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Step-daughters taking my DH out without me

(143 Posts)
Mary52 Tue 11-Feb-20 22:08:28

So I feel a bit hurt but you need the background to understand and tell me if you would feel the same. My DH is my 2nd husband. His 1st wife died v sadly at only 39, his daughters were 16 and 19 at the time. I met him a year later, my sons were slightly younger, 14 and 16. We have been together now 25 years, and I get on well with my step-daughters, we all get on well with each other. Last year the girls decided they wanted to take their father out for a day on his own, just the 3 of them, to "make memories". I was a bit hurt but bit my tongue (one of my superpowers), and they had a nice day out. Now they want to do something similar, this time on Mothers Day next month. I understand them wanting to "make memories" with their dad, but to me it feels rude, I would never have dreamt of deliberately going out on a special day out with my sons, and if they'd asked, I'd have said no, it would be rude to do so. Mother's Day is fine as I will make a plan to be with my boys and their families, but after all these years, I suddenly feel like we are 2 families again, not one. Part of me says I'm being over-sensitive, and part of me just feels hurt and excluded. FYI there are no problems between DH and myself, and I haven't even hinted at my real feelings about this.

Doodle Tue 11-Feb-20 22:14:15

If I were you I’d let them do it. It’s only one day. Then plan perhaps a family get together with all of you perhaps a birthday or anniversary or something. It’s not worth losing a good relationship with them and would only make things difficult for all of you.

Babyshark Tue 11-Feb-20 22:15:43

I’d be really sad if my parent wouldn’t have Occasional and special time with me away from their partner. Nothing to do with their partner at all, just the chance to be with them. Especially if they were my only parent. I don’t think it’s about you necessarily, they clearly have an emotional need that can only be met by their dad. I feel upset even thinking about being denied this. I definitely don’t think it’s any reflection of you.

BlueBelle Tue 11-Feb-20 22:28:51

Whilst I can see how you’re seeing it I think you are overplaying it why shouldn’t they have time with their dad and free you up to have time with your children it’s sounds a perfectly good plan to me
Maybe you can all go out together another time

Esspee Tue 11-Feb-20 22:38:23

You shouldn’t feel hurt about this at all. Let them have their private time. They shouldn’t be grudged this. You have their dad all year round.

M0nica Tue 11-Feb-20 22:41:05

I am not part of a blended family, but each year my sister and I go away for a few days together, without our spouses and we would not welcome the presence of our children either. We get together to be together ,to bond and to remember the family we were before the death of our parents and our middle sister.

As others have said, these days between father and children are probably all about the family they were before the death of their mother, a life you were not part of, just as spouses and children are not part of my sister's and my childhood and family home.

It has got nothing to do with excluding people in any negative way. I think it is to your credit, that they can want to do this and do it, assuming, no, knowing you will understand.

Now you go off with your sons and have a special day together and realise how nice it can be without it being threatening or being rude to your husband in any way.

janeainsworth Tue 11-Feb-20 22:56:24

Mary perhaps they are taking their Dad out on Mother’s Day so your sons can take you out by yourself?
Just a thought!

notanan2 Tue 11-Feb-20 22:57:00

I dont think its rude at all. DH and I make sure to schedule in 1:1 activities with our girls and we're married and both their parents!

Its not the same "quality" time as a group activity, which is also nice.

We do things with just one DD at a time, one parent and both DDs, and all 4.
Each configuration is totally different dynamics and important IMO

MissAdventure Tue 11-Feb-20 23:09:17

I expect your partners children are doing that 'making memories' thing.

They didn't have him to themselves for long after losing their mum. Perhaps that has some bearing on things?

Hetty58 Tue 11-Feb-20 23:15:25

You are being over sensitive, perhaps because you are a step parent. Of course they want to have a day out with their dad. You can spend time with your sons - not a problem.

Babyshark Tue 11-Feb-20 23:21:55

Please don’t ever say no to your sons if they want to spend treasured time with just you. You’re their one and only mum and whether your 3 or 43, if you need your mum, you need your mum.

RubyLou Tue 11-Feb-20 23:27:19

Okay. I volunteer. I do understand your feeling of being left out. I am in a similar situation to you and I would not initiate a family event that leaves out anyone, particularly on such a significant day as Mother's Day.

