and also have a hobby. Dh and I also go out at least once each week that is not for the shopping.

I’m sure many times he’d prefer to watch sport but knows that it would be selfish. He also knows that if it got too near my ‘sports boundary ‘ he will hear about it. Guess it depends how cooperative op and her dh can be.

Doesn’t sound like it has been properly discussed and sounds rather as though op has a negative attitude. Apologies op if I am wrong.

Eglantine21 Sun 21-Apr-19 16:54:39

If your life is boring why not go out and do something?

I’m afraid I don’t really understand the problem.

Lily65 Sun 21-Apr-19 17:00:03

is this genuine please? Anybody?

DINNNO Sun 21-Apr-19 17:19:04

Is the issue that you watch things on TV and your husband is complaining that he can't watch anything?

I don't think you need to move out if this is the case.

You could get another TV and put it in another room of the house so you can both watch TV.

Just re-read your post, he's a selfish sport? Try this:
www.bustle.com/articles/159709-11-ways-to-deal-with-a-selfish-partner-have-a-healthier-relationship

And five dogs, he might not be ok with looking after them all on his own. Even one dog is allot. If you split you could do play dates for the dogs. You could take two dogs each the last dog can go either one of you. then every now and then let the dogs meet up in a park or something

Grammaretto Sun 21-Apr-19 17:31:28

How have you managed up until now?
21 years is a long time. I'm sure all marriages have their ups and downs.
Personally I wouldn't want to share with 5 dogs but then I wouldn't want to watch sport on TV all day either.
Sounds like you are in a rut and need pulling out. Are you sure relate would be no help?

BlueBelle Sun 21-Apr-19 18:34:16

If you no longer love your husband spit the house in two his half and your half if you don’t want to move to a flat of your own You can live two separate lives in the same house and keep all your dogs
Or
You can move out start a new life and get out and about enjoying yourself
Or
If you still love him get some outside help to find a way to stay happily together, but I don’t get the feeling that’s what you want or is it? Sex doesn’t have to be over after the menopause get help and support you’re very young

Specs Sun 21-Apr-19 21:01:25

Okay so the old mans pretty boring, he’s not going to change and you’re feeling at an all time low. Can you reinvent a little fun and excitement into your life?
Five dogs. That’s a lot in one house. Can you just accept the old man for what and who he is? And start having fun with the dogs instead. Spend loads of time with them; walking, grooming, cuddles, games and, oh dear, fives loads of poo to clear up. You’ll get so much love, gratitude and affection from them. It’s so rewarding. You want have time to get upset that you’re husband is selfish and boring.
Sometimes life is overwhelming. 😉 Good luck

Specs Sun 21-Apr-19 22:30:58

wot. Punctuation. Lack of punctuation is called ‘stream of consciousness ‘. You just get your thoughts out. The Dubliners by James Joyce was written in that style.

BradfordLass72 Mon 22-Apr-19 00:21:23

I do wonder why so many persons who have already posted here, haven't worked out that this is NOT about TV shows.

It's the last straw after 21 years of living with a man so petty that he cannot even share this little bit of leisure, or care about his wife.

The poster is desperate to have some life of her own and doesn't know how to leave her beloved 5 dogs.

I'm amazed that in a Council property she is allowed even one dog, it's certainly taboo where I live.

However, the fact that she is a Council resident is slightly hopeful because they are dealing with broken marriages all the time and the need for separate accommodation.
I'd guess the waiting lists are a mile long but they often help to facilitate moving to private rentals.
It may well be that they suggest HE moves and leaves the OP in residence with her dogs.

Eloethan Mon 22-Apr-19 00:21:41

I think the TV issue is just a symptom of an increasingly discordant marriage.

My feeling is that getting a TV and watching it in another room isn't really the answer. I expect the OP would like her partner to be a bit less self-absorbed and more companionable.

Anyway, she's fed up and I think it is a bit high handed of people to tell her she shouldn't be or that she should just put up with it.

Vauxhall58 Mon 22-Apr-19 08:05:28

Yes thank you for the positive comments yes I have had enough some of the comments on here were horrible I hope you never find yourself in this place. I guess I'll make my own decision regret putting on here now not much help at all just really heartless people

phoenix Mon 22-Apr-19 08:18:13

That's a bit unfair Vauxhall quite a few posters offered advice and sugggestions.

Grammaretto Mon 22-Apr-19 08:40:50

Very unfair. What response did you want?
We aren't all professional counsellors on here, just assorted grannies and others who mean well.
How about a trip to citizens advice?

sodapop Mon 22-Apr-19 08:56:10

Reading her posts again it does seem the Original Poster had her agenda and just wanted agreement. I thought her comments were unfair too.

BlueBelle Mon 22-Apr-19 09:07:14

Well I certainly didn’t say anything horrible I gave you some practical advice I m not sure what you call horrible ?

If you have asked before ( I don’t remember it) and still in the same situation then this isn’t the way to go Vauxhall
If you are depressed or feeling totally pipped off with your husband and there is nothing more to it make an appointment to see a doctor or a counsellor, if you are lonely find a way to integrate with others, even just chatting when taking the dogs for a walk if it’s really about TV programmes buy another one
Write yourself a for and against list and decide if you love him enough to be in this situation for the rest of your life or are staying because a) it’s convenient, b) the dogs c) you’re scared of change
Nothing changes unless you make the changes I m sorry if you don’t want to hear this but your husband of 21 years is quite happy in his little rut if you re not, then make some decisions
To call us heartless is really not good it’s pointless going ‘there there’
I do have empathy I stayed in a decidedly difficult marriage for far longer than I should (partly for the children but partly because I was scared of the big changes needed ) it is hugely difficult and scary but no one can do it for you
I truly wish you the best in your decision