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Does money = value in a relationship

(53 Posts)
WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:15:04

Hi. Have a conundrum I’d like help with. My OH of 8 years (not married) is very comfortable financially. I’m okish. I can survive. 🥴. I ask for nothing and I get nothing! I pay half of living expenses but we live in his house. He pays for holidays-but he chooses them as he’s paying- I can’t afford to do otherwise. He’s very careful with money. He has a son who he sees but he is not allowed to be involved in his sons life. He has a daughter who lives in London- we’re in the North. He hasn’t seen her -her choice - for 5 years. She speaks to him once or twice a year. Usually at Christmas. She doesn’t acknowledge I exist - his ex wife left him well before we met. I have a son and daughter who are regularly in our lives and 2 grandchildren who adore their grandad.
He has never been generous with me but this last Christmas threw me. I got the usual gift of low value and not much thought. He bought nothing for my kids or our grandchildren. But I discover he bought his daughter a running machine! Also he bought a friend of ours a lovely little gift ‘because he knew she’d love it’. That’s very nice, she is lovely, but it’s strange to me. We don’t really know her. We’ve only met her twice some years ago. There’s nothing sinister. She’s very happily married and I have a suspicion she’s a bit thrown too by messages she sends to me. It’s almost as if we’re humouring him?
His Will reflects this behaviour too. I get nothing and have to be out of the house - my home - in 6 months as his kids will want to sell it. His kids get everything. (He doesn’t know I’ve seen his will). They’re a very money oriented family and we’re not. But I feel like my resentment to this lack of gifts/financial support means I’m actually ‘money oriented too’! I feel it means I’m not valued. I feel he values ‘the wrong people’ - I’m cringing as I write that 🥴. Is it me?? I just want to understand more than anything. If I ask it makes me look grabbing. He won’t understand. He’s not good at stuff like that. I keep thinking there’s years ahead of us and things could change. I shouldn’t throw this away just for money - but is it actually about money or value?? Help please ❤️

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:22:27

It isn’t just about money though is it? It’s about control.
His money, so he makes all of the choices, holidays, gifts, presumably where you are living .
Have you tried to regain some control? If so was he amenable or did the money issue raise its head?
It seems that it’s starting to get to you and unless you can sort it, I think it will niggle at you forever.
I doubt he will change.
Decision time......

Lucca Sun 24-Jan-21 10:25:11

Do you have conversations about this ? Surely that is the way forward. If he gets angry or won’t discuss then you have your answer. He doesn’t consider you an equal partner. I don’t know what your rights are financially should you choose to leave him but no doubt someone on here will know. I wasn’t clear if your grandchildren are his ?

WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:44:55

Grandchildren are mine. He has very few friends. His family don’t pay him attention. I think he’ll be devastated if I left as he’d lose such a lot in terms of personal/family value. So that being so, why does he not acknowledge that?? I don’t understand. I’ve tried to talk to him but he’s really bad at expressing himself. We’ll end up with me in tears of frustration and him looking like a hunted man. He’s not emotionally intelligent at all. I keep thinking I should just ask for money but that’s against all my principles-maybe I ditch principles !??

WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:46:59

Oh and sorry - I have no rights at all if I left. And yes he doesn’t think of us as equals. He was brought up in a patriarchal family. Mine was matriarchal. We clash!!

Elusivebutterfly Sun 24-Jan-21 10:51:33

I would feel very insecure if I were you. You live in his house and if he dies first, you will be homeless. Are you in a position to buy somewhere small of your own or rent somewhere? You could then have a more equal relationship, if you wish to continue it, and you would have security.

WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:52:19

You’re right it is about control. I’m aware and on my toes. I’m getting my own control in order. Saving money. Making sure he pays for stuff. Not being so generous with my money - I’ve bought stuff for our home for example- am not doing that now. But, I’m not doing I’m negating a part of it being my home??? If that makes sense? He’s been very attentive since Christmas when I gave him what for re the presents. This money thing is still niggling me though. And if I don’t say something soon it’ll blow up. I need to find a way of saying it without sounding like I’m after his money? But I am??? Aargh.

WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 10:54:30

Yes that’s my plan. But I think my ‘feelings’ are that I shouldn’t have to do that. He should want to look after me??? He’s looking after his kids who don’t give him the time of day while I’m left out financially. He says I’ll benefit while he’s alive. Nice.

gt66 Sun 24-Jan-21 11:01:15

Where were you living before you lived with him? Can you go back to it? If not, then perhaps you could ask him where he expects you to go if he dies before you?

I appreciate it would be hard to leave him if you're otherwise happy, but it sounds to me like he doesn't have enough respect for you to make sure you'll be ok if/when something happens to him and is possibly just happy to have you as his companion/housekeeper/lover in the meantime. If he really cared he would want you to be secure surely?

GagaJo Sun 24-Jan-21 11:02:35

Being purely practical, you are not married so have no rights to his home or any of his assets.

It is NOT mercenary to think of your long term security. It would be slightly different if you had the right to live in his house until YOUR death (or remarriage), but 6 months?

You say you are starting to make plans. I would continue with that.

Ultimately, he spends his money on the things he values. And this is a hard thing to say (and I am sorry to say it) but that isn't you.

I wouldn't confront him about the presents, although it sounds as if you have already done that. But I WOULD confront him about your long term security. I think you need to tell him that if it can't be resolved, you will work towards moving into a place of your own.

My bloke fits this kind of category, although he is not mean with gifts etc. BUT his unwillingness to consider the affects of us living together on my long term security means he now has a very part-time partner who works out of the country. He hates it, but he has reaped what he sowed.

Greta8 Sun 24-Jan-21 11:06:04

You can't make him change his attitude - there's nothing in it for him after eight years - he's got you exactly where he wants you. You have absolutely no power in the relationship, he's made that abundantly clear. You are so vulnerable here, with no security for your future. If I were in your position, the thought of having to be out of the house within six months after he died would galvanise me into action. Could you buy a small house or flat and let it out for now? That would give you some security for the future. He can't be a very nice man not to want to provide for you.

Missfoodlove Sun 24-Jan-21 11:06:13

Is all this because his first wife fleeced him?

You don’t mention your feelings for him, could his behaviour mean an end the relationship?

If I really loved him, I would request marriage and financial equality.

We are living in a pandemic if the worst happened you would be out on your ear, how can that be right?

tanith Sun 24-Jan-21 11:26:33

You really need to have the discussion about your security should he die. No need to bring money into it but ask maybe what he thinks what would happen to you should the worst happen. If he won’t discuss then tell him you need to start planning for that scenario then.

SisterAct Sun 24-Jan-21 11:29:13

‘He doesn’t know I’ve seen the will’

Think carefully about the timings of your discussions with him. It sounds as though he could turn things on you .

I have a friend who is divorced and has a lovely relationship with her new partner (3 years) but both agreed to keep their own homes and have a joint account, paying in the same amount towards meals out and holidays. Maybe a way forward

WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 11:33:25

Thank you all. There are several nails hit on head here. Yes his ex wife fleeced him. Yes I think I’m companion/ housekeeper with benefits. So for now, I’m saving my cash and behaving as exactly that. I can leave if I want and he knows that. I won’t stay where I’m not valued. The talk will come. I’m not someone who can stay quiet. Thank you for seeing I’m not mercenary. I think it’s my need for fairness that is offended. If I thought he was being fair I’d have no problems thanks all. You’ve cleared my mind. Have a nice Sunday. Xxx.

WW010 Sun 24-Jan-21 11:34:34

Yep a good plan. I think a joint account would be a big benefit to us. Thanks.

eazybee Sun 24-Jan-21 11:37:09

You have to confront this man about your financial situation. You have absolutely no security in your present arrangement, neither now or in the future, and have fewer rights than a lodger.
You don't say how old you are or if you are working, but you have to make provisions for your future; at present you are his mistress, except that you pay half the living expenses so you are not even a kept woman.
You don't need to tell him you know the contents of his will, but you do have a right to ask about your future security; it is not mercenary, but simple common sense. If he won't agree to discuss it you really have to consider making alternative arrangements; it doesn't sound as though you are his priority; he is.

