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Divorce at 66?

(44 Posts)
Mebster Sat 02-Nov-19 15:22:13

I've been married 33 years to a man who hasn't touched me in 25. He literally hasn't kissed or hugged me in a quarter century. He lives in a separate room and does almost nothing other than cutting grass. He only ever worked part time and we made the same amount.
I pay bills, manage household repairs, do all food shopping and cooking (though he often eats out alone). I'm scared to be completely alone but I'm tired of living with someone who won't contribute anything. He comes along on vacations but I have to do all the planning.

Tedber Sat 02-Nov-19 15:52:15

mebster. Could you let us know what YOU have been doing for a quarter of a century to change things. Have you just put up and shut up?

No wonder you are fed up but am amazed you haven’t done something about it before now? Maybe you were busy with work and children?

Tbh I doubt you will change the habits of a lifetime. From what you say your husband is nothing more than a free wheeling lodger! Some straight to the point talking ... I think.

Before you decide you should explore your options. For instance you can’t just throw your husband out of the house and you stay there. Can you afford to buy him out? If not then are you prepared to sell the house?

Personally I would be prepared to do anything to stop the situation, starting with telling him you are not going to put up with it a day longer, asking him for money to pay half the bills, not doing his cooking and washing! Maybe too late for a wake up call but who knows?

Good luck

Carenza123 Sat 02-Nov-19 16:04:14

What are you getting out of this relationship? Nothing, as far as I can tell! Even a lodger would be better than what you are getting now; help with the bills and some companionship. Everyone needs to feel loved and respected. He has lost respect and love for you if he isolates himself so much within your relationship. DO explore your options for the future and get good advice. Your future with this man is dismal. Only you can make the necessary changes. Life is too short to be treated like this!

glammanana Sat 02-Nov-19 16:07:51

I must agree with all Tedber has said but you have taken the first brave move by talking about it here on the forum well done you.
First and foremost get your finances into order pensions etc and bank accounts and all mortgage details with the records of what you have paid over the years.
Stop looking after him if you are cooking/washing/cleaning for him he deserves nothing from you.
Get into see a solicitor and take the first half free which they offer to new clients and look forward to starting the rest of your life without this hanger-on you will feel that much better when you are free from him.

glammanana Sat 02-Nov-19 16:09:09

^ half hour free ^ apologies.

FlexibleFriend Sun 03-Nov-19 12:04:09

Tbh you're already living on your own so no idea what it is you're afraid of. If he does as little as you say you're already prepared for life on your own. If divorce is what you want then investigate it properly and take steps to make it a reality.

timetogo2016 Sun 03-Nov-19 12:19:36

Agree with FlexableFriend 100%.
At least if you leave/divorce him you will have more money by not buying him any food etc.
Get out of this none-existing relationship and start a new happy life and let misery arse stay silent alone.

Harris27 Sun 03-Nov-19 13:25:17

You need your life back and you will have peace of mind if nothing else.

Sillygrandma5GK Sun 03-Nov-19 18:45:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nonogran Sun 03-Nov-19 19:51:14

Sounds like you're just his housekeeper or doormat even? I'd kick him into touch but not before you've got your ducks in a row and quietly, without fanfare, methodically got all your paperwork together which will help a solicitor advise you. How will it be if this man gets old and sick and dependent on you in later life? Will you lie on your death bed and have regrets that you've had no life other than devoting yourself to what amounts to his bachelor life with housekeeper benefits? Feel the fear and do it anyway. One door closes and another opens. Have courage and you go girl! You deserve more and believe me ... I know!

Eloethan Sun 03-Nov-19 20:04:28

I think I would find it lonely and depressing to be married to and live with someone who has completely no interest in me, who has a life quite separate from my own and who does virtually nothing in the home. Even more lonely than actually being on my own. I would also feel permanently stressed and annoyed.

Maybe you should get some legal advice and start to make arrangements to live your life apart from this man. Even if it means some sacrifices have to be made with regard to finances and housing, if it's at all doable to strike out on your own, I think you may well feel much happier.

I hope you are able to make some positive changes and start to properly enjoy your life. Good luck.

