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Anyone awake please help

(52 Posts)
Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:04:05

Hi, I'm sorry to sound desperate, but I am. I have yet again sabotaged a perfectly normal relationship with my baggage and issues which I've tried to resolve but clearly failed. I am successful in every area of my life apart from relationships and right now ot looks like once again I have pushed someone until they have had enough. I hate myself. Please help.

Doodledog Sun 29-Nov-20 01:27:53

Can you apologise- maybe saying to the person you have upset what you have said on here?

It might be better to wait till the morning if they are not with you just now though. Try to get some sleep in the meantime.

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:33:34

Thank you for taking time to reply. He's downstairs and doesn't want me anywhere near him. I'm upstairs bolt upright in bed. This has happened before because I have a ridiculous impulse to ittle up then blurt out my distress. He doesn't want drama and has warned me that next time it happens that is it. He basically just told me he is out of this relationship. I hate myself. There was no need for me to do this, none at all. He's got to get up for work at 5. I think he's had enough. We had a massive blow out just before this lockdown and he threatened to leave or go for a trial separation. I have accused him of looking for a way out.

Namsnanny Sun 29-Nov-20 01:38:03

Are you in the UK Mambypamby? I only ask because of the time difference.
It's a bit difficult to be constructive without knowing a little more.
But I dont say spill on here, it is an open forum afterall.
You seem to be taking all the blame for the problems in your relationship.
Is it really too far gone? Or are you stressed out and seeing the worst of things?
Your only human. We all cock up.
Take a deep breath and find a way to be kind to yourself.

sharon103 Sun 29-Nov-20 01:40:28

Good advice Doodledog.

Have you thought about seeing a behavioural therapist?
Try to get some sleep. The Grans will be here in the morning to offer their thoughts.
Night night.

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:42:04

Hi, yes, I am in the UK. This is of my making he can't possibly know why I was upset for such a stupid thing. I know I have been unreasonable and I have apologised in the past but he has had enough. It tends to blow up out of proportion because he makes it such a massive deal. I only want to have a little sulk.

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:46:16

I am preparing myself for the split. I think he probably doesn't love me - I don't see a row as a deal breaker but he sees any glitch as a sign to get out. I think he probably doesn't want endless hassle but I try to explain it's not a major deal. I think I should accept that relationships are just not "my thing" . I just can't do them. My past, my self esteem and my experiences have contributed but also being bombarded daily with poor advice and criticism from my mother

Namsnanny Sun 29-Nov-20 01:46:38

Could you write down positive things about being g with him in a note + an apology?
He can read it when he is at a quiet time in his schedule.
You could try talking now but it seems a bit hard on him if he has to get up early.
Could you be reacting instinctively to some underlying feelings you think he has?
That's why you bottle up then release all the emotion. Because you cant get a firm hold on his real thoughts?
If so it's not entirely your fault is it?

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:47:07

His final words before storming downstairs were leave me alone, I am out of this relationship, I'm done

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:50:09

Namsnanny you've hit the nail on the head. I am vocal, communicative, passionate and impulsive. He isn't any of those. He says actions are louder than words but I have a constant niggle that he isn't revealing what he really thinks. Also, one or two small things, unimportant irrelevant things, he's failed to mention. So my trust issues are through the roof.

Namsnanny Sun 29-Nov-20 01:52:53

Maybe he means it maybe he doesnt.
Can you write this out for yourself? To give vent to the stress, or you wont be able to think straight.

Hithere Sun 29-Nov-20 01:53:39

I believe he does love you.

He has remained in the relationship despite the multiple disagreements you have had but I am afraid if he has had enough, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you

It may mean he cannot continue hitting the same rock over and over again without a solution

Have you considered therapy, as this is a long term pattern?

