Handyman free to good home (or any home!)

Thanks but no thanks?

Mercure I sympathise I really do. I too have a rather fragile ego here that doesn't take well to criticism so I have tried over the years to get it in as a joke or a subtle message. It doesn't always work sometimes my daily simmering boils over. all this lockdown malarkey is getting us all down. I expect they feel it as much as we do but cant articulate it perhaps.

I would have left him 24 years ago. Next time he tells you something for the billionth time shout “I f*cking know!” and lock yourself in the bathroom for several hours.

I had one of those, I empathise. Managed to pass him on to a woman whose main topic of conversation is what she had to eat last weekend and the infinite variety and quality of frozen veg (I kid you not) - they suit each other. But getting shot took some effort. I always said it was like dividend dieting - how to get rid of 13 Stone of unwanted lard in one go. She was easily pleased

Only telling you that to hopefully make you smile. In seriousness,

Think the fragile ego is a man thing! My DH doesn't know one end of a tool box from the other, its me that has done all the DIY, he acts like the foreman telling me what i have done wrong!! The garden is his domain, everything else mine!!

Anyone wan a foreman?

Hahaa, Nell, that really did make me smile! Thank you. Those are the only 'safe' conversations that I can have here! We've been on the brink of divorce many times in the past. I have walked out on a regular basis and stayed in a hotel overnight but always gone back (does that make me a masochist?) What really upsets me is that he has admitted that he knows he is nasty to me but can't stop himself. I confess to feeling very lonely as actual conversations in this house don't exist. I wonder if it makes sense if I say he talks 'at' me, telling me about work he's done up in his shed etc but I learned long ago not to actually make a 'real' conversation and an exchange of opinions as this results in him accusing me of 'having a go' if my opinion differs from his. I even got accused of arguing when I queried if a new shoot on a plant which he'd pointed out yesterday could be dying because it was going brown and dry at the top. He interrupted that sentence too and stormed off with a face like thunder muttering "I'm not allowed to say anything"...

Only if I can lock him in a cupboard and just let him out when the roof needs tiling or something.

Sounds like he is treating you like one of his building site mates, especially with the swearing.
Perhaps a small site hut in your garden with portaloo might be an answer. Old chair and table, smelly heater, muddy and damp coats and work boots drying off. Chuck him in there with lunchbox and kettle.

Oh Mercure ? I'm so sorry - it really is no way to live. It makes absolute sense re the talking at you, and no you're not a masochist, just someone who has spent 25 years being ground down and probably hasn't got any energy left to do anything different (at a guess). Some people aren't capable of mutual love and affection, they just consume others - I think they're called energy vampires, it's as if they suck our souls. Sending you a massive hug, and my best wishes. x

But as a little coping mechanism I did always find that cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush made me feel better ...

That's a no from me too Mercure but thanks for offer.

I'm quite frankly amazed that you've managed 25 years and think you deserve a medal.

Ooooh no thanks,i had one of them w....rs years ago.
You could buy him a one way ticket to the moon when available as a gift to yourself

I find your post really sad Mercure, just thinking of you saying you wish he would find someone else, and the fact you have walked out on a regular basis, and you have been on the brink of divorce many times! You say you are not allowed to say anything... can I ask what stopped you proceeding with a divorce? I would definately of upstix and gone many years ago I couldn’t have stuck 25 years of this behaviour from him, I couldn’t live on eggshells with any man, sending you big hugs

Mmmm. I’m going to put a different viewpoint here and, like most of us it’ll be based on my own experience.

I’m sorry, but you sound a bit like a man I was with for a while, who in a perfectly calm and pleasant way managed to be negative about everything I did or said. Or, unconsciously negative about most things. The green shoot on the plant just rang bells for me.

To be fair he didn’t know he did it and if challenged would say he was trying to be helpful or I was too sensitive. It was the unremitting mild, but negative that defeated me. He sucked the joy out of everyone just by the way he phrased things

Mostly I retreated into saying nothing. Sometimes I exploded like you husband..

I’m probably misjudging. But it was my first reaction to your post.

Sounds remarkably similar to my part time handyman. Ex woodwork/metalwork teacher who almost destroyed my bathroom when 'helping' me remove tiles from the wall.

Talks incessantly, knows everything. Even mansplained how Virginia Woolf is a crap writer to me (English teacher).

We get on fine now I live in another country.

I worked with my DH running a small business he inherited from his father. It was new to me but he had grown up with it. If we had a disagreement it lingered all day. I only worked a few days with him I did the paperwork at home.
We retired nearly two years ago that was quite a difficult time. My DH was trying his best to do every job in the house he felt lost.
He has never been a handyman that’s my department. The kitchen has always been my domain too unless he wants to make his chicken soup.
My two friends both had the same experience with their husbands after retirement. It’s all about adjustment we have the balance right pre Covid. DH needs clear instructions how he can help.
He has a volunteering job and he loves it as it keeps him occupied and something to talk about. He is looking forward to going back to it when he can in the meantime he has taken up a new hobby.
We generally get on well and have lots in common and a good life with family and friends. We still bicker but I just think that’s normal when two people occupy the same space.

I'm confused by your post Peasblossom. It was the OP who pointed out a green shoot on a plant her H had previously said was dying, not the other way around.

That isn’t how I read it Smileless though looking back I can see it’s a bit ambiguous (ref the thread on commas ?).

After many years of walking on egg shells which escalated emotional abuse and violence ( not saying that will happen to you ) I would cut my losses and go . ( I did ) It sounds to me you have had 25 years of never being happy. What a waste that is you deserve better

After 8 years of emotional abuse, I left and it was the best thing I ever did. This was in 2011.

The first week I felt so elated not to be walking on eggshells and worry about if I said or did the 'wrong' thing. I was waling on air for quite a while.

The house was sold, we each had our share and I have never been happier.

OP, if your husband needs care in the future are you prepared to do it, especially if he continues to be verbally abusive and controlling?
If you needed care would he provide it willingly?
You really need to consider your future. It could be so lovely without him.

I spent too long trying to find solutions for my husband's fragile ego. It was exhausting. There's lots of advice from the other grans so I hope you find the calm & peace of mind I found by finally leaving. The writing is on the wall.

I could take him for respite care for a couple of weeks.
He could be nasty to me and get all my jobs done.

I'm afraid I'll be returning to sender once everything's done though.

Oh Mercure that's no way to live your life, I would be using the rest of lock down time to consider my options. Nonogran found her answer to the problem.

NellG like the toothbrush idea.

One word - narcissist! These traits are heightened in lockdown. Nothing is ever good enough - your opinions (if you dare have any) are rubbished and you are constantly told you are in the wrong, yet with anyone else, friends and family, you have no problems. Even to the point where it is inferred you are incapable of thinking and acting normally so you start to doubt yourself. Get out and enjoy life. Ask for support from family and friends.