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Boyfriend doesn’t want sex

(43 Posts)
RMB12345 Tue 19-May-20 01:05:30

This is going to be long so please bear with me. I am DESPERATE for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. When we met, he had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who really abused him mentally and got him addicted to drugs. He used to refer to her as his one great love and was very much still in love with her during the first couple months we were together. I initially was just casually dating him with no expectations, but then of course I fell hard for him. A couple months in, he said he’d fallen in love with me too. I do believe that he is. He went to a 90 day inpatient rehab in December and we communicated through email and phone calls, and I really felt like we got to know each other and felt very secure in his feelings for me. Then he got out and due to some issues with his previous housing, moved in with me. That part is fine, I have no regrets, but after a week he became very distant. Little to no physical affection of any kind. Finally, about 2 weeks ago, something changed and now he hugs me and cuddles with me all the time. But there’s almost no sex. My previous relationship of 8.5 years was completely devoid of sex besides one month in the beginning. That man was also an addict. The lack of sex in that relationship was extremely traumatic to me. I felt worthless, ugly. I developed a severe anxiety problem and depression. I ultimately left that relationship because of these feelings. Now I feel I’m right back into the same relationship. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it, tried to be as honest and forthright as possible but I don’t think he listens or even cares. He just says he has no desire for sex and just feels numb. Except when he thinks I’m asleep he masturbates right next to me. The few times I’ve tried to join in, he stops and rolls over and either pretends to sleep or does sleep. It is very very hard for me to try to initiate sex or to even talk about it. I have to spend hours preparing myself to even try. Rejection is so mentally traumatizing to me that I shut down and it takes days for me to feel normal. I’m at the point where if I even start feeling horny I get panic attacks. I can’t pleasure myself because I’m so distraught that I have a man who should want me but doesn’t. I have an extremely high sex drive so I’m horny all the time. I’ve suggested that he at least help me out but he won’t, he won’t even kiss me. It’s hard for me to even be near him anymore because I’m so sexually attracted to him. It’s causing serious issues in our relationship because I’m angry and sad all the time. I’m afraid I’m too fat, ugly, and boring for him. He’s told me many times how great sex with his ex was. I’m afraid he still wants her. He’s also told me he’s had sex with hundreds of women. I feel like all those women are better than me. I know he’s depressed and dealing with addiction recovery and I’m trying to understand but it’s so hard for me. I should leave the relationship but everything else is amazing and I want to fix this. I know I should be getting therapy but I can’t afford it. Anyways, if you’ve gotten this far, please give me some insight and what I can do to try to make things better. I can’t continue feeling like this.

FarNorth Tue 19-May-20 01:24:40

Sorry, I don't think anything can be amazing enough to make up for his behaviour to you.
You are not happy.
I think you should be having second thoughts about letting him move in, and first thoughts about moving him out.

ladymuck Tue 19-May-20 06:42:02

His feelings for you seem to be just friendship. Clearly that is not enough for you. You need to bring this situation to an end, so that you are free to find a man who does find you physically attractive.

BlueBelle Tue 19-May-20 07:01:36

You rushed into this relationship it all sounds hugely dysfunctional he has a home niw and isn’t really interested in anything else
Youre flogging a dead horse here remove him from you and your home and do some work on yourself before you rush into another relationship You seem to pick very dysfunctional men and as soon as ones gone you find another equally dysfunctional
Remove him and work on yourself and have a period without a man in your life

Galaxy Tue 19-May-20 07:03:38

Run very fast.

Oopsadaisy3 Tue 19-May-20 07:04:04

You’re right, you should be ending the relationship, why should you have therapy? You’re fine, he’s the causing the problem.

Esspee Tue 19-May-20 07:15:14

Well said @BlueBelle.

mumofmadboys Tue 19-May-20 07:25:03

People with drug addiction problems are often emotionally damaged by their years of addiction . I agree with others who have said this is more of a friendship than a relationship. You need to end the relationship and get him to move out. Have you had addiction problems? Do you feel you are trying to 'save' these 2 men you have recently had relationships with? You need to try and meet men without such major problems and take a new relationship very slowly. Good luck.

