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Seeing someone out of a sense of duty

(65 Posts)
Sparkling Mon 24-Feb-20 06:32:31

If you love someone close to your heart, very much and you know in your heart they do not feel the same, they just text about once a month, and when they do they
arrange to meet for a coffee for 20 minutes, where they choose and when, if you text back and say can we make it any other day as I have the dentist for example, the reply is no, leave it, then it's another month, they come late looking bored, won't discuss why, you don't know how there life is going, you're not part of it, don't know their friends,you have been effectively cut out apart from that one text. If you ask a light question they say why do you want to know every little detail, so you don't know what to say. You're glad when it's over because you feel wretched. You know they want you to say do not ever contact me again, but if you do you will never see them again. Would you say goodbye and live with the consequences? Why, would anyone do that?

GagaJo Mon 24-Feb-20 07:13:42

I would cut myself off for the sake of my own peace of mind. The sharp pain at the beginning would have to be worth it.

I say this about someone that ISN'T my child however. I would tolerate this if it were my child/grandchild.

V3ra Mon 24-Feb-20 07:30:44

A "friend" yes, I'd say goodbye.
Family no, I'd stick with it. They're texting you after all.
Sounds uncomfortably like one of my sons at one stage, but things are much better now.

BlueBelle Mon 24-Feb-20 07:31:29

I agree gagajo I guess I would take anything from a child or grandchild but I would probably have to cut myself off from the person you describe Sparkling as it’s a constant rip rip rip of your heart
They don’t care about you as you do them, you really have to accept that you are getting nothing but heartache from this very sparse ‘relationship’
So in answer to your last question yes in the words of Disney ‘let it go’ it’s a scab you keep picking, let it heal
Be strong

Daisymae Mon 24-Feb-20 07:45:05

Think I would reduce contact to birthday and Christmas, assuming it was a relative, under these circumstances. If the door is kept ajar there's always the chance of a reconciliation of sorts.

Greymar Mon 24-Feb-20 07:49:05

It depends on who it is. It doesn't sound like a friend to me. I would try to strengthen up myself and sit it out.

sodapop Mon 24-Feb-20 08:54:54

Doesn't sound like a friend to me either Sparkling, I think I would be reducing or stopping this contact which is obviously distressing for you. I don't entirely go along with tolerating this if it was a family member, surely kindness and good manners should be shown to relatives as well.

Smileless2012 Mon 24-Feb-20 09:04:19

You could keep the contact going with the monthly text Sparkling but not agree to actually meet as it sounds as if these meetings are particularly stressful and upsetting.

"You're glad when it's over because you feel wretched"; don't put yourself through this, say you can't make the date and time being suggested. Maybe if you do this a few times when you do eventually meet, this person will make it a more pleasurable experience.

I hope soflowers.

BlueBelle Mon 24-Feb-20 09:09:09

sidapop depends what relative, if it was a child of mine I would know they had problems and yes I would hang in there however hurtful because it would be better than losing them and I would always be hopeful of a new beginning but that’s just me and I understand not everyone would tolerate it even from a child
If Sparkling is taking about a friend definitely let it go a lesser relative, cousin, in law etc again let it go but if it’s a child I couldn’t, as much as I d perhaps know for my mental health it would be the right thing to do, I could never give up on any of my children, never. I d continue with the uncomfortable meetings praying one day they soften and show me the same level of love I have for them

tickingbird Mon 24-Feb-20 10:19:30

I suppose as others have said it does depend who it is. I must admit it could be one of my sons at one point or another but if it’s a girlfriend or a more ‘romantic’ type of friendship maybe let it go.

Davida1968 Mon 24-Feb-20 10:24:31

I think it would be helpful to know the poster's relationship to this person. If they are either a "friend" or a "lover", I would move on from this person and not bother with them again. If they are a close relative, then (maybe) I'd lower my expectations and try to meet them from time to time, knowing that this was going to be brief meeting with no real "sharing".

Dee1012 Mon 24-Feb-20 10:25:14

It's very hard to advise when the nature of the relationship isn't clear?
If it's a friend, a "romantic" partner.....personally, I'd write a letter saying how events had made me feel and I'd be saying goodbye at that point.
Family....again, how close?

henetha Mon 24-Feb-20 10:26:50

If it was my child or grandchild I would hang on grimly no matter what and try to be grateful for the few crumbs they are prepared to give. Because that would be better than losing them altogether.
But if it was a friend or lover my pride would force me to stop contact, I think, before they do. I've sort of been in this situation and it's not easy.

