bad marriage , no escape

This sounds so hard

He cannot force you to do anything, have you spoke to anyone legal about your finances? have you ever contacted women's aid about the freedom program? I think it would be worthwhile talking to both your sons about what is going on, if you are close, so they can support you x

Take legal advice from a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row & go . Best wishes

Isn't there a scheme whereby you can have a half-hour consultation with a solicitor for free?
However, in the short term I would recommend Citizens Advice, and Womens' Aid.
But what exactly are you asking for here? Have you decided you want to leave (because you can you know) or are you asking for hints on how to stay and manage your situation. I work with a lady in her 70s who has just left her husband (for similar reasons as yours) and is, so far, happy as a sandboy. There are all sorts of groups who can help you, and you can close accounts (such as the electricity bill) when they are no longer your responsibility. Once you have left, the household bills have nothing to do with you - including the mortgage.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

There are always escapes to a bad marriage- but they are choices you might not be willing to make so the person stays
He hasn't trapped you. He cannot make you do anything you dont want to do

You describe a life of enablement. What can you do to change it?

He is abusive, cheats repeatedly, ... what is going to make you reach your bottom and say "I am done, i am divorcing you?"

Dont hand him your power, take it back.

TBH if it was me I would wait until he had gone out, I would get the locks changed then I would put all of his stuff in bags in the front garden and not let him back in. Before doing this I would get together all of my financial papers ready to present it to a Solicitor to prove that I had paid the bills, then I would move the cash out of our joint account into my own.

Let HIM go to see a Solicitor or the CAB, let HIM incur expenses to try to get his hands on your house your pension and your money. Why should you rack up charges?

Anyway that’s what I would do............

Its sad you are having a difficult time at this time of life. You have been given good advice here so far act on it asap. I personally would not waste good money on counselling. Talk to your friends just getting things of your chest helps a bit.

If you can't have a decent conversation with your husband don't bother getting shouted will upset you more. Occupy your mind with anything to pass the time and go for walks if you are able. Seek advice sooner than later.

You teach people how to treat you,as Hithere put it,you need to take your power back.

That's illegal Oopsadaisy1 but you can start divorce proceedings without so much as a conversation between you. He can't refuse to move the courts can order the house to be sold and a division of percentages to each of you. To me it sounds as if the OP is scared of being alone and would rather enable this man than end it and start over. Oh you may have a pension OP but the courts can order that to be split too. So before you decide see a Solicitor and find out where you stand. Hia ongoing affairs are irrelevant as you're still together if 6 months have passed you are seen as forgiving him.

flexiblefriend it might be illegal, but he would have the hassle of trying to get back into the home and he would know that she meant business.

I was in a marriage for 46 years that wasn’t brilliant. Due to an accident the last 5 years were quite traumatic. My husband died 2 years ago. I’ve dyed my hair, lost weight and (before lockdown) enjoyed life like never before (including a new man!). My only regret - should have done it years ago!
So take legal advice and get out of the marriage. You cannot get those years back, I never thought I could manage financially on my own but I’m managing. So get your life back - you won’t regret it!

Get shot as soon as. Don’t waste any more time on this loser.

If you are looking for advice then it has to be consult a lawyer to find out where you stand. You should let your children know what you are doing. You cannot change the locks of a matrimonial home to keep him out, tempting as it sounds. Unfortunately this would be held against you. I know,as I wanted to do just that and my lawyer was very clear that I should not. The fear of being alone is greater than being alone.

I really feel for you as I know this is a massive step. It won't be easier if you wait till you are retired, though, and I sense that's what you are thinking.
At the moment, technically at least, you are both working which is easier in some ways as you won't keep going over things all day every day and you will probably be out and about again in a few months.

IF you can face 20 or more years of this, then consider staying... but I sense that you now want to be yourself and enjoy life a little. Make a pros and cons list. Just look at which is longest.

I would rather have a tiny home and struggle a bit than a big home where only sadness can be found.

Contact a solicitor for a free session and give Women's Aid a call for a first chat too. They will have info and lots of experience in this area. He really is undermining you and belittling you. What would you say if this was a daughter or a close friend?
If you feel desperate some days don't forget the Samaritans who provide a listening ear.

Someone earlier said not to bother with counselling - I'd say counselling is worth every penny if it helps you work things through. Don't rule it out.

Be bold. You are stronger than you think. And wiser too. You are the expert in how you feel. You can make changes. Once you feel able to spread your wings a little you will surely feel lighter as you will be free of oppression.

You are not alone. Thousands of women every year make this sort of big change. Although there will still be some darker days, I'm sure, I haven't heard of any yet that has regretted it.

Good luck. Be strong. Find out your financial options and make a firm decision.

CS1958 If you decide to separate or divorce, I think you should gently raise your reasons and your sadness with your boys (as others suggest).

They may not be as surprised as you think... and they will surely have your best interests at heart.

You may not want to worry them but they will need to know, and it is better that they hear something true from you than later hear nonsense from your husband.

Take care.

Go to a solicitor. See exactly where you stand. Then you can make a decision knowing what that will mean in practice.

There is escape, if you want it but as Hithere says it may making difficult decisions. But you are not trapped unless you chose to stay.

Not wishing to put a dampener on things, even if and when this went to court and they ordered the house to be sold - it will still takes ages for this to happen if your husband is dragging his feet and you’ll have spent thousands on legal support. My daughter and her two young sons left her abusive husband and the court were not sympathetic to he needs - she’d paid most of the household bills and mortgage as they said she still has earning power which was more than her husbands so didn’t need more than half of the property. He withdrew from several sales of the joint property for various tenuous reasons and its only now after 3 years that’s she has been able to release her part of the equity and that was in a slightly dubious - but totally legal way. Do make sure that you get proper legal advice and accept that it’s not always as easy as sounds to get rid of him if he is determined to stay.

Please don’t waste your life with this man a minute longer.
Do something and take control !

One joint owner of a house is entitled to insist on a sale, if they want one. Other joint owner(s) can't block it, but may delay as GreyKnitter said.

You are not trapped unless you choose to be.
I left my lovely house (not home) and part bought a much smaller older house which was a happy home.
You are wasting your life. You are not dependent on this man. You can get help to leave ( plenty of advice given) or stay and be miserable.

Yes sometimes it's necessary to lose out financially to gain freedom and happiness nadateturbe I did exactly that. Each person's circumstances are different of course.

Circumstances vary of course Sodapop and we're not all the same.. But I don't think it's worth staying in a marriage for financial security. It wasn't easy leaving . I was a civil servant and had to work part time in a library as well for a while but it was worth it. CS1958 sounds more than capable of making a new life for herself.

There's already lots of good advice here, so I wont repeat it, but I will add that losing money/things/a house is unfair, awful and regrettable - losing your sense of self and your sanity to someone else's appalling behaviour is something much worse. When you get to the end of you life which would you rather, a nice house and the mental torture of living with a man you despise, or the memories of a good few years of freedom and (hopefully) happiness? I'd rather have the second in a tent living off baked beans. Best wishes, I hope you work it out

Just go to a solicitor, there’s always a way out. Life’s too short.