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Shocked by son-in-law's behaviour

(15 Posts)
Thistlelass Mon 27-Jun-22 10:17:54

So this weekend my daughter has broken down and told me what she is dealing with within her marriage. She has been with her husband for around 18 years and married for 10. Two children aged 6 and 8. Both parents have responsible jobs. Her husband's is very much in the public services industries.
Anyway her husband is gambling and she tells me he has spent around £10,000 in past year. He denies having a problem. He is also frequenting adult sites and is messaging other women. Apparently the messaging was also taking place before they married.
I fear her marriage is well and truly coming to an end. If it is she needs to act tactically to protect her interests, especially around the children.
Any thoughts on ways of approaching this problem.

PamelaJ1 Mon 27-Jun-22 10:31:24

Sorry I haven’t any expertise in this field but when my DD’s marriage broke down I was careful to totally support her without criticising him.
Thank goodness I didn’t share my thoughts because they are back together again and seem happy.

Grandmabatty Mon 27-Jun-22 10:32:25

What does she want to do? If she wants to leave him, then support her wholeheartedly. Can you offer her sanctuary in your home? Urge her to contact a lawyer immediately as she may be liable for debts along with him. Be very careful though not to bad mouth him in case she stays with him. He may promise to stop or change but words are easy. Actions are what is needed.

Thistlelass Mon 27-Jun-22 11:11:26

My daughter is a solicitor. He is a Police sergeant. I don't think she is clear yet what she really wants. I live almost 100 miles away so providing workable sanctuary is difficult.
I have said that she and the children can come down and stay any weekend to give respite etc
The problem is her husband seems unable to talk about his feelings or hers in this difficult set of circumstances. Think she would go to marriage guidance but not sure he would participate.. She is a child of divorce so I think it is hurting her very much to consider her own children going through the same. And for all we know the £10000 she has identified may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 27-Jun-22 11:46:35

As your DD is a Solicitor, I think the only thing you can do is offer her moral support and a shoulder to lean on, she knows what to do legally.

M0nica Mon 27-Jun-22 12:19:43

Is she a solicitor dealing with family and marriage matters? If not she needs to talk to an appropriately qualified solicitor.

You do not say whether she works in a solicitor's office. If so she should seek advice for an appropiate qualified solicitor in another practice.

Soozikinzi Mon 27-Jun-22 13:14:16

I know Gamblers Anonymous are excellent but obviously the person concerned has to want to give up . I just hope she can sort everything for the best for herself and the children.

Urmstongran Mon 27-Jun-22 13:18:47

Sorry for everyone in this bombshell scenario. It will have come as such a shock to you all. I hope in time the situation is not as bleak as it now appears. All the best to you.

Hithere Mon 27-Jun-22 13:25:47

I agree with your home as her sanctuary

Legally, she should talk to a lawyer

welbeck Mon 27-Jun-22 14:29:11

i knew someone who lost her home and health due to husband's hidden gambling.
they had been very comfortable, middle class lifestyle. she was reduced to utter penury, homeless, had a stroke, had to learn to speak and walk again. aged 60.
they divorced, but the damage was done.
she went back to the area where she grew up, had to live in homeless hostels, until her disability led her to get a tiny sheltered flat.

welbeck Mon 27-Jun-22 14:33:26

as a police officer, maybe his senior officer/ HR dept should be told.
this used to be a rule in the police, as it can lay them open to bribery and corruption by crooks.

sodapop Mon 27-Jun-22 15:38:41

That is such a sad story welbeck my heart goes out to that poor lady.

I agree with others who said your daughter should safeguard her own finances Thistlelass there are children to consider in all this.

Thistlelass Mon 27-Jun-22 17:15:29

My daughter is well able to find support for any legal matters. She has colleague Solicitors in all 'departments' of the legal system. I don't think she is quite at the stage of having decided this is over though she really needs to make a decision fast.

Beautful Mon 27-Jun-22 17:41:20

She needs to have a word with one of her colleagues who deal with this type of behaviour , I am sure a police officer can get into serious trouble for doing this also with the sites he is visiting , your daughter has taken the first step in talking & telling you, which must have been so hard, bless her, she needs your support, this can eventually have more consequences like loosing her home, even more aswell ... Google about gambling & police officers ... no doubt affecting her health aswell, no doubt possibly yours aswell ... when you daughter hurts you do aswell

ElaineI Mon 27-Jun-22 18:29:39

For the time being just be there for her to sound off and try not to tell her what to do. Can she stop his cards at all? Presume you live in Scotland so perhaps you could have the children for a few days when the school holidays begin?