Lizzle10 Mon 24-Feb-20 10:33:24

If this is a friend or a romantic interest I would walk away you deserve better than this and even if you love them you will realise in time that for your own well being it was the best . If it’s close family I wouldn’t cut ties maybe see them occasionally and dont expect too much .

grandMattie Mon 24-Feb-20 10:34:08

I would cut myself off, lick my wounds and be grateful for what I have.
I have lost touch with my sisters because they spend all their time belittling me, being rude about my DH and DCs. Why on earth should I have to put up with the rivers of tears I weep whenever we have contact. I DO love them, but... my life is a lot less painful now.

Nortsat46 Mon 24-Feb-20 10:40:31

Sparkling, I am with henetha and others here.

If the person were a child or grandchild, I would hang on, in there, even though it’s clearly very hard.
Many circumstances change over time ...

If the person was a friend or lover, then it feels like it could be the right time to reconsider options.

Either way, you are being hurt, often. Please try to consider ways to look after yourself and protect your feelings. Do you have someone you could talk this over with?

Don’t dismiss this as a silly suggestion- have you thought of ringing the Samaritans? They offer a listening ear.
Sometimes the act of simply putting an issue into words and discussing it with a third party who isn’t involved, can help us to begin navigating to a solution.

I hope the situation begins to improve 💐

NanaPlenty Mon 24-Feb-20 11:00:51

We’ve had a similar situation with a daughter/grandchild - have had to step away as it was causing so much stress and we couldn’t change the situation. Will always continue with birthday/Xmas gifts and hope one day things might change. If it’s a friend Imwould say you are definitely better off forgetting it. You will recover when you aren’t being subjected to the stress.

Harris27 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:05:05

If it’s family try and work through it. If it’s just a friend I would let this friendship go after all a friendship is two ways and you both need to get something out of it.

jaylucy Mon 24-Feb-20 11:18:24

So very sad that it seems the other person is only making contact through feeling that they have to.
I think that if it is a family member, just keep in contact via text - if they want to meet up for coffee - is there any reason that you can't decide on the venue? If they then say "oh no because of x y z" is there any reason that you can't let them know that you are disappointed?
The same, to some extent also applies to a friend - but in their case, I think that if they care so little, it's time to walk away. Sorry, but no one should make you feel wretched and worthless like this person obviously is.

Caro57 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:30:09

Say goodbye - then there will be room in your heart and diary to find another who is more caring of you and give you the time and respect you deserve

MarieEliza Mon 24-Feb-20 11:31:38

If this Is a friend I wouldn’t put myself into such an uncomfortable situation again and again hoping things will improve. I know that low self esteem allows us to be mistreated emotionally but we need to believe more in ourselves and our own self worth. Avoid if you can negative people and situations where you are made to feel less than valued. You deserve to be happy

TrendyNannie6 Mon 24-Feb-20 11:35:30

Such a sad post Sparkling, I can feel your pain,on reading this, if it was me I’d put a stop to it, and walk away, I wouldn’t accept that sort of relationship, if it was family then I would hope to remedy it, by talking things through, life is too short, I hope things become better for you

Rosina Mon 24-Feb-20 11:35:43

Seems you have three options here; carry on and try to toughen up (not easy) so that the encounters don't make you feel so wretched every time, carry on but be determined to say, gently, that the other person is clearly tense and your small enquiries are simply conversation, not prying - is anything wrong ? etc. etc, and persist in asking as it may well make them realise that this is not a happy time for you, or when approached again say you are busy a couple of times and see if they continue to contact.
I think if this were a 'friend', I would cut off completely.
Good luck with this - not a happy scenario for you - isn't life tricky at times through no fault of your own?

Witzend Mon 24-Feb-20 11:40:33

I’m so sorry it’s made you feel wretched. TBH it doesn’t sound at all like the sort of person you need in your life. Where is the benefit?
Personally I’d withdraw, and try not to let it upset me any more.

Grandmafrench Mon 24-Feb-20 11:42:49

The heartbreaking way that Sparkling writes suggests to me that this is not a friend. Friends - even not very close ones - don't behave like this and consider that they will be allowed to do so indefinitely. This sounds like family. Family will sometimes do whatever they wish, without considering the hurt and sadness and confusion they cause and they do this in the sure and certain knowledge that they hold all the cards and can behave exactly how they wish simply because they are "family" and will always be forgiven. Always. To have one's heart squashed into little bits and one's love and care and interest dismissed and barely tolerated by showing such behaviour to another person is almost unforgivable. We forgive, usually, because we are parents and "they" are our children. People we will love unconditionally forever? Perhaps, but at what terrible cost? Aren't we deserving at all? I would counsel birthday and Christmas wishes only..... and wait. However much it hurts, step back, don't push and wait. Things may change, but you're not the person who'll be able to make that change.