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 01:57:52

I already feel I can't think straight. I honestly thought I had done the work. Realised when he said this is my house and he was going downstairs to let me sleep in the bed (despite a bed in the spare room) that maybe my constant tidying his things was making him feel uncomfortable. I think he's done with me. He's also having emotional thoughts about his widowed elderly father who lives alone and his 5 adult kids who mostly are living in his matrimonial him. It's complex but deep down I am not his priority

FarNorth Sun 29-Nov-20 02:20:49

Mambypamby, looking back at your previous thread, at the start of November, I think this man wants you to be on edge and desperate to please him without him having to make much effort at all.
Don't blame yourself entirely.

Going by what you said on that thread, a lot of posters thought you'd be better off without him.
I think that's right and that, if he does stay, this kind of situation will keep happening.
And it's not all your fault.

FarNorth Sun 29-Nov-20 02:22:33

It's a good idea to write things down, just for yourself, even if they don't make sense.
Just write whatever comes into your head, then tear it up.

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 02:27:41

Thank you FarNorth it certainly felt like that but we talked and he has been making a massive effort - I just hate myself for never being happy. I want perfection, because I have trust issues. I know this. Yet I can't control myself. I have ruined this relationship by looking for flaws. Unfortunately I don't know what a good relationship looks like. My parents had a tempestuous violent marriage. I've been divorced and been involved with countless unsuitable men. I wish I could be less impulsive. I am steeling myself to go through yet another break up. I can't bear it. The pattern is usually that I instigate it, then retract with remorse but the damage is done. I am no spring chicken, at 61 I should know and do better. I wish I had a magic wand

Hithere Sun 29-Nov-20 03:29:11


He may or not love you, but love is not the only thing that keeps a couple together.

The issue here is that you are not a good match - you have been having issues for a long time

It is time for him to go. This time. For real. Bye bye.

BlueBelle Sun 29-Nov-20 03:36:10

Please don’t take this the wrong way but you do sound very hard work, but he may not be happy eitherm perhaps the clue is when you say that you have been involved with countless unsuitable men it is necessary to take time alone, without a man in your life and do some work on yourself before embarking on another relationship You need to learn how to control some of your impulsiveness so that you learn to think before you act You may need outside help with a counsellor
There is no point blaming yourself with big ‘mea culpa’ drama unless you are prepared to work on yourself

How long have you been in this relationship? how long between this and the last relationship ? What do you learn from these ‘mistakes’ or do you just make the same mistakes with each new relationship

Stop and take time to sort yourself out before embarking on yet another disaster or else you will just continue destroying everything including your own self worth and mental health

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 03:45:14

Bluebelle I honestly thought I'd worked through my issues this time but clearly not. We have been together two and a half years and we live together. We are on the same wave length. I can't cope with his "distance" times which I see as rejection. I understand people need time apart and we do things separately current measures permitting bit I think the previous poster hit it on the head by saying I have picked up on something he may not be disclosing. I don't want to a cold aloof relationship but sometimes I think he is working towards that. As I said he has been making an effort but I know I am hard work at times. I am preparing myself for the worst.

rosecarmel Sun 29-Nov-20 05:16:50

Strong women either remain single or enter into relationships with individuals that are supportive, see and love them for who they are and aren't afraid to be known-

I'm not saying none of them settle for less- But when they do they don't expect more-

FannyCornforth Sun 29-Nov-20 05:30:17

I do think that you need to split up.
Relationships really shouldn't be this hard.
You are obviously aren't well suited.
He doesn't seem to bring out the best in you, he's not making you happy and vice versa.
Sorry, but it's not the end of the world flowers

FannyCornforth Sun 29-Nov-20 05:31:34

Forgive my rubbish syntax confused

Mambypamby Sun 29-Nov-20 05:35:50

Thank you rosecarmel
What a wake-up call ..

Susan56 Sun 29-Nov-20 10:37:14

Please don’t put all the blame on yourself.I recall from your previous thread that he wasn’t being kind to you and you had a lot of advice advising that you ask him to leave.
Be kind to yourself.You deserve better💐

FarNorth Sun 29-Nov-20 20:21:10

How are you now, Mambypamby?