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Lost some confidence with my son

(111 Posts)
Alexa Sat 17-Aug-19 14:16:46

He sternly lectured me and although I agreed with him I was sad about his unfriendly tone, and I felt really put down. He compared me unfavourably with his daughter.

I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad. I think maybe the best thing to do is to let it all settle down . But there will be awkward silences if I cannot tell him in my news case I get another put-down.

paddyann Sat 17-Aug-19 14:23:14

My husband does this with his mother,To be fair she comes out with some horrible racist remarks,thanks to her friendship with a man none of us like .She was never racist before he came along and my OH finds it really rattles him snd he tells her off.
I dont like it .I wouldn't say anything except maybe give her some FACTS which are usually sadly lacking in her comments .I'm sorry you feel you cant tell him your news ,thats clearly unacceptable ,but maybe just editing out things he may find difficult/offensive would solve the problem.Good luck with him,hope it gets sorted for you .

tanith Sat 17-Aug-19 14:25:48

Sounds a bit of a bully to me what gives him the right to speak to his mother in that manner and compare you to a child. Tell him your news and if it seems another lecture is forthcoming tell him not to speak to you like that and walk away till he cools down.
My son wouldn’t dream of lecturing me and if he attempted to I’d tell him him where to go I’m afraid.

EllanVannin Sat 17-Aug-19 14:26:17

Arrogance isn't nice at the best of times but when it's your own son it's even worse. My brother was like towards mum and when I witnessed it I came down on him like a ton of bricks and asked him who would be next in line when mum was no longer around. It's tantamount to bullying, horrible.

Day6 Sat 17-Aug-19 14:33:57

One of my sons is very clever and at times I have to remind me not to lecture me. He can be a bit over-bearing at times and critical in conversations if his views differ from mine.

Fortunately, we can agree to disagree. I am probably as bad in that I hold my ground. I think rather than falling out (because we never do) it's just a battle of wills sometimes.

I suspect some may think we argue, but we don't.

I know how you feel Alexa. It's the stern tone. I feel the same way if I am on the end of disparaging remarks, and I know my friends with AC often say they get lectures because all of a sudden their children 'know best'.

Even though you feel hurt I would carry on as usual as you don't want this one episode to ruin your relationship. flowers

glammanana Sat 17-Aug-19 14:38:53

Tell him your news and don't be afraid of his possible unfriendly tone,who has given him the right to speak to you like this and show such disrespect to his mother,mine would never do this and if they tried they would be out the door short shrift until their manners improved.

GoodMama Sat 17-Aug-19 14:43:23

Alexa, I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. That is never fun.

Since you agreed with your son on his point, but not his delivery perhaps let it go this one time.

You didn’t explain what he lectured you about, so it’s hard to offer any insight there. However, you did say it was in regard to “your news” so it does (from the outside) look like he might have crossed a line.

My advice would be to continue with your relationship and tell him your news. If he does it again be firm. You can tell him he is welcome to disagree but he should watch his tone. If he doesn’t you can end the conversation then and there and tell him when he’s ready to communicate with you respectfully you will continue the conversation.

Don’t let him put you down. You and he are peers. You are an adult and no one (not even family) is allowed to speak to you rudely.

Is this new behavior from him?

Harris27 Sat 17-Aug-19 14:49:06

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I feel that he should be pulled next time he speaks to you like this. I have three sons and would not be happy to be spoken to like this. My eldest son has his own company doing very well and sometimes tells me what I should do I'm 59 hold down a nice respectable job with children and wouldn't let him away with any unhappy tone. I always remind him who he is talking to and he soon shuts up!!!

Mossfarr Sat 17-Aug-19 14:52:30

from the other perspective.....

I often have to tell my Mum off. She has developed an unhealthy obsession with other peoples weight and will come out with the most inappropriate remarks about it - very loudly!

When we meet up with family or friends that we haven't seen for a while she will say things like " wow you've piled it on since I last saw you" or my god, you've gone fat haven't you", she does it every time.

My brother and SIL who are both "very large build" hate family get togethers because she always embarrasses them with the things she says.

When we are going anywhere I now have to warn her not to make comments about peoples weight. After all, nobody needs to be told that they've put weight on do they?

Harris27 Sat 17-Aug-19 15:02:56

Mossfarr you so remind me of dmil who has gone oh god what an open mind she had and mouth to match. Of course she was perfect and didn't like it returned! Always told my hubbybp he'd put weight on then smiled smugly because she could say anything because she was his mother!!

sodapop Sat 17-Aug-19 15:05:51

We are not entitled to respect just for being a parent, we have to earn it. Sounds like it was not what your son said rather the way he said it Alexa I would be taking him to task about that perhaps, its a shame you don't feel able to share your news with him. You need to tell him that's how he made you feel. People don't always realise how they are coming across.

