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Lockdown Marriage/relationshi honest, be brave.

(103 Posts)
Spiritof67 Wed 20-Jan-21 19:26:45

Hello All....I’ve been reading a few posts on the forum about relationships/marriages during lockdown....I thought I would share my own experiences. My wife is 50, I’m 54, I have a son who is 27 (who has twin boys) from a long ago relationship, my wife is childfree....we have been married eight years, our second marriages respectively......
We “bumble along nicely”, nice standard of living, both employed,couple of holidays a year (nothing exotic) a very mediocre sex life (mutually guilty !)...just your average couple.....
When the first lockdown became very obvious that there was tension in the air, we were not bumbling along nicely in each other’s company all the time....I’m in construction & she is in banking, so we are always out of the house during the day and also had individual hobbies....
Tensions were brewing & niggles were occurring....this continued to escalate as the year wore on.....
It came to a head and a big dose of Honesty was needed from both of us. The reality was “we didn’t really like each other all that much !”
Some very honest and Frank conversations were had, that needed to be had & a re-evaluation of where we both wanted to go in our lives. Fortunately we were both on the same wavelength and although it might seem irrational to the outside we agreed (mutually) to separate for own respective happiness & well being....what does the song say “if you love someone, set them free”
It might seem a bit radical, but we are both now busily buying new properties, going through a divorce settlement & excitedly buying new things for our new houses.
Currently still living in the same house (separately) and behaving like adults...that have just taken stock of things & been BRAVE.
The point of this post is.....if you are not happy, then be brave and move on....we’re not here for a long time, we are here for a good time ! I’m sure we have all had friends pass away before their time and we have thought “bloody hell” that could have been me !
I’m no psychologist, just a normal Joe in his 50’s, that is in the fortunate position of living with an honest woman that felt the same.....
If you are feeling the same as me, be brave & have the never know what the outcome might feels very cathartic

Poppyred Wed 20-Jan-21 20:11:41

Wow you make it sound so,easy! Obviously no love lost between you and no financial encumbrances to stop you perusing separate lives.

Win win situation. Most people would have mountains to climb before considering such a move. Nothing to do with being BRAVE.

Marydoll Wed 20-Jan-21 20:17:47

I agree Poppyred, very easy if you are finacially independant, many woman are not.

Marydoll Wed 20-Jan-21 20:18:08


Oopsadaisy1 Wed 20-Jan-21 20:19:59

Many people aren’t in a good (financial, health, children) position to even consider being able to move out and on.

If only life was so simple.

Jaxjacky Wed 20-Jan-21 20:24:16

As others have said, you’re financially independent, also relatively young, no health issues mentioned and not been together that long.

Ro60 Wed 20-Jan-21 20:27:41

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Vickysponge Wed 20-Jan-21 20:34:43

Message deleted by Gransnet as it quotes a previously deleted post.

Spiritof67 Wed 20-Jan-21 20:42:09

Wow ! Thankyou for all the “positive” comments (tongue in cheek !)
Financially independent....we have both agreed to not see each other in the “crap”. We are both massively down sizing....but what price happiness ?

A dating site ? Sorry ? I was merely pointing out.....don’t put up & shut up....just stop procrastinating and do it....

No health problems, no...not yet, but you can never be sure what is around the corner......

MissAdventure Wed 20-Jan-21 21:02:42

People are allowed to surf gransnet, you know!

How unpleasant some of you are.

GagaJo Wed 20-Jan-21 21:34:54

Message deleted by Gransnet. Quotes a deleted post.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 20-Jan-21 21:47:56

Spirit we aren’t rude really, but so many people post on here because they aren’t able to have an amicable split and having a really rough time, very rarely does someone come on and say ‘hey look at me it’s all fine and dandy, just be brave’ as I said, if it was that easy people wouldn't need the help and support of GNers.

The brave bit (I think) was you coming on here telling everyone to just go for it.

Casdon Wed 20-Jan-21 22:07:03

Good for you Spiritof67, if you are financially independent it’s so much better in every way if your relationship isn’t working out to separate, and ultimately to be happy.

I feel desperately sorry for people who are trapped in loveless relationships, and are unable to find a means of escape - you’re right, you do have to be brave to split, and also confident that you will be able to manage on your own (not just financially), which a lot of women have huge issues with.

I hope you and your wife find happiness in your new lives.

M0nica Wed 20-Jan-21 22:09:44

Doesn't sound much of a relationship that can be shed with so little emotion after such a short period of disruption.

Namsnanny Wed 20-Jan-21 22:16:26

The word is confidence as you pointed out Casdon.

You have to be fairly sure you are doing the best thing for yourself AND you can cope with the emotional roller coaster such a big change brings.

Frankly I've never heard of anyone having a split as easy as this!

Lucca Wed 20-Jan-21 22:22:55

Interesting post and I cannot begin to understand the aggressive comments about “surfing “. Please tell me it’s not because it’s a male ??
I think OP made perfect sense.

Spiritof67 Wed 20-Jan-21 22:35:13

In response.....
Two grown ups, that have had the sense to sit down & see that they are actually not making each other happy anymore....mutually agree to separate. We “care” enough that neither of us want to see each other screwed over....why waste negative energy on maliciousness ? Simple divorce process with a clean financial break, simple house sale 50/50 pointless arguing over “joint ownership” of the record collection. Anything that was jointly owned has been sold & the money split. We will both have a little house each (nothing grand) and less a standard (subjective ?) than we have been used to.....But the point is happiness....what price happiness ?
Are you all familiar with the poem “The Dash” ? Read it....and stop pontificating about ifs/buts.....
My “ex” wife (not finalised yet) are moving on with a gentlemen’s handshake.....we are being sensible & realistic....

Ro60 Wed 20-Jan-21 22:36:32

Not rude - intrigued. I agree with all other posts.

Shinamae Wed 20-Jan-21 22:40:13

Spiritof67... I salute you.....

Spiritof67 Wed 20-Jan-21 23:00:36


Doesn't sound much of a relationship that can be shed with so little emotion after such a short period of disruption.

That is the wasn’t much of a had turned into flat mates, living separate lives, but being pleasant to each other....a good friendship, not a great marriage.

MissAdventure Wed 20-Jan-21 23:03:02

Will you stay friends, do you think?

nadateturbe Wed 20-Jan-21 23:53:20

I thought this was going to be a thread about couples having difficulties because of the lock down but who still love each other.

Spiritof67 Thu 21-Jan-21 06:33:33


Will you stay friends, do you think?

Umm....I’m not sure, I don’t think we would purposely go out of our way to see each other, but if we crossed paths, we would be civil & pleasant.....
I cannot understand people’s negativity on here. My logic of posting was to point out....that it CAN be done. If you are not happy, do something about it....why should two people make each other’s life miserable for the sake of a piece of paper & a ring ? It’s not the 1950’s anymore......
Don’t clip your partners wings...let them fly !

Kandinsky Thu 21-Jan-21 07:03:39

It’s a lot easier to end an 8 year relationship with no children, people are doing it everyday of the week I’m sure.
Although, many people ( especially in the older age groups ) do decide to stay together for ‘companionship’ as it’s probably better than life alone. all things considered.
But if you literally cannot stand the sight of each other then yes, absolutely, just spilt.

Calendargirl Thu 21-Jan-21 07:08:49

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