Lost friendship - but continuing relationship necessary

I dont think you will necessarily be "brought together" via your grandson. He's a long way off getting married and that may not be an all extended family affair!

But its sad when separation does this. I am still "family" with a few ex in laws so its a shame when it goes the other way. I guess there's nothing you can do when it does

Maybe she too feels the same as you do ? Just carry on as before even though it's strained but at least it will show that it hasn't affected your own personal friendship with the mother-in-law. The ball is in her court as to whether she picks up on your natural ability to carry on as before without anything coming between the friendship. Friends who are close enough can usually sense " embarrassing " moments and will swiftly resolve them for the sake of the friendship.

Yes, difficult, but not impossible as time goes on during visits to your grandson. Try and carry on as you were.

If you both get on well, as people/friends, regardless of any family connections that may have been lost or changed, then why shouldn't that relationship continue?

I appreciate that the change in circumstances for some family members could be awkward, but perhaps you can leave that aside and have a friendship on a different level?

Sending you all every good wish.

Perhaps family events may include birthday parties, school plays, sports days etc, not just a far in the future possible wedding, notanan.

Presumably something happened between them that has made her bitter towards your son, Indi, but how sad that shs has decided that is the end of your friendship too.

Could you send her a letter, explain that you are not taking sides, you don't know what happened, tell her how much you valued her friendship and could you maintain a cordial relationship for the sake of your grandson?

Sorry, IndyBecki (sp)

Your grandson is the one who matters and he is old enough to start noticing any frostiness. I hope she will realise that.

Shame isn’t it, my youngest and husband are parting I ve no idea what he’s told his parents but nothing good obviously, as this last Christmas I got no greetings from them after 18 years We weren’t close like you as we all live in different countries but I used to send them photos of the grandkids when I d been to visit and always Christmas cards small present etc did the same this time but nothing. Bitterness isn’t attractive
When I split with my ex husband 40 odd years ago I have stayed friendly with all his huge family they still invite me to all family dos and treat me as one of them, I like that it’s how it should be

Perhaps family events may include birthday parties, school plays, sports days etc, not just a far in the future possible wedding, notanan.

Its not common for all extended family to attemd those things

It could be that your DIL's mother (your friend) now has no time for your son, and by association, you.

That is sad, but I imagine her daughter's version of events may not paint your son in a good light if their parting was acrimonious.

Time will tell if your friendship continues. Right now, her daughter is her concern, even though in-laws do best not to take sides.

Don't force it. It is a shame but you both have to want the friendship to continue, A bond has been broken. Just enjoy your grandchild. It could be that family events concerning him are now split now, with son and DIL arranging separate birthday events, etc. (That is better for all concerned than an icy gathering in which the ice can be cut, isn't it?)

The main thing is your son recovers and his child maintains a loving relationship with you. Don't try to mend other fences, because it isn't fair right now on your son or DIL who may want lots of distance between them. It's not your job to do any in-law mediation.

the atmosphere can be cut...

it's not common for all extended family to attend those things

Perhaps not in your world, notanan, but most people we know do.
Do you really mean to say that the only time you would see a 6 year old grandchild's other grandparents would be at his wedding?

Surely not!

If you both get on well, as people/friends, regardless of any family connections that may have been lost or changed, then why shouldn't that relationship continue?

But indy has said that her son’s MiL no longer speaks to her.

Indy it’s a really sad situation and I feel for you. But you’re being the better person here.
I think I would write to this woman and say how much you valued her friendship in the past, how saddened you are by the break up of DS and DiL’s marriage, and how you hope that you can maintain a friendship in spite of this, not only because you value the friendship but for your grandson’s sake too.

If that doesn’t get a response I’m afraid you’ll have to just maintain your dignity and move on.

I agree Callistemon. When we go to the US to see DS & DiL & family, her parents always come over and we visit them too. The grandchildren love us being all together.

*Perhaps not in your world, notanan, but most people we know do.
Do you really mean to say that the only time you would see a 6 year old grandchild's other grandparents would be at his wedding?*

Ive been to a gazillion kids parties and once they are school age, most people dont invite family to the school friends parties! There are usually separate "family" catch ups for birthdays which arent necessarily both sides combined.

I have also been to dozens of sports days. Have never seen a whole extended family at one ever having put a couple of kids through a couple of schools. Sometimes there is a grandparent or two if the parents cant make it, but thats it.

Sure you may see the other side's ILs ocassionally if everyone happens to get along, but the OP is worried about them being awkwardly forced together, and I cant see why they would be!

Babies and toddlers often do have extended family at their parties but not once school age.

Much nicer to have a relaxed birthday tea with rellies another day than to try to host people at soft play etc whilst watching 30 "dump and run" 7 year olds! Thats why most people do it that way these days

I think as notanan says you’ll probably find that you attend fewer events as an extended family as he gets older anyway - and obviously with the split that will be the case anyway. It’s such a shame that you both can’t stay friendly (if not friends) and I think the previous suggestion of writing a letter to her is a good one.

I’ve been thinking about this a little more and my heart aches for your little GS, indy.
His world is shattered.
You and the other grandmother could provide a united front and be a focus of stability for him - perhaps you could get her to see it that way. Good luck.

When families break up, it's the innocent in the firing line....poor darlings ?

You and the other grandmother could provide a united front and be a focus of stability for him
well said janea

I do hope that she will respond if you reach out to her, Indy especially if you were good friends before all this happened.
What has happened is not the responsibility of either of you - or of your DGS.

My son had a nasty break up - and yes it was a bit difficult when we had to meet the other grandparents. Naturally they "sided" with their daughter and there is nothing wrong with that.

These days my son and his ex hold separate birthday parties so we don't have to see the other family at all. I see the grandchildren a lot , but on my own . I go to school events too - the other family don't so we really never see them.

As time goes on, you just work things out so everyone sees the little boy at different times. In our case I don't think the children are aware that there is a breach between us - they just know that Grandma and Grandad go to different events than Nan and Poppy do.

As you say the break up was recent, I suspect your friend is going through a bit of a crisis and wondering if it would be disloyal to stay friends with you.
She may also feel guilty and/or not know what to say to you.

Give it time.

We often get too worked up too soon about some things and if we are just a little patient, things work themselves out once the emotion is not so raw.

Agreeing with BL72 the parents of your DIL do not know how they will be responded to so I would leave it a while and consider writing a short note saying you would like to stay in touch.

I would write her a note saying how sad the break up is, stress that you don't know any details (none of your business, no apportioning of blame etc) but that you value her friendship and hope that the friendship will remain intact. Invite her to meet up for coffee and see if she accepts. If she doesn't there's nothing you can do about it. If she accepts make it a public place to avoid any recriminations re break up.

When a similar parting of the ways happened in our family I decided to cut all ties with the other parents. They must have felt the same as there has never been an attempt to contact us either. They had been staying with us for the week prior to "the announcement" and I still believe they knew of the situation then

Give it time& keep lines of communication open. Send birthday card etc. It took a while for all parties to settle when my son & wife split. They are now best friends & families OK again too.