Daisymae Tue 19-May-20 07:38:19

He moved in with you because he has no other easy option. You have only been together for a few months and it's quite obvious that this is for him at any rate a relationship of convenience. It's time to have a conversation with him and decide whether there's any point in continuing when you both want different things

rafichagran Tue 19-May-20 07:42:14

Listen to all the advice written here, I know it's hard because you cannot help your feelings, but this relationship is going nowhere, other than to take you down the path of even lower self esteem.

Sparkling Tue 19-May-20 07:51:14

Why are you with him. It's only been 7 months of hell for you. No good bits. Your previous relationship was all one sided, no loving just pain and angst. You have to work on your self, you can have no self esteem to seek out people like this, it's as if you think that's all you are worth. I would be man free for a couple of years, build a life you deserve. I don't know why but done people put up with anything to have a man, you don't need one to make you happy, because the ones you have had don't. When you are happy in your life good things will happen, but not until then.

sodapop Tue 19-May-20 08:40:40

momb has it spot on RMB12345 you need to end this relationship and have some time alone to reflect and understand that you deserve so much more than this
Addicts are notoriously good at manipulating people don't be taken in.

Lilypops Tue 19-May-20 08:46:43

Er is this for real ,I wouldn’t want a man near me if he had had sex with hundreds of women. Bit of fantasy here ??? If it’s all true ,she needs to be well rid of a moron like he is.

FarNorth Tue 19-May-20 08:50:27

I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it, tried to be as honest and forthright as possible but I don’t think he listens or even cares.

That says it all.

He doesn't care and is just using you to provide somewhere for him to live.

The 'something' that changed is that he felt you'd got used to the refusal of sex and he could keep you sweet with cuddles.

Please don't feel there's anything wrong with you.
It's all about this guy's selfishness so you need to get him out of your home and your life.

lemsip Tue 19-May-20 08:58:05

had to look twice to make sure I was on gransnet!

Get rid quick, you are worth much more!

Alexa Tue 19-May-20 09:38:47

If you want a lot of sex the signs are you are not going to get it from this man.

Stop feeling guilty about wanting a lot of sex! You have a right to whatever feelings you have.

TwiceAsNice Tue 19-May-20 09:51:38

He just wants somewhere easy to live, I bet he doesn’t even pay you anything to stay . Try and get some counselling , you can still get it by phone. Not because there’s anything wrong path you but because your self esteem is rock bottom and you need to figure out why you get dragged into such dysfunctional relationships. This man will not change, you can if you try

TwiceAsNice Tue 19-May-20 09:52:05

Sorry with not path

glammanana Tue 19-May-20 09:59:13

lemsip me to !! where would I get the energy from I ask myself.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 19-May-20 10:00:23

He’s not the man for you, that’s very obvious, he sees you possibly as a friend, you’ve been together seven months and you clearly aren’t happy, I don’t believe this relationship is going anywhere,

Redhead56 Tue 19-May-20 10:06:48

How old are you I wonder? You surely must have been as child what to do with rubbish. This parasite is just a loser get rid and get back your self respect.

Redhead56 Tue 19-May-20 10:08:17

You must have been told I meant.

BlueBelle Tue 19-May-20 10:13:21

I m not sure how you managed your high Sex drive if you were with a Drug addict with no sex drive for 8 and a half years and now sleptwalked into the self same thing
Leave men out of the equation you are in a total mismatch of a relationship
Regain your home your self worth and your vibrator for now there’s more to life than a bloke

lemongrove Tue 19-May-20 10:14:19

What a tale of........woe?🤔

ineedamum Tue 19-May-20 10:14:48

What was your childhood like? Lots of people who choose poor relationships had poor examples as parents. They think it is normal as they don't know any different.