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Is it over or just a blip?

(87 Posts)
Unwanted Tue 28-May-19 10:49:28

Hi

I don't know where else to go for advice as l don't have any friends to talk to. We have been married for almost 32 years and been together for 34 years.

The last few years have been really hard on both of us as our DD met someone and after a few months moved in with him and cut us off from her life. She stopped speaking to any of her friends too, not they liked he very much and like us thought he was too controlling. We have finally managed to pick ourselves up and try to get on with life as best we can but the pain is always there.

The last few months have been hard (not sure why) but this weekend made it worse. With it being Bank holiday l thought it would be nice to do something, perhaps go out for the day (I am at home this week and he is at work so will be looking at the same 4 walls all week as l don't have any transport to go out or anywhere to go) but OH had other ideas and that we should go shopping and we had things to do and this made me cross. I am not very good at voicing my views so kept quiet and all the while l was feeling lower and lower so after said shopping was done l just went to bed and stayed there out of his way.

He knows there is something wrong but l just can't tell him how l feel and just cry all the time.

There is nothing to keep me here (we have talked about moving away for years - really since everything happened but that doesn't look likely) and l feel like just packing a bag and going (not sure where because l haven't got anywhere to go). I am so lonely and don't know what to do.

What would you do?

crazyH Tue 28-May-19 11:02:36

Yes Unwanted, you can be lonely in a crowd....and what's lonelier than an unhappy marriage?
I don't like Bank Holidays.....they drag on. I'm divorced with 3 adult children, who do their own things and don't think of including me, probably because I'm not as agile as them.
But I did a bit of gardening, well, tidying up really, but the rain stopped me in my tracks and this morning , the borders worse than ever 😂- never mind

Gonegirl Tue 28-May-19 11:13:03

You must be missing your daughter terribly. I do feel for you.

I take it the shopping and going to bed was yesterday? Is there anywhere you can go today? Even if you have to go on your own, it will get you out of the house. If there are no events on locally at least going for a walk, perhaps by the river, or a park might help your mood.

I wouldn't be thinking about whether it is over or just a blip. Concentrate on today for now. Try to find a change of scenery, and perhaps a little something nice to eat. The important thing is getting out for a while.

Gonegirl Tue 28-May-19 11:16:38

Oops! I am getting confused! Today is Tuesday, not Bank Holiday Monday. That has gone. Ignore me.

I guess that could apply to a normal Tuesday though. smile

Gonegirl Tue 28-May-19 11:17:32

You can tell my Bank Holiday Monday was sparkling, can't you?!

Buffybee Tue 28-May-19 11:28:26

What I would try to do, is stand up for myself a bit more Unwanted. You should have stuck to your guns a bit more with having a relaxing day out on the Bank Holiday, instead of doing shopping, as you husband insisted on doing.
You mentioned that you have no friends to confide in, have you thought of maybe joining things or doing things without your husband so that you might meet other people?
Even though you don't have transport of your own, you could still get around by bus, train, coach etc.
So while you are at home this week, get out on your own, go to the coast and have fish and chips and an ice-cream, or get out into the country side for a walk, maybe go to a Museum in your nearest City.
Don't sit there looking at the four walls.
Live a little.

Mamissimo Tue 28-May-19 11:50:54

I think you need to talk to him! How can he compromise and fit more with your ideas if he doesn’t know what’s wrong?

He will be hurting too and trying to deal with your family situation and may be very unhappy himself. You both are missing your DD and I think you may be missing each other!

Pick a time when you’re feeling calm and ask him how he is and explain how you feel and what you would like the pair of you to do. If you don’t ask you don’t get!

EllanVannin Tue 28-May-19 11:52:05

Get out to the shops----with a few bob to hand. Always did the trick with me and it's surprising where the time goes especially if you stop for a snack somewhere or get some M&S sandwiches and head for a quiet spot.
A bus out of town too by way of a change.

GillT57 Tue 28-May-19 11:58:25

Perhaps your husband is as baffled and upset by your daughter's behaviour as you are, and it can be more difficult for me to talk about emotions and family matters. Instead of pulling apart, why not try working together to get over this (hopefully temporary) situation you find yourselves in? What about a compromise of say, shopping in the morning and then taking yourselves out for a spot of lunch later? Or buying something nice for lunch and eating it, together, in the garden? Don't let this ghastly person that your daughter has hooked up with spoil your relationship with your husband.

