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Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

(156 Posts)
Pumpkinpie Sun 07-Mar-21 21:39:57

I’m not someone who craves expensive gifts. I have always preferred time both Given or received
But I am very sad today
It was my husband’s birthday & once again our daughter forgot or ignored it. No phone call . No card . No drive by lockdown wave - she lives 10 minutes away with her family
This is the second year she’s done this. I always remember the grandkids , hers and her husband but there is no effort
If I say anything about anything I’m a passive aggressive
I can’t win
All her dad said tonight was I thought Dd would ring . He looks so hurt it breaks my heart

Hetty58 Sun 07-Mar-21 21:59:12

We're not always aware of the day/date are we? I make an effort for kids' birthdays - although I rely on others to remind me a week or so before.

With adults, though, unless in the household, nobody in our family bothers much, maybe a text if we remember. Surely, a birthday fuss is for kids?

As it upsets you, maybe next year you could phone her?

Mollygo Sun 07-Mar-21 22:04:16

Sorry Pumpkinpie, it’s a difficult one. When my children first left home I used to ring them and say, “Don’t forget . . . ‘s birthday next week.”
Perhaps you could do that next year, or just decide not to expect anything.

Gwyneth Sun 07-Mar-21 22:06:25

pumpkinpie no excuses it was thoughtless at best and hurtful. I can understand both you and your husband being upset. It wouldn’t have taken a lot of effort to make a short phone call or even send a text.

Doodle Sun 07-Mar-21 22:09:38

Perhaps text her and say it would be nice if she rang her dad as he missed hearing from her. Don’t lay blame. I always text my son to remind him the week before and then again the day before.

Calendargirl Sun 07-Mar-21 22:15:02

I think it’s a poor do if AC need a text from their mum the week and the day before their dad’s birthday to remind them of the fact.
I bet they expect their parents to remember their own birthday.

Shandy57 Sun 07-Mar-21 22:18:21

Your poor husband, I am sorry. I always feel reaching another birthday is a special day and should be a happy one.

I am sure she is very busy and it has just slipped her mind with the pressure of lockdown/home schooling etc, but I would let her know she has missed it for the second year running and her Dad was hurt. I see no reason not to be truthful, and I'd offer to remind her next year.

V3ra Sun 07-Mar-21 22:20:38

I'd be upset as well on your husband's behalf if I were you.
Does your daughter acknowledge or thank you for the cards or presents you send for their birthdays?
How would you normally celebrate when we're not in a lockdown?

Janet10 Sun 07-Mar-21 22:21:36

I’m sorry it has hurt you both especially your husband. I sometimes get forgotten too. I have to remind myself it’s not easy out there in the working world. So many pressures and commitments to uphold. Also children to care for. perhaps with covid lockdown and all the pressures that brings it slipped her mind. I think I tend to expect too much from my son sometimes I expect him to think of me as I think of him. This is impossible as our love for each other is so different. A mother’s love is unconditional a child’s love will go to their spouse and children first. That’s not to say they don’t care because they do they are just trying to live their lives like we did at that stage of our lives. Chin up it will soon be summer and lockdown over a late birthday party for your husband perhaps. Stay safe.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 07-Mar-21 22:25:24

As your DD didn’t send her father a card last year, I would have phoned her last week to remind her.
However, by now I would have made a phone call to her telling her how upset her Dad was and I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been very understanding.

Smileless2012 Sun 07-Mar-21 22:31:35

It's thoughtless Pumpkinpie and I understand why you and your H are upset.

I wonder how she'd feel if you forgot hers.

crazyH Sun 07-Mar-21 22:40:05

So sorry Pumpkinpie - your last line about your husband’s disappointment made me want to cry - really. I’m also one who loves bdays - I make a song and dance if any bday is forgotten. Once, I jumped the gun and was so cross that no one had rung me on the morning of my bday. The kids were actually planning to surprise me later, which they did. I still feel bad about that. Happy Birthday Mr P 🎂🍾🎶

B9exchange Sun 07-Mar-21 22:43:06

I think the question is did she forget, or did she think it was just not worth remembering, I imagine only you can answer that one. If she is forgetful and busy, then a reminder in future years would solve the problem, but from what you write, I might suspect she doesn't see any need to remember your birthdays, and gets cross when it is intimated that she should.

