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Adopted children finding birth mothers.

(80 Posts)
wicklowwinnie Sun 12-Jul-20 14:21:07

In the 1970s adopted children were given the right to see their original birth certificates and all papers relating to the adoption. This resulted in a great deal of tracing the birth mothers.
Has anyone any experience of where this has been successful and ended in a satisfactory relationship long-term?

biba70 Sun 12-Jul-20 14:26:51

One of my younger colleagues only found out she was adopted, by chance, as a young adult. When she declared to her parents (adoptive but her parents from a baby)- were furious that that she wanted to find her birth mother. As she insisted, they fell out beyond repair. She did find her birth mother and really did not like her or her poor, selfish, excuses for giving her up - and only saw her a few times. She never made up with her adoptive parents. Tragic. So whomever seeks their birth mother must be emotionally prepared for it not to be the fairy tale they dreamt of. Hard.

Bridgeit Sun 12-Jul-20 15:08:23

Sometimes just meeting & finding out the facts is of most benefit. Often there is initial curiosity joy & happiness.
Some remain in contact, for others it drifts away over time.
And for many it does end well , I believe it is worth the effort, as long as the adopted person doesn’t have too many hopes & expectations .Best wishes to anyone who is considering doing this, go for it, but be like a Scout & Be prepared .

annsixty Sun 12-Jul-20 15:13:36

My adopted cousin traced her birth mother when in her 40s, it was upsetting to find out that another daughter born not too long afterwards was brought up in the family and then her mother married and had a third daughter.
There was no happy relationship with mother, she wasn’t interested, neither was the third daughter but a lovely relationship developed with the middle one and many years later they are still the best of friends.
It really can be a minefield, just be prepared for whatever happens.

GrandmaMoira Sun 12-Jul-20 15:34:21

I have had a long term reunion of 25 years.

Starblaze Sun 12-Jul-20 15:43:35

I would love to meet my older sister but if she does decide to trace us, she will find my mum first and I'm estranged from her. So likely we will never meet.

rafichagran Sun 12-Jul-20 15:46:33

I did, she was quite easy to trace. We spoke on the phone, had nothing in common and never spoke again.
I do not feel hard alone by. In fact I dont feel anything

sodapop Sun 12-Jul-20 17:48:48

I met up with my birth mother, it started out well but later resulted in my being blamed for all her life problems. Like rafichagran I didn't let it affect me too much. I had a good life with my adoptive parents and knew from being very young that I was adopted.
I have never had contact with my biological father.

For some people it can work out wicklowwinnie but don't expect too much.

Oopsminty Sun 12-Jul-20 17:55:38

Relative of OH turned up. Nobody had known about this girl.

Biological mother didn't want to meet her

All families and reactions will be different

Sparkling Sun 12-Jul-20 18:19:22

Perhaps for some it just that they need to know their generic roots. I am sure that the relationship with the family that raised them are looked on as true family. I feel sorry for those women in the 50 and 60 whose family didn’t support their young daughters when pregnant and forced them into having their child adopted, at the time it was practically impossible to raise a child without family support. Different and hard times for a lot of girls and it must have traumatised them having their babies taken.

Missfoodlove Sun 12-Jul-20 20:58:32

My husband and his birth mother were two of the first people reunited after a law was passed in 2005 allowing birth parents to trace their children.

It was an interesting journey!

sodapop Sun 12-Jul-20 22:03:33

I thought it was long before that Missfoodlove I was given details and had counselling from Social Services in the 1990s.

GrandmaMoira Sun 12-Jul-20 22:25:39

Sodapop - it was much earlier when adopted adults could search for their birth family but it was 2005 when birth parents could search for their adopted adult children. The children can search independently but the parents have to go through social services or other official bodies.

Grammaretto Sun 12-Jul-20 23:07:44

My nephews traced their birth mothers quite recently, after they became parents themselves. One didn't strike up a relationship but he met a half sister and they are still in touch. He was glad to see what she, bm, looked like and how he got the colouring he did etc.
The other one hasn't yet met his bm but has spoken to her on the phone. I think he will be satisfied with that.
Both boys have always known they were adopted ( and much loved)

annsixty Sun 12-Jul-20 23:27:54

My cousin, spoken about upthread was very much loved by all I was about 16 years older but we still have a very good relationship.
Her adoptive mother, my aunt in law, had a very close family and her cousins on that side, being much closer in age and geographically are very very close to her.
I feel this has always made up for her with her birth mother.
Well I really hope so, she is very grounded and a wonderful mother to her 4 children and a very loved gran to her GC.

