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Worried about my relationship

(75 Posts)
Nanna29 Wed 14-Apr-21 09:55:39

I've been married for just over 2 years we have been together for 8 years. I have a gut instinct that something is wrong. He's always glued to his phone takes it to the bathroom with him everywhere. I havent looked on his phone but when I asked him about it he has reset his phone to factory settings I didn't say are you seeing someone else I only asked why he's on his phone all the time and why he takes it in the shower with him. There's something off about the way he is with me. If I message him he will go on his phone and not reply. Im so worried and upset if I do ask him if everything is OK he says yes. He's very secretive and always has been if I ask him about his day he gives a very basic account. While I tell him about my day and funny things that have happened. We have been to couples counselling and it helped for a while but its back to the same now. He will openly flirt infront of me which makes me feel horrible inside. I dont want to be a mug and find out later down the line he is cheating. What should I do wait and see what happens? I'm so lost

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 14-Apr-21 10:14:52

You don’t say how old you both are. Second marriages? Children..grown up or young? Has the relationship been good up until now? The only thing you can do is talk I think, otherwise you’re stuck. Why not show him this post as a starting point.

I’m sure there’ll be people who can better advise you from experience.

Hopefully your fears will come to nothing.

Shinamae Wed 14-Apr-21 10:18:21

Got instinct is rarely wrong.....

Shinamae Wed 14-Apr-21 10:18:49

Gut!!!

AmberSpyglass Wed 14-Apr-21 10:26:50

As they say on MN - get your ducks in a row and be prepared to leave. Speak to a solicitor specialising in divorce, check your financials and think about what you are and aren’t willing to accept. 8 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, it may well be time to cut your losses.

eazybee Wed 14-Apr-21 10:30:21

Oh dear!
Lots of small things unimportant in themselves, but adding up to a distinct feeling something is wrong.
The point is, you are not happy and he doesn't seem bothered. Confronting him isn't going to get a direct answer, but the flirting in front of you is unkind and needs to addressed.
I wonder, if he is on the phone all the time, could he be gambling or gaming? The fact that he takes his phone everywhere is suspicious.
Sorry, no practical advice other than vigilance.

gt66 Wed 14-Apr-21 10:57:36

I've been through something similar with my DH and I agree that your DH's behaviour seems suspicious, especially if, in the past, he hasn't spent much time on his phone, so for the time being at least, I think it might be better if you keep your concerns to yourself, as if he is doing something underhand, he will become even more secretive. Just observe and see if you can find something a bit more concrete and go from there.

faringdon59 Wed 14-Apr-21 11:14:23

Go with your gut instinct at all times and act upon it!!

NotSpaghetti Wed 14-Apr-21 11:37:02

I also wondered about gambling.
It's a terrible addiction.

EllanVannin Wed 14-Apr-21 11:52:49

Drop the phone in a bucket of water then work out the reaction.

gt66 Wed 14-Apr-21 12:03:27

EllanVannin

Drop the phone in a bucket of water then work out the reaction.

Love it Ellan....wish I'd thought of that!

Nanna29 Wed 14-Apr-21 12:19:08

I'm 52 and he is 49 I have children from previous relationship. We have none together and he doesn't have any my youngest is 11. I think im going to secretly observe at some point said phone will be left unguarded. I really don't want to overreact but its hard my previous relationship there was cheating on his side so I worry im reflecting on the that. I try to talk to him he gets defensive and angry. I have a lot to think about I think

Redhead56 Wed 14-Apr-21 12:29:45

If you are treading around egg shells now at a relatively early stage it’s not good. For you or your children if you can’t have a civil conversation without him going mad. That is a response from someone with something to hide. You need to have a conversation with him children not present of course. If the response is aggression there is your answer. You cannot live your life being intimidated it’s not healthy for you or your children.

cornishpatsy Wed 14-Apr-21 12:53:41

Ask him straight out, not in anger, have a straight forward conversation saying that you think he is having an affair and if he is it is time to separate. Tell him the types of behaviour that are making you think this. Sadly if the trust has gone the relationship is too.

I realise it is a difficult conversation to have but thinking about it all the time is worse.

MagicWand Wed 14-Apr-21 12:55:16

Sorry, my first thought was online porn. It was when you said he takes his phone into the bathroom and shower with him and the fact that he reset it.

Porn can become just as much of an addiction as online gambling. There is plenty of help for people affected by their partner's addictions but, as we all know, the addict has to admit they have a problem to themselves first before they can get help.