MissAdventure Tue 11-Feb-20 23:29:40

Oh yes, I'm sure I would feel the same, but I would be hard pressed to ever, ever say anything, because that particular can of worms would be difficult to put the lid back on.

Yennifer Tue 11-Feb-20 23:43:13

I get how you feel but I wonder if this is the girls way of remembering their mum sometimes as well as have close family time. Maybe they are actually trying to consider your feelings? I don't think they are trying to exclude you, time with just dad is a good thing and won't change 25 good years x

Buffybee Tue 11-Feb-20 23:45:08

I agree with most of the others, in thinking it fine for the girls to go out with their Dad a couple of times a year.
You have him to yourself all year so don’t begrudge his girls wanting him to theirselves for the odd day.
My daughter goes out for the day with her girls, her husband occasionally takes their boy fishing for the weekend.
This is what families do, you don’t have to be joined at the hip.

paddyanne Tue 11-Feb-20 23:45:42

two days in 25 years is no time at all,let them have their dad to themselves.I used to have days out with my dad when I was young just he and me .Simply because we had similar interests and my sisters wouldn't have wanted to trail round second hand book shops with him.My dad died 26 years ago yesterday and I still treasure those days out.Dont get between them please ,he was their dad before he was your husband !

rosenoir Tue 11-Feb-20 23:50:01

It must be difficult for the girls to talk about their childhoods when you are there, maybe they can share memories when it is just their dad.

I am sorry it makes you feel hurt, please try and keep it to yourself though as it will cause divides in the family.

Loulelady Wed 12-Feb-20 00:58:18

Please try not to overthink this. Even where there are two married, biological parents, most children, adult or minor, appreciate occasional time with one parent alone. These children were adult when you came along, wanting some dad time, when they might reminisce about their childhoods without fear of leaving you feeling excluded, is more than reasonable and no slight to you at all.
I’m amazed this has only happened once before!
Are you one of those couples that does everything together?

agnurse Wed 12-Feb-20 03:02:11

Your stepdaughters were effectively grown when you married their father. They likely didn't see you as much as a "mother" figure as they would have had you met them when they were younger. It's more of a "this is Dad's new wife" thing.

As long as they aren't excluding you from EVERY get-together (and so far this has only happened twice) I don't see a problem with it.

Sparkling Wed 12-Feb-20 07:04:22

I think the girls just want their dad to themselves just the odd special day, I know I still miss my mother who died young, no one could take her place and I needed my dad more than ever. Your children still have you. You all have a good relationship., it's good to gave kept these thoughts to yourself. They lost their mother when they were not little children but still needed her.

annep1 Wed 12-Feb-20 07:25:13

I too think you're being over sensitive.
My husband often spends time alone with his adult children from his first marriage. I encourage him to do so. I love spending time with mine too.
We also have occasional joint get togethers.
My husband has a special birthday soon and whilst I will arrange something, he also plans to do something with his children alone.
We're all very happy and that's what its about.

Curlywhirly Wed 12-Feb-20 07:30:06

Yes, I agree with others - the girls want to go out with just their dad, they want to reminisce and have a little nostalgic time. Perfectly understandable, no problem. But, personally, I think asking him out on Mothers Day, is a little insensitive; I wouldn't want to split the family up on a special occasion. However, would probably suggest a visit to Mum's grave, just the three of them, to lay some flowers.

Sara65 Wed 12-Feb-20 08:11:35

I too think you’re maybe behind a little over
sensitive, but I also feel the girls are being a little insensitive to your feelings, after all they aren’t really girls anymore, they’re grown women.

I think it’s good to have days out with their dad, when they can reminisce about their mum, without worrying about hurting your feelings, but Mother’s Day seems a bit thoughtless, what does your husband think about it?

I think you’re doing right to stay quiet about it, but I think you’re entitled to feel a little miffed!

sodapop Wed 12-Feb-20 08:30:32

I agree with Sara65 it's a bit insensitive to exclude you on this particular day. As you get along well the rest of the time I wouldn't worry about it though. In the grand scheme of things it's only one day so put your feelings aside, don't mention it to your husband or he will start feeling torn between you all. It would be a pity to spoil what is a generally good relationship between both families.

craftergran Wed 12-Feb-20 08:33:46

They must be in their 40's. Do they have children of their own?

If so then I think it is a little divisive to ask their father to spend Mothers Day with them. Father's Day fine, but he's not their mother.

Best you say nothing and have a great day with your own children.