Teetime Mon 13-Jul-20 08:17:37

Yes I have my daughter 'found me' about 15 years ago and introduced me to three delightful grandchildren I didn't know I had. We all get on fine. I would say close but more like friends.

felice Mon 13-Jul-20 08:22:14

I had known I was adopted from and early age and traced my birth Mother 15 years ago. I has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and has opened my eyes fully to all the lies my adopted Mother had told.
We have a wonderful relationship and my DGS calls her Granny ***

Iam64 Mon 13-Jul-20 08:41:39

For many years now, it's been rare for a mother to ask for her baby to be adopted. Those young mothers in the 1950 and 60's probably rarely asked for their babies to be adopted. They were often cajoled by their own parents or societies disapproval of unmarried mothers, to give up their baby. It was seen as a new start for the mother and the baby. Adoptive parents were given little information about birth parents. There was usually a lack of medical history of birth parents as well.
Over the past 30 years and more, the majority of children placed for adoption have been removed from their birth parents because of neglect or abuse. Adoptive parents should be provided with medical and social histories so they can help their children develop age appropriate understanding of their family history.
A need to know where we came from is part of being human. Sometimes it works out well, other times less so, as comments on this thread demonstrate.

Grammaretto Mon 13-Jul-20 09:12:21

I am glad to hear that annsixty.
One of my DH cousins was adopted and she is a vital part of that family.
The couple had a son but couldn't have more DC so they adopted her, a baby girl, a Polish orphan.
Thousands of Polish troops were in Scotland during and after world war 2, when the Poles had defended Britain from a possible Nazi invasion, and there were many marriages and liaisons between Scots women and Polish soldiers and I presume she, for whatever reason, couldn't be cared for by her birth parents.

flamenco Mon 13-Jul-20 09:53:46

I was very interested to read all the letters posted. I was adopted and had the most amazing parents. I always knew I had been adopted and of course wondered about my origins. When my parents died, I got my original birth certificate, I was helped by Norcap ro find my birth mother, she was found but didn’t want to meet mr, she was then an old lady and I understood her reasoning, but I found a wonderful brother and we get on so well. I would just say be prepared for some rejections along the way. But knowing ones origins is very good.

Iam64 Mon 13-Jul-20 09:54:20

great contribution flamenco, thanks.

Northernandproud Mon 13-Jul-20 10:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joysutty Mon 13-Jul-20 10:16:00

I always knew i was adopted and said that i would never search for my birth mother but when my son was very ill at about 17 years of age i went to the Birmingham library as had got a copy of my original birth certificate, found her went and met who told me medical history etc. and she was a lovely lady but her husband who she went onto have 2 more daughters with said that he was only concerned with his own 2 children and that the past was the past, but i understood why she did what she did as my father being American left her and her parents had kicked her out and she couldnt survive in a one room and would have had to give up her job then, but maybe when both my parents have died i may search for the 2 half sisters i have who i know live in the Wiltshire area. My son says i should, whereas my daughter is against it saying her grandma and grandad are her real grandparents at the end of the day and they brought me up through thick and thin with what they could afford so its something for the future, but she didnt trace me through that system that is mentioned on one or two of the comments, and my son needed urgent surgery to remove glands from his neck as his calcium level was very high and it was called hyper-parathoyridism (think thats right) which has bearing on the kidneys and so found out also that here was no history of any cancers. But i would have liked to continue a relationship with her as she seemed nice enough. Oh well. Life.

henetha Mon 13-Jul-20 10:17:13

I found my birth mother in my teens.
We were good friends until she died.

jenni123 Mon 13-Jul-20 10:20:35

i was adopted at birth in 1942. I did trace my birth family tho never met my mother as she died at an early age. I did however find a half sister and 2 half brothers. one I did not get to meet as he lived abroad and died from cancer several years ago, I did meet the other brother and my sister. My daughter said how strange it was to see people with a family resemblance.