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(53 Posts)
GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 07:50:01

I have a male friend who has two children that weren't planned (by him). His partner had two 'accidental' pregnancies. He is very bitter about these 'accidents' because she was supposedly on the pill. The 'accidents' were only just over a year apart. He feels she deceived and trapped him.

Who is to blame?

M0nica Tue 02-Mar-21 07:56:00

Both of them or neither of them. One never knows what really happened in these circumstances, especially with so little information.

Riverwalk Tue 02-Mar-21 08:00:25

He shouldn't feel bitter about the second 'accident' - did he learn nothing after the first?

I wouldn't give someone like him the time of day, never mind listen to his woes!

Kandinsky Tue 02-Mar-21 08:01:10

I’m afraid I’m old school and feel that preventing pregnancy is down to the woman. Plenty of reliable contraception available so no need to keep having ‘accidents’ - condoms to prevent sexually transmitted disease yes, but once you’re in a committed relationship then the woman takes control of preventing pregnancy.
I’d be fuming if a woman tried to trap my son with an ‘accident’.
I don’t blame men who walk away from something they never wanted in the 1st place. Not talking about long term relationships & marriage of course, but couples who have only been together a few months & woman gets pregnant?
I wouldn’t judge the man.

Sara1954 Tue 02-Mar-21 08:07:35

I agree with Riverwalk , what’s done is done, they’re his children, I wouldn’t want to be with somebody who whinged and whined about his own children.
I would steer clear of him.

Grannynannywanny Tue 02-Mar-21 08:09:52

If he was so upset by the first “accident” then he should have taken responsibility to avoid another one rather than leave it all to his partner.

I feel for his poor children being referred to as unplanned accidents when discussing them with friends.

Galaxy Tue 02-Mar-21 08:17:55

I would avoid him as well I am afraid.

kittylester Tue 02-Mar-21 08:17:58

What does the woman have to say about it all?

Billybob4491 Tue 02-Mar-21 08:21:29

I think the biggest accident was your male friend meeting up with his partner in the first instance.

GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 08:21:50

The woman says they were pill accidents. He thinks she hoodwinked him.

Personally, I think if a man doesn't want a pregnancy, he needs to wear a condom OR have a vasectomy. I don't have any sympathy.

I do also think it was deliberate and that she trapped him, given what I know of her. But despite that I STILL think it's his own fault. After the first accident, I would have taken charge of contraception, if I were him.

Grannynannywanny Tue 02-Mar-21 08:40:20

I find it distasteful that a man would discuss his children and his partner in such a demeaning way with friends. He sounds like a real catch.

Missfoodlove Tue 02-Mar-21 08:43:34

I wouldn’t want to k ow such intimate details of a friends relationship.
Let alone to discuss it on an open forum.
I would say from what we know about you, you are easily identifiable.

grannylyn65 Tue 02-Mar-21 08:50:04

That’s you told

GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 08:51:05

Have you ever looked at Mumsnet Missfoodlove? If you think that is outing, Mumsnet would blow your mind.

Iam64 Tue 02-Mar-21 08:53:33

As Missfoodlove says, this is a public forum. Imagine the DM looking for a filler piece. You could easily be identified gaga.

I’m a bit Oscar Wilde here, to father one child accidentally is one thing, but two is another entirely. I wouldn’t want a friendship with someone who discusses his children and their mither in this way.

Katie59 Tue 02-Mar-21 09:07:03

If he is “in a relationship” he is responsible, you cannot rely on the pill to be 100%, there are plenty of failures. If it was a casual encounter and he used a condom then he can claim to be not responsible.

There is no blame, 2 children were born, he is liable for maintenance, it’s up to him what happens to the relationship. End of story.

GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 09:10:26

I agree Katie. Even if a man is not in a relationship, he is responsible. Takes two to make a baby.

Shropshirelass Tue 02-Mar-21 09:16:55

I hope his bitterness goes, they are his children too and it is a shared responsibility to avoid pregnancy. Children are very special and I hope he sees it this way otherwise he doesn’t deserve to be a father. He should face up to his responsibilities. Perhaps to make sure he doesn’t father any more ‘accidents’ he should keep IT in his pants! That or have the snip.

GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 09:34:38

I think the trouble is, some men want to have their cake and eat it. They don't want to take any responsibility for contraception, but also want to claim sexism when the inevitable happens.

It's the 21st century, FFS. Take responsibility.

merlotgran Tue 02-Mar-21 09:38:44

Is it any of our business?

Kandinsky Tue 02-Mar-21 09:59:33

But it’s the woman who has to carry the baby & go through the birth, ( which even today can result in death ) it’s the woman who is the one left ‘holding the baby’ when things go wrong. Look at Katie Price & her struggles with disabled son Harvey, where is the father? I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with his son. It’s always the woman left to cope.
That’s why they need to be the ones controlling the pregnancy situation.

henetha Tue 02-Mar-21 10:02:29

It's sad that he doesn't seem to love his children enough to overcome his bitterness.

Ilovecheese Tue 02-Mar-21 10:03:35

You could give him a little booklet about "how babies are made". Then you could advise him that there is a product widely available called a "condom".
Then you could tell him he doesn't know how lucky he was, and he only has himself to blame that he has lost it all. (Because he will)

NellG Tue 02-Mar-21 10:07:13

It's about time that boys/men understood that contraception is an equal responsibility. Best to check the right amount of pills are in the packet on the mantelpiece before you stoke the fire!

Sound like they all need a bit of family therapy tbh.

GagaJo Tue 02-Mar-21 10:11:07

IMO, I think there are men who don't like and don't want to wear condoms and look for any excuse to avoid it. BUT they still want to shirk the responsibility when pregnancy occurs.