Is it a bad idea to share my home with daughter and family?

Why don't you suggest that they rent out their house for a year or so, if you decide to give it a go, rather than them selling up-in case it doesn't work out as well as you all think it will. Would your daughter really want to be your carer in later life? What about when the children are rowdy teenagers? Could you swap houses? Two properties are a much better investment than one, or do they rent? Are they trying to get a free house? Have you got other children who think they will inherit a share? Lots to think about.

Looking on the black side. What if your daughter and son in law split up? What if you fell out with them, I’m sure you think that could never happen. And yes, what if you had a stroke or something and they didn’t want to care for you?
Sorry, lots of ‘what ifs’, but probably the sort of things you need to think about.

We shared a house with my parents, although my father died within a few months. We'd been living next door to them, purely by coincidence, so were accustomed to the proximity.

My mother said she wanted her own front door, but that didn't quite work out with the house we bought together. However, She had her own kitchen and bathroom, her own sitting room and bedroom, as well as a conservatory, all on the ground floor while we lived mainly upstairs.

I'd say that, if you all usually get along OK, it should be possible to make it work. I'd advise making sure that you all have your own spaces to retreat to though!

My maternal grandmother came to live with us after my grandfather died, we sold the house we lived in, she sold hers on the Sussex coast, and moved up to Surrey with us and we bought a larger house. She had her own sitting room and bedroom, although may parents hadn't got round to separating the living arrangements completely. She was only with us for a couple of years, I was aged between 10/11 and 13 and then she died. I did pick up on certain tensions, between her and my parents, inevitably they had different ways of doing things. My brother and I would sneak off to her part of the house, because she didn't impose the restictions on what we could and couldn't watch on the tv. I remember her most of all for her steamed puddings I've never tasted any as good as hers.

I hope you work out an arrangement to your mutual satisfaction, I think one where you had some autonomy would be best from what you have told us.

This is a really tricky one!
Are they assuming that you will be their cook, cleaner and housekeeper like the last time? Are you happy to do that forever?
You need to think about all eventualities yourself, and then discuss them with your daughter and her husband.
Personally, I wouldn’t do it, I’d be afraid it might change a good relationship.
If you do go ahead, I think they should pay a token rent at least, and pay the majority of utility bills and community charge.
You need to consider:
* who pays what
* who does what
* division of space and expectations of sharing space and time.
* ground rules about popping round, guests, changes to the house and garden, decoration etc.
* whose needs and preferences take precedence? What if they want friends over on a weekend you want family or friends around.
* what happens in the event of your death or infirmity, particularly if you have other children. Will DD and her husband just assume they inherit the house? That would be very unfair on any siblings.

The advantages seem very weighted towards them as described: a free house and unpaid domestic help. The dynamic would have to be different on a permanent basis. If they think they are getting the you they got during your 6 month stay with them, they may be resentful if you are less “useful”. Lovely as it is to be helpful, you should not be cleaning up after them and doing their laundry and cooking in a permanent basis.

My fear is that too often, people sadly seem to lose respect for and grow careless of people who give too much. The yoke of obligation chafes and they look for reasons to feel resentful.
That’s what I’d fear from a permanent arrangement.
However if the house divides easily, many of these caveats may be overcome.

If you sold your house, would you look to stay in the same location or move to somewhere better connected and with more amenities? I ask because as my mum approached her 80s, her rural location become an increasing problem. She was unsafe to drive after about 80 and would have undoubtedly have enjoyed a better quality of life if she had downsized to a house in a neighbouring small town. If your family move in, they might decide to move out again when the children fly the nest, by which time you might lack the energy to contemplate such a drastic move and find yourself feeling stuck with the worse of both worlds: big rural house & no family nearby.

I hope it works well for you whatever you decide. Take your time though and seek legal and financial advice.

