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Adult son (21) relationship

(17 Posts)
Avaneedslove Tue 28-Jun-22 06:32:05

Just a bit of background..I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, arthritis and severe depression (due to the pain) about 2 years ago. Before then I ran my own business, did all the house work etc etc. Both my partner and I grew up without a mother...I never had one and my hubby's ran off when he was 10 after his dad died
My point there is I don't have a reference on being a mum and even though my hubby went through that he's a fantastic dad (I know cuz mine was fantastic). Hence I believe dad's are the most important parent.
Anyway, I don't know how good I was...they were definitely wanted and loved from day one x
But since his return from university my oldest son who is the most gregarious, laid back, loving guy ever, he seems to really dislike and resent me. I know my illness makes me paranoid at times but out of all 3 of my kids I would never have imagined it would be him acting this way.
He's already confirmed he doesn't believe in fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue or any illness under that umbrella. Even though he's seen me unable to anything. Also after a few drinks one night he blasted me for lying around all day while dad did everything. Completely forgetting I ran a business and still cooked n cleaned and sorted out forms for school etc... I honestly don't know what I've done wrong here? My hubby thinks I'm imaging it or over thinking it but it's honestly breaking my heart...he is closer to dad but he still loved me and came to me with problems...but now he barely looks me in the eye... my therapist said to ask them if they think I've been a good mum....he ummrd and ahhed for a while before saying I suppose so....I'm devastated any ideas on getting him to open up greatly appreciated

Hetty58 Tue 28-Jun-22 06:43:50

My eldest had a similar attitude when I had a back injury - seemed to think I was exaggerating the pain - and 'being lazy' too!

I don't believe it had much to do with my disability. At the time, he was unhappy, in a job he hated, and without a girlfriend. He felt bad, so took it out on me as he felt even more insecure and threatened by my being out of action.

Although I was angry with him, I just apologised for being a 'crap mother' - to take the wind out of his sails. I acted hurt and he was thoroughly criticised by his siblings.

Decades on, he was bedridden by severe back spasm - and, at last, I got a sincere apology!

Avaneedslove Tue 28-Jun-22 06:58:40

Oh I wish I could blame those things...he's got a lovely girl, going to Sandhurst. has saved lots of money etc thing is my 3 are like glue upset one upset all x but thank you

Avaneedslove Tue 28-Jun-22 07:01:01

Glad you got your apology ๐Ÿ™‚ karma is a b....

DiamondLily Tue 28-Jun-22 07:19:49


Oh I wish I could blame those things...he's got a lovely girl, going to Sandhurst. has saved lots of money etc thing is my 3 are like glue upset one upset all x but thank you

If your son is close to your husband, could he not ask your son what the problem is? If he resents your disability, perhaps your husband could explain to him that no one asks for pain and it's exhausting to deal with.

Other than that, I would sit down with your son, ask him to be honest about what exactly his problem is with you. If he genuinely thinks you've been a "less than perfect" parent, he should have the courage to tell you and discuss it.

Young, fit, adults don't really understand disability/pain, and they think their parents should be firing on all cylinders, at all times.๐Ÿ™„

One day, they will learn how debilitating pain can be.

Meanwhile, concentrate of getting well from your depression, and I believe there are various techniques and drugs to help with the pain of Fibro/arthritis.๐Ÿ’

Hetty58 Tue 28-Jun-22 07:23:09

When he becomes a parent, he'll soon understand that perfection is impossible!

Avaneedslove Tue 28-Jun-22 08:02:37

His dad has explained fully....but he's oblivious to the way he acts around me. My youngest son is normally the one who is constantly peed off at me but since his brother came home it's like they've changed personality!!
Honestly I thought things improve as they become adults..but since my younger son turned 18, now it hassle hassle hassle..I just want the same love and respect he gives his dad you know x

Avaneedslove Tue 28-Jun-22 08:04:45

Also he's seen me fall down the stairs with a glass in my hand.
.it shattered everywhere and he wast picking glass out of my face! Does he think that was on purpose ๐Ÿค”

Avaneedslove Tue 28-Jun-22 08:05:32

Definitely x

Aveline Tue 28-Jun-22 09:09:32

I think you may be overthinking it as you have the time in your hands to ruminate due to your current condition. He's a young man full of energy and with his busy life crowding in.
Children want us to be the same all the time and we do change over time. Try not to be be demanding or wanting to talk to him about your relationship. Give him distance and space and look to your own future.

Avaneedslove Wed 29-Jun-22 14:40:20

Yes I agree with you. Things have changed in the last day or so and he has talked about things bothering him. The main point is now he's back home properly he wants to be treated as a kid again..or rather things to be exactly the same as it was 3 years ago. He obviously knows it's not possible 100%. He's struggling with becoming a proper adult. And I am and have always have been a great mum xxx

Avaneedslove Wed 29-Jun-22 14:41:21

Thanks for all of your advice. You've all made me feel better and got us talking again xx

BlueBelle Wed 29-Jun-22 17:13:30

Perhaps you ve been too good a mum and done too much and that reliable person is now not so well to do it all !!!
Just a thought

Sara1954 Wed 29-Jun-22 17:20:53

I donโ€™t think children are good at seeing parents sick, they want everything to be the same, for mum to be strong and capable, I donโ€™t think they like being reminded of their parents mortality.
I used to suffer debilitating migraines, and my youngest always behaved as if I did it just to disrupt her life, I shouldnโ€™t read too much into it.

Avaneedslove Wed 29-Jun-22 18:05:37

Yes that's what my dad said about the ๐Ÿ˜„ xx

Avaneedslove Wed 29-Jun-22 18:06:43

That's a good point ๐Ÿ‘‰.... thank you ๐Ÿ˜Š

Shelflife Fri 01-Jul-22 23:09:09

Don't be hung up about not having a mum yourself ! You know in your heart you are a good mother. Your eldest son is still very young and barely adult. I think perhaps he is finding it difficult to see you incapacitated, our adult children don't want to see us ill, we have always been there to sort out their problems and see they are ok. Your son still wants to see you in that way.Sounds as though things are improving , good luck and don't dwell too much on this , your son will adjust to your situation. It is hard for him to see you struggling and is not sure how to deal with it.