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Husband displaying infatuation

(55 Posts)
Introvert55 Thu 02-Jul-20 15:02:09

I'm not very good at reading people but I think after 25 years marriage, I should be able to sense when my husband seems different. Without going into detail, it would appear that he is infatuated with his therapist who is about 15 years younger than me and extremely attractive. He has given her gifts in the past, deletes his text conversations with her, and the other day I was in the car with him and he thought he'd driven past her and I've never seen him so animated - he virtually jumped out of his seat and cricked his neck to see her (despite driving down the road at the time). Turned out it wasn't her anyway.
We've always been really close and it is upsetting for me to think that she might be on his mind. Has anyone else had this experience? What do I do?

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 15:26:48

Well to start with any bone fide therapist would not accept gifts off a client and after such gifts had been offered and (hopefully refused) the therapist would ask for the client to be seen by someone else’s so personally I m unsure whether this therapist is a trained and/or experienced worker I d be very cautious about the group she is working for and representing. likewise with texts or phone calls which should be work related only ie reminder of an appointment or concern of a missed appointment
Perhaps look into the organisation sounds very remiss and unprofessional

AGAA4 Thu 02-Jul-20 15:32:41

You don't say what age your husband is but I think men as they get older fear losing their looks and masculinity.

The therapist will be giving him her attention, professionally, and it could be making him feel attractive again. There is nothing like an attractive young woman to bolster male ego.

A bit concerning that he deletes her text messages and maybe you should ask him about that.

This is probably just what you think. An infatuation and it will end as most infatuations do.

Introvert55 Thu 02-Jul-20 15:45:10

BlueBelle

Well to start with any bone fide therapist would not accept gifts off a client and after such gifts had been offered and (hopefully refused) the therapist would ask for the client to be seen by someone else’s so personally I m unsure whether this therapist is a trained and/or experienced worker I d be very cautious about the group she is working for and representing. likewise with texts or phone calls which should be work related only ie reminder of an appointment or concern of a missed appointment
Perhaps look into the organisation sounds very remiss and unprofessional

BlueBelle, thank you, I had not considered that aspect. As it is, she is a self-employed physio so I guess she is a law unto herself somewhat.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 15:45:19

AGA you’re missing the point a therapist cannot have any ‘social dealings’ with a client there should never be any messages to delete The fact that they are having social interactions outside of the therapy is the part that is so worrying
Man or women can gain feelings for an opposite sex ‘helpful, kind, thoughtful’ therapist, doctor , nurse etc etc it’s not so much about him acting like a love sick teenager than the fact that he has obviously been encouraged in this by a two way process which should have been knocked on the head immediately
I would want to know more about the organisation that is employing her as her behaviour is unprofessional and unforgivable and needs reporting

Introvert55 Thu 02-Jul-20 15:49:34

AGAA4

You don't say what age your husband is but I think men as they get older fear losing their looks and masculinity.

The therapist will be giving him her attention, professionally, and it could be making him feel attractive again. There is nothing like an attractive young woman to bolster male ego.

A bit concerning that he deletes her text messages and maybe you should ask him about that.

This is probably just what you think. An infatuation and it will end as most infatuations do.

AGAA4, thank you, yes all those things I've thought already. Except he's been seeing her for therapy for nearly a decade. I asked about the texts and he says he deletes texts regularly - for housekeeping purposes. Can't argue with that.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 15:50:58

Introvert even a self employed therapist has to be trained and belong to one of the Professional bodies you cannot work without belonging to one or other and that should be on her business cards and advertisements They all have very very strict rules about relationships ( however vague) between client and therapist If she is acting without being part of a national organisation then she is not a trained professional and can be closed down

Davidhs Thu 02-Jul-20 16:07:02

I wouldn’t be relying on membership of a professional body to prevent romantic feelings, if it has been going on for 10 yrs, your worries are well founded.

What you do about it is another matter, you could tolerate it and make sure he knows you are keeping a close eye on him, or you could insist he gets a male physio. After all that time his condition probably hasnt improved and is not likely to.

GagaJo Thu 02-Jul-20 16:29:06

There are a couple of possibilities.

1) That the infatuation is just that. Is one sided and not returned. Feelings for a medical professional (either therapist or doctor etc) are called transference. I wouldn't worry about this. It's a bit hurtful but is no reflection on you or your relationship. My partner had this quite a long time ago when he was having counselling to help him deal with depression.

