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Trapped in a sad marriage

(46 Posts)
Camdengirl Tue 15-Oct-19 02:53:47

I'm new to posting & don't really know what I'm asking but I read all your replies to other posts & you are such a wise bunch so here goes....
I have had a very difficult marriage due to my hushands lack of affection & general disregard for my feelings.
I have just recently discovered (again!!!! It has happened many times in our relationship) that although he has no interest in any kind of intimacy with me, he is still interested in women.... I was devastated.... again!!!!! He is not having an affair.....
Why don't I just leave? .... I'm trapped.... A long, long story very short... I am full time carer for my 5 yo granddaughter & this is her home. I have no money so can't look to working something out as cash would be needed.
To top it all, I'm in love with someone else & he with me... we are ex work colleagues & have known each other many years but did not like each other so it has come as a shock to both of us. He is single, with no ties as such.
How can I be devastated at my husband's lack of care when I want to be with someone else.... It's easy, I've loved my husband, still do & tried very, very hard for nearly 30 years to make our marriage work.
So... to sum up... Broken hearted in my marriage, trapped due to little granddaughter (the love of my life btw), no money, want to be with someone else...
I know that some may not approve of my love for the other man but be kind, I have been sad & lonely for many years.....
Can anyone see a way forward out of this because I can't see the wood for the trees & feel desperate.....

Sillygrandma5GK Tue 15-Oct-19 07:02:31

Oh Camdengirl I do feel for you. 30 years is a long long time. I do see your dilemma - the fact that your 5 year old DGD has her home with you will impact any decision you might otherwise make.

One thing that does slightly confuse me is that you say you still love your husband but also love the other man?

I wonder if you might be in a position to get some counselling, I've found it very helpful on a couple of occasions just to help me organise my thoughts and try and see a situation from different angles and perspectives.

Being sad and lonely for so long will have taken its toll on your mental, emotional and physical (and spiritual?) health. Perhaps consider seeing your GP and if anti-depressants are appropriate then that might give you some space in your head to think.

Whatever path you choose long term, it won't be easy, but (as one who has just walked away from a 20 year marriage) the freedom and joy of starting to become my own person is immeasurable.

Do get some help if you can. There will be lots of support and advice on here (and if it's not supportive - ignore it).

Thinking of you and hoping you find the strength to lift your head above the parapet and find a way forward. flowersflowers

Jane10 Tue 15-Oct-19 07:04:03

Focus on your little GD. She's the 'love of your life' after all. Presumably you're her full time carer because there's some sort of difficulty regarding her real parents. The last thing she'll need is Gran going off with someone else. Speak to your husband. Don't suffer in silence or lose yourself in romantic dreams.

EllanVannin Tue 15-Oct-19 08:13:17

I'm with Jane10 here. Children are so important and their futures matter most especially one who's reliant on your love and care. It can devastate a child if someone else appears in the equation.

travelsafar Tue 15-Oct-19 08:20:02

Not sure what age you are, but worth enquiring at local council about sheltered housing you may be eliagable and if you have no income you would be helped with claiming relevant benefits until you found employment. JUst a thought. I feel for you.sad

DanniRae Tue 15-Oct-19 08:25:52

Sorry no advice but flowers for you.
Danni x

Daisymae Tue 15-Oct-19 08:35:41

Well at 5 she's at school so there's the possibility of a part time job. If you really wanted to leave then you would find a way. The same may be said for this other man, who in different circumstances you didn't even like and now you have focused your energy on him. These could be distractions from the real issue which is of course the relationship between you and your husband. Your choice is to stay and concentrate on making your life better, or make a new life elsewhere. A part time job would give you an interest and more financial freedom, whatever you do. Only you can figure out what is the best course of action to take.

Harris27 Tue 15-Oct-19 08:38:43

You deserve happiness too if your sure about the other guy go for it and get some happiness.

CandleStick Tue 15-Oct-19 08:57:42

Thanks for being so honest – I see your dilemma, frustration and pain.

1. I also agree with Jane10.

2. Don't run off with someone else. . . try to forget about this additional man and focus on your marriage.

3. Speak with your husband or better still write him a letter (so he has time to read it multiple times to understand and process what you have to say).

In your letter,

Be honest to your husband. Make sure you tell him that you still love him - if that is still true.

Use a lot of "I" statements and suggest things you would like to happen

For example,

I would like us to have more intimacy in our marriage.

I would like us to hold hands when we . . .

I would like us to have a date night every week. Perhaps we could . . .

I love it when we do . . . could we do . . .

4. Perhaps you and your husband could plan a vow renewal service together with all your family with all the trimmings - and a second honeymoon trip.

5. Perhaps go to a marriage course. If there is not one run near you perhaps ask your local church to run a course.

6. Does your husband have any health problems that could be causing his lack of intimacy?

Camdengirl Tue 15-Oct-19 09:08:48

Thank you all so much... You have been very kind & supportive... I am going to think on all you have said... I'm grateful flowers

Morganrae Tue 15-Oct-19 10:25:40

I hope you get the answers you need. Wish I could be more helpful but I'm sure some wise people will guide you.

