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Sad DIL here - please help me understand them

(32 Posts)
Elisheva Mon 27-Jun-22 23:33:39

I’ve been married to an amazing fella for 15 years and we are very happy indeed. 2 lovely kids, financial stability etc

my inlaws really hate me and I am getting increasingly distressed by it. It makes me feel so worthless than an entire family dislikes me because I’m not daft enough to overlook that it might be my fault. I actually feel quite bullied.

For a long time, I picked up on snide remarks and just general bitchy comments but ignored and continued to make them welcome. I’m a warm and sociable person by nature and love having family around for dinner we. And for years I would, like most DIL, be the one to instigate family get togethers etc. I slowly realised that in the company of their friends and other family members, that they would ignore me and exchange glances. I felt completely ignored at her 70th for example then at my sons holy communion the following year. I mean, none of them spoke to me at all. I’d spent days preparing a cracking banquet.

My FIL has documented mental health issues/ he is chronically angry, depressed, Bitter and aggressive. My MIL has a really awful time with him I think but that would never be acknowledged…. I think they prob sky spend too much time together alone and speculating about everybody around them. She’s spineless and bitchy but before the scales fell from my eyes, I always thought we got on quite well. I have a very good relationship with my mum and know how to get on with people in that age group. Plus she has no daughters. Both of her other sons have had significant problems- one is in an absolutely abusive relationship and the other is divorced v acrimoniously. We are happy: why don’t that enough! I’m a good wife and mum, I know I am.

We can’t speak to them - even my husband who is the golden boy lawyer son - you would have thought therefore good at dealing with awkward people can’t speak to them because it ends in FIL going on about his mental health.

I stopped having anything to do with them three years ago when FIL started roaring and shouting at my autistic son and then a few weeks later accused me of all sorts of paranoid nonsense: it absolutely kills me: I am from a highly dysfunctional family and harmony is important to me - I need to be liked in a family context and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. I know that sound v needy - I’m not openly needy at all, I’m confident and assertive but really feel so defeated by this. Please help.

Elisheva Mon 27-Jun-22 23:36:06

Sorry - it’s just so long.

Just hoping for some advice from a MIL really.

Chewbacca Mon 27-Jun-22 23:46:31

Your husband needs to be the one to tackle them. If he gets no improvement, either reduce contact significantly or totally with your in laws.

Granny23 Tue 28-Jun-22 00:31:03

"I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong".

You have not gone wrong. You have just had the misfortune to land up with 'One of those' MILs. I did everything possible to placate my MIL without success. She was hyper critical of everything I did or said and just could not get over her perception that I had "stolen" her wonderful only son.

crazyH Tue 28-Jun-22 00:43:23

So you’ve had nothing to do with for 3 years? And you want to get back with them ? Good for you. I’m a mother-in-law to 2 lovely girls. But it wasn’t always like that. I think they were wary of me. And I was wary of them and wondering why they chose my very well heeled sons. Most m.I.ls are always doubtful in the beginning. But they are now the best things that have happened to my family. The younger d.I.l. Is just a little darling. I shouldn’t say this, but she treats me almost better than my own daughter does, but then it is well documented that most mother/daughter relationships are difficult.
Give it time Elishive - you will be surprised at how well things work out as it did with me. Good luck !

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 04:47:30

Granny23

"I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong".

You have not gone wrong. You have just had the misfortune to land up with 'One of those' MILs. I did everything possible to placate my MIL without success. She was hyper critical of everything I did or said and just could not get over her perception that I had "stolen" her wonderful only son.

Did your husband step in? Mine is going over to see them on his own, he is extreme upset.

We went out for lunch on Saturday, a big birthday for ny husband and therefore I literally went only to keep him happy. First time seeing them wince before lockdown. He ignored me completely and wouldn’t even look or engage with my children which very much noticed. He didn’t even say hello or goodbye to them. I’ve told my husband that he won’t be seeing them until it’s been dealt with. I need to teach my children the values of assertiveness and self respect/ I don’t think you should kowtow to your elders when they’re testing your mother like crap really

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 04:48:28

Granny23

"I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong".

You have not gone wrong. You have just had the misfortune to land up with 'One of those' MILs. I did everything possible to placate my MIL without success. She was hyper critical of everything I did or said and just could not get over her perception that I had "stolen" her wonderful only son.

What did you do about it? Did your husband ever tackle them?