Tweedle24 Sun 03-Nov-19 20:11:58

I knew a woman who divorced in her seventies from a really unpleasant, abusive man. She suddenly found her courage, left him to move into a small housing association flat, which left her with capital from her share of the house sale, and settled into a lovely, uncluttered and free life. She was like a new woman.

Mebster Go for it!

jeanie99 Tue 05-Nov-19 12:15:33

Ok so you are really house sharing at the moment however you run the home also.
If this isn't a problem then carry on.
Hubby will not change I guess you have talked this over many times over the years.
Could you carry on house sharing? but do your own cooking etc and leave him to do what he wants.
I know someone who is divorced and they house share and it works for them, they both have their own lives but would it work for you.
If you don't want that situation then it's selling the property and splitting the income made half your saving and pensions need to be considered.
You could buy him out or vice versa.
You need advice on divorce you need to know financially how you stand on your own,
Would you have enough money to purchase a property?
Could you rent from the council or housing association?
Would you have enough money to run a home on your own?
These are questions you need to ask yourself.
People do divorce later in life no body can tell you what to do it is a huge decision and needs much thought.

Mebster Fri 06-Dec-19 00:55:07

Today is our 32nd anniversary. I have asked him for a divorce. I'm afraid our mutual friends will take his side but I can't live like this any longer.

Hetty58 Fri 06-Dec-19 01:01:35

Mebster, you may live for another 30 odd years - so go for it girl! I'm glad that you've made a decision. He sounds more like a lodger than a husband anyway. You could get a paying lodger and receive some rent (tax free, under the rent-a-room scheme). I bet they'd be better company too!

Hetty58 Fri 06-Dec-19 01:22:53

My friend is very depressed as she feels that she's lived most of her life for other people (her kids) rather than herself.

Change is indeed scary but also very liberating. On your own, you can truly be your own real self. It's amazing how much we adjust and compromise to suit a partner.

Why make all that effort and sacrifice when he brings so little to the relationship. No affection, sex or company, only perhaps a little financial security, it's just not worth it!

When I divorced my first husband, I lost my best friend. Often, the sympathy goes to the left person (not the brave leaver). It was her loss, not mine!

Newquay Fri 06-Dec-19 07:17:42

Have you actually sat down and talked to him?

Apricity Fri 06-Dec-19 08:42:38

I guess one of the questions you have to ask yourself is 'why have you stayed?' Be brutally honest with yourself. Only you can answer that question. The answer will inform you about whatever you do next. It's not easy making life changing decisions at our age. There are pros and cons, costs and benefits, both financial and personal whatever you decide. Perhaps seek counselling and talk with trusted friends. Good luck whatever pathway you choose. 🍀

MamaCaz Fri 06-Dec-19 08:54:42

Today is our 32nd anniversary. I have asked him for a divorce. I'm afraid our mutual friends will take his side but I can't live like this any longer.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing.
Living like that is only half a life, and one that must have been eating away at you for years, preventing you from ever feeling truly happy.

Be brave - you are stronger than you probably think, and can look forward to a better life when you come out of the other side of this.

Good luck flowers

Hetty58 Fri 06-Dec-19 09:01:15

People stay with abusive and neglectful partners out of habit, duty, tradition and loyalty. They get so worn down, depressed and exhausted by it that they begin to believe that they deserve nothing better. They settle for a sad existence - rather than a life. It's very sad.

Make a change and your life can have true meaning, love and joy. You'll have peace of mind and you'll open that door to new opportunities, hope and love!

inkcog Fri 06-Dec-19 09:03:13

He sounds desperately unhappy, possibly ill.

Daisymae Fri 06-Dec-19 10:12:09

Well it's up to them but you may well find people will be more understanding than you think. There will be a lot of changes but hopefully when the dust settles you will both be much happier.

sodapop Fri 06-Dec-19 12:45:25

Yes Hetty58 my sentiments exactly. Go for it Mebster.

Hetty58 Fri 06-Dec-19 17:05:16

Let us all know how you get on too!

Starblaze Fri 06-Dec-19 19:43:25

Mebster why would friends take his side? Go! Find all the happiness. Make new friends.