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(34 Posts)
flamenco Thu 06-Aug-20 11:45:06

Am I being unreasonable? My partner of eleven years who has repeatedly said he will not marry me, which causes me sadness. He refuses to discuss what would happen to me if he died first. All he says I will leave you some money. I know I will have to leave the house we are living in and also his small flat abroad. All this is causing me great anxiety. Any advice would be helpful.

Sparklefizz Thu 06-Aug-20 12:57:04

You are NOT being unreasonable and I am not at all surprised you're feeling anxious. These are big warning signs. You need to protect yourself and look after your own interests. It's no use waiting to see how things will pan out.

merlotgran Thu 06-Aug-20 13:02:13

I wouldn't want to be with somebody like that.

Chewbacca Thu 06-Aug-20 13:08:18

Security? I'd say that you don't have any, wouldn't you? And if you don't have any after 11 years of being with someone, it's doubtful that you will when he dies. Personally, I'd think that he didn't actually care very much for me at all.

maddyone Thu 06-Aug-20 13:32:40

I would advise you to try to get yourself an independent home, either bought or rented, so you are not made homeless by his death should it occur first.
Who is he leaving his house and flat to? Is it his adult children?
I’m sorry, but being told he’ll leave you some money, how much? It wouldn’t reassure me at all.

Niobe Thu 06-Aug-20 13:47:41

“A man, or woman , who refuses to marry his/her partner is waiting for something better to turn up”
I read this many years ago and it has stuck in my mind.

Septimia Thu 06-Aug-20 14:03:04

Do you have a reasonable income of your own? If so, I'd start saving so as to have at least the deposit for a rented property.

Spend some time browsing the housing market in areas you fancy to see if property is affordable there. Make plans for what you would do if the situation arose that he did die and leave you homeless. Just the thought that you know how you can manage can be reassuring.

I would also point out that my uncle's will arranged that the aunt who was living with him (but was not married to him) could stay in the house until she died. It then went to his family. Maybe your partner would do something like that, so that you could then move out only if you wanted to.

flamenco Thu 06-Aug-20 14:28:50

Thank you for all the messages all very sensible. I haven’t lived in this area long. Miles from all friends and family, we moved as he was ill and wanted to be nearer family. I just cannot get used to it here. We have moved from leafy Bucks to fat North, too far from a lifetime in the south east.

AGAA4 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:42:11

flamenco. You need to sort this out with this man as soon as possible. If he continues to refuse to discuss what will happen to his property after he dies, despite the fact that this is causing you worry, then maybe you should try to become more independent as others have said.

Sunnyoutlook Thu 06-Aug-20 14:46:20

Septimia Your comment about an aunt who could stay in your uncle’s house until her death. I heard about one such arrangement but the adult children fell on hard times and shamed the lady into moving into a tiny flat. So they got their hands on what they always thought of as theirs in the end. You deserve better than this.

TerriBull Thu 06-Aug-20 14:49:38

Could you ask him if he would agree to a civil partnership maybe? to ensure you have some financial stability if he were to predecease you;

TerriBull Thu 06-Aug-20 14:52:39

You haven't stated whether he has children from a previous relationship, obviously they would have to be taken into consideration. Nevertheless, 11 years is a considerable amount of time to be sharing a life with someone.

Good luck I hope you manage to sort something out.

flamenco Thu 06-Aug-20 15:09:39

More messages thank you. I have always said if we married we would do pre nup so no danger to his family, still won’t give me one reason why not, find it very hurtful, I have taken good care of him through two big illnesses, gladly done but feeling very used. Now stuck miles away from all social network I had before, and hating city life after a country one.

Hithere Thu 06-Aug-20 15:12:44

Leave him

welbeck Thu 06-Aug-20 15:23:11

if the house was on fire would you feel warm.
or would you think you were imagining, exaggerating it.
you feel used because you are being used.
and have been for a long time.
what would happen if you moved out.
do you have resources to live elsewhere; would you get housing benefit.
maybe contact women's aid. they will know and advise.
he moved to be near his family. again, no thought or provision for you being uprooted.
let his family sort out his care needs.
you've done more than enough.
get your ducks in a row. research. dig your way to freedom.