FlexibleFriend Tue 28-May-19 12:09:56

You sound thoroughly fed up and that's not the time to evaluate your life and relationship. Make small changes, there's no reason why you can't plan ahead and do something on your next day off. Your OH might be as fed up as you, yeah shopping needs to be done but it's hardly a day out. Talk to him, say you feel fed up and stuck in a rut and would like to do something different for a change. Plan a drive out into the country for a walk and lunch out it's not ground breaking but might liven you up a bit. You daughter has moved on but she may well make contact again in the future but you can't put your life on hold until she does. So start concentrating on the one who's still there, can you think of something he'd like to do with you and start talking to each other.

sodapop Tue 28-May-19 12:22:47

I agree with Mamissimo talk to your husband even though it may be painful for you both. You need to be honest about how you feel and how you can make things better. I think its the wrong time to consider leaving whilst you are both so upset.
Flexiblefriend is right, plan some outings and treats for yourselves and get on with your lives, hopefully your daughter will get in touch before too long.

HildaW Tue 28-May-19 12:25:12

Unwanted, I might be jumping to conclusions so I apologise if I offend but quickly reading your post one thing stood out to me. Regardless of the facts you related you really struck a chord with my own experiences. You sound very down and sad, dare I say depressed.
When everything around you seems to feel against you and you cannot see any joy in the world then regardless of the loss of contact of your daughter (which must be so painful, almost grief at a loss in your life) I think you might need some professional help or support. When you spoke of going to bed because you could not cope...that was so familiar to me and its something I've done.
Nowadays many Drs surgeries are geared up to cope with depression and anxiety in all its shades and variations and a chat with your Doctor may open the doors to some gentle support. Feeling in a rut and just not seeing any reason to carry on with a marriage is desperately sad and to be honest not uncommon.
Not being able to talk to those closest to us is also part of the problem, I found I was quite unable to explain how I felt to my husband but once I had talked to a support service it gave me the chance to open up to him. He, bless him, had not really understood what I was going through but now understand me better. I do hope I've not upset you but your post took me back to quite a dark place. I do hope things improve for you.

3dognight Tue 28-May-19 12:47:20

I feel for you, I really do. Sometimes not getting through to your other half what's really going on in your mind can cause frustration and eat away at your confidence.

I don't advise this, but I did it maybe twice in seventeen years - I had an absolute meltdown in front of my hubby, I screamed and sobbed alternatively till I got my message across. He stood and listened, I calmed down, and then we talked properly. ( the reason for it was I was desperate for a new cooker, and a new fridge, the ones I had were over twenty years old, and did not work properly, in fact were down right useless and dangerous.). As I said I don't advise, but it did make us talk about the issue, my hubby is a man who insists things have to 'break' first before we buy new. Anyway within days we had a new cooker and fridge freezer.
There may have to be a meltdown again in about six or seven years, I hope not though, as I am such a calm and happy person normally.

I also think don't sit inside looking at your walls, do something, anything to take you slightly out of your comfort zone? It will give a boost to your confidence levels, then you can build on that.

I do hope there will come a time for reconciliation with your daughter.

Sara65 Tue 28-May-19 13:47:49

Don’t do anything rash, you sound so unhappy, it’s probably tempting to walk away from it all, but don’t be hasty.

We had a similar situation with one of our daughters, and it totally devastated my husband, naturally, I felt the same, but she was his little girl, and he found it very hard to bear.

Luckily we were, and still are able to talk about it, and although the situation with our daughter, is better than it was, it sure isn’t great!

He may just be coping the best way he knows how, persevere, and eventually he may open up.

In the meantime, I know it’s horrible for you

Liz46 Tue 28-May-19 14:31:53

Some good advice, especially from HildaW.

I hope things improve for you Unwanted.

