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Would you be concerned?

(70 Posts)
Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 20:23:31

I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place. However, about 3 weeks ago we (DH and me) were invited down to stay over with long term friends.
There is more to the story but I’ll keep it short and succinct.
The male friend left the room to go get his book and immediately my DH and the female friend starting talking about the female friend’s DH in a criticising way which I was upset about but didn’t say anything. All of a sudden he appeared in the doorway, I could see him but they couldn’t. He obviously realised they were talking about him and looked as displeased as I felt. He didn’t say anything but he looked fuming and I don’t blame him. He and my DH have been friends for decades.
My DH also made a dig at me during our stay in front of them and the female friend and DH exchanged knowing looks.
I am so angry but I know if I bring it to his attention, DH will flip his lid so to speak. Sorry, I just needed to vent.

Newatthis Mon 26-Jul-21 20:27:14

Knowing looks.....has this happened before? How rude of them both. Your DH must have had conversations with your friend before now about her DH as this is not something that would just be brought up out of the blue. Seems there's something more to this than meets the eye!!

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 20:29:37

You’ve voiced my fears.

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 20:33:09

And yes, Newatthis. It has happened before. The FF (female friend) has often mentioned things about me or my private life that I feel is none of her business. My DH must gossip obviously. However, he can exaggerate and does lie. (I have caught him out in the past)

welbeck Mon 26-Jul-21 20:38:25

do you think they are having an affair.
certainly not faithful behaviour anyway.
so why do you stay with this man.

Eviebeanz Mon 26-Jul-21 20:39:26

Do you know whether your husband and friend are in contact with each other apart from when the four of you meet up. By the way if I was in your shoes I don't think I'd feel like this person was a friend to me and I'd stamp on my husband sharpish.

Nacky Mon 26-Jul-21 20:44:48

That sounds horrid and embarrassing, you must have felt very awkward. I wonder how things were left? It does sound as though there is a backstory here and a difficult situation for you and the man of the other couple, not at all nice for both of you to feel you are being talked about. Three weeks since the event you describe - how are things now?

Hithere Mon 26-Jul-21 20:47:44

With this high level description, I was thinking of an affair too

What were they saying about the husband?
Any additional background may change the feedback really fast

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:10:48

Hithere - can’t divulge what they were saying as it would be outing but it was about his capabilities as a husband.

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:11:37

I still find it strange that they would do that in front of me.

M0nica Mon 26-Jul-21 21:11:58

Bashful, Is your name significant? Does it mean that your DH has a habit of behaving like this and you do not feel you can challenge him?

What has he done before and is your reticence as to the background details because he is a serial adulterer?

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:12:08

I did feel extremely awkward.

Hithere Mon 26-Jul-21 21:15:13

That is crossing the line.

Could they be testing the boundaries with you, how much they can push your comfort zone?

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:20:39

M0nica - Ha ha, no I’m not bashful by nature, quite the opposite but have a strong sense of right and wrong behaviour and this is just wrong. I can see my DH losing out big time here in terms of keeping my respect and the respect of his friend. If I try to talk to him about it he will just turn it round on me and I’ll be labelled unreasonable.

M0nica Mon 26-Jul-21 21:21:54

Possibly a dignified exit is called for.

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:22:29

Possibly Hithere. The FF likes to play games, always has. I tend to ignore it and not rise to it. She comes across as a very sad sort of a woman to me.

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:23:26

You could be right M0nica. I just don’t know.

Nacky Mon 26-Jul-21 21:46:50

How often do you see these friends and how would your husband react if you suggested not spending less time with them? It sounds as though he and the FF have communication at other times?

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:51:21

Nacky - I’ve tried that, suggesting spending less time with them but I genuinely feel sorry for the FF’s DH. He has been a very good friend to my DH. My DH dismisses anything I say when I want to discuss his or FF’s behaviour.

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 21:57:37

If they do communicate at other times then I find no evidence of it. However, any time I go out shopping or suchlike he will ask...
What shop are going to, whereabouts?
Will you be home for lunch?
He also gets up very early in the morning like 4:00 4:30 or 5:00
I always go to bed first.
He’ll come later.
His phone always on quiet.
If I’m out he often stops what he was working on and is on the computer or goes out for a run.
If he was up to something, it would be very hard for me to find out.

TrendyNannie6 Mon 26-Jul-21 22:01:16

Not a very nice way of behaving! Bit two faced, your husband talking about his lifelong friend, as he leaves the room, why would your husband make a dig at you in front of these people, and both your Dh and friend giving each other knowing looks, I would certainly be bringing things out in the open regardless of my DH flipping bashful, as I’d want to know what was going on, something not quite right going on here me thinks

TrendyNannie6 Mon 26-Jul-21 22:03:57

So this woman asks which shop are you going to, and whereabouts! Seems to me she’s trying to find out how long you will be, what’s it got to do with her! He’s obviously up to something they both are bashful,

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 22:07:14

I’m going to have to think cleverly about how to handle this. I know that if I do broach the subject he will turn it around on me and talk about how ridiculous or paranoid or whatever he wants me to appear to be to this couple or just to her and I don’t want that as she’ll delight in that. I’ve been racking my brains these past weeks trying to come up with something. Aaaagh!

Bashful Mon 26-Jul-21 22:09:11

It’s not her who asks these questions. It’s my DH!

cornishpatsy Mon 26-Jul-21 22:43:20

It is almost irrelevant as to what he is up to, you do not trust him.

You cannot be happy living without trust, always wondering what he is doing, trying to think of ways to catch him.

Also not being able to talk to him is not the sign of a loving relationship. You do not have to live like this.

If it were me I would tell him it is over then work out the practicalities.