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 04:50:36

crazyH

So you’ve had nothing to do with for 3 years? And you want to get back with them ? Good for you. I’m a mother-in-law to 2 lovely girls. But it wasn’t always like that. I think they were wary of me. And I was wary of them and wondering why they chose my very well heeled sons. Most m.I.ls are always doubtful in the beginning. But they are now the best things that have happened to my family. The younger d.I.l. Is just a little darling. I shouldn’t say this, but she treats me almost better than my own daughter does, but then it is well documented that most mother/daughter relationships are difficult.
Give it time Elishive - you will be surprised at how well things work out as it did with me. Good luck !

We have been married for years. This isn’t a new relationship at all and the annoying thing is that he is only in the habit of seeing them regularly because I insisted on the first place.

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 05:20:49

crazyH

So you’ve had nothing to do with for 3 years? And you want to get back with them ? Good for you. I’m a mother-in-law to 2 lovely girls. But it wasn’t always like that. I think they were wary of me. And I was wary of them and wondering why they chose my very well heeled sons. Most m.I.ls are always doubtful in the beginning. But they are now the best things that have happened to my family. The younger d.I.l. Is just a little darling. I shouldn’t say this, but she treats me almost better than my own daughter does, but then it is well documented that most mother/daughter relationships are difficult.
Give it time Elishive - you will be surprised at how well things work out as it did with me. Good luck !

Nope, I’ve been married 15 years.
I have given more than enough time.

Hetty58 Tue 28-Jun-22 06:17:29

Why stress about it? You can't change them - or make them like you more - so just limit contact and/or keep it brief and ignore them as much as they do you. You really don't need any more contact or attention from them (why would you?) so just enjoy your life as it is.

Mandrake Tue 28-Jun-22 06:36:50

Unfortunately, for some mother in laws, no-one will ever be good enough for their baby boy. It sounds like you got one of those. It also sounds like the all too familiar story of the DIL who did all the social effort and then contact stopped when they just couldn't anymore. It's not all on you. Let your husband sort it out and keep standing up for your right to be treated with respect.

Beautful Tue 28-Jun-22 07:28:58

Why should it cause you distress you don't need it , why should you take it off them ... have nothing to do with them , although I agree you should encourage your husband to visit them ... similar type of thing happened when my daughter & son in law were getting married ... his dad gave him an ultimatum less than 2 weeks before they got married ... my daughter or his family ! I asked my son in law either 2 or 3 times does he still want to marry my daughter ... his reply ... yes she wouldn't give me an ultimatum ... wasnt sure if inlaws were coming to the wedding or whether FiL would object, told the vicar just in case ... I said to my daughter nothing in the world would spoil your wedding ... nothing did even though I ignored them both ! Could have been was because SiL always jumped to his dad if he wanted anything, but not now ... yes does things for him but now more assertive ... get on ok with in laws now ... so perhaps you can't change them ... seems like you are a good daughter in law ... try to ignor them although easier said than done ... hold your head up high ... they will want you before you want them ! Also may be a good idea to ask your husband to visit on his own & ask why the sudden change in their attitude to you ... like I say hold your head up high & try to ignor them

BlueBelle Tue 28-Jun-22 07:46:05

You say you need to be liked in a family context and don’t know where you went wrong !!!
Well not everyone will like you and why worry just carry on being a good mum a good wife and stop stressing so much about the outlaws stop trying so hard maybe that’s annoying them Just be within your own set up stop doing big family get together which are rarely happy for everyone be happy with your own unit
Why do you feel this great need to draw everyone in it’s not working You ve got a good husband and lovely kids why make it all bigger be content with your own family and if you have to meet up be pleasant , be polite but do not expect anything warm and wonderful

Bless what you have stop trying to change and expand it

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 09:04:26

It’s a pointless and sad state of affairs.

We are very close to an Aunty and uncle and they come to all the school sports days etc because I just don’t invite the grandparents anymore. They can’t be civil to me so I just don’t choose to be in their company.

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 09:08:23

Can you not see why it’s sad? My husband an I would like to do things like have them over for lunch etc like we used to until I was just too fed up with the way they treat me

I’m not talking banquets and parties here just having my husbands favourite people in the same room

I am quite easygoing really, as are my husband and children

nanna8 Tue 28-Jun-22 09:12:18

I think just ignore them,too. They are very unusual because nearly all the grandparents I know just love having their grandchildren around and if they don’t like their SIL or DIL they just go along with it and are polite. Did something happen to trigger it or has it been like this since you first met your husband ?