BBbevan Tue 28-May-19 14:47:57

Do you have a bus pass? If so go to somewhere you have never been before. Have an adventure. Someone nearly always speaks to you on a bus. You will feel much better for a day away

Nellie098 Tue 28-May-19 15:14:02

I can sympathise as, although we are retired, my DH is out every day and I am left on my own. However I have found classes to go to but they don't fill the whole day. If you are really stuck for transport have you thought about getting a second hand bike? Good exercise, economical. Could you take driving lessons to eventually drive your DH to work one day and pick him up later? Could you go on a day coach trip somewhere on your own? You may have to pay for a taxi to get to point A. Have you looked at the community page on Gumtree for your area to see what is happening? If interested in gardening could you get an allotment near you? Of course you will have up and down days and it is so hard to be motivated on a down day but plan just one thing to do like some baking, reading a book, going for a walk, have a coffee out somewhere, Have a list of places you want to go and things you want to do and ask your DH to agree to at least one and hold him to it. I leave my husband a note where he can see it every day to remind him. It is very hard having no friends and just as hard to make any if you are not an outgoing person and most days I, like you, feel lonely but that's life.

Elvive Tue 28-May-19 16:25:57

I don't think this is a case of keep yourself busy/go shopping. I suggest a trip to the GP and some counselling.

So sorry you are feeling this way.

Daisymae Tue 28-May-19 19:57:05

I would think that you need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He cannot possibly read your mind and may have suggested shopping to cheer you up. Plan something and run it by him, you may find he needs jogging along too. Visiting the GP is probably a good idea too. Living on your own may not be a bowl of cherries either.

Greciangirl Wed 29-May-19 10:16:33

Here on Gransnet, some of us regularly meet up for coffee mornings. Depending on where you live, I’m sure if you emailed the head office, they would be able to put you in touch with your local group.
Just to get out and talk to like minded women is a real boost I find. And I’m sure that would help you a great deal if you were able to do that.

pce612 Wed 29-May-19 10:23:18

Hello, Unwanted. If you can't tell him, write it all down and hand it to him.
I felt like you and we split up; when I told him why he said that he didn't realise how I was feeling and said sorry. We got back together and it is so much better now.
Is his job holding you to where you live? Perhaps you could look for another house within commuting distance. Do you drive? If not, consider taking lessons.
Go and see your GP and explain how you feel, he may be able to help.

Gingergirl Wed 29-May-19 10:24:32

Hi, is the crux of this the lack of contact with your daughter? Could you take some measures to get in touch again? This may help....but also, its easy isnt it to identify greatly with our children...why wouldn’t we....but eventually as they fly the nest, we do have to carve out a life for ourselves...maybe if you could focus in those two aspects, things might improve for you? All the best.

JacquiG Wed 29-May-19 10:26:51

Is your DD's partner a control freak? Is he making her give up all contacts outside him and whatever he deems suitable for her? I've heard of several instances of this. Does she have a mobile phone you can use to make sure she is OK at least?

As for yourself, might be an idea to see your GP and see if you are suffering from depression, get your vitamin D levels checked and make sure those are sufficient, then pluck up courage to talk to husband. He might be suffering too. Of course, it could just be grumpy old man syndrome. Another way of controlling how we women behave towards them.

Suggest some interests and hobbies, too. Do you have internet? Seems so. Do you have an unrequited love of Egyptology, Tudor social history, petit point, political campaigning? Do you know the species of insects, plants, trees in your garden? Get something of your very own.

And good luck. Lots of good advice above. My suggestions only reiterate them.

Whingingmom Wed 29-May-19 10:38:05

I also think you might be more than just feeling down, which is understandable given your circumstances. Is there anyone you can talk to? GP or nurse practitioner, spiritual or religious leader? Some areas have self referral psychology/counselling services which might offer you some coping strategies. Hope this helps OP.

VRH1 Wed 29-May-19 10:38:21

Some really good advice for you on here Unwanted. Most saying the same thing- you have to be proactive. No transport is not good if you live in the sticks. Have you heard of U3A? It’s called the University of the Third Age. It’s basically local interest groups. Have a google and see if you’ve got one locally. If you can’t face talking to your husband about the way you feel, could you write it down instead? I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I have 7 children, and two of my sons have fallen out with me. I honestly don’t let it bother me. No one is going to live your life for you. Only you know what makes you happy. Write down a bucket list of things you want to do. If you suspect your low mood is not going to lift do an online self referral to the well-being service. Good luck and hope you come back and tell us what positive things you’ve done for yourself.