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Jealousy, grandparent and menopause

(22 Posts)
Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 17:42:42

Hi all,
I didn't think I was a particularly jealous person, nor a maternal one for that matter, but since hitting 50, and menopause I seem to have become both.
I have two children who no doubt will be starting families in the next few years. I am so excited about this I just can't wait, but along with this lovely feeling a horrible dark jealousy is building as my ex-husband and his partner live near our children and I am 6 hours drive away.
I feel jealous that his partner will have more time with my grandchildren than I will.
I sound like a horrible person, I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking I am. I want to stop feeling like this. No body knows, I'm too ashamed to say it.

Hithere Sat 04-Jul-20 17:52:01

You are not horrible.

It is really great that you realize what your expectations are

Of course, there is a change it won't go as you envision it so you have time to adjust.

Oopsadaisy3 Sat 04-Jul-20 18:02:18

You aren’t horrible, but it sounds as though you have time to change where you live, if you want to be a bigger part of their lives you can move closer.

V3ra Sat 04-Jul-20 18:20:35

I think you need to calm down a bit!
Your children may or may not have children.
If they do, your ex-husband's partner may not want to be particularly involved.
I have three children, all in their mid-late thirties, and just one grandchild.
Focus on an interesting life for yourself, don't mark time worrying about and waiting for something that may or may not happen.
You don't sound like a horrible person at all, quite the opposite, but you do sound like you could get a bit obsessive about it if you're not careful.
Best wishes x

Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 18:32:22

Thank you, your post makes a lot of sense and gives me food for thought. I agree with everything you say and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. 🙏

Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 18:33:35

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and offer such kind words.

welbeck Sat 04-Jul-20 19:45:07

could you buy a puppy.

Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 22:07:38

Welbeck - I'd love one, id really like a whippet but I still work full time and it wouldn't be fair on the poor thing.

Blubberingmesscantdeal Sat 04-Jul-20 22:44:27

I am actually living the scene you have thought about.My long ago ex husband,who was an absent,abusive, useless being 30 years ago,is now the hero.And you know what,I am more than happy about it.I remarried 25 years ago and then relocated overseas,not too far though,with our children.Forward 15 years and after a really hard relationship ending,said daughter needed to get away and moved in with her Father and his current girlfriend.She went on to meet a local man and now has 2 beautiful babies.Yes I wished we weren't an ocean apart but I have been so thankful that she has her Dad so close by to be there for her if she needs,and she has needed him.When the 1st little one was born I did have pangs of jealousy and worried that she wouldn't know us or be as close as she is with the other grandparents.But honestly that has never been a problem.The children know us so well and we have a wonderful bond.Please dont worry about what might be.Id never have imagined my daughter having children apart from us,but she did and its ok.I always tell myself "thankfully she didnt move to Australia" like some of my friends children have!

Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 23:29:14

Blubberingmesscantdeal - Thank you so much for your reply. It makes so much sense, and is so reassuring to read you have a close bond with them despite the distance. I am also very glad to know that my children's dad is there if they need him, it gives me a lot of comfort.
I love living where I do, if I have grandchildren one day I know they will love to come to this part of the UK it is so beautiful. Hopefully build very special memories.
Thank you to you and everyone else who has given me such positive, useful feedback, I'm blown away with the time and effort you have all taken. The replies have given me such comfort and hope today. Earlier I thought I was going mad. However the support and comfort from complete strangers, has been hugely overwhelming. Thank you 🙏

sharon103 Sat 04-Jul-20 23:40:26

Live for today and don't worry about the future. Circumstances may change.
Who knows what the future holds? flowers

crazyH Sat 04-Jul-20 23:50:58

The more love the grandchildren have, the better it is for them - so don't worry xx

Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 23:52:08

Sharon103 - what a lovely reply! Thank you, wise words 😊

Foxgloveandroses Sat 04-Jul-20 23:55:07

CrazyH- That is so true, lots of love and when I think about it they will also have so many different experiences with us all as we are also very different. Thank you for your kind words.

Blubberingmesscantdeal Sun 05-Jul-20 00:13:15

You're welcome Foxglovesandroses
I also think the Menopause thoughts have alot to answer too.Also the world at the moment isnt as it was before and I'm sure most of us have had irrational thoughts at times.My darling little grandchildren have 6 grandparents/step grandparents,3 great grandparents,Aunts,uncles,cousins and believe me there is enough love for us all equally.What CrazyH says is true x

Foxgloveandroses Sun 05-Jul-20 08:42:06

Blubberingmesscantdeal Thank you, this is such a lovely angle on it, the thought of so many people loving them. I can't tell you and everyone who has replied how much this has helped me. I feel so much better today. This was my first post on Gransnet, never knew it existed before, I'm so glad I found.

Alexa Sun 05-Jul-20 08:51:20

Foxglove and Roses, I know exactly what you mean, as this happened to me. My sons assured me they disliked their father's new household as his second wife was not someone they admired or liked much I won't go into details.

You are and always will be the mother of the family that is a fact that can't be changed. Can you seek reassurance from your own children that they will not desert you for any second wife of their father's?
Your feelings are entirely natural. But it is best to be careful to whom you confide. Gransnet will not let you down.

Foxgloveandroses Sun 05-Jul-20 09:07:32

Thank you Alexa, after reading all these replies and reflecting a bit and putting everything into perspective, I feel so much better. I wouldn't ask my children for the reassurance I don't think it's fair to do that, this is my issue my insecurity which I have to deal with.
For me, their father and I very sadly came to a mutual decision 16 years ago to separate and divorce, as a result our family is different and non of that is my children's fault so I need to put my big girl pants on and get a grip of myself 😂.
From people's replies children can love us all equally. I'm looking forward to that one day if and when the time comes. 😊

Alexa Sun 05-Jul-20 09:21:30

FoxgloveandRoses, this is your business of course.

I have actually sought reassurance from my sons in similar situation, They well understood my feelings, even while they had to tolerate the second wife in order to see their father.

I guess a lot of first wives feel the same.

Toadinthehole Sun 05-Jul-20 09:32:45

Ah yes....the ‘change’, and it really is! Not just a few hot flushes and no periods.....oh no, a complete overhaul! Basically becoming someone different, not being ‘me’ anymore😮. I know some people sail through it hardly noticing, but I didn’t. The worst physical things being horrible morning type sickness, aching and stiffness. The emotional.....two things I’d never had before...depression and anxiety. You have the advantage of recognising where this is all possibly coming from, and I think when it comes to it...you’ll be fine, and maybe even through the menopause 🤗. Try not to look too far ahead, and go with the flow as much as you can. Look after yourself first and the rest will slide neatly in to place.

Foxgloveandroses Sun 05-Jul-20 09:35:31

Thank you toad-in-the-hole 🤐

Foxgloveandroses Sun 05-Jul-20 09:36:15

Sorry toadinthehole the emoji was supposed to be 🙏 pressed the other by mistake! 😂