2) There is however also the possibility something is actually going on. This would be a totally different scenario. I'm not sure how you go about getting the truth OR what you would want to do if this was the case. If it is actually happening however, I would definitely report her. It isn't acceptable for a professional to behave this way.

AGAA4 Thu 02-Jul-20 16:30:31

I didn't know this was 10 years and I don't think I am missing the point.

The OP is concerned about her husband being infatuated by this therapist. The fact that she may not belong to a professional body isn't the issue.

We don't know that she is leading him on. The texts may not be about anything other than his treatment and the infatuation is all one sided.

If she is acting other than professionally then I think Introvert should confront him and her with her concerns.

Tangerine Thu 02-Jul-20 16:33:54

If it is "transference" as mentioned by GagaJo, I agree there may not be too much to worry about in practical terms. Yes, I acknowledge that you may not feel very happy about it.

If something is going on, it is up to you how you wish to proceed. I believe you ought to report her.

Do you wish to remain with your husband?

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 16:39:24

Oh my goodness I didn’t know it was a PHYSIOtherapist and he’d been going for ten years
May I ask what his problem is to need Physiotherapy for 10 years.even a bad back doesn’t get more than a few months so obviously it’s not working is it if he’s been spending private money for 10 years? I d have had concerns 91/2 years ago

Puzzler61 Thu 02-Jul-20 16:46:33

I would make an appointment and talk to her.
The infatuation could be all one-sided. Or not.
If you can skype her and see her face it might tell you what you need to know “Introvert” - is this a professional relationship?

AGAA4 Thu 02-Jul-20 16:49:08

The therapist is self-employed so I am not sure if there is anyone she can be reported to and it wouldn't solve the issue.

For her own sake, Introvert should have a quiet word with the therapist and her husband. She needs to know if it is something or nothing. These doubts can make you very unsettled.

Smileless2012 Thu 02-Jul-20 16:54:57

If I were in your position Introvert I would tell my H that his behaviour is upsetting me and say I want him change his physiotherapist.

seacliff Thu 02-Jul-20 16:54:58

I wonder what sort of "therapy" she provides? Why did he seek help originally? Bad back? It is a VERY long time to keep paying, for something that has not been sorted.

Does she work from a business premises do you know? Do you know how much he pays her?

I would be suspicious, perhaps that's just me.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 16:59:31

Me too seacliff

tickingbird Thu 02-Jul-20 17:21:21

I’d be looking into this to be honest. 10 years is an awfully long time to be seeing a physio.

lemsip Thu 02-Jul-20 17:31:13

the worrying thing for me would be all the money he has been spending. if he has been seeing her for a decade! Not a good therapist if he hasn't been sorted by now!!

sodapop Thu 02-Jul-20 18:16:08

This whole situation sound wrong in many ways. I would be confronting him about all this Introvert55

eazybee Thu 02-Jul-20 19:23:06

Go with your instincts.
You are clearly not happy with the situation, and I think you are right; he is behaving like an infatuated teenager; she, self-employed or not, is a professional woman and is not behaving professionally.
Find out who and what she is, (qualifications, professional body, place of work) then have a serious conversation with your husband about his relationship and suggest he transfers to another physiotherapist forthwith. If he refuses, threaten, and mean it, to pursue her through her professional association for possible misconduct.

BlueBelle Thu 02-Jul-20 19:40:45

Sorry to be so black and white on this but to be honest if his condition still needs treatment after ten years then he’s going for another reason and I find it strange that you’ve never question this in your mind until now

rafichagran Thu 02-Jul-20 19:59:34

If you know her name and business address you can find out where and what she is registered for.
I think you need to find out the above first and then discuss with your husband, you must only discuss with him when you know all the facts.
I do not want to jump to conclusions but something is giving off alarm bells. Is she a physio? Or is she doing something that does not have a governing body. Remember 10 years is a long time.

MissAdventure Thu 02-Jul-20 20:00:36

Regardless of her working privately, she will have a code of conduct to follow.

Puzzler61 Thu 02-Jul-20 20:01:27

Apologies, I didn’t mean to put your name in speech marks, just to highlight Introvert . 🌷