AGAA4 Thu 06-Aug-20 15:43:11

Is there any way you can get back to the place you felt happy?
This man doesn't care for you or he would make sure you had somewhere to live if he dies.
You need to look after yourself flamenco. You have done enough for him and he is being very selfish.

Nortsat Thu 06-Aug-20 15:58:33

Perhaps some legal advice is in order, to help you understand what your entitlements are, after a partnership of many years.

My partner and I married 6 years ago, after living together for 36 years. We did so for legal and financial reasons (pensions, death in service grant, even the admin side of things etc). It made a lot of sense.

I think you are right to feel uneasy. Have you seen your partner’s will? You really need to be able to understand how the dispersal of his assets will happen. Without that knowledge, as a minimum, you cannot make your own plans and safeguard your own future.

If you can’t discuss marriage and property properly, it feels like there is quite an unequal dynamic happening in your relationship. I am sorry, this must be very difficult. 💐

Illte Thu 06-Aug-20 16:09:02

I would never marry again but it doesn't mean I am waiting for something better to turn up. 😁 I know I've been lucky twice. But marriage? No. So I don't judge him for that.

But the financial legal side needs to be tied up. When we decided to move in together we got legal advice on all the possible scenarios.

If he won't do that he is just using you. Are you contributing to all the expenses of this house?

Susan56 Thu 06-Aug-20 17:01:04

I think you need to decide if you want to stay with this man with him calling all the shots or whether you want to go back to where you were happy.

Whatever you decide to do,I think you need to open a bank account and start putting money in it to finance a deposit on a rental flat and enough money for a couple of months living expenses while you sort things out.

This is an unequal partnership at the moment.Maybe tell him you are unhappy where you are living and see what his reaction is.I think this will give you your answer.

I wish you well💐

TrendyNannie6 Thu 06-Aug-20 17:07:22

I feel for you after 11 years refusing to discuss the future, warning bells sound for me, you have no security

Lucca Thu 06-Aug-20 17:09:36

flamenco

Thank you for all the messages all very sensible. I haven’t lived in this area long. Miles from all friends and family, we moved as he was ill and wanted to be nearer family. I just cannot get used to it here. We have moved from leafy Bucks to fat North, too far from a lifetime in the south east.

What is the fat North ?! Seriously though if you have such differing views about whether to get married or not it does not sound like a great relationship.I would be inclined to insist On sorting out a will or pack it all in and go back to where you were happy.

sodapop Thu 06-Aug-20 17:16:42

I agree with Lucca insist on getting this sorted out so that you have some security or leave the far North and return to where you were happiest.
You are not being unreasonable, sometimes we just have to look after our own interests,

Scribbles Thu 06-Aug-20 19:04:18

Does he own the house you live in? If so, would he agree to your becoming tenants-in-common? You don't to be married; a solicitor an arrange for the title to the property to be changed at the Land Registry and this will give you a 50% stake in your home.

Grandmabatty Thu 06-Aug-20 19:17:49

Far north of England or Scotland? It will make a big difference in legal terms. You have given up your way of life in the south, presumably moved far away from family and friends and helped to support your partner who is refusing to support you. What are you getting out of this relationship right now? Perhaps he is burying his head in the sand and ignoring his mortality. But I would not be happy with a vague promise and would be giving an ultimatum and planning my removal back south.

crazyH Thu 06-Aug-20 19:35:09

Flamenco, this has just happened to a dear friend. She had been living with her partner, for the past 8 years. She was 10 years older and naively thought he would outlive her and didn't see a need for legal documents. How wrong was she ! He died suddenly a few months ago. As someone upthread said, he obviously didn't care for her. In his Will, written just a couple of weeks before he died, he failed to mention her at all. Soon after his death, his family gave her a couple of hundred pounds to tide her over. She has now left the house they shared and is renting a small place. She trusted him to do the right thing by her. She is hoping to get Housing Benefit. She is 68 years old with no chance of gainful employment.