We have been thinking along those very lines at the moment. My youngest daughter wants me and my husband to live with them at some point, so that when one of us dies, the other one won’t be alone. At the moment, they have their own house, and one baby, but want more children. They’ve talked about buying a house with a separate annex for us. We’re both 60 at the minute, so don’t feel quite ready, but we have said that if one of us dies before we’ve managed to move in together, how would they feel about moving into our house, which, like you, is far too big for two of us let alone one. We suggested they could rent their own home off. They liked the idea. We would have to put something in place, so that if both my husband and I died, if we were still in our house, then they would probably have to sell it, so my other three children get their inheritance, but there would be no rush. I suppose I hadn’t thought about the rowdy teenager stage, but then we would hopefully, long term, be in something more suitable, ie have an annex. I would definitely try it first, before you sell it, and see how you get on. If you can divide rooms etc, and living spaces, which it sounds like you could, I don’t see why you should lose your independence. After all, at the moment, they’ll be moving in with you. Good luck.

Thank you all for the replies.

These are exactly the kind of thoughts which are spinning around in my head. I think my main concern is that the reality of a parent’s increasing dependence and health difficulties is hard to really grasp when you and they are quite young. This was definitely our experience with my father, although he seemed to decide to be utterly helpless in a way I can’t ever imagine doing.

I am fairly certain we can all make it work now, but I would hate to become a bloody old nuisance when I’m older.

Renting out their house is a good idea, but when I suggested it, they were concerned about changing legislation making it hard to “get the tenants out” (I know nothing about renting, as landlord or tenant).

I need to go out now, but I’ll continue to read replies, and respond later.

Your daughter will be responsible for your care in later life even if she doesn't live with you, so as long as they both accept they will have to care for you then fine. It's always easier to care for someone in your own home rather than them living elsewhere. My view is the closer the better - for all concerned. I presume she's an only child and will eventually inherit the house, but living in your lovely house for many years before that is a bonus for her. She is getting a good deal.
As you both have separate areas and entrances you are almost in separate properties anyway. Sounds perfect.
Don't let the problem you had with your father put you off. Everyone is different. Some people are difficult and demanding and try to take over, others are much more easygoing. Make sure you don't interfere in her household or make decisions you shouldn't be making. Have a clear discussion about who makes the decisions (will they be joint?) and financial costs, plus anything else you can think of!

I do live with one son, his wife and son in the house I've lived in for the past 20 years. Ours came about because I developed an illness that caused me to have 3 strokes and disintegrating joints. We share some areas such as the kitchen, dining room, utility and conservatory and have separate lounges and bedrooms. We fell into certain roles I do the washing and drying and they do the cooking, I fill the dishwasher and they empty it. I do as much housework as I can manage and they do the rest. They do all the shopping, gardening etc because I can't. We all get on very well and have never fallen out. That said my son and I have always been very close. They know they will eventually become my carers and accept that willingly. I don't expect special treatment and honestly believe they should carry on as normal for as long as possible. They've bought a property which they rent out so they don't lose out financially by living with me and they pay a fair share of all the bills. I have another son and after discussing everything with them all decided to adjust the percentages of what they inherit accordingly and they're all happy with that.

I think it sounds a lovely idea. Don’t worry about being an old nuisance: you might never need personal care. My mother is still independent at 91, my father died suddenly at 86, and all my grandparents were independent at a great old age until their brief illnesses before they died. You have tried it at your daughter’s house, and it worked, so I think if you agree some ground rules it would be fine: you would have company and need not move (which can be hard) and the family would have the type of life they want. If you have other children, a solicitor can draw up documents so that your estate can be shared fairly between them. I think the key issue here is that it is your daughter and son in law who have suggested this living arrangement to you. They have presumably discussed the pros and cons and are keen to do it: you are not imposing yourself on them.

I personally wouldn’t want it I cannot think of anything worse than having one of my children having to watch out for me or care for me as I got older and less able
I looked after my Nan for three years in my home (she had dementia) I adored my Nan but it completely wore me out and wore me down and I know my nan would have never wanted that
Your grandkids are young what happens in ten/twelve years time when you’re older and they are teenagers charging in and out with friends staying over, playing music or coming home late ...it ll happen however sweet and quiet they are now
Only all of you know if it could work or not I only know for me my independence is 100% important and they all need to be independent of me, we would fall out at some point which I couldn’t bear to have happen
I hope you come to a happy conclusion

The most important question is how do you get on?

As you say you are still relatively young and fit, I would say that you should divide your house into separate units, one for you and one for your daughter, with the hall, landing and stairs being common to both and one front door. Perhaps you culd have downstairs and your DD and family upstairs. You wouldneed a downstairs bathroom and upstairs kitchen.

