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Moving away from family

(157 Posts)
Morley58 Thu 06-Aug-20 17:13:03

I have been married for 10 years,it’s my second marriage, my husband’s first. We are in our early 60’s & I have 3 married daughters & 3 grandchildren. We used to live in a quiet countryside area but moved 3 years ago 200 miles north to a busy town to b nearer all my family as I missed them all so much especially once the gc arrived & it was so far to go to see them. A year ago my husband said he was really unhappy with the situation as he hated the area,the traffic & built up area & being on his own when I saw the gc. Before we moved here I said I wanted us to see them together but as I only see my daughters & gc during the day when their husbands are at work we don’t do the sort of things my husband would enjoy eg shopping & going to soft play etc he stays at home but says I spend all my time thinking & talking about them & putting arrrangements with them first instead of wanting to do things with him. I think this is unfair as I only see them once a week, sometimes only once a fortnight & I think it’s only natural for me to be interested in their lives but I don’t think I’m obsessive about it.
Now he says he wants to move back to a very quiet country area 200 miles away as we need to separate ourselves from my family & spend more time together as a couple. This was a huge shock to me as I really didn’t see it coming. He says he’s been so unhappy & feels like a spare part with my family always coming first in my affections & my time.
Obviously there’s a lot more to all this than I can go into on here but if anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome some advice as I am devastated by all this.

welbeck Thu 06-Aug-20 17:18:53

but he's got a point hasn't he.

welbeck Thu 06-Aug-20 17:21:59

a year ago he told you he was really unhappy with the situation, but you took no notice and carried on in the way that suited you.
well it didn't suit him. he gave you a year to address the matter or at least take his feelings seriously.
he must be wondering what's the point of being married.
do you think you will separate. he go back down south.

Namsnanny Thu 06-Aug-20 17:37:37

Hello there Morley58... I havent any experience of this, but it seems to me that if you're being fair in your explanation of the circumstances, your husband is very unhappy.
But I think he is basing all his misery on just the one thing - your interaction with your family.

I would be concerned about the future.
What if you do move 200 miles elsewhere, and he is still unhappy?
You could find yourself isolated.

Is it possible counselling could help him see he is focusing on the wrong problem?

Surely he should be trying to make a life for himself where you are now, either with your family or with new friends and hobbies.

IMV visiting family once a week is far from obsessive.
In fact I would say he could be accused of the same thing.

I hope someone else comes along with some good advice, for you who has been in a similar situation.

Morley58 Thu 06-Aug-20 17:38:50

Over a year ago he bought a house without telling me & has been renovating it with plans to move there soon with or without me. As I said there’s a lot more involved than I have been able to put here but I have suggested counselling & offerer alternates like spending half our time in each place but he still says he doesn’t want to live where we are now because he hates the area as well as my family activities.

Doodledog Thu 06-Aug-20 17:45:02

If you are only seeing your children once a week or a fortnight, I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all.

What would you be doing with your husband if you cut yourself off from your family altogether? The two of you can't do everything together, or you would feel suffocated, and may well find that you have nothing to talk about.

There is clearly a problem in the fact that your husband hasn't settled in your new area. This is a difficult one, as you both have a right to be happy, and unless there is a compromise (eg finding somewhere less busy but still near your family) then either one of you will be unhappy or you will have to consider whether it is worth staying together.

Have you discussed this properly? Not as an argument, but in the spirit of trying to find a way to move forward so that you are both happy?

I know we are only seeing your side of things, but (to me) your husband sounds as though he is being unreasonable by objecting to you doing something without him once a week or so, particularly as he was invited but chose not to go with you. Can he not amuse himself for that length of time? Is he jealous of the fact that you have family and he doesn't?

Maybe the way forward is to find him something to do on the days you spend with your family? To be honest, though, I would be surprised if he were prepared even to think about it, as I think the objection is a red herring. He seems very controlling (or possibly very needy), and if you move miles from your family you are going to have nobody but him, which could bring problems down the line - particularly if he puts the kibosh on your spending time with friends as well as family.

My advice (which is easier to give than to follow, I know) would be to insist on your right to see whomever you see fit, whilst at the same time genuinely looking for a solution that will let him see that you are taking his objection to the area seriously. If nothing else, it might concentrate his mind on what is the real issue (it is possible that he doesn't realise), and then you can look at that together, whatever it turns out to be.

welbeck Thu 06-Aug-20 17:45:47

bit of a drip feed there.
i think that house speaks for itself.

Hithere Thu 06-Aug-20 17:46:02

He is your dh and your core family. You are ignoring him and his needs.

He has very valid points.

