Gransnet forums



(35 Posts)
Sevenup Sat 17-Aug-19 13:08:06

Does anyone else get ‘told off’ for taking along occasional (I mean occasional) treats for grandchildren or their parents?
I’m told I’m TOO generous, should not keep treating etc .....?
I’m nursing hurt feelings and wondering whether this is about control

Jane10 Sat 17-Aug-19 13:13:01

I don't think so. Parents have to set boundaries so children know what's what. It's not fair of you to just decide to override them. Ask in advance if there's some sort of treat you could bring.

paddyann Sat 17-Aug-19 13:25:44

Think back to when yours were that age,would you have wanted your mother bringing treats or did you have your own rules in place?

MissAdventure Sat 17-Aug-19 13:37:25

I used to get told off for pulling 'a sympathetic face' when the kids got told off. grin

merlotgran Sat 17-Aug-19 13:41:07

We used to let the grandparents bring as many treats as they liked.

Kept the little blighters darlings happy.

Win Win! grin

Riverwalk Sat 17-Aug-19 13:51:50

Who's doing the criticizing, as you say you also take treats for the parents?

Day6 Sat 17-Aug-19 13:52:43

One of our grandchildren has four sets of grandparents. To say she is spoiled by them is an understatement.

We love indulging her but hope we spoil her with love rather than material things and her Mummy likes it that when she stays with us, the same rules as her home ones apply. The GC bring us so much pleasure though that we hope all their time spent with us is good, happy, and fun and will give them a memory store for when they are older and leading their own teenage lives.

We pull out all the stops to have fun times, much more so than when our own children were young. Being so busy as parents was all about parenting 24/7 whereas being a grandparent is so different, isn't it?

Jane10 Sat 17-Aug-19 13:57:02

I agree about fun times. That the best thing that grandparents have to offer - time. Time to listen, to read stories, to play endless games, to teach new things etc etc. That's what stays in GCs minds long afterwards. Sweets, toys etc not so much.

GoodMama Sat 17-Aug-19 13:59:35

Hi Sevenup, can you provide a little more information?

merlotgran Sat 17-Aug-19 14:05:39

Sometimes 'too generous' should be taken as a compliment.

Cabbie21 Sat 17-Aug-19 14:13:38

If your treats are undermining the parents’ wishes eg sweets, then it is time to change tack.
For example, I rarely give treats, but at Easter it was a £1 egg and tickets for a day at the climbing centre, which met with approval all round.
This summer I have sewn lots of name tapes on new school uniforms. That is my contribution, cost me nothing but saved their mum lots of time and hopefully keeps them from losing kit at school.
When they come to my house I offer something from the treats box but they never take more than one. Well brought up, healthy grandchildren.
The other lot of GC have always been over- indulged, and I never get a thank you for anything I give them, which seems paltry in comparison with what they have already got. So I might not bother any more.
Every family is different.

MissAdventure Sat 17-Aug-19 14:16:36

I never really allowed anyone to give my daughter treats when she was small, because she was a picky eater, and I wanted to enforce the idea that if you don't eat dinner you won't get sweets to fill up on.

With regards to other treats, I quite simply didn't want an over indulged child.

Pantglas1 Sat 17-Aug-19 14:19:41

I never bought sweets for my daughter apart from an egg at Easter as her grandparents turned up once a fortnight with sweets for her which was fine by me. She’s in her late thirties now and still doesn’t have any fillings so occasional treats don’t do a lot of harm.

Jane10 Sat 17-Aug-19 15:26:22

Treats that parents have asked you not to give DGCs may harm your relationship with the parents though.

Pantglas1 Sat 17-Aug-19 16:11:30

Of course Jane10 - if they’re that sort of parent. I wasn’t as I knew a quiet word when something serious was at stake would sort it. In turn, I’ve always checked before treating my grandchildren to see if parents are ok with it.

Daisymae Sat 17-Aug-19 16:22:02

I think that the op is referring to a DH or partner?

Hithere Sat 17-Aug-19 16:32:30

It is not about control. It is about parents wanting their kids to eat a healthy diet, being able to eat lunch/dinner, etc.

There are so many ways to bond with a gc that do not break the parents' rules

midgey Sat 17-Aug-19 16:45:10

Perhaps they are worried that you are spending too much of your scarce resources on them. Don’t be hurt, they may be worried about you!

lemongrove Sat 17-Aug-19 16:47:21

It all the ‘oh dear, you are too generous’ comment just being polite, or do they really feel you are pushing the boat out a bit too often?
We often give small treats, edible or books/ stickers / comics etc and have never felt any disapproval from any quarter.
If you know that the parents prefer you not to give sweets there are other options.
A lot of children these days have far too much anyway, which is a shame as grandparents can never spoil them.

FarNorth Sat 17-Aug-19 16:51:29

Maybe they genuinely believe you are too generous and that you can't really spare the money for all the treats you give - especially as you say you give to your adult children also.

They probably want you to know that they are delighted to see you, without gifts.

lemongrove Sat 17-Aug-19 17:01:06

Thinking MIL used to always have some sweets for our children and gave them the moment they got in the door, with the result that they always looked for them in the first few minutes instead of being pleased to see Grandma ( and came to expect treats as their due!)
I remember thinking it would have been better to give them as we left the house instead.
I also remember ( with fondness, haha) various Uncles shelling out a half crown to me as they left after a visit.

crazyH Sat 17-Aug-19 17:03:28

Yes, I have been told not to take toys/chocs everytime I visit, which is once or twice a week .....

Pantglas1 Sat 17-Aug-19 17:24:15

I think most parents wouldn’t want their children to eat sweets every day whatever the source but if it’s only every couple of weeks from a loving grandparent - then it’s pretty harmless.

I too remember the odd half a crown Lemongrove - a very rare treat. More usually a silver sixpence and even the lovely threepenny bit was a treasure!

sodapop Sat 17-Aug-19 17:26:51

I know we want to treat our grandchildren and see them happy but if other grand parents are doing the same thing it can be too much. I also think like FarNorth they would be happy to see us without treats every time. I made a point of never treating my children or grandchildren in the same way. Sometimes one of them had a treat sometimes another, I dislike it when its an expectation. I remember taking my grandson to the toyshop once and saying he could pick something from the pocket money range, he replied no its ok I don't need anything today thank you. Sadly he grew out of that as he got older smile

SueDonim Sat 17-Aug-19 18:28:12

It's best to ask the parents first. I've never bought any of my GC sweets or chocolate, it hasn't really crossed my mind, tbh. I check first if I see toys they might like, as I don't always know what they have already. It seems to work well, no one has complained.