Hithere Sat 17-Aug-19 15:10:17

May i ask what your ds lecture you about?
In general and feel free to disclose no details if you do not feel comfortable, what are the news you are scared of telling him?

Tonk Sat 17-Aug-19 15:18:30

I’ve sternly lectured my mother in the past BUT only after speaking to her nicely & politely had failed several times. Sometimes it’s the only way to get someone to listen & realise the seriousness of a situation. If she has listened to me & actually paid attention to what I was saying the first several times, it never would have come to that.

FarNorth Sat 17-Aug-19 16:43:59

Alexa maybe it would be worth mentioning this one time to him, as you did actually agree with him but disliked his overbearing tone.

As you were in agreement with him, it shouldn't open up an argument but just let him know how you felt about the way he spoke.

Would he speak to any other adult in the same way?

lemongrove Sat 17-Aug-19 16:55:47

That’s very upsetting for you Alexa we don’t need lectures from our AC at any time.Do you think that he imagined he was helping you in some way? Men often have a Mr Fix It hat on when talking of problems, whereas women often simply want a bit of sympathy.
If not, let it go this time, but don’t allow it to become a pattern with him, and if you have to share some news ( that he won’t like) then you have to simply tell him, but pick the best moment when he is relaxed?

Alexa Sat 17-Aug-19 16:58:16

GoodMama, it was his delivery that hurt my feelings. His daughter is a grown up young woman who is almost perfect in every way.

I'll tell you what it was about. I bought a jumper from an ebay seller that was not as described. Instead of contacting the seller first I left negative feed back. My son was quite correct I should not have done this. Then instead of returning the jumper for refund which ebay granted (about £15 if I remember) I sent it to the charity shop as I couldn' be bothered packing and posting it.

It was his delivery as you said, GoodMama. He was really annoyed with me and at some length.

Alexa Sat 17-Aug-19 16:59:38

Far North, that's good advice. I will keep it very brief. I think he sometimes talks to his wife like this but never to daughter.

GoodMama Sat 17-Aug-19 17:53:10

Alexa, I have to be honest, you son was way out of line. To scold and lecture you about something so trivial.

I don't mean to diminish your frustration with the ebay seller, that is a pain, to have to ship it back.

But your son is in no place to speak down to you in regards to such a thing. A simple "That's too bad, mom. I'm sure the jumper was lovely. Perhaps there will be another you like somewhere else".

How hard would that have been for him to say?

If he speaks down to his wife as well, shame on him. I'm sure he believes his daughter can do no wrong because he raised her to be and think like him.

I would stop him mid sentence next time he felt in a position to lecture me about anything. Converse? Yes. Offer a productive alternative solution? Yes. Talk down to you and make you feel inferior? NO!

Hithere Sat 17-Aug-19 18:36:18

Sounds like your son overreacted.

BlueBelle Sun 18-Aug-19 06:35:58

If your son talks to you like that then he probably has a dictatorial manner with all, it is probably his way especially if you think he’s like it with his wife too
Maybe best not to share so much with him in future Is he is in a senior position or managerial role at work some men (maybe women too) bring it home with them and forget who they are talking too
Don’t take it to heart it sounds as if it’s ‘his way’

Ginny42 Sun 18-Aug-19 07:04:28

Occasionally my DD 'tells me off' over matters like e.g' not eating at the right time and then saying I feel faint, which is fair enough. Other times she can be a bit bossy and I make a joke of it saying, 'I'm old enough to be your mother you know!' I wouldn't like to be spoken to in a high-handed manner, but perhaps your son didn't like you being taken advantage of.

PECS Sun 18-Aug-19 07:25:00

I thought your news was going to be a major issue! Not just that you wasted £15 on a jumper you did not like or that did not suit you! Sounds like a bit of a drama over not much. Your son probably is trating you like an equal adult..expecting you to be big enough to hear his opinion. If he was rude or abusive then not acceptable but if he just expressed his opinion, adult to adult then no problem in my book.

janeainsworth Sun 18-Aug-19 07:53:10

I agree PECS. I imagined the ‘news’ to be some life-changing catastrophe.
Alexa My son wouldn’t be the least bit interested in the fact that I’d bought a sweater I didn’t like, or any other item of clothing for that matter confused

Maggiemaybe Sun 18-Aug-19 08:25:50

He was really annoyed with me and at some length and lectured me sternly

I actually think the fact that this was about something so trivial, that really was none of his business, is what makes it unacceptable. If he had been pulling her up on the sort of behaviour mentioned earlier (racism, commenting on other people’s weight) it would have been more understandable.

PECS Sun 18-Aug-19 08:46:15

We are hearing one perspective! Maybe son's version is different. Alexa may have complained/ mentioned that money is tight, she may have done similar before & moaned about it & been advised to be wary of ebay etc etc. We don't know. Or her son could just be an ill mannered lout.