Gransnet forums


Do you spend similar on adult children & partner

(106 Posts)
Saranine Sat 26-Dec-20 12:07:15

Hello smile

I have joined here to try and get your perspective please.

We bought our DIL two presents for Christmas. But bought our Son a few more and gave him some cash. He wasn’t impressed and didn’t see why we hadn’t just given the money to them both to share.

I think he’s making an issue out of nothing. He’s our son, it’s surely normal to spend more on him?

My husband also thinks our Son is causing unnecessary drama.

Dottynan Sat 26-Dec-20 12:11:40

We always give a cheque addressed to both.

timetogo2016 Sat 26-Dec-20 12:12:33

Your husband is spot on Saranine.
He should be gratefull.

Soozikinzi Sat 26-Dec-20 12:14:01

He can spend on something for them both if he wants can’t he ? Your husband is correct.

dolphindaisy Sat 26-Dec-20 12:17:55

I always give mine money in an envelope addressed to
both of them, I also do a
"stocking " each and spend roughly the same on each. I would be embarrassed to give my son a lot more than DIL

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 26-Dec-20 12:18:54

We don’t buy for adults, not even each other.

Toadinthehole Sat 26-Dec-20 12:20:57

Same Disco. We stopped over 30 years ago....when people complained about their presents. Children only now, so much easier, and there’s never been any awkwardness.

Jaxjacky Sat 26-Dec-20 12:26:41

We spend roughly the same it depends what’s on their Christmas lists, ditto GC’s.

kittylester Sat 26-Dec-20 12:27:06

Bet she feels welcome in your family!!!

NotAGran55 Sat 26-Dec-20 12:31:59

When my sons settle into permanent relationships we will give a joint or equal small gifts to them both . I wouldn’t dream of treating them differently.

My in-laws had in the past always treated me equally to their son (although we no longer give or receive gifts amongst other family / friends adults except our own AC )

SuzannahM Sat 26-Dec-20 12:32:15

In my family in-laws are part of the family so always get the same.

For years my MiL on the other hand always gave me a 'little something' and my OH something nice - she obviously was giving me something because she thought she ought to rather than because she wanted to and I always wished she just hadn't bothered. It just made me feel bad that she didn't think of me as part of the family. After a while my OH used to ask her for something for the house between us.

Callistemon Sat 26-Dec-20 12:35:00

I spend the same on all of them, perhaps the children get an extra present or two, but all adults have the same amount or equivalent in gifts.

Lyndylou Sat 26-Dec-20 12:35:44

I think it depends on the circumstances. The last couple of years we have sourced nice presents for son's girldfriend and given him money knowing it would be spent on the work needed on their house. This year they have a new baby so all my Xmas cash went on toys for baby and my daughter's teenage son and we had a strict £20 each limit for adults. Even then they said they would rather have baby equipment so that is what we did.
If your son would rather cash is given to him and wife, then that is probably the best way forward for next year, but for this then I agree he should just be grateful.

Sheepandcattle Sat 26-Dec-20 12:41:48

I spend the same on my DiLs as I do on my sons - it wouldn’t occur to me to spend less. And having had sons, it’s a treat for me to buy women-type presents as opposed to just man-stuff! I’m very fortunate as my DiLs are very generous with their time and sharing family life with me and I consider them as my friends as well as my sons’ wives. If giving more to your son than to your DiL is causing a problem to your son, why not just split the gifts or money equally between them? Surely that’s the simplest solution?

dragonfly46 Sat 26-Dec-20 12:42:48

I probably spend more on my DiL than my son actually!

BlueBelle Sat 26-Dec-20 12:43:14

I always give money addressed to them both to be spent or shared as they see fit I m not surprise your son wasn’t too pleased
So I m sorry but I think you and your husband are wrong and your son right Why not a present each and the money addressed to both I think sneaking him extra is asking for trouble to be honest

Reverse and imagine if your in laws had given your husband more than you, PLUS money for him wouldn’t you have felt a bit second class and not really part of the family

Saranine Sat 26-Dec-20 13:01:24

Thank you all your responses. I didn’t know if I would get any replies! It’s really appreciated.

It hasn’t really occurred to me to spend the same on them. I just thought it was normal to spend more on your own child. I told my Son when he brought it up that it’s up to him to spend it on wherever he likes. But the issue is that he thinks DIL felt excluded. I don’t think she showed any interest to be honest so I think it was just Son making a big deal of it.

@kittylester I did buy her some presents. So I don’t know why she wouldn’t feel welcome?

We do all spend a lot of time together as a family so I always thought we all got on well enough.

Saranine Sat 26-Dec-20 13:03:38

@BlueBelle We didn’t sneak him the money. We gave it him in front of everyone. I wouldn’t go behind anyone’s back smile

I have known my in laws for a lot of years though.

Sparklefizz Sat 26-Dec-20 13:11:57

I have always treated the partners of my son and daughter exactly the same as my own birth children.

I had the most marvellous in-laws when I was young and newly married. On our wedding day they said to me that I was the 2nd daughter they had never had, and they always treated me that way. I loved them dearly, and even when I divorced their son 16 years later, they were always neutral, always kind and I stayed in touch with them until they died in their 90s. They have been my role models on being a good mother-in-law.

cornishpatsy Sat 26-Dec-20 13:19:29

I spend the same on my daughter and son in law, actually this year my son in laws gift cost a bit more than my daughters.

Your daughter in law is the most important person in your sons life and it probably irks him that you do not see her as so important.

Baggs Sat 26-Dec-20 13:31:20

It shouldn't be about money. The value of a true present does not lie in its cost. Perhaps a shared present (of money or something they want that you can afford) for your son and his family would keep the waters smooth.

From what you've said, I don't think your son is being unreasonable.

petra Sat 26-Dec-20 13:32:55

My daughter and son in law don't get Xmas presents. But when it comes to birthdays I find out what they want. One of them might want something costing more than the other and visa versa. It's what they want. I don't put a price on the gift.

Kate1949 Sat 26-Dec-20 13:38:25

We usually spend a bit more on our daughter than our son-in-law. It's not deliberate. We ask what they want and try to get that plus a few bits n bobs. It usually works out that we spend more on our daughter as I could pick out hundreds of bits n bobs for her but never gave a clue what to get him. They both seem happy with it all.

Kate1949 Sat 26-Dec-20 13:39:45

have a clue not gave a clue

geekesse Sat 26-Dec-20 13:42:02

The practice you describe could be read like this:

‘You may be married to my son, but he’s the only one I really care about.’

It’s a first step down a very slippery slope. I counsel you very strongly to reconsider how you value people.