Galaxy Sun 24-Jan-21 11:42:37

What do you mean when you say he is not allowed to be in his sons life?
I think you should seek advice quickly, you are in a very vulnerable position.

M0nica Sun 24-Jan-21 12:13:40

This relationship is unbalanced. Oviously your partner is still severely traumatised from the finanical implications of the break-up of his first marriage. This is why he is neither suggesting you marry and acts the way he does over money. He has been let down once by someone he loved and trusted and then took him to the cleaners and he is now desperately protecting himself from it happening again.

To me, the best solution is to get your money and plans all sorted so that you have the confidence of knowing that you can walk out any day and set yourself up on your own. have a flat deposit saved, know what market rents are and what you can afford.

Then I think you need to talk to your partner about his problem in trusting any relationship after the traumatic collapse of his marriage. which is what I think is behind his use of money to protect himself. It is his armour.

Madgran77 Sun 24-Jan-21 12:13:43

I too am concerned about your vulnerability. Talk to him when ready about your position if something happened to him.

But I also think you need to consider very carefully exactly what you are gaining and not gaining from this relationship ...not financially, but in your life and for your emotional needs etc flowers

Smileless2012 Sun 24-Jan-21 12:56:23

You posted "I shouldn't throw this away just for money" WW and your post has left me wondering what exactly you'd be throwing away.

There's no mention of your relationship other than from a financial aspect. You don't mention shared interests and there's no mention of love so why are you with this man?

You will have no security if something happens to him in terms of where you'll be living, and without wishing to sound unfeeling, this is something you need to think about very carefully.

"I think he'll be devastated if I left as he'd lose such a lot in terms of personal/family value" but he doesn't appear to put much value on you, your children or your GC. He bought far more extravagant gifts for the D he hasn't seen for 5 years, her choice I know, and for a female friend neither of you really know than for you, and nothing for your children and the GC who seem to be far and away the main contact with family that he has.

You don't say how old you are but that financially your are "okish" and "can survive".

I agree with Oopsadaisy it's as much about control as money and in your situation, I would be seriously questioning the long term prospects for you in this relationship and if I'd be better off, in terms of financial, practical and emotional security without him.

cornishpatsy Sun 24-Jan-21 12:59:49

As you have been fine about the financial arrangements for 8 years how is he to know you are resentful about it if you do not tell him.

If you are sneaking a look as his things maybe the relationship is not for you anyway.

dragonfly46 Sun 24-Jan-21 13:02:05

I am sorry to have to say this but he does not value you or love you if he can contemplate you being homeless in the event of his death. I am shocked he would even consider it. It is not about the money or even control. It is about caring.

Hithere Sun 24-Jan-21 13:53:29

"I’m saving my cash and behaving as exactly that. I can leave if I want and he knows that. I won’t stay where I’m not valued. The talk will come. I’m not someone who can stay quiet."
This paragraphs is full of contradictions

You know he doesnt value you now. He never did. He showed it to you for 8 years and counting.
Why are you still with him them? What is keeping you in the relationship?

You already said he is emotionally immature and doesnt handle the talks very well.
What do you think talking about this with him will achieve?
It didnt work in the past, why would it would now?

I think it is time for actions and not words.
Have you heard the saying of "barking dogs dont bite"? You need to bite, not bark.

Luckygirl Sun 24-Jan-21 13:58:59

Seriously - why are you with him? I do not want to "do a Mumsnet" and say LTB, but truly I would not want to be with him.

He chooses where you go on holiday because he is paying for it - that blew my mind.

This is not a partnership in any sense of the word.

I am so sorry that you have picked someone like this to share your life with. It must be a daily trial.