Menopauselbitch Tue 15-Oct-19 10:33:45

Sillygrandma5GK
What a lovely response and very wise words. I bet you make a lovely friend.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 15-Oct-19 10:41:24

Camdengirl.
Quote ,I am going to think about it etc etc
Question is but what are you going to do about it?
Before thinking why not 'DO' by obtaining professional guidance starting with Citizens Advice which is free and have those who will be used to dealing with your specific problems.

Guineagirl Tue 15-Oct-19 10:42:36

I agree with poster saying about silly grandma and her reply. We all need her as a friend, sadly they are hard to come by. X

Flakesdayout Tue 15-Oct-19 10:52:16

What an awful predicament but Im going to ask a silly question, why do you have no money? Are you not getting any child benefit or tax credits. Is your husband working and paying the bills etc and is he not allowing you access to any money? If your grand daughter is at school, maybe a part time job (in the school would be ideal as a 'dinner lady') that would work in with term times. I can fully understand about an unhappy relationship but try speaking to your husband. As for the other man in your life, be careful there as although you think there could be a relationship, the grass isn't always greener and you do have your grand daughter to consider. I do wish you well and hope everything works out well for you.

minxie Tue 15-Oct-19 11:07:12

If you’ve been miserable for 30 years, do you want to be miserable for another 30.
If there is absolutely no hope of your marriage improving then you need to improve your life yourself.
People are right your Granddaughter is important, but children pick up vibes from those around and can also be damaged by this.
So get as much advice as you can in setting up home without your husband and take your grandchild with you. Maybe there is financial and emotional support out there. You just need to find it

whywhywhy Tue 15-Oct-19 11:22:23

Camdengirl - I am so sorry that you are having to go through so much. Why do you have to have your grand child? Also just how old are you? Maybe this love of another man isn't as good as you think - grass being greener etc. Can you talk to you husband and let him know just how you feel, maybe he feels the same and just needs you to say something. I don't know what the answer is, sorry, but life is too short and why should you sacrifice anymore of it. I wasted too many years with a wife beater who I married when I was 18. We had two children and I stayed with him because of the children. Bad move. When they got older they said I should have left when they were young instead of 14 and 16. Hearing it from them made me sad. I thought I was doing the best for others. Now have a good think and maybe go it alone with your grand child as there will be state money you can claim until you get on your feet. Don't put up and shut up though - you will become ill and where would your grand child be then. Sending you love and you can PM me anytime.

Minshy Tue 15-Oct-19 11:23:12

Think long and hard about the pro’s and cons of any decision you may make.

This little girl has to be the priority here.

Is your unhappy home life impacting on her home life and well being ?

Will leaving for pastures new be better for her?

I would not be rushing into the arms of another man as it will not help things either short or long term.

Concentrate on your beautiful granddaughter and do what’s best for her.

Good luck

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Tue 15-Oct-19 11:27:39

Forget the other man for the moment (but not totally) and concentrate on getting you and your gd out of this marriage. I am about to finalise divorce from my oh after over 30 years. Scary and no money but I will get half the house and some of his pension and I work p/t so can manage, hopefully. Even if its a struggle its better than staying in a miserable marriage. As another poster said with dg at school you could possibly get pt job around school hours? Also as you are her ft carer yo should be entitled to some benefits/possible help with housing etc so might br worth a visit to local CAB for info. A miserable life will impact on your gd long term so better one happy carer than 2 miserable ones x

whywhywhy Tue 15-Oct-19 11:33:00

Also with your grand daughter you will be able to go higher on the housing association list for a house, just a thought. x

Treelover Tue 15-Oct-19 11:35:44

How about trying a new mindset - you are not 'trapped' nothing makes us want to scape more than when we feel we are trapped. never do you want to go out more than when we have to wait in for a delivery..
so how about thinking 'I am so blessed - I have the care of a 5 year old granddaughter I love, a husband, who is not having an affair and another man in the background who loves me...whoopee.'

DevilsDumplings Tue 15-Oct-19 11:43:34

I don’t have any advice to add CampdenGirl flowers

I would like to congratulate all the posters who have offered such wonderful and thoughtful advice, especially CandleStick flowers

Foxygran Tue 15-Oct-19 12:01:02

Hello Camdengirl,
I feel for you and you’re in a difficult place.
My advice would be to discuss the lack of affection etc with your husband and then, if you’re both willing, to go for counselling. You say that you still love him, so I feel it would be a mistake just to walk away.
Also, your Granddaughter is the love of your life, presumably of your husband’s as well? How will it all affect her?
See if you can salvage your marriage by talking it through x

Jools67 Tue 15-Oct-19 12:01:20

If you look after your granddaughter, she lives with you? The council would help as they are obliged to, if you look after a child. Break free, honestly it's for the best, I did and it was the best decision ever. Yes you need to work but it does give satisfaction and pride in looking after yourself. A better life is out there for you, as you don't sound happy xx

quizqueen Tue 15-Oct-19 12:13:03

People do work who have children, so you can try and find something to fit in with school times- dinner lady, dog walker, carer or similar? Also surely, your husband should be taking a turn in caring for his grandchild.

If your husband fancies other women, then agree to part or agree to an open relationship and then you can pursue the other man. If you do nothing, you will be here in future times saying the same things!