Problem with son

Your son is out of order, as you say.
Your son cannot have you at his beck and call like this!

I would let him do his own decorating, tell him you are painting your own kitchen, or whatever!

I would state my willingness to continue to help but it would be strictly on my timetable and I would not deviate from that.

You are very good parents doing the decorating and helping your son out , but he is entitled so his privacy
Your OH was asked not to come so early , maybe just leave it and don’t simmer , you say he has problems , give him a wee bit of space for a while

You did ask, but you may not like the reply.

You are over-parenting. He’s an adult. Why are you giving him money and doing all this stuff for him? You are clearly intruding on his personal life. You husband walked into the house while he had, presumably, a girlfriend or boyfriend staying. It’s not going to help his depression if he can’t have personal relationships without Dad walking in on him. It would be mortifying for a teenager; it must be absolutely cringe-making for a middle-aged man.

Back off. Let him grow up and deal with his own problems. For goodness’ sake, he’s old enough to be a grandfather himself!

He is 45. I think it is great you help him out but maybe wait to be ask or just tell him when you are available and if he doesn't contact you, leave it at that. I think you all need to re establish boundaries tbh.

I think it’s time to have a break from helping. You’ve done an awful lot. Y the sound of it. I think your son probably appreciates the help but is clearly irritated with his space being invaded. I’d say don’t let it cause a major fall out but maybe OH should concentrate on his own home projects for the time being.

Thanks ladies - aggie, OH was going to leave it but then got a message to say come over at 11am. He went over at 11.15am and son came out of the bedroom and downstairs and said “come back later”

OH said it was embarrassing, we made arrangements last night for me to continue the decorating first thing.

I think OH wants a bit a space now - he is usually easy going but said he is disrespectful and this isn’t the first time he’s acted badly. We’re not talking about a teenager - he’s 45!

Then the problem is on the way to being solved.
It sounds as if you all need a bit of space.

geekesse, please read the post properly! He asked my OH to paint his doors. OH didn’t say I’m going to paint them! OH said when he was available and son asked him to do them yesterday and today.
We never go over without ringing first, why would we? He’s an adult.

Florencerosie

geekesse, please read the post properly! He asked my OH to paint his doors. OH didn’t say I’m going to paint them! OH said when he was available and son asked him to do them yesterday and today.
We never go over without ringing first, why would we? He’s an adult.

I did.

You and/or your husband give him money, do gardening and diy for him. I think that is over-parenting when the chap is 45.

When he asked your husband not to come before 1pm, your husband pushed him to name an earlier time. Then he let himself in and embarrassed your son with someone in the house. I think that’s intrusive.

You said ‘Any thoughts, ladies?’ Those are my thoughts.

Leave him to it.His choice.

Florencerosie

geekesse, please read the post properly! He asked my OH to paint his doors. OH didn’t say I’m going to paint them! OH said when he was available and son asked him to do them yesterday and today.
We never go over without ringing first, why would we? He’s an adult.

You didn't say that he asked your OH to paint his doors. Nor did you say the rest.
My view is - it is up to you if you help and good of you to do so but you were clearly told he had a guest and not to come till 1pm and should have left it at that. Clearly the guest took longer than anticipated. Your OH should have knocked or rung door bell.
I am aware of what determined OHs are like though - just want to get job done and don't care about boundaries. In my view your OH was wrong and should brush it off.

Another message came, ok come over at 11am
Which your helpful husband did, your son is using your husband with no respect. Wait until he contacts you both and apologizes and don’t help out with any costs in the future.

Geekesse, Again read the post properly! Oh was going to leave it for today as 1pm was too late. Son texted asking him to come over at 11am.

Why is helping with gardening etc over parenting!! How many parents help their adult children onto the property ladder? Many do, we didn’t but we’re happy to contribute for things now and again.

You’re making up your own story.....

Thank you MissAdventure, Allsorts for your thoughts.

Mokryna

Thank you for your thoughts and for reading my post properly.

Perhaps, Florencerosie, you meant to say ‘please only reply if you agree son is out of order’?

?
(Had the same problem when people didn’t read properly but I left it)

You are out of order.
He is 45!

Living in a house that is not decorated - what is the big deal?
He is also capable of managing his own garden.

Plenty of people live with depression and have productive lives.

You are way over involved in your son's life.
You've him space and back off.

As for OH using the key he had - he must not do it again unless it is a real emergency.

Your OH and you dont have a call on your son's schedule- he said morning is not ok, ask when it is convenient for him.

It is his house, not yours.

I cannot read properly either, right (sarcasm on)

It's obviously not working for any of you so stop 'helping'. Leave your son to manage his own DIY etc. If he asks tell him it's not convenient.

Your son wants his own space, let him do things his way, if that does not suit your way, tough. Over parenting by a long way, but don’t take umbrage at his stand for independence, visit him regularly but phone first.

? I agree Hithere you can’t, obviously you read words but don’t understand the story. So much anger in your writing, chill out.

Op, I think you are the one displaying anger if posters don't say what you want them to.

FWIW I don't think that you and your husband are "over parenting" Florencerosie.

You say your son suffers from depression so it's understandable and commendable that you do all you can to help him.

Your son needs to appreciate that when his dad is giving his time to do things in his home, that it needs to be at a time and day that's convenient to him as well as your son.

TBH Hithere I'm at a loss to understand why you've responded to the OP in such an angry manner.

"He is also capable of managing his own garden" is he? Then why is he accepting his parents financial support and help with decorating in addition to gardening?

IMO you and your husband need to ensure that your son understands that his boundaries are being respected ie it's his home, and that he needs to understand that your lives do not revolve only around him and that any offers of help are being fitted in and around your own lives.

I agree with mokryna, wait until your son contacts you and when he does, have an honest conversation with him. At 45 years of age he should know better and understand that the help he's being given is not a right, but something he should be appreciative of, or do without.

I hope you can get things on a better footing.