FindingNemo15 Tue 28-Jun-22 09:24:51

I had a very similar situation with my MIL. I could not do anything right and she hated me. I can honestly say I tried everything to get along with her, but it was always wrong.

One day my SIL said to me you will never win with my Mum and another day MIL made my DH choose between me and her.

He chose me and our DD and we cut ourselves off from her.

She was a bitter twisted woman, who moaned about everyone and everything.

In the long run she cut her nose off to spite her face as she lost out on seeing our DD, but she had always favoured her DD and her children anyway.

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 09:28:20

My children stayed the night for the first ever and FIL started roaring at them for some minor indiscretion. They came gone in pieces. I phoned them and very politely asked MIL what happened and said that a grown man roaring at a 6&8 year old would have been very intimidating. I was polite and collegial. But made it clear that I didn’t think it acceptable.

After that they phoned my husband and said that I had deleted them off Facebook and that is broken into his account and deleted them too 🙄

(Why would I do that?)

My husband went mad at them

They never spoke to me again. 🤷‍♀️

Last year they had a go at my son for ni reason again and my husband defended him vigorously and left.

His dad is most definitely a massive bully. Strident ex lawyer.

I’m sad about the lack of family but we get on fabulously with my side so

What do I want? Maybe a return to false conviviality perhaps. Maybe none of it matters. I don’t want my children having poor relations with them but as I wrote this, I realise that there isn’t a decent one there anyway: they have one angry stroppy grandfather who they’re fearful of, and a completely
Milquetoast sappy grandmother. I suppose I just feel a bit sorry for her and me.

Sago Tue 28-Jun-22 09:30:46

If your husband is golden boy then sadly you will never make the grade.
My mother was a narcissistic, my brother was the golden boy and I was the scapegoat.
My brothers wife was given an awful time by my mother because she was deemed to be common, thick, greedy, a bad cook, a poor dresser etc etc.
I’m afraid the best way of dealing with this is no contact.

Smileless2012 Tue 28-Jun-22 09:32:51

You say you've had nothing to do with them for 3 years and in your position, I would continue with that. If your H wants to see his parents and for them to see their GC, they can do so without you being there.

You say your f.i.l. has mental health problems so your m.i.l. has "a really awful time with him" and yet you describe her as "spineless and bitchy" so it doesn't sound as if you like her anymore than she likes you.

Concentrate on your own family. You don't have to see your in laws so just leave them to it.

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 09:33:54

This has been an immensely useful exercise actually. I appreciate everybody who has replied. There is no answer I suppose, I just feel bad for all four of us. Maybe they just don’t want to see us. But I don’t think that my very obvious ostracism should go unchallenged. My husband will be basing words with them this weekend but secretly I have no plans to see them again and I do know that nothing will be resolved

Elisheva Tue 28-Jun-22 09:35:29

Smileless2012

You say you've had nothing to do with them for 3 years and in your position, I would continue with that. If your H wants to see his parents and for them to see their GC, they can do so without you being there.

You say your f.i.l. has mental health problems so your m.i.l. has "a really awful time with him" and yet you describe her as "spineless and bitchy" so it doesn't sound as if you like her anymore than she likes you.

Concentrate on your own family. You don't have to see your in laws so just leave them to it.

I don’t like her because she’s nasty to
Me and she bitches endlessly about my SIL including telling me about her sexual a side situation which I found completely appalling.

Bit I’ve always been friendly and kind to her because I feel sorry for her

And I’m mad about my husband who was clearly raised very well. I respect her for that .

sodapop Tue 28-Jun-22 10:41:04

Hetty58

Why stress about it? You can't change them - or make them like you more - so just limit contact and/or keep it brief and ignore them as much as they do you. You really don't need any more contact or attention from them (why would you?) so just enjoy your life as it is.

I agree with Hetty58 you have done all you can Elisheva so enjoy your life with your family and leave the stress behind. I understand you want everyone to be a happy family unit but unfortunately it's not going to happen. There is only so much one person can do and I think you have reached the limit.

Mandrake Tue 28-Jun-22 10:43:44

So the problem is for the best possible reason as a mother - you stood up for your children. Of course it's sad but what else could a good mother have done?

Smileless2012 Tue 28-Jun-22 10:49:58

So as you don't like her, carry on having nothing to do with her. TBH I fail to see why you'd even consider spending anytime with this woman if she's as bad as you claim.

"she's nasty to me and bitches endlessly about my SIL telling me about her sexual a side situation which I found completely appalling"!!.