A friend and her mother bought a house that was easily divisible into two entirely separate units. She got proper planning permission for this. They lived entirely separate lives within their own homes, but each was there to help the other when needed. When DF's mother died, she was able to sell her mother's flat separately wile remaining in her own flat.

Thank you all for your considered responses. I am pleased that you have identified potential issues that I had already considered, so I’m hopefully not missing anything massive.

I will be giving this serious consideration before I make a decision. Having reread my first message I did make myself sound a bit of a skivvy! But, honestly, I truly enjoy being a homemaker, and cooking and helping out, and my daughter and partner more than balance that by maintaining my car, doing awkward jobs around my house, taking me out for the day etc.

I think my stipulation will be that we have sitting rooms and areas where we can be apart.

Thank you all.

I think it’s about doing what’s right at the time. None of us know the future, we just have to deal with that as it happens. You’ll most likely really enjoy it?

Just a thought, in the event that you have to go into a nursing home, in your old age, how will you fund it if you can’t sell your house to pay the fees because your family is living there?
Hopefully by the time it’s needed the Government will have put something in place, until then.....
My MIL is unwell and is now in a nursing home needing full nursing care, if my SIL had moved in with her as MIL wanted her to a couple of years ago (SIL is in her 70s and is now also unwell) SIL would now be homeless.
Maybe forming 2 separate homes would be the way forward ? then you will have something to sell if necessary.

That’s why they should always keep one of the houses to rent off, then it could be sold later if needed.

Could be awkward if you found a new partner, wanted to sell up and buy a place together. How would your daughter and partner feel about that?
Living together on and off for six months is quite different to a permanent arrangement, I think it's a risky idea.

Exactly what I came on to say. What if you meet someone.
Different circumstances but at a time I divorced and was happily single with a vow never to want a long term relationship and definitely not another dh when I met my now husband.

Can you allow for this possible if unlikely eventuality..

Hmm. Yes, the nursing home fees is an issue. Something to speak to the lawyer about.

@coolgran65 I am absolutely certain I don’t want a new partner. I suppose objectively I can’t guarantee I’ll never change my mind, but I really don’t think I will.

I know people for whom this type of arrangement seemed to work beautifully. You sound such a family so this may be an ideal solution.
We did this 40 years ago. My mother shared the cost of a large house with our family which we converted to create independent space for each household with shared front door and garden but we didn't live together although there was plenty of overlap.
We had not thought of all the pitfalls however and our personalities did not lend themselves to a harmonious relationship.
As it happened, 3 years later, an opportunity arose for DM to move near to, but not with, another of her DDs. This allowed for the privacy we all need. DM was happy there and lived independently for a further 30 years. She helped them a lot with babysitting and in turn they oversaw her care when she became old and frail.

Now we still live in the big house and are in the process of converting another part of it for a temporary emergency flat for DD who will become homeless very soon with her DC. The part where DM lived is let out to tenants.

Life is never dull, I'll say that, and none of us know what is around the corner.

As my DS reminds me from time to time. Nothing lasts forever. If your gut instinct tells you not to go with this kind and generous suggestion (which I believe it is) then you should wait and not do anything just now.

You will have the independence of being the property owner so your future will not be affected should your DD and her partner split up.

It will be easy when the children are small. My only words of advice will be the need to introduce some house rules when they are teenagers. Friends visiting, noisy weekends, messy bedrooms, late night kitchen activity and also being in loco parentis if your DD and her OH go away without them.

It can totally work with good boundaries that work for everybody.
I would also have a plan B just in case the arrangement doesn't work at some point in time.

We have something similar
If one of us passes it is expected that the survivor would move in with son and Dil .
We would probably have a small granny flat out the back.
Not currently needed but is in the back of our minds

I think Loulelady has given an excellent answer - and there is much good advice from others. You do need to think clearly about the legal and relationship issues and be clear with your daughter and her partner about it all - you will certainly need a lawyer. But life is full of choices and changes - you can never guarantee what the future will bring, whichever way you go. I wish you well. I had an arrangement like this for 8 years and it was mostly very rewarding - a couple of upsets, but overall I loved it and seeing so much of the grandchildren, while the family also had their own self contained space, was irreplaceable and precious.