I would start to 'get your ducks in a row' as it wouldn't hurt to take a step back and try to look at your situation objectively if you can. I'm sure there will be others along who may have more experience of this and will be able to help more.

Good luck Nanna29 flowers

geekesse Wed 14-Apr-21 13:00:47

I’m inclined to think gambling or porn addiction are at least as likely as an affair.

Redhead56 Wed 14-Apr-21 13:05:47

That was on my mind too. My ex husband acted shifty and aggressive he was actually living a double life.

Purplepixie Wed 14-Apr-21 13:05:53

Oh Nanna29 I really do feel for you. My second bloke was so sly and I just knew he was up to something. When I look back I realised that I just didnt love him at all. Try and have a good down to earth chat with him and take it from there but you are still very young and it is your life so don’t put up with stuff, just for the sake of it. We all think that staying is the safe option but believe me - it isn’t. You deserve the truth and better. Put yourself and your family first even if it means finishing with him. Sending you love and hugs as I feel your pain. PM anytime.

Polarbear2 Wed 14-Apr-21 13:07:03

Just ask outright. But be prepared for the answer. Don’t snoop. Try and ask calmly and matter of fact. Good luck. I feel for you. Once you’ve been cheated on once your radar is never really switched off. ❤️

Nanna29 Wed 14-Apr-21 14:35:02

Thank you every one I will take all this advice on board and try and have a chat with him 😀

manny Wed 14-Apr-21 15:54:26

I’ve posted here before about problems in my marriage. My husband has alienated my whole family. He has hobbies with which he’s obsessed. He is addicted to the internet and social media. He was paying more attention to Facebook than he was to me. I frequently lost my patience and temper with him as a result. He says that this is the problem in the marriage. About a month ago, I came back downstairs after having gone to bed, in order to tell him something. He was so intent on looking at a woman’s profile on a dating website that he didn’t hear me. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I tried to understand it, but it has really affected me, especially as he was treating me as if I’d done something wrong, not him. I stuck this out for four weeks, and left about a week ago. I’m really struggling, especially in these Covid times. The worst thing is, that even though I know his behaviour has been horrible, I miss him and the life we had. Does it get any easier? One of the most difficult things to understand is that he is now 80. I’m 72 and can’t believe I’m facing this at this time in my life.

manny Wed 14-Apr-21 16:00:46

So sorry! I meant to start a new thread with this. Deepest apologies to the OP. I started reading her post, and warning bells rang. I had a gut feeling about my husband at about the same time in my marriage and tried to push it down in order to lead a quiet life. Big mistake. I gave myself much more grief because I did that. I really feel for you, Nanna29. You just wish it all wasn’t happening

oodles Wed 14-Apr-21 17:03:43

get your ducks in a row and don't give him any reason to think you suspect anything. Even if it isn't an affair, as others have said it might be gambling or suchlike and if it is do you want to stay with someone who could put you in a difficult position financially. Maybe keep a bit of a diary and see if there are any patterns, keep an eye on whether the mileage in the car is what you would expect from what he says he is going. If it is all innocent no worries, but if he never leaves his phone alone whereas before he would leave it plugged in while he went off and did something else, or would just leave it on the table when he went off to another room to get something that is suspicious. You don't want a life of being the marriage police, you have better things to do with your life. If he is not having an affair, how do you feel about living like that for the next 30 or 40 years. Is there anything positive about the relationship? Personal counselling might be a better idea than couples counselling, you can be honest which you can't easily be when he is there, and it doesn't sound like he is that interested in making it work.

Nanna29 Wed 14-Apr-21 17:31:42

oodles yes its all such a worry i just don't know why he would change so much baffles me. We don't have joint finances and I rent the house in my name only. We got a car on finance but thats in my name including car is registered to me. So if he won't pay off the loan I can take the car back. Im just taking my time thinking it all through

Nonogran Wed 14-Apr-21 17:44:20

Keep your antenna up! Find out about the cost of a private detective?
There will come a time when he leaves his phone alone but, make sure if you look at it you will hear him coming up behind you or up/down stairs. If his phone is passworded it's going to be challenging to get into it.
Years and years ago had a very secretive boyfriend. It was unbearable at times. His briefcase was always combination locked so I sat behind him once or twice and squinted over his shoulder. I quickly discovered the combination! When I finally had an opportunity to look inside, I wish I hadn't but that's another story!