In that case any attempt to guilt trip her by saying your husband was hurt will only be met with antagonism. Perhaps you could suggest a meal out together when restaurants open again. If you can get to see them on a regular basis, choose a moment when she is relaxed to say something along the lines of 'I know we are silly old fools, forgive us, but remembering our birthdays means such a lot to us. It may be daft, but it feels like a kind of rejection when we don't receive a card, though I am sure you don't mean it to. Then a couple of weeks before the next one, start talking about your plans for the day, to make sure she knows when it is. It hurts not to receive even a text, but if you put her back up and alienate her, it will hurt so much more.

Pumpkinpie Sun 07-Mar-21 22:55:04

I have reminded her in the past about family birthdays . She gets angry & later says that I’m passive aggressive. I saw her earlier in the week so she knew about her grandads 90th birthday & her dads . She even drives close to her grandads when she’s working.
I tried to bring her up to value family but I feel as if I’ve failed. I think lockdown has shown the cracks in relationships

Pumpkinpie Sun 07-Mar-21 22:58:05

We have tried to make his birthday special but he looked so sad and hurt when he said he thought she might have rung.

Shandy57 Sun 07-Mar-21 23:01:06

I am sorry Pumpkinpie, sounds like she gets defensive because secretly she knows she is in the wrong.

I hope you can go for a family meal when everywhere is open again.

PurpleStar Sun 07-Mar-21 23:24:57

This is so sad.I do give a jokey reminder to my AC,though they do always remember.As a parent we don't want fuss or elaborate gifts,but a simple text or call makes the world of difference,especially during a Pandemic! I'm sad for your DH.I have and would never forget my parents birthdays,sadly we never know which year is the last one,and then having to live with the regret of not making an effort flowers

Hithere Mon 08-Mar-21 02:14:16

Some people are huge on birthdays, others are not

However, there is something else in this case - your dd already mentioned she perceived you as passive aggressive. That is not a good thing and could be causing friction.

Unless an adult makes the request to be reminded of birthdays and important dates, it is not a good idea to say when somebody bday is AND expect that person to call the bday person.

An adult can easily make a calendar of birth dates and make a call, send a card, etc - IF this is in the adult's priority list.

What happened after last year, when she first skipped your husband's bday? Did you call her?

Is your dh her father?

There is not one valid set of family values, everybody has their own standard.
She may value family in a different way compared to your way.

Hithere Mon 08-Mar-21 02:16:19

Sorry, I read he is her father.

FannyCornforth Mon 08-Mar-21 06:14:35

It's outrageous and unforgivable.
As you can see I take quite a hard line on this!
Bugger 'passive aggressive', if I were you I'd be 'aggressive aggressive'.
If I was guilty of not acknowledging my dad's birthday my mother would have made my life not worth living, and rightly so.

FannyCornforth Mon 08-Mar-21 06:31:54

Re 'passive aggressive'. Sounds a bit pot / kettle to me.
To my mind, ignoring a parent or other close family member on their birthday is the very model of being PA.

FannyCornforth Mon 08-Mar-21 06:41:49

thanks for you.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh, it was because I genuinely feel so sad for you and your husband.
Like a pp, I felt a bit teary at the thought of his sadness.

gt66 Mon 08-Mar-21 07:29:32

I've never once forgotten, or otherwise, my parent's birthday's and don't belive your daughter did either.

I think she just couldn't be bothered and accusing you of being PA is an excuse. I wouldn't pander to her by reminding her next year; she'll see through it and accuse you again. Send gifts to the GC, but I would forget hers next year.

Sometimes you have to be tough with people to make them think twice, as sounds to me like your DD doesn't think she needs to bother about you.

gt66 Mon 08-Mar-21 07:30:11

believe

janeainsworth Mon 08-Mar-21 07:40:29

I agree with Fanny and Oopsadaisy.
Accusing you of being passive-aggressive because you reminded her about her Dad’s birthday is itself passive-aggressive.
Of course that doesn’t mean you haven’t been passive-aggressive over other things.
We don’t know the back-story to all this but I suspect it could be about more than your DD just not ‘doing’ birthdays.
My instinct, having made known to her my anger and her father’s disappointment, would be to quietly ignore her until she made some conciliatory effort, like apologising for forgetting his birthday.

It’s always possible though that she simply forgot what day it was and rings him today instead. It’s sometimes wise to give people the benefit of the doubt.