It doesnt matter you see them once a week. It sounds like they are in your mind all the time, even if they are not in physical presence.

Doodledog Thu 06-Aug-20 17:46:28

I cross-posted with Namsnanny, but it seems we both have similar views smile.

Namsnanny Thu 06-Aug-20 17:48:05

To be honest, the more I think about this the more it seems a bit unreasonable of him to expect you to fulfil all his needs.

Why cant you both join a club together or go away (as it is possible now) together and give him the attention he feels he is missing?

I do agree with welbecks point that you've had a year to try to compromise with him.
So he must be feeling pushed aside somewhat, and I do have sympathy with him on that score.

NotSpaghetti Thu 06-Aug-20 17:50:02

When he bought the house without telling you, was he hoping you would want to move with him or was he basically saying he had had enough?

Doodledog Thu 06-Aug-20 17:53:12

Has he offered any sort of compromise solution, or is he just saying that you should do as he wants or he will leave?

Namsnanny Thu 06-Aug-20 17:58:37

Doodledog ... great minds.......grin

Morley58 ... How far away is the house, and how much time is he spending renovating it?
Well, actually the answer to the above doesn't really matter much, if he is determined to force you into a corner.

Hithere Thu 06-Aug-20 18:03:00

Where is the money for the house coming from?
If you did not consent to that expense and the renovations, he is committing financial infidelity
He is checked out of the marriage.

Susan56 Thu 06-Aug-20 18:15:26

I think Hithere has a good point in that he has checked out of the marriage.

He has bought another house without telling you and asking you to move away from your family who are so important to you.I think he is probably pretty sure you won’t abandon your family.

He doesn’t seem to want to compromise.

Chloejo Thu 06-Aug-20 18:15:37

Private message sent

tanith Thu 06-Aug-20 18:22:12

I’m sorry but in your shoes I’d let him go or have to give up your close relationship with your family.
I was lucky in that my long time bachelor second husband embraced my 3 children and all the GC and we did loads with them holidays and babysitting he loved them all if he made it obvious he wanted me all to himself he’d have to go his own way I wouldn’t give up my family however much I loved him.

Illte Thu 06-Aug-20 19:13:03

I wouldn't give up my family either if OH said he wished he was back on the south coast.

But I feel compelled to point out that Grannies can be awful bores, constantly bringing their grandchildren to every conversation.
Sometimes having no other conversation! And not realising it😬

Grandmabatty Thu 06-Aug-20 19:24:55

Does he complain when you go out with friends? Does he control all the finances? Does he ever visit your family? When he told you he didn't enjoy the activities with your family, did you discuss what he would like to do with them? It seems he warned you a long time ago that he was unhappy, bought another house without consulting you and is planning to move. What are you actually getting out of this marriage right now, as I can't see you are on the same page.

quizqueen Thu 06-Aug-20 19:38:21

One day for family/ 6 days for him is a good deal so there must be other factors involved here, but I do understand what it's like to move area and not be happy. It was one of the
main factors which actually led to the end of my. marriage

NanKate Thu 06-Aug-20 19:47:43

I’m with you Tanith I wouldn’t give up my family for anyone. IMO he sounds selfish and self-centred and wants to be pampered.

Morley58 Thu 06-Aug-20 19:51:00

Yes he says the area is more of an issue than my family but he agreed to come here after I’d spent 8 years living in his old house in another very isolated country area far away from all my family. I am desperately looking for a solution that doesn’t make me choose between my husband & my family. Husband has never been married before or had children or is close to any of his family.

Gingster Thu 06-Aug-20 19:54:36

He sounds very needy. I couldn’t be doing with a DH who has to be with me all the time. He needs to find his own hobbies. Very immature and selfish

Luckygirl Thu 06-Aug-20 20:30:07

I can sympathise with him not wanting to be in a town - I would lose the will to live if I did not have fields and sky around me. So that is a reasonable gripe on his part. If he does not feel at home in the town it must be miserable for him.

But grumbling because you devote on day a week to your family is not entirely reasonable; unless of course he feels that they are more important to you than he is - does he have any reason to feel that? Any thing you might change there?

Buying a house where he wants to be is not unreasonable either - but doing it without telling you is a bit off the wall!

Is there some compromise to be had here, with time shared between the different properties?

sodapop Thu 06-Aug-20 22:12:49

It's difficult to understand the pull of family when you don't have your own. You spent some years living where he wanted to Morley but it seems he is unable to settle now. To buy another house without telling you seems like he is set on getting his way regardless.
There must be some compromise here surely. You do need to talk this through and then decide on your priorities. As we don't know everything which has gone before its difficult to advise.